Partner wont let me choose how I give birth

[eralch]

Just want to have a moan really.
Went to see my consultant this week and due to a severe needle phobia I have refused all pain killers, so she suggested hydrotherapy or water birth.

I quite liked the idea since a bath has always helped my back ache.
Upon asking my partner what he thought of it he immediatly jumped on the internt and looked up every BAD thing about water birth.
Focusing on "pooing in the water" I was then TOLD by him, I am having the baby on a bed, with only gas and air and if there were complications I would be having a c section.
I jumped straight back and said Its my body the baby is coming out of I want a water birth so deal with it.
He replied with, I wont be able to be in there with you with you pooing in the water.
I told him fine my mum would be my birth partner.
A huge arguement ensued, I walked out and ended up at my mums, 45 mins away.

All the way through my pregnancy I have kept my mouth shut and gone along with all the things he has said and now im standing up for myself he doesnt like it.
I am undergoing councilling, CBT, under a phyciatrist, on anti depressants and signed off work. This is all for my low selfestime and confidence issues.
I was doing really well until he started telling me how to have the baby.
He says he wants us to go through it together but he doesnt seem to understand that its me and my body that have to go through everything.
As im signed off, he wont even let me out while he is at work so no chance of getting my body in shape ready for labour, and thats another thing! Once the baby is born I have to go back down from a size 18 to a size 10 again ASAP!!!!
Sorry for a the rant but I needed to get it out.

Any advice on my predicament would be helpful. Also your expierances during labour would be great as this is my first time, due in March.

Unfortunately it may be that she just came onto have a moan ,thinking it was normal, and now has too much to handle.I hope she comes back.

He is awful - I agree with all the others. He is also perpetuating your low self-esteem and depression an I imagine it suits him for you to have low self-esteem so he may be doing it on purpose. It sounds like a toxic environment for a child.

I hope she comes back too. I really hated reading that she doesn't go out because she doesn't want to upset him by using his petrol, let alone the stuff about how she is allowed to give birth!

If you are still there OP, please listen to what has been said, this is not normal and you deserve better.

It's easy for everybody to say "leave him" but I realise that it may not be that simple for you. You'll probably be worried about his reaction, whether you can stay with your mum longer term, what you'll do for money and how you can raise a child alone. And you're probably thinking that baby will need a father.

But there is help out there if you want it. As suggested Women's Aid, or National Centre for Domestic Violence, or you could talk to your midwife or GP in confidence about your concerns.

I honestly don't think he will change - people who behave like that rarely do - and I agree with everybody else that what you're describing is a form of abuse. I would really urge you to get some help and support NOW. It'll be even harder to stand up for yourself when you're tired with a small baby.

I hope you do the best thing for you and your baby's future happiness. We're all here if you need us...

I do hope that we haven't frightened you off-I agree with girlynut.

'Im only allowed to see my mum when she pays for the petrol, even tho she pays our gas bill and sends money to buy food.'

You are an adult... You decide. The 'allowed' in this sentence speaks volumes to me. I would not want to be raising a baby in this sort of environment. Speak to your midwife (on your own) and ask for her support to get this man out of your life.

Rule number one in a relationship is that the word 'allowed' doesn't come into it-your DP isn't in a position to 'allow' or 'not allow' anything.
I do hope that OP isn't frightened off.

This is terrible and really upsetting to read. I was in a similar relationship with a previous partner and whilst in it I couldn't see how bad it was. I used to say similar things too like - 'he loves me', 'he's really kind, etc - but the ladies are right, he's abusing you. He knows how to control you mentally and it's working. You should never ever be scared of your partner and the moment you are it spells you're not in a healthy relationship.

I'm really worried about you, you definitely need some help and support. Also, does he know that you might poo in or out of water? It's what happens to some women during the pushing stage.

xx

OP its horrible growing up with an abusive Dad. If you dont leave for you then get out for your precious child.

God if I ever knew a man like this IRL I think Id arrange to have the shit kicked out of him.

Women Aid: PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Here's how to cover your tracks online, if you want to look at their website first:
womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=00010001000800010001

OP, I hope you get the strength to call them.

You are being abused. You need to get out of there and stay away or you and your baby could end up dead. Being with someone like this is DANGEROUS.

Eralch.... know this post is a few months old but how are things now? U say ur not due til March, and just wondered if things had changed or whether u left him? No one deserves to be treated like u have by him! If u are still with him, and if u see this, I just wanted to point out that if he is controlling u like that.... how do u think he is gonna be with ur kid? Do u want ur future child to grow up seeing its father abuse its mother and think this is ok and normal? Do u want to take the chance that he gets jealous when the child takes up most of ur time? Hope u have a happy ending xxx

I've often thought about this OP too, please come back and let us know how you are? Xx

Err he can't stop you.

OP has posted recently on a new thread saying her P was now demanding that baby be called a certain name and was rubbishing any suggestions she put forward, I got the impression she was back at home with him. I think she said he had told her he was registering the baby to make sure it got that first name, however as they're not married he'll have a job to do it without her there or her permission to do so.

most hospitals advise water births as pain relief.

you might still poo if you're on a bed.

your H is a twat and you'll be better off staying at your mum's.
you have said enough to convince anyone that your H is abusing you.
:(

i'll look at the new thread- sorry, i only read the OP's posts and didn't notice it was asking for updates. :(

He sounds like the one who needs therapy.

I can't find the new thread

Dee03 If you go to Advanced Search and search by poster, you can see all posts a particular person has put up :)

OMG she shouldn't be letting him dictate all that to her!!!! That's awful !!! He sounds like a right c u next Tuesday!

OMG he sounds horrific!!
I think everyone has pretty much said all that needs to be said - don't let him ruin your and your child's lives.

The only thing I wanted to question was his pooing logic - he does realise that if you give birth on a bed then you will just poo on the bed rather than in the pool? It's not like being on a bed will stop you pooing! Either way, feel free to fling it at him if he is horrible to you.

Thanks Fliss