Selfishly stressing about visitors after birth. What did you do?

[FreshwaterPlimpies]

First baby due in a few weeks. I'm feeling fairly calm (harhar) about almost everything birth-related, but the thought of visitors afterwards is worrying me more than it should be.

What I would really love is to have 4-5 days of just me DH and the baby without visitors. The thought of having his family, my family (divorced parents so more of 'em) all round at the house after just giving birth, even briefly, is horrendous. I get on with all of them, (only a few minor issues lately with MIL;) they're all looking forwards to meeting the baby and it'll be lovely when they do.
I'm sure it's selfish to be thinking like this as this is a first grandchild on both sides, but I've read so many stories of women who struggled to establish bfing or just generally felt bewildered by it all because baby was being pass-the-parceled round straight after birth. It seems people who felt like this seem to insist on a few days visitor-ban for subsequent children.

I tentatively mentioned that we'd quite like a few days alone, but sister and grandma think it's the most precious thing they've ever heard of and keep sneaking in comments about when they'll be 'allowed' to see the baby. I'm not some crazed possessive hag who wants DC to be My Precious, just want this to be a calm, special time for a few days.. I'm thinking DC has his or her whole life to meet the relatives, but I know we'll not get the first few days back.

I think this topic has come up before, but would really appreciate some fresh opinions and to see what others have done.
Thank you:)

Another one against the grain ... set your own rules ... and then just see how amazed the GPS are to meet their grandchild.

For me, it wasnt so much the visiting ... more the LEAVING. My folks were fine, they came and went in short bursts ... however, the inlaws arrived in hosp, and wouldnt bloody go ... eventually they were scared away by the shouty midwife. Second time around, I was much more vocal and sent them away after half an hour ... but honestly, EVERYONE got so much joy out of seeing the granddaughters, even for a short time, I am very very glad I got to share that with them. You should have seen them all bursting with pride. Really, it´s an amazing thing to share.

As a parent you will be spending the much of the next few decades telling someone what to do / what not to do so this is an ideal opportunity to hone your skills

Visits in the first few weeks can be absolutely brilliant if your visitors are prepared to be helpful and not outstay their welcome. E.g. Phone ahead to find out what you've just run out of and need them to bring from the shop, turn up on time, make tea / snacks etc for you , tidy up after themselves, brief cuddle whilst you wee / shower / nap and then leave.

Anyone you don't think will be able to follow these simple rules should be met with garlic and crucifixes.

Your DP has an important role as the gatekeeper here. Also he needs to practice useful phrases such as "It's been lovely to see you and we're looking forward to spending more time together in a few weeks when everything is a bit more settled. Here are your coats." With people like your mum you have to be really blunt - agree at point of invitation that visit will be short (and give a specific duration eg half an hour) then once time is up reinforce that again "Well, it's been lovely, but we did say half an hour and I really need to rest / feed etc now. We'll be able to spend longer together when you come for your next visit on XX date. Here is your coat."

Don't be afraid of being brusque now. It may put a few noses out of joint but compared to the permanent damage to your relationship that seething resentment can cause, that is a pretty minor issue. Your relatives have the rest of their lives to coo and cuddle, they will forget the first visit pretty quick but if your bonding time is ruined by others you will be pissed off forever!

Anyone you don't think will be able to follow these simple rules should be met with garlic and crucifixes.

Love it

And I agree. Set clear rules and get dp to uphold them. And don't forget to enjoy introducing your baby to people who love you

I don't know. I didn't see my parents for about a week and in hindsight I really wished my mum had been there earlier. I had a nightmare trying to BF and she would have been a big help (partly due to the shite and misinformation I was given by a myriad of MWs).

i had home births with all of my kids, and to be honest visitors were great(for a short period of time) they entertained older kids and made endless brews, did shopping and washed up. after birth baby will hopefully sleep a lot so it's good to get people in soon after birth, by day 3 hormones play havoc, the trick is trying to coordinate them round midwife visits, you don't want to have post birth issues discussed in front of an audience. If you really don't want people round which is totally your choice, you could always use the ' i'm not sure when the mw is going to visit' line. please try not to get too worried about it, last few weeks of pregnancy are draining enough for you, take care, xx

First time round I sat and sobbed as my baby was passed around by people I barely knew and milk leaked through my top. Second time? A blanket ban on ALL visitors for 5 days!!! Another good idea is to get all the family round at MIL's or DM's and get it over and done with in one go AND you can leave when you've had enough. In fact, that is what I'm doing this afternoon!

You might be surprised how you feel - we wished more people would pop in so we could show off our gorgeous new addition! Best thing is to make sure people know to call before turning up, then you can decide if you feel up to visitors / want them when you know how you're feeling at the time.

Its really hard not to feel selfish! But its your time and I agree from my own awful experience you cannot risk it and you cannot get those days back.

My precious moments were in hospital because I got home and walked into a nightmare. Its makes me cry even now when I read - " proud parents bring baby home", I walked into a miserable MIL, SIL snatched baby and held, MIL took over, my own F was in a foul mood, it was awful. I asked them all to leave before we got back but they were still here, they had changed the entire house around, riffled thru my personal papers, bank statements etc....I couldnt find a single thing, MIL said at the hosp - running in - rushed to bed looked at her and said " OHHHHH NOOOOO she looks like you "!! Later " Dont worry baby, when you come to grandmas....I will give you " proper" food"! She was horrid to me, no respect that I had just laboured to give her this first grandchild!!!

Because I wasnt in tears ( about a recent bereavment), or moaning about my pain below to her - because I dont feel comfy too in her prescence...she assumed i was as right as rain and ready to hoover, clean and sort things out!!!!

I understand your vistors will not be that bad....but if this is what you are feeling, go with it.

or get them all in for an hour or two then banish until ready.

I cant get those moments back and I have to accept it was my/our fault, this time round NO ONE WILL BE HERE except those I want. I dont give one jot about PIL this time, they burned thier birdges last time!

BTW had my dear M been alive - she could have stayed with me from labour straight thru if thats what she wanted but she was warm, kind and helpful and had a good attitutude and was very funny, and she would have been fabulous.

Only let in people who wont upset or drain you.

I should add, my parents came to stay both times, my mum was here for a week when I had DS2 because she was running the house and looking after DS1 while DH looked after DS2 and I.
She was amazing and I would have had a much harder time of it without her and my dad being there.

So the right kind of visitors can be amazing!
I don't have any friends or family who would snatch the baby or take over without being asked to, so I don't recognise those scenarios.

I don't think it's selfish at all to want a few days to recover and get yourselves settled at home before having guests over. I can understand relatives will be excited to see the new baby, but surely they can wait just a few days? If they have a problem with that, I think they are the selfish ones for wanting to intrude on you at a time you may not feel up to entertaining.

My SIL had a good plan. It took some guts imo and I was a bit in awe of her really as I know it would be the last thing I would WANT to do but it seemed to work quite well.

They stopped off at close families houses on the way home from hospital. That way SHE got to limit the time where ever they were and it also stopped the feeding frenzy of rellies all wanting to make sure they get their proper place in the pecking order to see the new baby.

Obviously this only works if you leave hospital at a reasonable time of day, feel OK in yourself and have a cluster of family close by.

SIL says she chose to do this because she knows how overbearing our ILs can be. She and BIL chose the most overbearing rellies to visit like this, the ones they knew were not going to take a No or come back later without kicking up a fuss.

They then actually had no visitors at home for 5 days except some very close friends.

Another friend of mine got her DP to tell everyone mum and baby OK but Mum was feeling rather under the weather and not upto visitors and had been told to rest by the midwife/Dr. She said there was only one anal relative who still tried to insist on still coming to visit. Although not totally the truth my friend said its also not totally a lie because she was not really upto droves of visitors coming and going.

It actually sounds lovely in theory. But...when the time comes you might appreciate the extra help. Visitors to new parents (usually) like to wash up, make lunch, boil the kettle etc which can be good!

Id say be prepared for the unexpected though.My pil knew exactly what we wanted and that was to visit at the hospital then go home.I had had a section and we had my dd9 to consider also (not their gc)
What they did was visit,stay too long so that they could leave with us,lied to the mw who suggested we'd be better off on our own as i was tired/baby not feeding too well. Then strategically left stuff at our house to "collect" then put their slippers on and made themselves comfy asking about dinner as they were "hungry" Dh had to be extremely insistant on them leaving which made for bad feeling and a very uncomfortable hour on a night that should have been magical. I eded up with very bad pnd which i think was triggered by this and the baby was taken back in the next day so we never had any time with her alone.
She is 14 months now but i am still angry about what happened and so is dh.
I think its worth discussing how you will handle a situation like this.
I am such a gobby cow normally but i was at my most vulnerable and just sat and cried.

When you want people to leave you could not-so-subtly fall asleep on the sofa (or pretend)!! Have that as a 'sign' for your dp to kick them out!

not unreasonable at all to lay down some ground rules, i wish we had done this with our first two!

with ds1 i had a nightmare end of pregnancy, hospitalised with spd, failed induction at 38wks, then induced once past dates, a nightmare 3 day labour and i was knackered, i was told NOT to get out of bed by drs as my pelvis had seperated too much and was in a lot of pain from that and an episiotomy yet my dps relatives (mum, aunt and her husband) turned up the next day and stayed for ages, passing the baby round etc whilst i was tired, emotional, in pain and trying to get to grips with bfeeding etc. it was made worse by the fact that i was just 20 and i had only met the aunt and her husband once before for all of 20mins.

at one point i had to get up to go to the toilet and shuffled off in pain, i enede up crying, a midwife saw me and immediately knew what the issue was and she went back and told the relatives they needed to go so i could rest! yay! but when they went they insisted on taking dp with him so they could all go out for a meal and spend the rest of the day with him, so i was left alone, stuck in bed and barely able to pick the baby up! :(

with ds2 i came home from hospital asap after birth, quick easy delivery, but still had terrible spd, they again turned up the next day, at our home this time, and stayed until late at night, it was about 10pm and they commented that i looked tired! well yes, labour started at midnight, ds2 was born at 7am and you are still here, so we are sat entertaining when i should be in bed!!

they also brought their dog, i am allergic to dogs!!

with ds3 it was easier as he was born just before xmas and the weather meant they couldnt dahs over and we said that we wanted a a week or so on our own, they were most put out!

ds4 again we said wait a week or two, in the end the aunt was so cross that we wouldnt let her come in the first week that she refused to come for 6 wks, her loss.

and with dd we asked for them to wait a bit as well, this time there was a bit more discussion and i tried to explain our reasoning for wanting a bit of time, but basically got told we were mean for not letting htem see the baby when it was 'new' i mean a few days old or a week old, its still new ffs!

but then these are relatives that turned up at the bedside of another new mum within 4hrs of her having a c-section, 6 of them all at once and hung around for ages!! so they really dont get it!

My house was like Piccadilly Station when both DC arrived, just as one set of guests left another arrived.At one stage there were no seats left in the living room and I remember going upstairs to cry because it was all too much.For several days I was making cups of tea,repeating my birth story whilst trying to look after my newborn.OH had to keep going out for more milk we were brewing up that many times.The phone never stopped ringing, guests stayed put when the MW arrived.It was madness, especially with DS it was like a new messiah had arrived, some people even visited twice and my darling mum came every day.I found the whole experience very overwhelming,but things did eventually calm down.

But looking back, many of my visitors have now gone and I'm so glad they participated in both my children's first days and I would give my left arm to have the inconvenience of them being in my home. Do whatever feels right for you and DP, me I had no choice in the matter !!!

Oh I feel sorry for some of you. I did have visitors at my hospital bed a few hours after giving birth by emergency c section. It wasn't easy, I was in a painkiller daze to be honest. They didn't stay long though thankfully. I am pleased that my mum was there and that my dad came to visit too. I'd let my mum stay as long as she likes as all she does is help!

Wasn't too happy with a fairly distant relative of dp 'popping by' that evening when I least expected it, out of visiting hours because he'd been to a&e for an injury. I was embarrassed at the state of myself to be honest. With close family I don't care so much they've seen goo and bad.

Hospital visits are best, like the poster above said. You're on a high, baby is asleep and midwives are great for enforcing short visits!

My ILs arrived both times when my babies were 1/2 days old. Sat in our house for about 8 hrs, did nothing to help. At one point MIL actually said "shall I hold the baby and let you get on with things?"

Let them visit u in hospital but YANBU for
not wanting to be disturbed when you get home. It is the most bestest time & tiring time in your whole life you should be able to celebrate it how you want to.
Especially if ur Bf the last thing you need is visitors stressing you out & disprupting your privacy.
I think 3-4 days alone is reasonable and they should respect your wishes without calling u 'precious'-they sound like a nightmare IMO

Dc1 was born at 7pm, DH went home at 11pm and arrived again at 10am - my parents appeared at 3pm as soon as visiting started. Now we'd spent between 10 and 3 eating, showering, seeing the pediatrician, trying to sort bfing, seeing another doctor, more eating, more MWs - we'd not stopped at all with just the 3 of us. My parents were kicked out as my dinner arrived, then an hour after that DH went home. It was horrible, I didn't get to hold DC, feed him properly (i.e. naked from the waist up) I was wearing blood stained clothes. My milk didn't come in until day 6. Then MIL came to stay on day 7 for a week. It was not the best outcome

Similar issues with Dc2 - a HB at 9pm but they turned up next day at 12.30pm and left at 7pm. They insisted we go for a walk in the afternoon, I agreed because I thought they'd fuck off after that.

Luckily DC3 was born in the middle of a snowstorm so they couldn't come right over but when they did, and they insisted on arriving before lunch - I refused to have anything to do with feeding them and DH fed them some barely warm undefrosted meal from the freezer that I'd promised him they wouldn't like, vegetarian foreign muck - then I went to bed with the baby, then took the baby out by myself to the doctor. I'd cried and shouted at them on the phone, but they felt they were more important.

Friends were far better! We had an "open" afternoon with DC3, invited everyone to pop in at the same time. Baby was passed around, everyone brought biscuits, DH made drinks, the kids played.

With DC3 we waited a few weeks to go and stay in a self catering cottage near DH's family - we put them up after DC1 and 2 and it was awful - but then any guest who expects full waitress and nanny service is going to irritate.

I'm 5 days in after having my first by emcs. I was dreading visits esp from in laws and had actually made a few posts like yours. Well, 5 days in and its not been too bad. I had in laws visit in hospital and told them they could stay for 10 mins. Mil kept asking if she could hold baby and I just said no. When I got home i've had a couple of visits but i've just been firm and said you can pop over for 10 mins and a quick cuddle and as soon as baby stirs I just say you'll have to go now as we need to get feeding. Just be firm, your baby your terms. X

Oh some of these are awful.. what are some people are like?
This has made me think back to when my Grandma would take me to visit neighbors who'd just had their babies.. now I look back, I just wonder, what was she thinking? Domineering doesn't cover it.
Am seriously thinking a four/five day ban might be sensible.
Congrats feekerry!

You are NOT being selfish at all. It is perfectly reasonable to want a few days to rest and adjust without the upheaval of visitors. It is awful when people come to visit and the baby gets passed about like a doll, coming back to you smelling of strong perfume or (worse!) cigarette smoke. Often, the tired new mum ends ups playing "hostess" to a relay of visitors who leave her with dozens of dirty cups and no milk. It is TOTALLY understandable for you to not-want these things to happen! Goodness, the baby is not going anywhere! Take lots of pictures to show people and ignore any criticism. Everyone copes with the transition to parenthood differently and it is perfectly within your right to decide how that transition happens.