best bit of advice for a very soon to be first time mum!

[Nursee007]

Hello lovely ladies...
I'm due in 2 weeks and am a first time mum, though have a lot of experience with babies and children in a professional manner as am a paediatric nurse. Whilst the actual 'looking after' bit of the baby doesn;t worry me, as I can bathe, swaddle, change nappies etc with my eyes closed, the idea of being responsible for this tiny life and how to cope with the first few hours/days/weeks is slowly but surely beginning to terrify me. I've had severe SPD since week 21 and am on crutches, so mobility post birth is also a worry but thats by the by.
Anyhoo, was wondering if those of you who are already mummies would be kind enough to share the best snippets of wisdom you were given when you became mums for the first time.....any support, serious or otherwise, much appreciated :) thankyou :)

No to slings here. Have very dodgy back/pelvis. All slings hurt my back, as did bending and carrying baby. Most of the time if I held DD I would do it sitting down and would stroke her when she was lying down. My body could not have coped with a constantly growing baby that had to be carried to be soothed.
Also taking baby out of car seat to carry is less sore for the back.
And there are painkillers you can take while BF.

DD3 is 9 weeks old...they are all hugely different, listening to what they are trying to tell you will stand you in better stead than any actual advice/books.

If you can't work out what they want try everything in order. If it still isn't working, it is probably something you can't help with (like a headache!) so just try to comfort them and don't beat yourself up about it!

Trust your gut instinct, you will 'know' your baby a lot quicker than you think.
Accept offers of help but don't feel obliged to say yes to everyone.
Don't worry about what others think about your choices - do whatever feels right for you and the baby.

Your newborn is important, but so are you - make sure you ask for help, no one ever says no.
No phase lasts forever, it just might feel like it at the time.
Enjoy it - there is no doubt it is hard work but the rewards are amazing

You have to get to know your baby - 2 months in it will be very different from Day 1, as you will just have had time to get to know your baby and what they want/need!

There is a big difference between a newborn and a three month old. It gets much better, they get much cuter and more predictable, more communicative and expressive. Remember this when you are two weeks in, struggling with feeding maybe, tired and emotional. It's not going to be like this forever!

You are going to have a moment, a few days after birth, when you really feel like you can't go on (with me it was trying to go to the loo for the first time after a third degree tear, with toddler DD moaning and baby DS crying, all at the same time). I sobbed and sobbed to DH who, now being an old hand, made me some tea and patted my head.

You had a hard pregnancy. This is good in a way, as the harder the pregnancy the easier the newborn phase - all those ladies who sailed through pregnancy are about to get the shock of their lives. You have suffered already though and are used to it!!!

Breastfeeding, if you do it, is probably going to be hard for the first two or three weeks. I was lucky with my two - feeding went well, they gained weight as they should have etc etc. It was still painful when they first latched on and hard work at first. If you do bf, stick with it if you can. Once you are through the initial period it is great and so convenient.

It's trial and error. If baby cries - just try everything. Is he hungry? Is he too hot/cold? Has he got a dirty nappy? Is he lonely? does he want a cuddle? Is he overtired and overstimulated? Does he just want a quiet feed in a dark room to doze off? Is he bored? Try moving to another room/chair?

In terms of the responsibility, the huge transition from non-parent to parent is something you just have to go through. Basically you are moving from a state where you are the agent of your own self directed, life, pretty much only responsible for yourself. Once you have a child, you move to always thinking about someone else before yourself, being responsible 24/7, always coming second to their needs. Its a huge change.

My second child, DS, is now3 months old. The days I have just him are a doddle - I wonder what I did with just DD! But the answer is your first baby takes up all your time because you are constantly preoccupied and getting used to parenthood for the first time - which you don't have to do second time around (there are other challenges but that is another story!).

Its a wonderful journey - if you feel daunted remember that even in the darkest hours of parenthood (there will be some!) no-one would change things for the world as there is nothing quite like your own little child!

Oh, and another one - you can't "create bad habits" in a tiny baby. Yes, letting a 2 year old into your bed every night may be storing up sleep problems. Not so with a small baby. Keep them close and do whatever works to keep them happy and comfortable. You can't force a small baby to be more independent than it is ready for, unless at great emotional cost to yourself and baby.

Don't buy all the stuff you end up thinking you will need - you won't & you don't.

Give yourself over to the experience especially the first few weeks - DD1 was a winter baby and we were in a basement flat. I just loved the timelessness of the darkness outside - hours became irrerelevent esp those first few weeks.

There will probably be times you get really tired - allow yourself to be helped.

Go with the flow - everything else can wait really.

If BF have a selection of good healthy snacks to hand and a thermos flask to keep filled with your fav herbal tipple.

Enjoy

At some point in the first few weeks (maybe a couple of times) you will think "WTF have I done?!? I don't want this. I've made a mistake." This is normal. And does not make you a terrible person who does not love her baby.

forget the housework and enjoy your new baby! best piece of advice I can give. :)

Unless you are a particularly blessed, you will stumble and falter at some or all of parenting stuff - breast feeding, baby sleeping, colic, weaning, child care etc. You will second guess yourself a lot and may be overwhelmed with waves of guilt and inadequacy.

But you will live and learn. And you will in time get to a stage where you will learn to trust your instincts and do what is best for your circumstances.

Read up articles and parenting information on mumsnet, kellymom etc. so that you can make informed choices. Your HV, mum, SIL, MIL will all give helpful advice but you don't have to agree to everything they say.

Accept that you will make mistakes sometimes, but that is only because there is no such thing as a perfect mum.

And as long as you love your child dearly and strive to do the best you can for him or her, you will be the best mum your child can ever have.

Its really bloody hard. if you are finding it hard in the first couple of days/ weeks/ months (years!) its not beacause you're doing it wrong its normal.

Accept every second hand thing you're offered, apart from critical safety equipment, and even then take it if it's come from a known source eg. a family member. A car seat for both parents' cars is a godsend. The cost of children increases exponentially as they grow, and it will be annoying in 15 years when you realise that you spent the price of a dozen driving lessons on a buggy that would have cost a tenth of the money in the NCT sale.

Do not make tea for anyone. Don't panic if you don't get dressed properly one day, or even two in a row. Try to find time to clean your teeth though .

The best piece of advice I was given when I had my PFB - now 8 months old - is that everything is just a phase. sadly even the good bits :)

It has got me through the rollercoaster of the past 8 months. I also found it helpful to think that all the shit that comes with a newborn must be worth it because people go on to have more...so it must be really quickly forgotten. It helped me just get on with it!

Also, take everything one day at a time, so much can change in 24 hours.

Ignore the housework, eat ready meals, accept help as soon as it is offered and don't be afraid to ask if it's not. It goes so quickly...try to enjoy it even when you don't think there's anything to enjoy. Oh and instinct is a powerful thing, don't overlook it!

Good luck!

If you're breastfeeding know the symptoms of mastitis and get yourself straight around to the doctors for some anti-biotics as soon as you spot them.

Sorry I'm a bit obsessed by this at the moment as I keep on bloody getting it

Oh and the other thing, wrt BFing... if you're not chilled the baby won't be chilled and it just won't work.

In the early days when we had guests (and sometimes even when we didn't), DH would prep the spare room, close the curtains, dim the lights and put some nice music on so I had a little haven to BF in. It really worked, especially on days where I felt tense or tired or resentful.

My (very cold filled) DD will be 5 weeks on Sunday, and the best bit of advice I can give you is throw away all your books, and all your expectations!

Stock up on all your favourite foods, get a huge stockpile of dvd's you've always wanted to watch, accept that you are going to make friends with hours in the night you never thought existed and always always always ask for help.

The first little smile you get from your LO is reward enough for the hard work!

PS When people respond to your unspeakable exhaustion with "This too shall bloody pass" be ready to reply with a fixed smile rather than "Yes I know it bloody well will. Obviously he's not going to be still waking up every hour when he's twenty-two".

Haven't read this all, but my advice is that breastfeeding is really very difficult for some people. If you are struggling with it, or even have any concerns at all, do not be afraid to ask for help. If it is important to you to breastfeed then the early days are so important to set you up for the future. Please look up numbers for La Leche League, NCT breastfeeding, your local hospital BF counsellors, whoever and don't be afraid to get a second opinion.

mine came from the doctor who only agreed to discharge me if i agreed:

for a few days at least
do nothing except lie/sit in bed with snacks and tv remote control by your side.
concentrate on nothing except that and the baby. (and only with feeding - your DH can do all the changing, and all the snack and drink getting)

from my own advice:
Drink drink drink drink drink.
have a jug of water by your bed and just constantly drink from it.
it will keep you bright, and it will make going to the toilet soooo easy

Also, a good day is a day when you and baby both get through it in one piece. It is a VERY good day if you both manage to get washed and dressed. And if you manage to leave the house it's a bloody miracle.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I found if I thought like this I was pleased when I achieved anything.

oh, yes, following on from advice 1 - have your mobile phone with you by the bed, and have DH keep his on him.
If you need anything, text or ring him.
do not move unless you are going for a wee! (and have him help you get there and back - it will be a struggle to walk in the first few days)

what Jolly says, obviously only counts from at least day 5.
when you've finally managed to move.

I went downstairs for the first time on day 5, and I could only stay there for about an hour. I said "oh, i feel so much more human" and then went back to bed.
Now i think about what feeling human felt like, it was better every day, but nowhere near what human actually feels like.

Before you settle to bf - get the phone, a drink, the remote and a magazine to hand! Equally if you dont want to bf or dnt get on with it - stop and dont feel guilty - a happy mum is the best for baby and you (some people will be shaking their heads reading this I am sure!) When you are worried or fed up with something remember it will pass - I worried sick about eating/lacking of pooing allsorts/sicking up all the time etc and it was soon a distant memory although I thought at the time it would go on forever. Also, I totally agree with whoever said it above - you cant spoil a newborn - they dont manipulate or get into bad habits - if they want a cuddle, give them a cuddle! Equally when they are older - a good few months - when they cry think "if they could talk what are they saying" - then you know if it is "I am hungry" - you can act and if it is "give me attention this minute, you are making me mad folding the washing!" - you can ignore then and they will be none the worse for it!

Having said all this, my mum constantly tells me I read too much about it all and get myself worked up and should throw the books away and relax - that might well be the best advice I can give!
Good luck and enjoy it!

Your job is to feed the baby and convalesce, it is other people's job to do any cooking / cleaning etc, look after visitors, bring you food and drink.
If you are planning to bf and like to read, get a kindle as much lighter and easier to handle than a book.

Sleep as often as you can (learning to bf lying down is great for getting more sleep).
Agree with advice above re staying in pjs (if you want to that is).
Enjoy, being a mum is great x

On a practical note, I second getting out as often as you can once up to it. It really is a mood lifter and can feel like a bit of break if all you feel you're doing is sitting on the couch feeding/settling baby. Along these lines, I would recommend getting a love film subscription as it'll give you something different to watch on tv and an incentive to go out as the DVDs need posting back before you get new ones.

Contradictory as it may sound to my first point, online grocery shopping if your friend. You can do with baby on your lap and it means even if you're having a bad day, at least you'll have food in and it's one less thing to worry about.

Steel yourself for the growth spurt at six weeks, it tends to turn up just as you hit you're stride and can really knock your confidence if you don't know it's coming. With DS2 I was prepared for it and just kept thinking ' this is normal, this is short term, it will pass' and handled it better than I did with DS1

I'd keep a small supply of medicine syringes, saline drops and calpol in the house. IME these are the items you find you need at 3am in the morning when the shops are shut.

Spell out to your OH what you need him to do. That way you'll get the most effective help for you.

Above all else, enjoy it :), a big, gummy, baby smile is just the best and before you know it they'll be off to school (can't believe where the time's gone with ds1)

Enjoy every moment as it passes by so quickly. Also buy loads more newborn nappies than you think you will use. When I had my first baby I bought one pack of nappies thinking that this would last a week. Ha ha, they lasted a day! Lived in middle of nowhere at the time!!! Funny memories...! Good luck.xxx