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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Partner wont let me choose how I give birth

124 replies

eralch · 03/12/2011 19:44

Just want to have a moan really.
Went to see my consultant this week and due to a severe needle phobia I have refused all pain killers, so she suggested hydrotherapy or water birth.

I quite liked the idea since a bath has always helped my back ache.
Upon asking my partner what he thought of it he immediatly jumped on the internt and looked up every BAD thing about water birth.
Focusing on "pooing in the water" I was then TOLD by him, I am having the baby on a bed, with only gas and air and if there were complications I would be having a c section.
I jumped straight back and said Its my body the baby is coming out of I want a water birth so deal with it.
He replied with, I wont be able to be in there with you with you pooing in the water.
I told him fine my mum would be my birth partner.
A huge arguement ensued, I walked out and ended up at my mums, 45 mins away.

All the way through my pregnancy I have kept my mouth shut and gone along with all the things he has said and now im standing up for myself he doesnt like it.
I am undergoing councilling, CBT, under a phyciatrist, on anti depressants and signed off work. This is all for my low selfestime and confidence issues.
I was doing really well until he started telling me how to have the baby.
He says he wants us to go through it together but he doesnt seem to understand that its me and my body that have to go through everything.
As im signed off, he wont even let me out while he is at work so no chance of getting my body in shape ready for labour, and thats another thing! Once the baby is born I have to go back down from a size 18 to a size 10 again ASAP!!!!
Sorry for a the rant but I needed to get it out.

Any advice on my predicament would be helpful. Also your expierances during labour would be great as this is my first time, due in March.

OP posts:

thedevilisinthedetail · 03/12/2011 20:00

X post with loads as had to answer phone...I have a friend who says 90% of time dp is lovely...that is only because that time she is really treading on egg shells very quietly and doing EXACTLY what he wants...is that what lovely means here? Please stay with your mum!

MrsWembley · 03/12/2011 20:00

I'm sorry, I don't normally add to the 'leave him!' thread but every now and again my jaw drops and I have to add my two pence and this is one of those times.

He won't let you out! FFS that is not normal. Stay at your mum's and make sure she is there when you next speak to him. Your body, your life, your rules. Compromise is one thing but you are letting him have control over everything and that is wrong.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/12/2011 20:00

If ever there was a time to join the "leave him" brigade- now would be it.

jchocchip · 03/12/2011 20:00

What reality said.

Water births are really great for pain relief ime. I enjoyed giving birth in water.

What does he think happens if you are on a bed? shit happens, its dealt with, no big deal.

Is your Mum happy to be your birth partner? Some areas have doula schemes. I hope you get the good birth you deserve. Some men are just best left pacing outside.

tralalala · 03/12/2011 20:01

erlach - I take it he is the army, the welfare people should be able to give you advice, if not Women's Aid will.

Elena67 · 03/12/2011 20:01

This is domestic abuse.

thenightsky · 03/12/2011 20:02

jeez... it gets worse

LaurieFairyCake · 03/12/2011 20:02

You ARE locked in because you're SCARED of him.

The door doesn't have to be locked to be locked in.

deemented · 03/12/2011 20:02

Seriously? Get gone.

You're at your mums, so stay there.

Dn't go back to him, and sure ashell don't let him dictate how you give birth.

The mans an abusing little bully. Do you want him to treat your child like he treats you? Because he will if you go back.

mumatron · 03/12/2011 20:02

I suggest you read your own OP and open your eyes.

This man (term used very loosely here) is not lovely 90% of the time. he is abusing you.

first of all, forcing you to have the kind of labour you don't want is quite dangerous imho. The more uptight and anxious you are during labour the more prone to issues arising in labour you may be (thats not medical fact btw, just imo) you will be anxious if you are forced to lie on a bed for the duration.

secondly, you are a prisoner in your own home. Does that sound like the actions of a lovely man?

I really suggest you stay at your mums.

Dee03 · 03/12/2011 20:05

U need to leave him....he will never change and your life will be hell. When your baby arrives does he expect you to both stay in the house 24/7...because that is just unhealthy for the pair of you.....my heart goes out to you but you must put yourself and your baby first.....good luck xx

RitaMorgan · 03/12/2011 20:05

PLEASE stay with your mum at least until after you've had the baby! You need love, support and to be safe right now.

Have your waterbirth with your mum as your birth partner. Concentrate on yourself and the baby for the time being.

MayaAngelCool · 03/12/2011 20:06

Why are you scared to go against him wrt using the car? What do you think he would do? And in what other areas of your relationship are you scared of his response?

Sariah · 03/12/2011 20:07

I had a couple of births with gas and air and I managed to poo on both of them.....

SantasNutellaFairy · 03/12/2011 20:08

He is an abuser.

What would you be saying if another poster posted exactly what you posted?

winnybella · 03/12/2011 20:11

Jesus. Stay at your mum, don't go back to him.
He's a controlling abusive wanker. Of course there are times when he's nice, otherwise you woudn't stay with him, so he has to be so that he can still control you.

You are not having a moan. You are being abused. Don't go back.

Northernlurker · 03/12/2011 20:12

You're scared of him, he attacks your self worth, he wishes to dictate how you undergo childbirth, he complains about your physical appearence, he resents that you are signed off - my advice on your predicament? Get out and never, ever go back.

winnybella · 03/12/2011 20:13

And yes, it is YOUR body, so YOU will decide how you'll give birth. Obviously. Tell him to fuck off.

Yama · 03/12/2011 20:14

Eralch - please listen to everyone.

You will notice that every single poster is saying the same thing.

It is just not possible that this is not abuse.

thenightsky · 03/12/2011 20:14

So what is the worst that could happen if you drive the car and use petrol?

Just do it... go out for a drive to the coast, just because you can.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 03/12/2011 20:18

Well if you don't poo in the water you will poo on the bed. EVERYONE poos when they give birth, some people just don't realise it!

Anyway that's beside the point- he's an arsehole, stay at your mum's. Please?

My mum stayed in a very controlling relationship that eventually spiralled into domestic violence and it was not a nice way to grow up. Don't do it to your child.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 03/12/2011 20:18

Well if you don't poo in the water you will poo on the bed. EVERYONE poos when they give birth, some people just don't realise it!

Anyway that's beside the point- he's an arsehole, stay at your mum's. Please?

My mum stayed in a very controlling relationship that eventually spiralled into domestic violence and it was not a nice way to grow up. Don't do it to your child.

TheSkiingGardener · 03/12/2011 20:21

Walk away. He is abusing you. He has found someone who, at the moment, is under his control, that's how he gets his kicks. He will not change.

Give women's aid a call

Snorbs · 03/12/2011 20:30

He knows if he doesnt change he will lose me and little 1

With respect, he either doesn't believe that you'll leave, or he doesn't care. Because if he did he wouldn't be treating you like this.

How long are you willing to wait until you decide he isn't going to change?

Camerondiazepam · 03/12/2011 20:44

Sweetheart I mean this in the nicest possible way because I am at what I have read here but...

What's normal for you is NOT NORMAL for most women.

Just because your previous partner was a massive enormous shit and this one isn't quite as bad ... well, he's still not great is he?

What makes you think he will change? Do you want your DC brought into this "normal"?

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