Petrified of Birth

[Pegasus1234]

Hi,

Im new on here. Im 21 weeks+ and this is my first baby.

I met with my consultant today for the first time. I am consultant led because of fibroids and previous overactive bladder problems for which I was under the gynaecologist.

I explained that I was terrified of giving birth and wished to be considered for C section.

I am not too posh to push, just have an absolute deep rooted fear, it makes me physically sick, cant sleep due to anxiety etc. Having nightmares. I also have personal reasons I wont go into going back to my teens.

I felt totally indimidated there were 4 people in the room in total all staring at me, judging me.

The consultant basically didnt listen to me, and asked if a tour of the labour ward would help!!

Being a health professional myself I explained that I knew exactly what was involved. I have observed both births and c sections as part of my nurse training.

He said they dont perform sections for women without a medical reason.
I would have thought that fibroids, bladder weakness and absolute fear would be reasons.

Im not a particularly confident person, and make it difficult to have my voice heard sometimes. I just felt I was being dismissed as a silly woman who needed to go home .

I feel helpless, so upset and alone.

Can anyone offer any advice, or has been through a similar situation.

Thanks

Pegasus so sorry to hear you're so scared and I'm hoping so much you get the help you need and the consultant helps you. Me and my husband have also thought about going private but I had my worries with that too. Although we're not a million miles from London, it would still mean travelling and my big fear was and still is going into labour before I reach 39 weeks. I thought that if I could get the NHS to help it would be the best option. If it helps you and Hmm, I can only say good things about my midwife, new gp, consultant and as of yesterday my health visitor. They have been great.

Hmm I know what you mean, although I have to say, I was granted my ELCS when I was 15 weeks pregnant, and even since then I haven't felt loads better about things. I worry constantly about the baby coming early. My consultant has told me that if I go into labour from late 3rd trimester, they will still do the c/s for me. I have a letter from him in addition to what has been written on my notes. But I'm going to make another app with him to go over everything and really feel sure that they will do this. As awful as it would be, I can understand if they couldn't do it for medical reason, if baby was way too early or was too advanced in labour, but if an awful consultant did to me what happened to pixie, I would feel even more traumatised.

Will keep on with the updates and feel free to PM me if you like xx

Who in thier wildest dreams, after jumping through all these hoops, all this WORRY, all this fighting and worry and STRESS, then think, at the last hurdle, someone turns up and turns it all on its head.

I think Pixies consultant should be outed, I am furious about it, if it was me i would be going down legal route, newspapers etc.

If I am lucky enough to be granted ELC I shall be also making hundred times sure that no person would turn up and force me to do that. i cannot belive how brutally barbaric it was.

Infact I wonder if a solicitor can write a back up note to have on the day - this woman wants an ELC has been granted one, if for any other reason than soley the babys safe delivery someone changes this - legal action will be pursed...

I know its drastic, but so is what pixie went through.

Ariel. Thank you. You are a star. I'm fine for now anyway as DH is likely to be abroad with work for a while in next few months on big project and we agreed he had enough stress on in the next couple of months without this. So earliest we could start even down GP route would be towards end of year. In someways I'm needlessly stressing myself over it now, but hey ho. Still feel like I need to prepare for that somehow.

Eliza, my thoughts are a bit like that. I think other people probably would think it OTT, but yeah... I think it shows just how desperate and how afraid it makes you. Drastic starts to look like only option very quickly.

Eliza I feel the same too, what happened to pixie is disgraceful. The consultant that did that to her should be struck off in my opinion. How a human being could treat another in that way when they are clearly petrified and very vulnerable is sickening, it's using their power in such a nasty and vile way. Would be interesting to see if a solicitor would write a back up note. I have been thinking recently about going back to my consultant anyway but after reading pixie's experience I will definitely be going back to see him again, I want him to reassure me that unless there is a medical reason like the baby being very premature etc, no one will refuse the c/s. I am just praying baby stays put until 39 weeks..... I find myself talking to bump on a daily basis asking her to stay in until then! I feel drained and like I'm losing the plot sometimes..

Hmm were you thinking of just going to GP to start with before ttc to talk about phobia? I did this last year, in the area where I used to live. I found that he wasn't that helpful and seemed to have no knowledge of tokophobia at all. I don't want to worry you at all just want to share the route I went down and hope it can help. I do worry a little that until a woman is pregnant as well, they don't seem to know what to do really or just treat it like anxiety/depression rather than acknowledging the specific phobia. Well some of the time anyway..

So I moved late last year and got pregnant and I guess just hoped it would all be ok, i think at times i just didnt believe it would happen anyway! And my midwife at new GP surgery was great. But this may help you- she did tell me a little about a woman she had seen a few years back who also had tokophobia, but this lady wasn't pregnant. My midwife was asked by the GPs at the surgery to see this lady to see if she could help. She then referred her to see the consultant I have seen who agreed to her having a c/s should she become pregnant. So maybe you could try this? Maybe ask your GP to arrange for you to talk to a midwife too, I don't know if it would be possible but I think it's not a bad thing at all to have an opportunity to speak to a midwife and consultant obstetrician before even ttc. As with all GPs surgeries etc it varies so much as to what they will do (grrrr fucked up system) but it might be worth trying.

Hmm were you thinking of just going to GP to start with before ttc to talk about phobia? I did this last year, in the area where I used to live. I found that he wasn't that helpful and seemed to have no knowledge of tokophobia at all. I don't want to worry you at all just want to share the route I went down and hope it can help. I do worry a little that until a woman is pregnant as well, they don't seem to know what to do really or just treat it like anxiety/depression rather than acknowledging the specific phobia. Well some of the time anyway..

Yeah, wanted to go before ttc. Thats a worry of mine. Not being taken seriously on this issue and being led down general anxiety route instead. It'd be really unhelpful and not what I'm looking for. I'd just feel phobed off. I simply don't want to take the plunge without having assurances first. Mainly cos if I don't get the things I want to hear straight away, I would be worried about panicking and wanting a termination instead. Not to mention I'm really frightened of being that anxious in pregnancy and effect it would have on baby (two long stories here - the first being my blood pressure goes through the roof when stressed around doctors). Basically there isn't a way forward if I don't have something of a plan in place first. For DH's sake as much as mine.

Hmm so much of what you have just said sounds like me! I don't know why in the end we ttc before I'd seen a helpful GP. I think I kind of hoped that I'd feel better when pg (yeah right should have known better than that!). It sounds mental too but I used to convince myself that my body would protect me cos of the phobia and wouldn't be able to get pg but a least have tried, it sounds crazy I know but this thing does funny things to your mind! You are right to seek help before ttc, really hope you get someone helpful and understanding. Really really HATE the system, it was luck that I had a wonderful midwife, the treatment and sympathy given to me so far by HCP's should be the norm not an exception.

It has put so much pressure on my husband too so know where you are coming from with that. Have to say as well that I considered having an abortion at times when in a total state and feel ashamed of it now. Even after being granted the ELCS at times I've still felt frightened. I just have convinced myself that the baby will come early etc, I had imagined pixie's scenario before tbh so I almost don't believe the c/s will happen. I really feel in limbo still, it's so tiring.

Just a quick update from me, as promised to Hmm, Pegasus. Hope this helps..

I had a second app with my consultant yesterday, to go over some things about my ELCS in October. I mainly wanted some reassurance that if I went into labour before the date of my c/s, another consultant wouldnt be able to refuse it. He reassured me that they don't do things like that at this particular hospital, and that no one would override him. Which I guess is good and I hope this is enough. I also have a letter from him and his notes on my maternity record. Every day I just hope my baby will stay put!

He did also tell me that if I went into labour at say, 34 weeks, he would advise against it due to risks for baby. He didn't say that he would flat out refuse and said 'all cases are assessed individually'. I don't really know what would happen then though, I was too scared to keep questioning him really! I don't want people to thin I'm a selfish cow and don't care about my baby, of course I do. I just don't know how I would cope.

Will update again in future.

Thanks Ariel

Hoping everything is going well. I don't think you are selfish for thinking that. I just think you are going through every worse case scenario and panicking. Like I would too... and yep thats one that bothers me too...

That's exactly what I'm doing Hmm, all I think about is the worst possible outcomes and end up in a state! My poor husband worries so much. Luckily my mum is aware of it all and I'm getting support from her as well.

I'm not sure if you were aware of the stats and percentages either, but my consultant told me that the chance of going into labour before 37 weeks is 5%. And they would have no problem doing EMCS from that point. Lol but then I start worrying I will labour too quickly etc. It's one thing after the other! Am I bad for wanting her to stay breech as well? That's what I keep thinking!

Ariel thats good news.

Just an update on me. I went to see the anaesthetist and I take back everything I said, he was lovely. He was young, sympathetic, listened to me and gave me the facts. I wish he was the Obstetrician!! He said he would personally be doing the spinal if I am granted my ELCS.

I am going to see the MH prof next Thursday, who is a woman and Dr, they dont have a specialist midwife attached to the team. So my next stage of the plea bargaining is with her. I wanted to see the OBs soon after this apt, but he is going on 3 weeks annual leave (no doubt somewhere nice and hot!!) so I cant see him til 16th August. So thats more time to stress and worry. But his secretary did say that another obs would be available to discuss.

Im getting so stressed now as bump is getting bigger, due date is forever approaching faster 8.10.12 (or two wks earlier if ELCS) and still no decision or answer.

Will keep you posted.

Pegasus good to hear you got on well when you saw the anaesthetist. He sounds fantastic, I'm glad he was sympathetic.

I really hope the MH prof is as good when you see her. Is someone going with you to support you? That's a shame you cant see the OBS until August but if it helps at all it still gives you plenty of time to get the decision or if need be, see another consultant. Would you be happy to see another consultant or would you rather see the one you've seen before?

Pegasus, every still seems to be on the positive side apart from the waiting and drawn out process. Keep focusing on that, when you get stressed.

It seems stupid you have to see 8 thousand different people though. The whole thing just seems set up to cause maximum anxiety.

It is a shame about all the waiting etc...I saw one consultant and she ok'd it there and then. I dont have any physical problems and a straight forward 1st birth. My consultant however is memeber of birth trauma association.

I wonder if its time to get a bit shitty about it all....say you know people - who have had one agreed because the consultant was more " enlightened" and modern....you find it shocking that you have to jump through such hoops in this trust when not only are you afraid but also have real physical problems.
anyway good luck!

Thunks
"The point of therapy is to tackle the underlying issues that make the uncertainty, risk and pain of birth acceptable for some of us and unacceptable for others. There end to be deep-seated reasons that make some of us feel we can't cope in that situation.."

ooooh...not sure about that one Thunks! "makes us feel we can't cope" sounds a bit judgmental even though I know you probably didn't mean it to be.

I don't agree women who have a fear of childbirth need counselling UNLESS they want it. It is perfectly rational to fear childbirth because it frequently goes badly wrong. All the women who have had 'orgasmic' births are also the ones who have had very straightforward births.

A lot of women think about incontinence, perineal trauma, tears etc as well as asphyxia and shoulder dystocia and say er...no thanks! It is not about coping it is about listening to the decision they have made.

Hi, I've been reading through this thread and wasn't sure whether to post or not, but maybe my experience might be reassuring to someone! I had a "textbook, normal" delivery with my first son, induced, long labour but minimal tear and no stitching. Sounds great, no? Well, for me, no. It was the single most traumatic, painful and humiliating experience of my life, I could write down reasons why, but I'm not sure they'd make sense to anyone. It took me years to get over it, and in fact I didn't really. Which I feel guilty about saying as my experience was nothing like the awful things that happen to some people. Anyway, I just knew I cold never ever do it again. My partner and I really wanted a second child, but the thought of childbirth meant I couldn't even consider it. However, I fell pregnant in October last year, and the first thing I did at booking was say I really wanted an el cs. Midwife was incredulous, went on about my textbook normal delivery, talked to me like I was insane. Referred me to consultant reluctantly.

Four weeks ago, I had my second son, twelve years after the first, by el cs. It was amazing. Consultant appointment was fine, I was so scared. The minute she started to talk to me about my previous birth, the tears just came and I couldn't stop them. She was fantastic, and I got the date for my section the next week. I was offered counselling, but not pressured to agree to it.

There is a twelve year gap between my kids, and I wish I'd had the confidence to ask for a cs earlier. I think some women just find childbirth really difficult. I'm so glad or my many friends who have welcomed and lived the experience, it there's no shame in to being one of them; it's taken years for me not to feel guilty about it.

Sorry typos ...loved the experience and no shame in NOT being one of them.

cATHY

Your experience is similar to mine except my " established" labour was only 6 hours.....

However I dont feel guiltly saying it was too much for me, I think we all need to appreciate what is a walk in the park for some people simply isnt for some others.

I am sure there are many things I could cope with better than some people. But child birth is not one of them!

May I ask which hopsital you are with or what area.

My consultant was amazing too and my tears flowed from the get go! I have also been offered an ELC.

Conversly now the pressure is off - I can look at other options, like an epidural, but I think I will definalty have the ELC I am just afraid of going into labour before.

An elc also terrifies me tbh, but posts like yours really reassure me!

Hi all,

I found this rather ancient thread whilst google-searching 'petrified of pregnancy and birth.' I wandered if any of the ladies that posted here were able to update on their birth stories or how they are now?

Until very recently I've always believed I never wanted children, which has caused an immense amount of problems in all areas of my life. I suddenly feel so relieved though reading through this thread because after a decade I can finally actually narrow down exactly what my problem has been all this time - a true terror of pregnancy and birth. Although completely self diagnosed, I believe I am also struggling with tokophobia; and what a simple and obvious thing! But because of this being such a taboo I've felt like a complete failure of a woman and confused for so long because over the last few months I've been thinking how wonderful it would be to start trying for children at last but the idea of the process is absolutely terrifying for me.

I don't know what happens with these old threads - if anyone will ever read it again - but I wanted to say thank you to these ladies for being brave enough to come here and explain their fears. Just realising that I am not alone in this (feeling abnormal for so long, my marriage almost breaking up, the horrid rows with my inlaws, feeling awful around friends with babies when in fact I just didn't realise where my issues lay) has honestly helped me come to the decision that I do want to have children, we will start trying for them soon, but in order to do so I might just need a little more support than others do - and that's okay.

My husband is very supportive and understanding of this phobia, now that we understand it is an issue that's out there - just not widely known or recognized - it's like a breath of fresh air. My fear is such that I avoided my pregnant friends during their entire pregnancies as I felt so uncomfortable around them, and the battle I had with myself for feeling like such a disgusting friend. I am having nightmares, almost throwing up daily with accepting I (obviously) need to go through pregnancy in order to have a child and I that I wish to start TTC soon whilst coping with that - this is a horrid battle going on in me and I felt like the only person in the world going through it, but the only reason I feel I really can do it now is because of this.

Thank you, and I hope the ladies here got the births they wanted and are now happy with their families x

What I'd suggest is, trying to talk to someone about it before TTC. I didn't... I fell pregnant within 3 weeks and a combination of horrendous antenatal depression and being incredibly petrified of childbirth / needles led me to terminate 3 weeks ago. It felt like time was running away and I had no time to sort out things in my head and go through why I was so unhappy.

I believe it was the right decision, however I really want children, I just believe I won't be able to have them vaginally and despite requesting a C-section at 4+4, I wouldn't have been able to meet the Consultant until I was more than 15 weeks pregnant and it was very clear I couldn't expect a C-section, nor could I expect one to be granted to me at 15 weeks. My worry was, I'd get to 24 weeks and then they'd say 'No' - I still believe I would have killed myself at that prospect.

I don't want to be doom and gloom - I believe I can get over it and I hope you can too. I'm currently still talking to my counsellor and my partner and I are saving up for a private C-section so if we do TTC again, the constant fear of the NHS saying no to a C-section will be removed, something I am incredibly happy about as I just couldn't cope with the idea of not being in control.

So no, you're certainly not alone as I am so petrified about childbirth, it's untrue. Thankfully I also have an incredibly supportive partner. I also hope all the women on the thread had positive births and are very happy :)

Thank you Fluffy, I'm sorry to hear you are also struggling so much with this.
I'm thinking of ttc around late Dec but you're absolutely right, I plan on visiting GP before then to advise of my intentions and that I'd like to speak to a midwife before so I can explain how fearful I am. I'm terrified that after all these years fighting this, then finally deciding to start trying, I fall pregnant and experience the same panic :( That would definitely have been the case until v recently, which also scares me! It's such a horrid situation and so stressful. I see it as a positive thing that we can acknowledge this is at least an issue that's out there and we can accept it of ourselves, it's a start. Wishing you all the best X

Fluffy I am so so sorry to hear of your experience and that you didn't get the support and help that you needed when you needed it and wishing you all the best for the future.

Zeetea you're definitely wise to seek help and support before actually getting pregnant, there are health professionals who can help you with this.

I'm currently 20+5 and in my case I've suffered anxiety for years and have had CBT on and off. I had two MCs in quick succession in Nov last year and Feb this year which sent my anxiety and tokophobia through the roof. When I found out I was pregnant again in July my fiancé and I immediately started saving as I knew I wanted an elective c-section and it's so hit and miss as to whether you can get one on the NHS or not.

At my very first midwife appointment at 8 weeks I explained my history and said I wanted an elective c-section, the midwife looked at me as if I was mad but did go away to find out when I could see a consultant. Turned out that they don't discuss birth options until 28 weeks. There was no way I was going to make it to 28 weeks without having an emotional breakdown. I was having nightmares, panic attacks an sleep paralysis due to the stress and anxiety. So I went to see my midwife again a few weeks later, she referred me to a specialist midwife to talk about my tokophobia but warned me that she would try to convince me to have a natural birth. She also made me an appointment to see a consultant at 18 weeks.

My consultant wasn't available at my first appointment so I saw his registrar who was amazing but couldn't sign off the elective section so she booked me in to see him two weeks later which was this Wednesday just gone.

When I saw my consultant on Wednesday, we had a chat and went through my notes and history then he agreed immediately without hesitation or reservation to me having an elective c-section at 39 weeks. His actual words were 'you don't have to convince me, an elective c-section is entirely reasonable in your circumstances.'

I cannot describe the sheer relief at being taken seriously and treated with kindness and compassion. Having a very supportive partner helped immensely too but the stress and anxiety I have experienced before being granted my c-section has been truly miserable and I am always shocked by health professionals who don't take it seriously. It is a scandal. I honestly don't even want to think about how I would have coped had I been turned down or made to jump through hoops.

Anyway, sorry for the essay but wanted to share my story with you in the hope that it helps!

I have a severe phobia of childbirth and there was no possibility that I could contemplate giving birth naturally. Even before I was TTC I was experiencing insomnia and nightmares when I did sleep due to my extreme anxiety around pregnancy and childbirth. I completely understand the emotions you all describe including feeling so trapped that terminating a wanted pregnancy feels like the only option available.

I sobbed my way through every single midwife and consultant appointment right up until my ELCS under GA was agreed. This process took months but my community midwife was amazing and supported my request. I was worried people would think I didn't really want my baby when I threatened to terminate and explained my horror at being trapped by my body in my worst nightmare. The staff didn't see it that way though and said it showed how much my little boy must be wanted as I was putting myself through so much stress and upset to get him.

In the end, my delivery in January '15 was amazing. I knew I couldn't cope with having any links between the birth itself and my baby so GA was the only option for me. I went to sleep and the next thing I knew I was being shown this perfectly clean baby who was completely separate from me. I finally had the family I'd wanted for years and crucially I was mentally in one piece.

I wanted to post as often you read about the phobia or the fight with the NHS but it's less common to see the end of the story.

Zeetea and FluffyPersian - I hope you get the support you need
MsGlitterJunkie - I'm glad you got the decision you needed, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.