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Childbirth

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Original poster

Selfishly stressing about visitors after birth. What did you do?

93 replies

FreshwaterPlimpies · 07/04/2012 21:55

First baby due in a few weeks. I'm feeling fairly calm (harhar) about almost everything birth-related, but the thought of visitors afterwards is worrying me more than it should be.

What I would really love is to have 4-5 days of just me DH and the baby without visitors. The thought of having his family, my family (divorced parents so more of 'em) all round at the house after just giving birth, even briefly, is horrendous. I get on with all of them, (only a few minor issues lately with MIL;) they're all looking forwards to meeting the baby and it'll be lovely when they do.
I'm sure it's selfish to be thinking like this as this is a first grandchild on both sides, but I've read so many stories of women who struggled to establish bfing or just generally felt bewildered by it all because baby was being pass-the-parceled round straight after birth. It seems people who felt like this seem to insist on a few days visitor-ban for subsequent children.

I tentatively mentioned that we'd quite like a few days alone, but sister and grandma think it's the most precious thing they've ever heard of and keep sneaking in comments about when they'll be 'allowed' to see the baby. I'm not some crazed possessive hag who wants DC to be My Precious, just want this to be a calm, special time for a few days.. I'm thinking DC has his or her whole life to meet the relatives, but I know we'll not get the first few days back.

I think this topic has come up before, but would really appreciate some fresh opinions and to see what others have done.
Thank you:)

OP posts:
YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 07/04/2012 21:58

Well, it's totally your decision. It's not selfish.

FWIW, I would probably find it more stress than it was worth enforcing a five day wait, but a couple of days is easier, and then the best thing I found was to restrict visitors to short-ish periods (yes, you can do this even if people had ego travel to see you. It's what Travel Lodge's are for).

lagoonhaze · 07/04/2012 21:59

I felt similar but let a few visit in first two days and then said to everyone else. Baby and I are doing well but getting to know each other and learn to feed so we will them know when we were ready for visitors.

Sittinginthesun · 07/04/2012 22:00

DS1 / mil moved in. Nightmare! DS2 / insisted on no visitors before 10am, or after 4pm. Worked well.

blueberryboybait · 07/04/2012 22:05

DH was fab and filtered people who rang and let them know when they could come and see us. Once we were set and ready he posted a 'visiting hours' note on the front door for those who felt they could just pop in without warning. If anyone knocked outside those hours he answered and requested they come back later. Most were happy with that but the occasional 1 or 2 complained about wasting their time - DH suggested they rand first in future!

EdlessAllenPoe · 07/04/2012 22:06

not selfish. second time parents enforce boundaries for a good reasons. choose a set of restrictions you'd be comfortable with - bearing in mind that you wouldn't normally be expected to host people after, say, any other major physical and emotional event (eg car accident)

NatashaBee · 07/04/2012 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FreshwaterPlimpies · 07/04/2012 22:08

YoullLaugh had thought about just saying 3 days to be more reasonable, but I hear days 3-4 are the worst with baby-blues and milk coming in. Is that true?
Perhaps could do the same lagoon..just PILs, My mum and dad plus brothers and sisters at first..
Sittinginthesun MIL moved in? Good grief! Sympathies..

OP posts:
Meglet · 07/04/2012 22:11

Keep them away.

I had a miserable time after DS, visitors are the last thing you need if you're in pain / tired / establishing bf. TBH I'm still quite upset / ranty about it 5yrs on Blush Sad.

I learnt my lesson with DD and it was lovely. Not visitors in hospital, peace at home, just immediate family helping out with DS and leaving me in peace to bf in my pj's.

Meglet · 07/04/2012 22:11

freshwater I managed 2 weeks second time around. Even then I was in pj's when XP's parents came round.

Original poster
FreshwaterPlimpies · 07/04/2012 22:18

Meglet- Sounds like bliss (as much as first days of sheer exhaustion can be bliss, I suppose)

OP posts:
O2BNormal · 07/04/2012 22:19

One of the best tips I was given was to stay in PJs for the first 10 days. I had new ones mind, properly ironed to wear during the day, not the actual ones I had slept in Wink

That way "guests" tend to look after you rather than expect to be waited on iyswim

I think trying to enforce a 5 day wait will lead to issues that could last a lifetime, especially as you already have some simmering with your MIL, but do enforce a maximum stay time. 1 Hour max - it's your DP's job to make that happen Smile

MummysLittleSunbeams · 07/04/2012 22:20

Stick to your guns. I had no visitors in hospital with either of my dd's & was in there for 3/4 days. Both dh's family & mine don't live locally so we were lucky in that respect but they only came to stay when we said they could which was a few days after I'd got home.

Don't let them make you feel bad. Things were different in their day.

QTPie · 07/04/2012 22:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/04/2012 22:27

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say get them in early - while you are in hospital if you can.

Day 1 and 2 you will be on a high, the baby will be asleep a lot and won't actually want feeding all that often. All that will change somewhere from Day 3 onwards - Day 4 is milk arrival day and with it a shed load of hormones, and once the milk is in then the baby will want to feed, feed, feed!

Quick visits as soon as you can manage (get DH to organise it so they don't all come at once) and then everyone will leave you alone for a couple of weeks.

What you don't want is a houseful when you have got a week old baby, BFing is still painful and you are exhausted and you've run out of happy hormones.

Panzee · 07/04/2012 22:31

Another one who came on to say hospital visits are a good way to go. They don't stay long then, and then don't bother you at home. :o

startail · 07/04/2012 22:32

Only visitors bearing food, who know where the kettle is, believe in BFeeding and know when to leave are allowed to visit any baby under six weeks old.

All stress causing visitors are banned for 12 months.

eggkr · 07/04/2012 22:36

Dont do what i did and assume people would be sensitive and unselfish about visiting and would respect our need for time together.

They didnt.

I am still getting over it a year later.

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need and ensure it happens.

They are precious days.

Original poster
FreshwaterPlimpies · 07/04/2012 22:36

QTpie and Alibaba.. think I may be desperate for visitors if I have a section.. will be eating my words:) Was speaking to DH about maybe having visitors in the hospital as numbers can be more easily controlled. If all is uncomplicated though (I can hope), we might not be in for long enough... unless they start arriving as soon as the cord's cut ...

OP posts:
Rosebud05 · 07/04/2012 22:36

I'd go with the quick visit and pics as soon as possible and then ask them to leave you to it.

Actually, you probably will want to show off the most-beautiful-baby-that-has-ever-been-born to all and sundry, so hopefully it won't feel too much of an ordeal.

DefiniteMaybe · 07/04/2012 22:41

I don't know if I just have a different relationship with my family and in laws but I welcome them visiting me. When I had dc2 I arrived home from hospital around 1pm my mum came 1-4 mil came 4-6 and my dad and step mum came 6-9 and I think my sister was there for most of that time too. Then I arranged visits so I got at least 1 a day for the first few weeks. Having a newborn can be lonely and boring at times. Having visitors breaks up the day a bit.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/04/2012 22:49

Yes I was keen for visitors, couldn't wait to show my babies off and it does break up the day.

Just do whatever you are comfortable with.

I found staying in pjs for a week at least was the best thing - had a section both times - because it emphasises that you are in recovery mode, regardless of what kind of delivery you have, and so people aren't going to be expecting you to make the tea.
Sit on the sofa and direct operations, and if the baby is asleep then go to bed yourself!

mmmmmchocolate · 07/04/2012 23:09

If that's what you want then do it. You will only regret it I'm honestly not bitter 5 years on

When I had DD1 it was a nightmare in laws came the day after we got out of the hospital (when we were expecting the midwife as DD wasn't feeding and we ended up back in hosp) they came again many times in the morning and didn't leave until tea time. Spending the day holding my baby instead of me trying to get the hang of breast feeding. We even had to say we were going to the supermarket so they would leave which ended up with MIL saying that we could not take her out 'in this weather' (she was born in June and it wasn't 30degrees out but it wasn't snowing either)

When DD2 was born I said they could come for an hour in the afternoon on the day she was born they still ended up staying longer but then they were to fuck off for the next week and leave us alone. 'twas lovely Smile

threecurrantbuns · 08/04/2012 08:15

Haven't read thread but not selfish at all and if I had been able to say it I would definitely have had a week with no visitors I got very overwhelmed.

Although that was after I left the lovely birth centre visitors in there were fine as they had strict times so I intend to stay in this time for maybe two nights and get immediate family, mum etc to visit me during hospital time then I might get more time at home all to myself with my own family :)

WantAnOrange · 08/04/2012 08:39

I am planning a Home Birth and this is one thing that is worrying me quite a lot. Mostly I am happy to have visitors. ILs will be lovely. My Dad will probably visit for a very short amount of time (man of few words). I'm not concerned about my brothers (I was so suprised when I had DS to find out how lovely teenage boys can be with babies!).

The issue is my Mother. She will mean well and want to help BUT she does not understand "reasonable length of time". She will stay for HOURS. If I say we are going out, she will want to come with us. She does not understand hints or suggestions. I've suffered from Hyperemesis for the first trimester of this pregnancy and exhaustion. A few saturdays ago she 'popped in'. We had a cuppa and a chat but I could feel myself getting more and more tired. I explained this and she just says "Oh, are you?!" and didn't leave! I was so exhausted I even fell asleep for a minutes on the sofa and she still didn't even think of leaving me to rest. DH was FUMING when he got back to find I had been kept awake by her for 4 hours!

I don't want to keep her away from her grandchild and I don't want to hurt her but I just don't know how to tactfully tell her stay for and hour and then fuck off!

Blush didn't mean to hijack. Whatever you choose to do OP, it is NOT selfish!

suburbandream · 08/04/2012 08:47

With DS1, we didn't see any relatives for 2 weeks - but they do all live a couple of hours away so it wasn't reasonable to expect them to just drop in for twenty minutes then go. With DS2, my parents and Dsis came to the hospital to look after DS1 (although he almost witnessed the birth as DS2 came v.quick!!). That was great as they had time with DS2 but couldn't stay long Grin. I think you have to be very clear on what YOU want, as it is an exhausting time and you don't want to be stressing about cleaning the place up and entertaining visitors.