How do I stop a birth bunfight?

[Getableedingrip]

I'm dreading giving birth, but not for the reasons you might expect. Due next week.

In short;

DM: lives a six hour drive away. Worried she will miss the birth and that MIL (one hour away) will get there first..Keeps telling me she MUST be there. She never asked if I wanted her there. (Not really but when I tried to say so, she put the guilts on turbo so I just gave in.) I told her I'd let her know when I went into labour and she could come down to us. She's already got a defensive attitude, and treats it like a competition.

MIL: will probably have to be physically restrained from delivery room.

How the fuck do I handle this? I really don't have the energy to devote to placating these two women now, I doubt I will have when I'm four centimetres.

I just wanted it to be DH and me but I feel like I've been hijacked. I know some people are isolated and don't have the support I do, so please don't think I'm ungrateful. But if they are squabbling before the baby is even here, I don't think I can deal with it.

I don't want to be difficult, precious or to burn bridges and upset people at this stage, but why can't people grow the fuck up in situations like this and put their own issues aside for a short while?

Get your MW onside. If you tell them that you only want DH in the delivery room with you, then she will make sure that happens.

What does your DH say about his mum's conduct? Has he told her to back off at all?

They both sound a bit of a nightmare, TBH!!!

Our parents are all 4 hours away so wouldn't have had the problem you have (wouldn't anyway as they wouldn't behave like that). However, I still had hang ups about not wanting people talking about me while inwasnin labour (weird!) and we just didn't tell them until baby was born. Mum had guessed, because we didn't answer our phones and I hadn't been in touch for 24 hours, but that was okay. So just don't tell them!

DH just finds his mum's enthusiasm amusing. But it's fine for him to say and he adores her.

If I block my DM from coming in, she will make sure I feel bad about that for the rest of my life.

(As an example; If I do something really fun, I never tell her because she get's jealous she's not involved. It sounds really twattish of me to say so, but I'm the centre of her world and sometimes it is exhausting having to consider her emotional state all the time.)

I also think you should never offer to be at the birth, you should wait to be asked..

You don't actually have to tell either your mother or your mother in law you are in labour. Lie tell them that its hospital policy for the woman to have one birthing partner and you have chosen your DH.

If they ask why you did not tell them you were in labour you lie and tell them that you didn't realise that they wanted to be phoned at 3am.

Personally I think the only people who should be at a delivery other than the midwife are the people who were there when the baby was concieved.

Congratulations and don't worry, things will work out.

chances are you'll only be allowed 2 birth partners so someone is going to have to wait outside.

or just don't tell them you are in labour. phone them afterwards and blame your hormones.

Just don't tell them when you go into labour. Say when it came down to it and you were in pain you just didn't want an audience.

They should certainly not demanding to be there! It's not a stage show. Can you explain to MIL about your mum then? I'd have thought most MILs would understand if a DM wanted to be her DD's birth partner. I didn't want mine, but if I had MIL wouldn't have expected to be their too. Also, you can't have 3 birth partners I don't think. Poor you. Hope it works out. Maybe you'll have one of those speedy labours and they'll all turn up to see you smiling sweetly with a baby in your arms.

What would the fallout be like if you said to your DM that there were only going to be two people in the delivery room, aside from the medical professionals?!

Is your DH supportive of your wish to not to have a family audience whilst giving birth? If he's not, you DEFINITELY need to talk to your MW. The last thing you want is him slipping away to call your MIL and for her to turn up when you are mid-contraction!!

Good luck with this, you shouldn't have to be thinking about this in the last few weeks of your pregnancy. Perhaps you could put it to your DH that way. If he loves you, why would he want to put you through that?!

Phone them both when it's all over!

You've said yourself that you want it to just be you and your husband. So that is what ought to happen. If they don't like it they'll have to get over it. Your wishes take priority in this situation and what you want is totally reasonable.

You do know the baby is going to come out of your fanjo right?(probably)

Why the dickins would your mil, or mother come to that, want tobe there when your baby is coming out? V

It's such a shame that they've said only one birth partner isn't it? I mean you're really upset. You'd got your heart set on them both being there, but them's the breaks.

Then place the phone down and have a cake.

Neither of them should be there. Seriously op, it's important you're not surrounded by unwelcome visitors when trying to give birth - you probably wouldn't even get to hold your baby once you've had it!

You're going to have to get dh on side and tell them firmly. Or else just don't call them and deal with the fallout later. Can't believe how selfish they are being.

Well I assume the OPs mother knows where babies come out of!
I expect the behaviour is about wanting to be "important" and not having a suitable sense of personal boundaries. I think she will be a potential "granzilla"

Visitors are not allowed on the delivery ward so that should sort out the MIL. In my local hospital the security system on L&D would prevent any unwanted guests - you are only allowed your birth partner(s). Your DH should tell her straight that there is no point in coming to the hospital until he tells her it is time to come and visit. If she chooses to come anyway she will be stuck in a corridor and not necessarily able to come and visit you as soon as the birth has happened either.

Write a birth plan which has, in big capital letters at the top, NO OTHER BIRTH PARTNERS EXCEPT MY HUSBAND, NO VISITORS TO BE ALLOWED INTO DELIVERY ROOM. Make the MW aware of this. Problem solved. if they sulk about it afterwards that's their problem not yours.

You really need to decide what's best for you during the birth process. To some extent you need to be able to relax and let your hormones and instinct take over, which you can't do if you're worrying about DM/MIL. The painkilling endorphins that help you cope with labour can only work if you can let them take over - you shouldn't have to worry about anything else!

My rule was that no one was allowed to know (apart from DH) until the MW confirmed I was in established labour, as if my labour was long I didn't want to have to keep updating people. As it was, I went to the MW unit a few hours after contractions started and I was 8.5cm, so parents got a call then and when DD was born a few hours later. I had a few complications which we didn't tell them about as it was 1am and my DM is a terrible worrier.

Could you tell them both that you've visited the delivery suite now and you're actually only permitted one birthing partner? Write on your birth plan that you only want DH present, leave it as late as you can to go in, and then only call once you're well on the way. Get your DH to say that visiting hours are from x to x tomorrow!

I just told parents that I needed my own space and they could visit the next day and they respected that. But maybe I'm just a big meanie!

Just don't tell them you are in labour and leave strict instructions with delivery ward that no-one apart from DH is to be allowed in. Then just lie and say it all happened so quickly that you didn't get a chance to phone.

Or just tell them both straight that it is not happening!

On a different note, I thought that I didn't want MIL at my birth (my own mum lives 4 hours away), but in the end my mum couldn't get there in time, DH was panicking slightly so DMIL calming influence was very welcome and she also saved my babies life by noticing her heart rate dropping when the midwives failed to. I couldn't have cared less who was looking at my fanjo when I was in advanced labour and actually preferred my MIL being there to the midwives who were awful.

They both sound really entitled.

It's your labour and birth. A very special time for you, your dh and your baby. Anew family. You will love the privacy and the momentousness if it all.

You simply do not tell anyone you are in labour. If your mil is so thick skinned and insensitive as to not take no for an answer, then she deserves nothing less. She is showing you zero respect. If she sulks you will have to be brave and say. "Well I did not want you there but you would not listen and respect my preferences. It was a private time for me, my husband and my baby." medical professionals have to be there.

Hope things aren't like this when your baby is here and your mil thinks bfing/weaning/routines should all be done her way and puts the guilts on you to try and make you feel you have to do it her way.

Stand up for yourself.

Can you prep the MW's and ask them to keep DM and MIL out. When all is done and baby has arrived make your apologies and tell them it was a decision the MW's made, not you. Bit mean but shift the blame if you're worried about a life long guilt trip :)

Stand your ground hun, you must have this your way otherwise you'll be even more stressed xx

OP I would not tell either of them until the baby has been born. Your Mum surely will be too excited to moan. Plus I always imagine feeling under pressure to perform (so to speak) if anyone knows you are in labour.

In all seriousness, people turning up for hours on end from almost the minute dd was born, handing her round, staring at me, running on, chitter chattering, expecting tea and snacks etc was the part of the reason I fell into a black pit of depression. I felt like a shit sideshow and so vulnerable. Armies of people turned up and grabbed the baby, flashed cameras at me, asked rude questions, sat on my sofa and asked what was for lunch. I'd had major surgery and was leaking various fluids into my too tight clothes and just about keeping a hold on reality.

Second time round I did it my way. Invitation only. I got to enjoy my 2nd baby, not be frightened of him because I took control.

Thank you all so, so much. This has convinced me that I need to HTFU and just be straight with everyone now. I'm too soft sometimes. And filled with self doubt most of the time...

In fact, once I've had a cup of tea and a shower, I'm going to get right on to it!

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you need to get your DH on side and you need to stamp this out now. I have seen far too many posts over the years from women whose mothers/mothers in law have hijacked their whole life. Who are fighting over who is right about how/when to feed the baby, how/when the baby should sleep, what is and isn't a problem, what is and isn't spoiling.

If this entitled behaviour continues there is a good chance it will spoil your and your DH's enjoyment of your newborn and your confidence as parents. Over time it could even drive a wedge between you.

Please, please talk seriously and carefully with your DH. Putting stuff in your birth plan and talking your midwife is good as a fall back, but you need to think long term too. This behaviour will not stop at the delivery room.

Some years ago I had a very difficult relationship with my MIL. What turned it around was DH stepping in. Once he'd made the boundaries a bit clearer, things improved massively and we actually get on ok now - and getting the message from her son (and he must present this as his decision, not a message he's passing on from you) makes it harder to ignore.

Sorry, cross post!

I can't even express how important it is for you to only have people you really really want at the birth! Otherwise whenever you remember it you'll have that horrible smarting of regret that it wasn't what you wanted at the most life changing (but lovely!) moment of your life.

You need to tell DH now that you only want him there, that it is not negotaible nor is his mother's enthusiasm funny or appreciated! He needs to have your back.

Same goes for your mother.
How can any mother make you feel guilty about something that is about you, DH and your little baby? I understand you're worried about upsetting her, but your priorities are different now.
Your baby (and getting them into the world safely) is now your priority, not your mum and her guilt tripping you. Don't worry about people pleasing! (Eaier to say than do I know).

But I think you need to set the standard before you go into labour TBH. Otherwise it could only be making a rod for your own back. And just don't call anyone to say you're in labour! We just called people after the birth.

Hope it goes well for you! :)

If you don't let them come I promise they won't hold it against you.

It is in your say so how much they get to see their GC so they won't risk pissing you off!