How do I stop a birth bunfight?

[Getableedingrip]

I'm dreading giving birth, but not for the reasons you might expect. Due next week.

In short;

DM: lives a six hour drive away. Worried she will miss the birth and that MIL (one hour away) will get there first..Keeps telling me she MUST be there. She never asked if I wanted her there. (Not really but when I tried to say so, she put the guilts on turbo so I just gave in.) I told her I'd let her know when I went into labour and she could come down to us. She's already got a defensive attitude, and treats it like a competition.

MIL: will probably have to be physically restrained from delivery room.

How the fuck do I handle this? I really don't have the energy to devote to placating these two women now, I doubt I will have when I'm four centimetres.

I just wanted it to be DH and me but I feel like I've been hijacked. I know some people are isolated and don't have the support I do, so please don't think I'm ungrateful. But if they are squabbling before the baby is even here, I don't think I can deal with it.

I don't want to be difficult, precious or to burn bridges and upset people at this stage, but why can't people grow the fuck up in situations like this and put their own issues aside for a short while?

Ring your mum and say: Mum, I know you want to be there but really honestly the only person I want in the room is DH, sorry.

Actually don't, she might turn up to stay next week instead. Just don't ring either parent until the deed is done.

Be firm. She will get over it.

I agree with all the people who have said just take DH and don't tell anyone you are in labour. Just call them when the baby is here.

I loved my MIL and DM visiting DD and I after I was cleaned up, had breastfed, had tonnes of baby cuddles, had a rest etc. During the event itself I loved the fact it was just DH and I and nothing to do with anyone else. Our relationship has changed after such a shared experience. I'd have hated anyone getting in the way of that.

It's your body and your baby so just take a breath and tell them. They will get over it when LO arrives.

Don't lie or soften it if/when she asks again, just be honest about how you feel. It really is up to her to deal with it how she wants. You won't change that so you might as well expect it and carry on regardless.

This is about YOU and DH and YOUR BABY. No-one else has any rights here.

I can understand your DM being upset and jealous at the thought that your MIL might be there and see the baby first. Maybe if you reassure her that this is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN (and get your DH to very clear and firm with his mum about this), then she'll relax about being there herself.

We didn't tell anyone I was in labour, just phoned when DS was born. I would have hated the knowledge that people were wondering how things were going while I was in labour

Dont have them there if u dont want them. Again u dont have to tell them when u go into labour. I actually had mil and my mum there as well as dh at dd's birth, but that was my decision and I was comfortable with that, understandably its not for everyone and I was lucky that it turned out well.

You have to do what is right for you.

Good luck with the birth.

Just don't tell them when you go into labour and make sure your DH doesn't tell them either.

If they make a fuss afterwards 1) it will be too late; and 2) you can say that as labour started you really felt that you just wanted DH there, sure you understand.

Tell noone you're in labour.

Afterwards lie through your teeth and tell them you had a precipitate labour and were pushing as you got to the hospital.

Poor you - accidentally "break" your mobile now - then forget dhs.

What a pair of selfish inconsiderate cows.

Don't tell them you've gone into labour. Later if they're decent they won't mention it and if they do say either you just wanted DH or that it all happened so quick.

Phone both dm and mil at least 4 times a week and tell them you're in labour. 45 minutes later, phone back and say "sorry, false alarm". If you can manage a few calls at 3am, so much the better. They'll be begging you not to call ...

Were your grandmas at your birth, btw?

Ha bertha! i like that idea .

I would imagine that sorting this out now will be best because it could get much worse afterwards with babysitting rights etc. You need those ground rules sorted!

Did you do it OP?

I know its hard, but just steam in there. Something like 'Mum, I love you to bits and I've been holding off saying this because I know you want to be at the birth. But the thing is, I want it to just be me and DH for the labour and birth. DH is going to explain to his mother too. I really want DC's arrival to be a joyous, exciting time, and you will get to spend loads of time with him as soon as he's here.'

If she does the passive aggressive thing, you need to hold firm- 'I love you mum, but I'm sorry this is about what's best for me, DH and the baby. We'll love having you around later and there's years together to enjoy'.

Or phrased a bit better....

Actually, on second thoughts, you are very pregnant and clearly worn down. Get your DH to ring up and say 'Bleeding can't call you herself because she's so scared to upset you, but I want to explain something...'

Just phone them both after it's all over and say it happened so quickly you hardly had time to get the hospital and certainly didn't have time to phone them, let alone for anyone else to get there. And then get your dh to instruct them not to upset you with any further talk about it or they can go home. With a bit of luck they'll be so excited to meet the baby they'll keep quiet.

I think I would just be completely honest with her and give it to her straight. Tell her that it's not that you don't want her there, but it's become such a competition between your DM and MIL that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's causing you stress that you don't need. You're only allowed two birth partners and if you choose her your MIL will be upset and vice versa so you only want your DH present.

If you put it across that way hopefully they will both be put in their place and realise that it's their own actions, not yours, that have bought about the situation.

how about, on the day, you/your OH text to say "we're at the hospital but it's really busy so they are only accepting one birth partner per mum"?

It would be better to be direct, of course but the above might work?

Or say, "I only want DP at the birth with me but it would be great if you could be at home so he doesn't have to go home to an empty house while I am still in the hospital" ..or something similar so she feels she's being useful while you are in labour.

Call her back say "look mum, I really need your help, you know what MIL is like, she's making my life hell! She says she has to be there if you are and the idea of her being there is making me so upset, I just can't stop crying. The only way I can see to avoid her being there is if you aren't either, so I'm going to just have DH there - I know, I know you want to support me, but could you imagine your MIL seeing your bits? I can't stand the thought, this is the only way." Whatever she says just say "I really need your help mum, she's my MIL, i can't just cut her out, but you know what she's like -was Gran like this with you? I'll get DH to call you first when they baby's out so you can get in the car if you want." (then on the day, get DH to say "there's not visitors until 9am tomorrow morning, I know Geta will want you there straight away")

Call your DH to call his mum, "Look mum, my MIL is being a nightmare...."

I wouldn't bother with that it sounds like too much pussyfooting around. Just say you will only be having the one birth partner. Lie about hospital regulations if necessary but say neither of them will be there and that's that. If they argue, repeat as necessary. you are an adult and don't need to justify your decision to either of them. Just say it isn't going to be happening. Then enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a birth without either of them there to piss you off.

Just don't let them know you are in labour. You could (hopefully not) be in labour for days - do you really want an audience waiting for you to "perform" for that long? Plus you will want some private time with your new little family and for you to get cleaned up/comfortable again before people intrude on the blisful little buble you will be in. I had ELCSs planned well in advance and still told no one until baby was safely here as did not need the added stress of expectant GPs etc.

Just have the birth you want - don't be pressured by them.

Who are these people?! Can't help wondering how they would feel if you, DH and DM/MIL rocked up to 'watch' an internal examination they were having or smear test or something. Ok, not quite the same - it's a gazillion times worse!!!

how unbelievable selfish of both of them, and other women as well who've been through the experience. They should be ashamed of their behaviour. Agree with everyone else, tell em to rack off or don't tell em anything until its over.

Startthefans has it right with the fact that this is not a public event, not tickets etc. You need to be clear to both your DM and MIL that they are not invited. I hope your DH is not going to sneakily call your MIL and tell her when you are in labour.

Sadly I can already see the bunfight between your DM and MIL to hold the baby once it is born, just from what you have described here.