1st time parents

[olivio123]

My daughter who has done everything the right way (got married then got pregant) has finally gone into labour,, although it is a slow one she is still in pain. Shes been up to the hospital 2x, 1st time at 8:30am then again at 7pm only to be turned away again, because shes still only 2cm diulated (fair enough). (She has a room booked for 4am). When they arrived at 7pm she was told she could of stayed, but her husband couldnt?? Im flabbergasted dont they like couples anymore its not exactly welcoming them is it. So rather then my daughter stay there all night on her own she has opted to go back home for another 8hrs in pain, im in bits at the moment im so angry.. This is Chester Hospital so much for marriages and couples aye!

Which would you choose stay in hospital alone or go back to your husband in pain.Not a fair choice really is it?

Don't want to cope? Hope you'll excuse a woman in early labour (for the last 3 days) if I say fuck off to that. I've been pacing around for the first 24 hours with no sleep as I couldn't lie down. 6 hours would have been a piece of For me. But not necessarily for someone else unfortunate enough to have more pain.

Crappy iPhone. Was trying to say 6 hours would have been a piece of piss. But everyones labour is different and I have been in a lot of pain. I've now taken codeine which turns out to be marvellous - maybe suggest your daughter asks for that op?

The whole married/benefits thing in your message is rather unpleasant but I do understand this is probably out of stress at seeing your daughter in pain.

I find it very weird that those who 'did it the right way' should get special treatment - what happens to those who ' do it the wrong way' - are they treated differently?
When she is ready her DH will be allowed in- in the meantime- the very early stages of labour - she would be much more comfortable being in pain at home with her DH where she can have a nice bath or whatever makes it easier. She has been given the option of going in alone, if she doesn't want to be at home- it seems entirely fair to me. If she wants different treatment she can go private.
Anyway - hopefully it is much further on now and it is going/has gone well and look back and realise it was all a fuss about nothing and opt for a home birth if she has a second.

I am finding you quite rude too exoticfruits. It might have been a fuss about nothing to you but you went straight into active labour. You were just lucky so how would you know. For some it is a lot of pain that can't be resolved by a patronising 'nice hot bath' and for many people a homebirth does not equate to miraculous pain relief.

I agree the focus on marriage is weird but she's probably very upset
at seeing her daughter suffering and that does odd things to people.

You also also can't compare to kidney transplants where the delay is due to lack of organs not funding.

That's the thing exotic. She is ready now.

I don't understand why someone's personal choices as to when to get married and have a baby is relevant to the clinical decision of the medical staff.

And if someone (like me) didn't do things "the right way" and turned up at the hospital, what then? Would I be denied care because I didn't confirm to the moral standards of the OP?

I think the OP was just looking to start a debate.

It's not really that long ago that men weren't welcome in the delivery room either, so to say "I'm flabbergasted the don't like couples any more" is a bit naive.

If she's your daughter, what age are you, OP? Because at the very least, your own mother is likely to have delivered you without her partner present if she had you in a hospital.

Tyres not necessarily, the last person to have a child without partner in my family was my great Gran in 1952.

But it's still within living memory.

And has nothing to do with "doing things the right way". I'm struggling to comprehend why that is even relevant.

I was saying it in my head not out aloud and yes that's how I coped for the first 6 hours before being taken to the delivery suite for the next 24 with DH. perhaps you think I shouldn't be allowed to walk around a ward and should just lie in the bed, after all a stranger walking around might disturb other people.......... No need for DH to be there and that's the point I'm making. My SIL laboured for 72 hours, she asked her DH to leave her alone whilst she got on with it (different hospital policy). She also asked and offered to pay to be put somewhere more private than the open ward with men she didn't know on it but was refused as then "everyone would ask"

No I'm not a Dr or a nurse and nor do I pretend to be an expert on something I'm not. This is my opinion and I'm entitled to it. I'm just a ordinary women who understands the realities of the mess this country is in financially. I also understand that in this day and age some people don't want to accept that being in labour hurts a lot and decide that they can't cope far too early on in the labouring process. One lady lay on the bed crying and shouting "it fucking hurts". Every attempt to get her up and moving by the nurses failed as she just wanted gas and air. They sent her home in the end. In your world her partner should be there with her probably shouting for the gas and air too. Thank god he wasn't.

For those of you willy waving about how horrendous and painful your labours were and how easy 6 hours was for me and how it can't have been painful because I could fight to do what was right for my baby. Congratulations, you win. You're right, it was a walk in the park, the 3 degree tear a mere scratch, the baby they had to pull out via ventouse as I was too tired after 30 hours in labour was actually very small I just couldn't be bothered to push, the blood transfusion wasn't actually required and yep it would've been fabulous to have lots of strange men around the ward You know something, as far as I'm concerned I did have an easy labour compared to a lot of women and I'm grateful for it. I have a beautiful DD and no lasting effects from her birth.

I'll say it again, someone in acute mental distress will be picked up by the nursing staff and treated accordingly. There is no need to have a blanket change of policy and allow the partners to be accompanied prior to the delivery suite.

If you suffered acute mental distress in labour then I'm truly sorry for you that it wasn't dealt with appropriately but what is right for a very few is absolutely not right for the vast majority. It's simply unaffordable.

I agree with fishybits-labour is painful-it is probably be the worst pain you ever experience and I can't see the point in blocking up the hospital in the early stages of labour with 2 people-you might as well be at home. The early stages of labour hurt. If someone is having a real problem with it then I'm sure they can be accommodated and it doesn't need a change of policy. What are the hospital actually supposed to do with the 2 of them when they are not ready for a delivery suite and they are rushed off their feet?

I think the point about a better look at ways hospitals can help make childbirth a less traumatic situation for many women is well made. Being in a more relaxed atmosphere, surrounded by people you trust and before whom you can lose your inhibitions can surely only help the sphincter muscle that is the cervix dilate enough to get more LOs out in a relatively straightforward manner.

But while there are large antenatal wards full of women in early labour, it seems only fair to allow them as much dignity as can be managed in that situtation and permitting partners to be there as well isn't going to help the other women on the ward who are trying to manage their labour pain.

It would be lovely if the NHS could have the resources to allow each and every labouring woman her own space in which to get on with it with whatever birth companion etc. she needed from the moment her contractions started. But that would need a lot of resources and currently the NHS doesn't have them. I wish it did.

You have said it so much better than me, InmaculadaConception.
I agree that it would be lovely if every couple had a private room where they could be together from early labour but I can't ever see the hospitals having the space, even if they had the money, which is unlikely. I simply can't see where they would go to be private. All the things they could do at home would be highly irritating on a ward.

My eldest sibling was born in 1976 and my dad wasn't allowed in the delivery room. My youngest sibling was born in 1981 and he still wasn't allowed in.

They were generally in 1980s

I wonder where the OP is

Shimmy we are in Scotland, I'm not sure where abouts you are perhaps it varies.

My granda was present at my mums birth in 1969 and my dad was at mine in 1986.

Totally agree with immaculateconception

I have 3 theories Exotic:

1. op's dd has had her DC

2. op is on NM getting fluffier replies as someone mentioned the same thread ha cropped up there

3. op is really a hairy trucker called Gavin who just wanted to be a bit of a Dick

I shall leave it to you :o

It is possible. It was the norm where I gave birth in Canada - on a national health service. DP was welcome to stay (no food, no bed, but a fold out chair) in an enormous birthing suite while I was induced (took 3 days). This suite had a private bathroom with jacuzzi bath.

When we finally had a baby in our hands, we were in a much smaller but still private room, which shared a bathroom with the room next door. This was the normal standard of care in any of the local, public hospitals, and didn't cost me a penny.

I'm resigned that I probably will have to be alone if we have another, because someone has to look after DS, but I do think that it's achievable, and desireable - I hear too many stories of people unable to get up to get their baby to feed/change it, or suffering in pain because no-one's there to advocate for them - a partner does all these things so that the midwives and nurses don't have to.

If anyone is interested, this poster seems to be provoking a similar reaction on Netmums: www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/pregnancy-64/netmums-52/796974-1st-time-parents.html
Perhaps you will realise that your statement about 'the right way (getting married then pregnant)' was deeply offensive, narrow-minded and bigoted, and seemed to suggest that those who choose not to follow this route deserve inferior treatment?
That said, I hope your daughter is ok.

Am I wrong to be really upset and seriously offended by op making a big point of her daughter 'doing things the right way'
It's people like this that make me feel ashamed. Thanks

My theory is that the DD who is in labour (and probably given birth by now) is perfectly OK about it but she is still OP's PFB and so far she has organised everything for her and sheltered her and suddenly she has lost control-she can't make it nice and pain free for her DD.
It would be interesting to hear from the DD -who will know nothing about this-especially the point that married couples get special treatment!

There is enough info out there about what to expect. if you or dd weren't happy about this there are plenty other options to choose from. You could have gone private. As for being married, what the hell as that got to do with it. I was allowed to stay at 2cm dilated as with all 3 of mine the labour was very quick (not gloating as I paid in after pain). However, with 3rd dc they were going to send me home until they read notes and realised it would be very soon. It is common practice and fair. If everyone was entitled to be accompanied it would be like a zoo.

She ought to have done classes beforehand and it would have all been explained. I think that problem is that no one explained to her mother.