Selfishly stressing about visitors after birth. What did you do?

[FreshwaterPlimpies]

First baby due in a few weeks. I'm feeling fairly calm (harhar) about almost everything birth-related, but the thought of visitors afterwards is worrying me more than it should be.

What I would really love is to have 4-5 days of just me DH and the baby without visitors. The thought of having his family, my family (divorced parents so more of 'em) all round at the house after just giving birth, even briefly, is horrendous. I get on with all of them, (only a few minor issues lately with MIL;) they're all looking forwards to meeting the baby and it'll be lovely when they do.
I'm sure it's selfish to be thinking like this as this is a first grandchild on both sides, but I've read so many stories of women who struggled to establish bfing or just generally felt bewildered by it all because baby was being pass-the-parceled round straight after birth. It seems people who felt like this seem to insist on a few days visitor-ban for subsequent children.

I tentatively mentioned that we'd quite like a few days alone, but sister and grandma think it's the most precious thing they've ever heard of and keep sneaking in comments about when they'll be 'allowed' to see the baby. I'm not some crazed possessive hag who wants DC to be My Precious, just want this to be a calm, special time for a few days.. I'm thinking DC has his or her whole life to meet the relatives, but I know we'll not get the first few days back.

I think this topic has come up before, but would really appreciate some fresh opinions and to see what others have done.
Thank you:)

Don't feel selfish at all - it is totally your choice. They are precious days and as some PPs have said, things that upset you during this time can have a habit of still causing issues a long time after the event.

I got off pretty lightly compared to many on this thread, but did find MIL difficult at times. She has a habit of spouting a constant stream of negative comments ("you look exhausted" - yes, have just pushed a 9lb baby out and had v little sleep in the days leading up to it; "you might not have enough milk for him" - funny how he's still bf 2.5 years late etc ad nauseum ) I think she thinks this is how you show concern, but it was really blardy irritating especially as I was actually feeling ok about things.

Also what really peed me off was the fact that she took it upon herself to tell SIL not to visit because I was "too exhausted" which a) wasn't true by this point and b) a visit from SIL would have been considerably less stressful than one from MIL as she'd know when to leave and stop saying words.

My DM, on the other hand, was brilliant - genuinely helpful without taking over. The right visitors can be great, but I know it can be a bit tricky to allow some people to visit and not others without causing major issues.

Good luck

You are the mother and you need to be cherished, feel safe and have some space to get to know your gorgeous new child. Some people feel more safe with crowds of family around them.
I didn't and it seems as if you also want more privacy and time for you and DH. Like every other aspect of parenting, there is no rule and what suits your new family is what you need to do.
Starting feeding can be emotional, painful and frustrating. Huge sore breasts with tiny baby's mouth and neither of you knowing what to do. I found it easier to sit with my shirt open, both of us crying, without simultaneously chatting and making cups of tea for people passing through. (Hopefully feeding will be more straightforward for you but it does take time and concentration to get it going.)

I also second the hospital visit idea, ideally day after baby is born. With my first my inlaws had decreed that they would visit at the weekend after the baby was born (because that suited them best), turned out to be the day after the baby spent a night crying with hunger, and then my milk came in along with a massive hormone crash. I had a melt down and they all sheepishly went out for lunch and came back with a big bunch of flowers, but not great all round. With my second I asked them to visit at hospital and that worked much better!

I had home births with DC2 and 3 and the worst thing that happened to me was the in laws arriving at the house less than an hour after the birth to see dc2!!! I was still unwashed and definitely not ready for visitors! DH had to answer the door and tell them to come back in the morning!

Aside from that, I like having visitors as I enjoy showing off my baby and talking about the birth etc! But, it's your decision - why don't you just ask people to phone first to ask when would be a good time and then it's your call.

I wouldn't make a massive deal about it, just wait and see when the time comes. The morning after DC3 was born we had a house full for dc2's 4th birthday - it was crazy, but had to be done and we all had a lovely time!!

Good luck with the birth and enjoy being a mum

Sorry - it was the afternoon after dc3's birth that we had the birthday tea, not the morning (that would have been a bit too much!)

I'd agree with hospital visits for relatives who need firm boundaries, but you might be amazed by who is helpful etc.

My PILs visited in hospital on day 2 and rallied like troupers when we were discharged unexpectedly during their visit! They arranged food for dinner (from the contents of a hospital shop! My mind still boggles how MIL managed it), went home with DH to collect car seat & buggy, packed us up and bundled us all into a cab (again, how they found one in east London during a football match is a mystery), paid for the cab, and then left us too it with hot food in the oven.

Bearing in mind they are in their 70s and had popped up on the train for a 30min visit and ended up getting home after 11pm I am still moved to tears by their kindness.

My sisters excelled themselves by visiting on their way home from work & cooking vast batches of lasagna for weeks, even DSis1 who was 38 weeks pregnant!

The thing is, I found most visitors didn't seem to have the sense to just stay for a short time, a couple of hours seems so much longer with a newborn and feeding etc. I felt robbed of time with just dh and baby and just don't have the guts to tell people to go

I'm expecting in two weeks and it happens to coincide with a visit from relative's from abroad, who I think are expecting to stay with US, I know it is no way what I want but not sure how they will take that especially as they don't have children. They can stay with my mum but with the distance it means we would still need to organise an all day get together, I'm already getting worked up by it all :(

Its been a nightmare with my previous 3 dcs as my divorced parents live quite a distance away so short visits aren't viable and each time I've been ground down with immense pressure from my dad to come but he insists on having to stay as the journey is too far. Then insists on taking the other dcs and dh out half the time he is staying, helpful in one way but also annoying as it means I don't get that precious time with them to myself.

Sorry I have just had a rant!

Next time, I was considering sending the announcement text along with a comment saying, would be great to see you but please call/text first.... not sure if it will work but then we can at least plan the visits....

i can feel your pain, its so stressful having loads of visitors when you feel like crap and dont know what day of the week it is. At the time i had the kids, i just accepted it....now i wouldnt. id have my nearest and dearest to visit and the rest would have to wait. Do it on your terms.

Well, you know your family best, but, as some others have said, some visitors can be very helpful and supportive - doing the 'jobs' so you can just sit and look at your baby .
You may also find you are fine in the first instance, and desparate to "show off" your new arrival. I know I would have been devastated if our families hadn't been there to share the first days.
At the end of the day though, it is about how you feel at the time, which you won't know until the time.

your partner is your friend.
(s)he need to be strong for you.
Let them take the lead.... "Freshwater, you really need to have a rest.. Mum sorry to kick you out but I know you will understand, we are all knackered" Insert relevant names.

I set a rule that DM and DMil were allowed around whenever as long as they
a) brought food, and
b) helped out.
They both did which included my Mil doing all of my washing, drying & ironing for about a month. Some days I didn't even see her but clean washing would appear

I also has a scrap piece of paper with monday - Sunday on and am / pm / evening. So when people called to check if we were "in" I sort of confirmed a particular day/time slot.

If someone was coming in the morning, then I'd not let anyone come in the afternoon, but perhaps have evening visitors on that day. likewise if it was a particular draining family member, then I'd not have any more visitors that day

This wasn't planned (although it sounds like it) but it just kept my baby brain at bay so that not too many people turned up on any one day.

I also joked in a serious way that evening visitors weren't allowed unless they brought dinner or ingredients for dinner to be cooked by them This worked!! Dp and I had some lovely evenings with friends/family members over a nice dinner and dd sleeping in Moses basket next to us.

See how you feel once DC arrives as you will want to show him/her off. I did, but DP had had enough of visitors by about day 7. I then had mastitis on day 11 so DP cancelled on friends and put people off coming for about a week, which was lovely as we had some lovely days together as a new family with little walks and trips to the shops.

All the best
HTH

I am thinking of two options for next time.

1. Update Facebook and send out mass-text saying "Healthy baby born blah blah blah. It was totally awesome and I rocked it. We're battening down the hatches for a little babymoon so won't be accepting visits for a few days. [Maybe include a bit here about lounging about my house in the altogether to really put people off.] Thank you to everyone for all your support and understanding and we'll see you soon!"

1. Just not tell anyone and see the look on their faces when they turn up and see me cwtching a baby! hahahahahaha! :D

And remember to remind them that back in their day, chances are when they were having you/dh/siblings they would have had at least a week if not two in hospital/a maternity home, probably with a much higher staffing ratio so would have had strict visiting hours and help with feeding, bathing, etc.

Even if we wouldn't have agreed with or liked the routines enforced, it did mean that by the time the mum and new baby came home, they had had a chance to really get to grips with feeding (certainly got past the milk coming in stage) and would effectively be a lot further on than when mums tend to get discharged now.

Yet I think that lots of the older generations forget this and conveniently assume that if you have been sent home then you are at the same stage they were when they were sent home - and therefore ready for visitors!

I don't think you're being selfish at all!

My parents were great and didn't visit at all for a couple of days, and then (as we were still in hospital) just came for a few minutes twice a day.

It got a little more testy after we got home and I found myself cooking them lunch a week after emcs as I couldn't stand the bickering in the kitchen as they tried to do it. Another abiding memory is a quick trip into town with my mother strutting down the street with the pushchair leaving me waddling miles behind unable to keep up.

The best visitors were our good friends - they came round one evening, didn't want to hold the baby and bought us a curry

Remember my hv's mantra - Cuddles only in exchange for Casserole, Cake and Cleaning

I'm still operating under the same policy and dd is now 6 months old

Cuddles only in exchange for Casserole, Cake and Cleaning

I'm going to live by that one until dd is 8 love it!

So true about in the grand parents generation they were in hospital for clot longer getting to grips with things, a two week old baby is alot less of a shock to the system as a day old which in my experience is when everyone now direct to be there.

And might I add visitors always seemed to coinside with the baby just going to sleep (but they still wanted to pick up and hold) not so bad when it's your first but when you get to 3 or 4 it is very stressful people wanting to disturb your skeeping baby.

Or visitors arrive when your baby wants bf which takes a while at first then the visitors hang around even longer.

Excuse typos, predictive text!

Not sure how old you think the OP's parents are!?! .
What you are describing happened when dh's Gran had dh's Mum, but, if she were still alive, she would be well into her 90s now!
I was born in the 1960s and we were all born at home - not because my Mum was some right on hippy type (she wasn't!) but because that's what happend then.
Agree with poster way back who say stay in your PJs for a few days - people all up and dressed don't look as much as if they need to be looked after as those in their PJs

Love the 'Casserole / Cake / Cleaning in exchange for Cuddles' saying

I think you should set your boundaries asap, i wish I had done!

DS: MIL arrived at the hospital and managed to bluster her way in to the delivery room, dumped a bunch of flowers down next to DS and almost snatched him out of the MW's hands while she was trying to weigh him! She got kicked out quite firmly but didn't leave for ages commenting on everything. A 'friend' turned up and made some quite nasty comments about how she was trying to conceive and I just apparently "popped out a baby I didn't want"... (I don't see her now)

DD1: Again MIl showed up at the hospital as soon as visiting hours started along with my parents, SILs and cousins and sat there watching me try to BF until DH made everyone leave. The day we were discharged half of my DH's family turned up at home, gossipped, expected us to wait on them and passed DD round for what seemed like hours. When my doctor called round to do a HV, my MIL (again) actually started telling him about her medical problem & asked him to do a prescription for her!

DD2: Had a HB this time, very early in the morning. My parents popped in on their way to work for 5 minutes and because i had actually been firm this time & made it very clear that I was having a HB partly so that we would get some privacy and time to ourselves we were left pretty much alone for a couple of days. MIL was much more helpful, phoned rather than just turned up, and when she did come she brought food :)
Be firm OP, it's a precious time xx

I've only recently found out I'm pregnant again but already dreading the post birth visits :( unfortunately my family expected to be waited on. Vast amounts of tea were made. Nobody offered to make one. I hated every minute of their visits. It sounds awful to say that but I really didn't enjoy it!
With my first I had visitors as soon as the hospital has visiting. The whole family. Not just parents/pil brothers, sisters with their girlfriends/boyfriends. When I got out after 3 days I arrived home to 9 members of my family sitting in my living room. I spent the afternoon in the kitchen making tea and coffee while the gets played pass the parcel with my baby!
My brother and his dp recently had a baby. They didn't invite anyone to hospital, when they got home they had no visitors for the first couple of days then parents only. Siblings were invited for an hour slot about a week later.
I'm planning on being a lot more assertive this time with regards to visitors.

Isnt this shocking, If I am ever a MIL to a DIL I would like to say - if she is having a baby I will try and ask what support she would like or - if we could see the baby for a short while in the first week, then be around whenever she would want us - to HELP, how she wanted help.

How insensitve and horrid people are. Esp the MIL who know what having a child is like - physically and emotionally and they just barge in domineering.

The mother is stressing about upsetting thier feelings but there is no two way street in alot of these posts about how the new mother feels.

I just hope I can be a better MIL should I ever be one.

Shouldnt all close family visitors really be deferring to the family expecting, asking them what they would actually like them to do!!!!!

With mine, after a hideous time at hosp with MIL comments, and then back home getting me hovering ( damaged back), interfering and general rudeness, she did offer on day 6 for us to go to hers for a sunday roast, a beautiful peice of beef she said she had slow roasting. After a week of rubbish food my mouth was watering. We called on the sunday and asked what time we should go, to be told MIL was in bed and we we couldnt go round. On sunday when most shops are shut etc for us to get food in.
Turned out a comment I had made the day before " upset" her so she had to retire to bed and just abandoned us.
This time, I dont even want to tell them I am pregnant. I still have " oh I must see GD they change all the time you know", ringing in my ears, my beloved DD birth became all about MIL obsession with seeing her because they change all the time.

It makes me so angry, perhaps in all the rubbish bumf paper crap you get when pregnant about this and that should include a leaflet to hand out to PIL and parents, about how the new mother may feel and how best to support her, chiefly by being sensitive, and asking her what she might like!

If they saw something offical written down in a leaflet maybe it would help them adhere to being civil.

I would let them come but just retire to bed with the baby to 'feed' after half an hour. You will have many many precious days with just you, your DH and your baby