How do I stop a birth bunfight?

[Getableedingrip]

I'm dreading giving birth, but not for the reasons you might expect. Due next week.

In short;

DM: lives a six hour drive away. Worried she will miss the birth and that MIL (one hour away) will get there first..Keeps telling me she MUST be there. She never asked if I wanted her there. (Not really but when I tried to say so, she put the guilts on turbo so I just gave in.) I told her I'd let her know when I went into labour and she could come down to us. She's already got a defensive attitude, and treats it like a competition.

MIL: will probably have to be physically restrained from delivery room.

How the fuck do I handle this? I really don't have the energy to devote to placating these two women now, I doubt I will have when I'm four centimetres.

I just wanted it to be DH and me but I feel like I've been hijacked. I know some people are isolated and don't have the support I do, so please don't think I'm ungrateful. But if they are squabbling before the baby is even here, I don't think I can deal with it.

I don't want to be difficult, precious or to burn bridges and upset people at this stage, but why can't people grow the fuck up in situations like this and put their own issues aside for a short while?

Seriously don't ring either if them until the baby is born and preferably several days old.
Until then let them speak to your voice mail.

Then toss a coin to choose which to ring and tell them that's what you have done.

It's absolutely up to you and your DH when you want visitors.
My parents and DSIS didn't meet DD1 or DD2 until they were a week or two old. No big deal was made of it they appeared when was next convenient to all of us.

DMIL lived 6 hrs away and doesn't drive so she met DD1 when she was about 3 months old and sadly she died while I was expecting DD2.

I had exactly the same thing when having dd2.

I rang my mum and asked her to baby sit as I had been let down by the planned babysitter (a lie) and we didn't tell mil.

It was extra hard as we live next door to them. We had to sneak out at 12pm.

If we had told either of our parents they would have turned up at the hospital to wait for the duration. Mil thought I couldn't possibly mind that.

Dp sent them both a text when dd was born. They soon got over it.

Your DH is the key here. What does he think?

If he agrees with you and will support you then you have no problem. Neither of them can possibly know you are in labour unless someone tells them. Make sure no-one does this.

You can call or text after the baby is born .

Stand up for what you want! xx

As a midwife, I say "this is your birth and you get to decide who is here". I say only have people you know will support and help you. Do not have anyone you feel you may have to look after ie needy mothers, tactless sisters, inexperienced friends who are their to meet their own needs not yours. This stress and distraction can seriously inhibit your labour and ability to cope with contractions.

Would your mother have wanted her mother to be there?

Sadly it might be too late for my favourite tactic for intrusive families, the fake late EDD.

Just show them this thread they will get to see the general consensus and hopefully realise they are being unreasonable!

As Mayhew says, stress can inhibit your labour. I had my mum and sisters calling me constantly and I'm sure it was partly why my labour went on for so long. Once we got to the labour ward and it was just us and a midwife who knew exactly how to behave (very calm, very quiet) everything kicked off. So that's something to think about.

If she's very me me me (and it sounds like she is) then you don't want her in the labour room. End of.

PS and had already decided that next time I am lying about the EDD. So I'm very glad to hear a midwife has said that's one of her recommended tricks.

Op, my mum can be like that but more subtle. I constantly feel guilty and also hide things from her (e.g. If we go to pils for a meal I wouldn't tell her). It's worse 2 dc on tbh, as there is even more jealousy and competitiveness about the children.

My technique now is to just ignore it. I never confront her, I just act as I would with anyone else; a friend or sibling for example. You are being manipulated. If she has a valid point she can jolly well say something. Otherwise, ignore silences, sulking, sad faces etc. She'll be forced to either actually say what the problem is, or bloody well quit it! Sympathies, it's shitty.

Thank you for all the excellent advice on here, and for those who shared their own experiences. It helped me realise that I wasn't being overly difficult.

I have sorted the situation. DM is coming after the birth and is happy with that. I went in with total honesty and explained how the situation was distressing me and that has been accepted. (Albeit reluctantly at first- but I didn't give in).

DMIL is also coming after the birth. (I keep thinking of messy afterbirth now..)

The only people allowed in the hospital is DH and obviously me.

I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel. (Not literally- sadly)

Although now I'm three days overdue so I'll probably have another moan about that sooner rather than later.

Thank you thank you thank you. Have some unmumsnet kisses as a token of my gratitude. xxx :o

PS Imnotanswering- I find it comforting that I'm not the only one!

Glad you got it all sorted. Hope the baby turns up soon.

So relieved you managed to get it sorted. I hope you can relax now and that your baby arrives soon. Do updates us on how things go in due course .