How do I stop a birth bunfight?

[Getableedingrip]

I'm dreading giving birth, but not for the reasons you might expect. Due next week.

In short;

DM: lives a six hour drive away. Worried she will miss the birth and that MIL (one hour away) will get there first..Keeps telling me she MUST be there. She never asked if I wanted her there. (Not really but when I tried to say so, she put the guilts on turbo so I just gave in.) I told her I'd let her know when I went into labour and she could come down to us. She's already got a defensive attitude, and treats it like a competition.

MIL: will probably have to be physically restrained from delivery room.

How the fuck do I handle this? I really don't have the energy to devote to placating these two women now, I doubt I will have when I'm four centimetres.

I just wanted it to be DH and me but I feel like I've been hijacked. I know some people are isolated and don't have the support I do, so please don't think I'm ungrateful. But if they are squabbling before the baby is even here, I don't think I can deal with it.

I don't want to be difficult, precious or to burn bridges and upset people at this stage, but why can't people grow the fuck up in situations like this and put their own issues aside for a short while?

x posts. Go on grip you can do it!

I know it is hard, but this is one time where it ok to forget other people's feelings and focus on your own.

However I will say that with ds1 I wanted it to just be me and DP for the birth. We did phone my Mum to let her know I'd gone into labour, and we kept her updated. I had a very long labour and during the night things started to go wrong. DP didn't want to leave me and so we didn't ring my DM anymore. After she hadn't heard from us for 8 hours she was very worried so came to the hospital to find out what was going on. The midwife told me she was here and asked if I wanted her to come in (I was just about to start pushing). I have never been so pleased to see my DM. I was scared, frightened and in a lot of pain and her being there really calmed me down. I was also glad she was there when Ds1 needed resusitating after birth.

Also DP and I were shattered after my 27 hour labour so whilst we dozed she looked after ds1 for the first few hours of his life.

So what I'm saying is go with what you want. Don't feel guilted by anyone else, but be open to the idea that you may change your mind.

Luckily I have a MIL who never thought she would be at the birth. I'm sure she would have been if I wanted her to, but she has her own dd so assumed my DM would be first visitor. MIL was the first "proper visitor" in the evening during visiting hours.

Ask them if they had their mothers/MILs with them when they were in labour. Like other posters have said, you probably wouldn't be allowed 3 birthing partners, so use that excuse if you must. Personally I'd say to each "I want it to be just DH and I in the room as its our baby". Better to be firm before the baby is born otherwise you might be inviting too much interference once he or she is born. Good luck!

Op - Thank goodness your last post said you would not be going along with this - the hairs on the back of my neck actually stood on end when I read your post!!!! I would rather jump off a cliff than have either my DM or MIL at the birth - I would be so tense the baby would have to find its own way out like a hatching bird as my contractions would grind to a halt from the tension!!!

This is definitely one situation where you have to put yourself first - not being comfortable can have dire consequences in a birth situation. What would be the point of a birth plan, with water birth, music or some such if it is all spoiled by having two people there you don't want!!??

The midwife will tell them to fuck off if necessary in no uncertain terms and ban them completely if they don't get a grip of themselves.

Personally I would phone them both when the baby is a week old and you've had time to recover.

Just do whats right for you! Its a sad day when a woman giving birth has to appease others! Really pisses me off that pregnant/birthing women seem to suddenly become public property and a source of great entertainment and a good day out, instead of being shown some dignity and respect in a life changing experience.

Dont tell them you are in labour and when you get to the hospital inform your Midwife (put it on your borth plan today) that you only want your DH there and certainly no mum or mil.

You can be firm afterwards at anyone who gets their knickers ina twist about this. You can be truthful or tell some white lies as to why you didnt contact them. TBH - I think someone would have to have their head shoved pretty far up their own arse to not accept someone just wants a private birth experience.

The bottom line is this is your birthing experience - you will resent your mum and mil for years to come if you feel you settle for "second best" and do what they want rather than what you want.

I think you need to be firm here - but whether you do it before or after is another decision. if after the event - be equally firm about how important it was for you to have the dignified private/intimate birth experience and do not be made to feel crap because of this!

Good luck btw - hope it all goes smoothly.

GoGoBananas .

I had the same with my first. I will never forget it either. It's a real shame.

Just after giving birth, while I was covered in blood and gunk and vomiting into a bowl I could hear my MIL outside arguing with the MW and saying
"Why won't someone just bring the baby out to me if saffron is not ready?"
Luckily they held her off but it made me feel even more vulnerable.

This is one time in your life when your emotional needs come first. Massively more important than their needs to be at the birth. If necessary get your MW to tell your DH that for your and the baby's health there is to be no-one else in the room. He can tell them both it's hospital policy. Please, please put some boundaries in place now so that you and your DH can enjoy this special time with support from others but not under their control.

Please try to stick to your guns and have the birth you want. I'm due to have number 3 next month and have just asked my mother not to visit until I'm home from hospital. Trouble is she is unlikely to listen. I made the same request last time and she rocked up at the hospital regardless and then sat there for hours while I wanted to sleep making bizarre comments like "well I'm not sure how I feel about you having a boy" (she has a marked preference for girls but really ought to keep it to herself). She then came home with us and in her own mind honestly seemed to believe her presence was helpful with comments like "why don't you hand me the baby while you make me another cup of tea" - answer "because I am breast feeding!". I risk incurring a lifetime of her wrath, but I'm toying with not actually letting her know the baby is born for a couple of days. Trouble is she feels she is entitled to be there. I am her only child and she feels a right to be involved in everything. Let's not even get onto the subject of my birthday which becomes an annual celebration of the day SHE gave birth, rather than anything to do with me.....

Oh I feel for you OP - I would hate this situation and am terrible at telling people what I want or don't want.

But I think you really need to be clear and straight with them both. Work out what you are going to say in the simplest possible terms - e.g. "I just want DP to be with me in labour." and just keep repeating that when they come back with guilt-trips/irrational logic/arguments - e.g:

MIL/DM: "But you will need a woman with you"
You: "I will have a midwife, and I only want DP to be there with me otherwise".
MIL/DM: "I am extrememly hurt by this"
You: "I'm sorry that you are hurt but it is important I have the birth experience I want and I only want DP to be there with me in labour. You will be welcome to see the baby x hours/days after is is born."
MIL/DM: "I can't believe you are rejecting me like this"
You: "I am not rejecting you and I appreciate your offer of support but I only want DP there to support me"
MIL/DM: "But why????"
You: "I have decided that the best birth for me will be one where only DP is there to support me. That is what I want".

Etc. etc. Repeat the basic phrase ad infinitum and stay calm and collected. They will get the message!

Tempting to lie and work out ways around it but much better that they understand what you want and get used to it in the long run.

And your DM can't 'make you feel bad' btw. She does what she does, you choose how to react - just keep reminding yourself you are completely right to choose what you want wrt this and how she feels is her business. You do NOT have to feel bad about it whatever she says or does.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Oh, yes to all the people saying ask your DP to step in. Once I made it clear to my partner what I wanted with DD's birth, he was my advocate. Perhaps your mothers are just unclear on what you want and are trying to show support? In any case, it's your situation to dictate and only you can decide. If you feel in control of this, hopefully it will help you to feel calm and in control during the birth.

Good luck OP!

OK, deep breath. I called DM and she actually initiated the 'labour logistics' conversation. I said she should prepare herself that she may actually miss it.

(I was going in easy)
I then said the last thing I want is a fuss.
Immediately, she responds with 'OH! So you don't want me there?'

I'm ashamed to say I didn't answer truthfully. I said 'No, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that you might not get here in time and you need to get that into your head.'

She went very quiet and sulky. Then spoke about how she'd head straight for the hospital and how she had to be there 'before MIL' and 'didn't want to be left out of things'. :(

I said I didn't need this at the moment and I didn't want a fight or for her to create bad feeling between PILs and her. I feel as if I've created this situation a bit because I did moan to DM about slightly crazed MIL a few times. On reflection, I should have kept my mouth shut.

My DM is so, so needy that I sometimes find it hard to enjoy any happiness because she is in the background, with a sad face on. This is just another thing she's latching on to.

I make a rod for my own back, I know. But I can't bear to hurt her feelings.

You'd think I was about to give birth to the Messiah.

Did you tell her MIL wasn't invited to the actual birth either?

You need to JUST SAY NO. Tell her you don't want her to be there. She'll get over it. If you haven't got the guts to do it, get your husband to do it for you. But make it quite clear that she isn't going to be there.

Once you've done that it will be a big weight off your mind.

I told her MIL isn't invited but she seems to think they will be there somewhere.

I know, I'm fucking useless. :(

Also it sounds as if she would be a nightmare to have at the birth. Stressing about her is the last thing you need.

If you really can't face simply saying no to them (and I understand why) then tell them both that due to infection control rules you are only allowed 1 birth partner now.

I volunteer at a maternity unit giving tours, I've had this question quite a few times, the MWs are more than happy to back you up.

How about unless you have to, not telling them when you are in labour?

Right, I'm going to sort this once and for all before my BP goes up.

Gulp.

I don't know about your maternity unit, but there is nowhere for extra people to wait and they are sent home at ours.

I don't know about your maternity unit, but there is nowhere for extra people to wait and they are sent home at ours.

Well, I would ask them both why the birth of my child was all about them, especially your mum, but that's me.

You are enabling your mum to treat you like this. Just shut her down and refuse to engage when she's selfish, miserable or makes things all about her. She'll learn soon enough that she needs to adjust her attitude if she want to see you and her grandchild.

Easier said than done, but it will get easier with practice.

Don't worry about hurting her feelings, you are not responsible for her happiness. Who knows, once she lets go of all these negative attitudes she might be a happier person, so you'd be doing both of you a favour.

I doubt you're really hurting her anyway, she just knows how to wrap you around her little finger and uses guilt to get what she wants. Don't play her game.

You are not useless, sounds like you are trying to think of others feelings, which is a nice thing to do.

But your mother sounds like she is too involved in this - the stuff you say about keeping things from her due to her sad face is heartbreaking. It is your life and giving birth is not a small thing. It is not a family day out. You need to put yourself first for your baby's sake.

You may find it mentally hard to come to terms with being a mother, if you have a difficult relationship with your own mother (been there myself and out the other side ). Hopefully not but look after yourself.

Seriously you don't have to tell them you've gone into labour, I didn't tell my DM. I told her after the baby was born, she was fine with that.

DMIL on the other hand, berated me and DH that we didn't keep her updated with texts about the state of my cervix.