Selfishly stressing about visitors after birth. What did you do?

[FreshwaterPlimpies]

First baby due in a few weeks. I'm feeling fairly calm (harhar) about almost everything birth-related, but the thought of visitors afterwards is worrying me more than it should be.

What I would really love is to have 4-5 days of just me DH and the baby without visitors. The thought of having his family, my family (divorced parents so more of 'em) all round at the house after just giving birth, even briefly, is horrendous. I get on with all of them, (only a few minor issues lately with MIL;) they're all looking forwards to meeting the baby and it'll be lovely when they do.
I'm sure it's selfish to be thinking like this as this is a first grandchild on both sides, but I've read so many stories of women who struggled to establish bfing or just generally felt bewildered by it all because baby was being pass-the-parceled round straight after birth. It seems people who felt like this seem to insist on a few days visitor-ban for subsequent children.

I tentatively mentioned that we'd quite like a few days alone, but sister and grandma think it's the most precious thing they've ever heard of and keep sneaking in comments about when they'll be 'allowed' to see the baby. I'm not some crazed possessive hag who wants DC to be My Precious, just want this to be a calm, special time for a few days.. I'm thinking DC has his or her whole life to meet the relatives, but I know we'll not get the first few days back.

I think this topic has come up before, but would really appreciate some fresh opinions and to see what others have done.
Thank you:)

I was due to have DC over Xmas/new year so I moved back home to my parents in early Dec (I live 300+ miles from family) and transferred to my lovely "local" hospital with new maternity wing (had a birthing pool and great care) and my mum and DP (also from my hometown) were able to be my birthing partners.

Was very appreciative of being near my family and in laws and other local friends who were home over Xmas seeing family.

Came home from hospital on the Mon (baby born on Sat), had three friends round on the Weds night for baby cuddles, then on the Sat had an open house for more friends/family friends. And in laws came as and when, but not that much.

Came back to my home with DP after two weeks at my parents after the local midwife team had discharged me.

In hindsight I would maybe have seen less family and friends, bfeeding never got established, but I have no regrets about being in my familiar home town. Plus I got to show off my PFB!

I think it's up to each person to do what they want to do but I loved having visitors and showing my new baby off. The first few days they tend to sleep a lot anyway and it was lovely to see people and celebrate. I'm sure if no-one wanted to come and visit you would feel a bit upset that people weren't showing an interest. To me it is the most natural thing in the world that close family and friends will want to meet a new baby

This topic resonates with me as I had a nightmare situation after a very traumatic emergency c section and sick baby in SCBU. When I finally escaped hospital after 5 nights without sleep, my parents were brilliant, went to our house and cleaned, cooked, washed up, watched the baby so we could sleep etc etc.

However PIL were horrific, turned up empty handed after promising to bring lunch - we had no food in - then made themselves comfy and demanded I make coffees for them - I was in massive pain, still weak from blood loss, installed on the sofa and unable to stand without help. I wasn't 'allowed' to breastfeed in front of them either (though it was quite nice to have an excuse to disappear to the bedroom).

Next time, we are going to set visiting rules. I'm not countenancing anyone visiting who won't help out until at least a week, probably two, after the birth (in case I have another caesarean)

We had three weeks without visitors... One of our twins was in special care for two weeks so we couldn't entertain in that time. But we then insisted on a week alone once both babies were home and it was lovely. I still think the subsequent onslaught of visitors was overwhelming and wish I had holed up for longer. I had very strong feelings about not wanting to share them though... I has to suppress some very strong instinctive feelings to allow other people to even hold them, which is strange because I thought I'd be the opposite. Before they were born I thought I'd be so excited to show the babies off!

BackforGood - - I was talking about my mum's experiences - and she had me and my sis after your mum had you!!

Obviously our parents' generation had as wide a range of experiences as we do - I was talking about what my mum experienced and I was born end of the 60s, my sis was born in the early 70s. From talking to her about her experiences when sis and I had dc, in her generation she thought that home births were really rare (unless as happened to my sis, baby came very quickly and you didn't actually make it to hospital!).

So even though that is when she had her babies, she would be really shocked to hear you say that home births were the norm for the 60s!

And I certainly remember being in junior school in the mid-late seventies when friend's mums were having younger siblings and were in hospital for at least a week.

My cousins were born in the 90s over about 9 years - by then at the start their mum was in hospital for about 4-5 days, would have been in for a week for a caesarian, at the end of the decade aunt decided to discharge herself the same day which was pretty unusual (but she was an obstetric doc and was on her 4th child so confident enough to do so) - most people were expected to stay for a couple of days after a normal delivery...

My first visitor to the hospital other than DH was my PIL as he happened to be in London at a works conference when I gave birth and so came the day after. It was announced accross a tannoy in the conference that he had become a grandad!! I didn't know he was going to visit the hosptial and wasn't actually at my best, but what could I do!

the 250 mile distance and the fact my parents were both teachers meant they could only visit for a day while I was in hospital and then I saw all family on both sides two and a half weeks later when we took the new baby for Christmas at my parents. Yes, we were mad! :)

Well.. had a big talk with DH about this the other night and after thinking about it all, we decided to take the plunge in asking for a few days alone. Aside from overbearing families, DH is pretty anxious about the practical side of caring for a newborn, so I think having these few days will really help him (and me) get a bit of confidence (before MIL, Grannies etc all turn up to tell him he's 'doing it wrong' )
We went round to PIL's last night and raised the subject over dinner. MIL wasn't happy about 'not being able to see the baby for a week' and left the room. We had actually said 3 days as we rather chickened out at saying we wanted five.. She came round later though and was perfectly nice again but it's left me feeling awful about asking for this. However, FIL phoned us later and said that it is our decision and it's our right to make it, so that helped. My own Mum's been really good about it, though Grandma and sister are still a bit
Who knows what will happen though.. we may end up having to stay in for a few days and be desperate for visitors in the hospital. Just trying to raise this as sensitively as possible and not hurt anyone's feelings.
Really appreciate hearing your stories.

Freshwater it is your decision to make, your FIL is right.

Introducing our babies to our respective parents on the days they were born has been one of the loveliest experiences of DH and my life, and I feel sad for you that you will miss out on that.

I think 3 days is perfectly reasonable. Years ago women were in hospital 7-10 days anyway so everyone wouldn't have been able to see the newborn.
3 days they still look 'new', just less red and wrinkly :)

Alibaba that sounds like a wonderful experience.

I really am looking forwards to meeting DS/DD and having those few precious days without worrying about the politics of divorce and the logistics of hosting so many visitors straight away.
I think that a few days without having to worry about my parents meeting in the first rush to see the baby and a few days to work out some kind of visiting schedule will be a blessing. I wish that our families were closer.. as mentioned, we get on with all of them, but they do not always get on with each other.
It is only fair to ask the same wait of the PILs, even though they themselves are not going to cause any drama.
I am sad that it has to be like this, though I hope that the joy of meeting their grandchild will be just as great after a few days. I feel much calmer thinking about this already.
Thank you for replying.

Have been following this one closely

I think some particular friends/family will be absolutely lovely to have around for short visits to be helpful, keep us sane and be generally supportive and lovely. Others may assume it's their right to see/cuddle the baby from day 1 when they should know better or just think a little bit and be considerate for a few days. Some will be annoyed at why friend x is 'allowed' over but you've asked others for a bit of time. sigh

I'm assuming I'm bound to upset someone by asking for a few days (and in the case of others a little longer) before I throw the door open to visitors. I expect sulky 'oh, fine' type reactions that WILL piss me off. And it will be annoying to get the 'it's your decision' type comments. It doesn't even need to be said. Of course it's our decision! I really get frustrated by that passive aggressive vibe, it's so unnecessary.

I can't wait to show our baby off and I honestly have no idea how I'll feel in the first few days but I suspect I will be frustrated to have people watch me 'learn' getting the ropes of bfeeding in the early days and giving me 'knowing or sympathetic looks'. (yes, I'm a control freak). At the same time, I can't wait to meet our baby, cuddle her, bond with her and spend a few wonderful, private days getting to know her with my partner in peace, dealing with extreme and inevitable emotions away from prying others and anyone prying her out of my arms for 'their turn' and potentially patronising/unhelpful/overbearing looks and comments.

Perhaps I'm overreacting but I'm sort of expecting the worst so that if it happens I'm prepared!. May just have to grit teeth and hang in there for those first few weeks!

Good luck with however you all handle your visitors!

It all depends on what your family are like and how locally they live. Will they make tea and bring cake/lunch and then bugger off? We don't have any family locally, a few friends popped in briefly for a cuppa and a quick hello which was fine.

Or will they do what my in-laws did and sit around your house for 5 hours while you "host", take photos of them with the baby (I am not in any of them!) and generally get in the way? That was on day 5 by the way, as agreed. They did bring lunch with them.

My dad lives in thailand and was all set to book tickets to fly over for my due date. We had a massive barney when I said that I wouldn't be up to overnight guests right away. In the end he came for 3 nights when dd was 3 weeks old. It was rubbish, he did nothing, didn't leave the room when the HV came and generally was a nuisance.

I'm pregnant again and really want to exclude all visitors this time round, but in reality we will need someone to look after dd1 while I am in labour. I really want to ask BIL and SIL as they are sympathetic and have already offered to come down and stay in a B&B and entertain ddd2 in the early stages of newborn madness if we need it. BUT, PILs would go insane with jealousy if we did that.

DP and I agreed we would not make any arrangements until baby arrived and we knew how we were coping. In the end I was induced which, although it took a long time, wasn't particularly traumatic. My mum was already at my house and MIL joined her there, it was the first time they'd met. Due to a miscommunication they arrived at the hospital while I was still in the delivery suite. I'll never forget them coming in, so excited and giggling like a pair of school girls with carrier bags full of mine and DPs favourite snacks! It was lovely.

Conversely, we came home Friday evening after 4 days in hospital and my sister, nephew and dad insisted on turning up at 11am the next day. The house was a tip, I'd been up all night with an unsettled newborn, had bad baby blues and just wanted to stay in bed and feed her. And they arrived 1.5 hours early! I felt and miserable, it was such a shame. If DSis had just left it until the afternoon it would have been ok, but apparently she and DN were on their way somewhere else and could only fit us in in the morning .

Do what feels right for you at the time

You never know, you might be on Cloud 9 and want to show the baby off to the World and His Wife

Good luck

Freshwater - people may surprise you, the divorced ones. MIL and FIL got divorced years ago, don't get on (unsurprisingly!) but they came together to meet DS1 while I was in hospital after my section. DH was amazed but it was actually a nice moment, and they didn't stay more than 30-40 minutes.

I really hope it all works out for you, but do resist running around after visitors when they come.

Tell them to bring food, point them at the kettle and let them cuddle the baby while you drink a hot cup of tea.
And don't retreat to feed, unless you really want to.

FreshwaterPlimpies your post really resonates with me!

I'm only approaching 12 weeks but am already concerned about the whole in-law thing. My family all live far away so they won't be a problem. Plus I can be as blunt & outspoken as I like with them about my wishes and they won't take offence

My in-laws, however, are another story altogether. They already enforce themselves on myself & DH and spend hours with us without having a newborn in the mix. Having read the wisdom of many a Mum on this thread, it's actually made me think twice about hospital visits - I was thinking no visitors in hospital but reading these threads, it's made me think actually it might be a good time to get visits over & done with so we can settle in in good time at home...

My only concern with hospitals is the fact they are so bloody hot!! When my SiL had her baby and we visited her, I was sweating like a fat bird in a chip shop, t'was hideous - and I wasn't the one under the bed covers!! How did others cope?

Isnt it awful, so many precious babies on the way and myself included, yet alot of women are obvioulsy so stressed about in laws! What is it about this breed of people!!!

I'm actually quite jealous of some of you!

We live way out in the sticks in Scotland, and have only been in the area about 3/4 months. Plus I don't drive. So I haven't really had a chance to make any friends locally. I have one friend nearby who I've known for about 4 years (she's bloody brilliant, I'd have her at the birth!).
My family live in Suffolk, and my OH's family live in Wales. Both my mum and his mum are planning to come up and stay around my due date, I really hope they're both here when the baby is born - I'd love my mum to be at the birth.

So although I'm glad that I won't have the world and his wife dropping in unexpectantly, I would like some visitors!!