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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Partner wont let me choose how I give birth

124 replies

eralch · 03/12/2011 19:44

Just want to have a moan really.
Went to see my consultant this week and due to a severe needle phobia I have refused all pain killers, so she suggested hydrotherapy or water birth.

I quite liked the idea since a bath has always helped my back ache.
Upon asking my partner what he thought of it he immediatly jumped on the internt and looked up every BAD thing about water birth.
Focusing on "pooing in the water" I was then TOLD by him, I am having the baby on a bed, with only gas and air and if there were complications I would be having a c section.
I jumped straight back and said Its my body the baby is coming out of I want a water birth so deal with it.
He replied with, I wont be able to be in there with you with you pooing in the water.
I told him fine my mum would be my birth partner.
A huge arguement ensued, I walked out and ended up at my mums, 45 mins away.

All the way through my pregnancy I have kept my mouth shut and gone along with all the things he has said and now im standing up for myself he doesnt like it.
I am undergoing councilling, CBT, under a phyciatrist, on anti depressants and signed off work. This is all for my low selfestime and confidence issues.
I was doing really well until he started telling me how to have the baby.
He says he wants us to go through it together but he doesnt seem to understand that its me and my body that have to go through everything.
As im signed off, he wont even let me out while he is at work so no chance of getting my body in shape ready for labour, and thats another thing! Once the baby is born I have to go back down from a size 18 to a size 10 again ASAP!!!!
Sorry for a the rant but I needed to get it out.

Any advice on my predicament would be helpful. Also your expierances during labour would be great as this is my first time, due in March.

OP posts:

Beachcomber · 04/12/2011 10:20

Stay at your mum's and call Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247.

Is your mum helpful and understanding? If not go to a friend's.

You need professional help with this situation - Women's Aid are the people to do that. Phone them and tell them everything you have told us.

MN is also a fantastic resource, there are lots of women here who have been in abusive relationships. You may want to start a thread in the Relationships section. Good luck - don't put up with this, you deserve better.

hiccymapops · 04/12/2011 10:23

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I've never said this on here, but I wholeheartedly hope you find the strength to leave him as soon as possible. He's an abusive control freak, and that will never change. If one of your friends was being treated lie this, you'd see it for what it is.

Like everyone else has said, he's not okay 90% of the time, he just seems it because you're doing as your told.

It's awful anytime, but it must be worse for you with being pregnant. If you can't leave for you, do it for your child. You don't want your baby to grow up in this environment and think its normal.

Try to stay strong, if you're not with him I'm sure you're self esteem will come back, and you'll realise you're much stronger without him.

Hope you're okay.

hiccymapops · 04/12/2011 10:25

Sooo many typos there sorry

fuzzywuzzy · 04/12/2011 10:28

OP, just a point your partners suggestion that you should birth in a bed or have a caesarian if things don't go to his plan, will mean needles galore you realise that right?

Do your friends & family know about this?

Jolyonsmummy · 04/12/2011 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbierhodes · 04/12/2011 10:47

OP, I'm going to be harsh here. I'm sure you're doing all sorts of things to prepare for your baby's arrival...buying clothes, sorting nursery, reading baby books etc. All of this with the intention of becoming a good mum.
Well let me tell you, none of it will count for shit if you allow this man to abuse you in front of your child. Your child will be scared, confused and miserable. He/she will tread on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting dad. He/she will grow up thinking he/she is worthless. You think your self esteem is low? Imagine living with a dad like that. If you have a boy, he'll grow up thinking this is how you treat women...do you want your future son declaring 'owwnership' of his wife's body? If you have a girl she will probably grow up seeing this as normal and eventually allow a man to abuse her too.
The only way for you to create a happy home is to get that cunt out of it. And I don't use that word lightly. Listen to the advice you are getting and SORT THIS OUT.

Beachcomber · 04/12/2011 11:21

I just wanted to add something about birth. Please do not allow this unpleasant man to be anywhere near you when you give birth.

Giving birth is a pretty amazing experience - you deserve for it to be as positive an experience for you as it possibly can be. This means that you must have supportive people around you only and you must listen to your body and do it your way. If you want a water birth you must have one.

I planned a homebirth for my second child (although ended up in hospital because she was slightly premature - birth was still great though!). Because it was a homebirth preparation, there was of course no plan for an epidural. My midwife was fantastic and she taught me some brilliant visualisation techniques which really helped me to manage my contractions.

She told me to embrace the contraction and imagine my cervix releasing with each one. She said to imagine that your cervix is a flower which is opening up slowly. I know it sounds a bit funky but she went on a lot about welcoming the contraction and breathing not pushing the baby out. It is hard to describe but I hope you see what I mean. She also told me constantly that I was awesome and that my body was too and that I was to seize control of my birth and do it my way.

So I had DD with no pain relief (I'm France and they don't do gas and air) and no needles and it was great. Sure it hurt, but I did it my way, used the visualisation and told those contractions to bring it on.

To do this I needed to be focused and to feel strong and supported. Please please do everything you can to make your birth experience what you want - we women are awesome when we give birth, you need to have a birth partner who sees that.

Good luck with your birth - I wish a peaceful water birth for you. Get visualising and imagine yourself having it eralch!

Hugs.

HarrySantaatemygoldfish · 04/12/2011 11:32

Oh god, totally agree with abbie.

The damage you will do to your innocent baby by staying with scum like this is irreparable, lifelong and utterly preventable.

You need to leave. I am frightened for your baby. This is the very tip of the abuse he is capable of.

Please, please leave now. Please.
Few things shock an old bird like me, but this has.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 11:42

He is not lovely 90% of the time, he's just done such a bloody brillant job of gaslighting that you are in a right state and you can't even see it :(

Stay at your Mums. Have the waterbirth you want. Get your Mum (& other family/friends) to help you sort stuff out. You don't have to live like this and you shouldn't bring your baby up in this environment.

It is scary for us because you don't even seem to be able to see just how bad your sitution is :(

daveywarbeck · 04/12/2011 11:48

And bear in mind when you have the baby he is going to get worse, not better.

hostelgirl74 · 04/12/2011 13:06

It sounds like you would be better off without him at the birth anyway so its his decision if he doesn't want to come.
I am planning a water birth as well and the pooing in the water thing bothers me as well. Fortunately, I have got a lovely supportive partner and when I mention this, he says "look - know you are human you know!" and "I can look away or go out of the room if you want me to". These are the kind of words you need. Ask yourself, if he is like this with you, what kind of control freak father is he going to make? Have a good think about what everyone on here says. I have friends who stay with men like this and it really winds me up but ultimately all people on here can do is give you advice. Its up to you to be courageous enough to take it.

Flisspaps · 04/12/2011 13:15

Your posts make me want to cry OP :(

Please - now that you are safe and with your Mum, stay there. Stay there, stay there, stay there.

Even if he is wonderful 90% of the time, which I very much doubt, that does absolutely NOT make up for the shitty, shitty way he treats you the other 10% of the time.

You are not going to birth this baby twice, so you don't get the chance to do it his way, then your way. It's once, and it's you that has to do it. Please, please don't go back when you've already done the hardest part and have got away.

Did you have confidence and self-esteem issues before you met him, or did they surface once you were with him?

GreenMonkies · 04/12/2011 13:17

Why are you still with him?

naturalbaby · 04/12/2011 13:18

i had a fantastic 1st birth using hypnobirthing and a water pool, and all at home which was the icing on the cake. the only, only way i managed it was with a fully supportive dh. fully. he wasn't happy at first about a few parts of my plan but he soon realised, and said that he realised that i had to do whatever was best for me, and right for my body.

if this is the way your dh is talking and behaving now then you will not get the birth you want with him involved. you need 100% confidence and self belief and support from whoever is involved.

think of giving birth as a marathon. you wouldn't run a marathon without training - mentally and physically. you need to keep active and train your mind and your body. practice relaxation, breathing techniques, positions to use during labour. i did pregnancy yoga and it was brilliant for getting my body relaxed and ready to give birth.

and i did not poo during labour.

CupOfGoodCheer · 04/12/2011 13:19

oh my Christ on a bike wtf are you doing with this abusing piece of shit?

Stay at your mum's ffs and never look back!

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 13:21

They are very successful abusers when they persuade you it is normal behaviour. Stay at your mothers and keep out of his clutches.

Mulledbee · 04/12/2011 13:39

So shocked and saddened to read this. Agree with the others - this is really abusive and you have to leave for your sake and your baby. I can imagine a lot of your confidence and self esteem problems will go when he goes. Please stay with your mum and start getting real life support from friends and family to help you through this time. You need to feel supported and loved and he is not going to be able to do that for you during childbirth.

3rdOneComingUp · 04/12/2011 13:51

What does your mother think of him and of your first partner who you had to call for help to escape? Why do you think this is acceptable behaviour?

mrsmplus3 · 04/12/2011 13:53

i shudder at the thought of the way your life is going to be if you stay with this person, not to mention the father figure your giving you child. ok hes the dad and theres not much you can do about that now but you could split up and just let the kid see him once a week. thats what i did with my first child and his dad. i was madly in love with him but he was controlling me and eventually i saw that. i left him at 8months pregnant. this made him trash my mums livingroom etc but at least i got out of the relationship and he never lived with me or my son so my son isnt too badly damaged by the fact that his dad is an idiot. and he never got to trash anything ever ever again. you need to get stronger now, youre going to be the role model for another human being.

mrsmplus3 · 04/12/2011 13:56

ps the fact hes moaning about you pooing during labour shows how pathetic and immature and weak he is as a man. there will be a lot more for you to worry about than that. you shouldnt indulge this nonsense. no offence but what age are you guys? and this is your second abusive relationship? maybe you should be alone for a few years til you figure out who you are and what your values are in life.

heroinahalfshell · 04/12/2011 14:18

Good lord you are gonna poo in labour no matter what!! Pool or bed!

And pressuring you to lose weight after you give birth??!! What the actual fuck???? You do realise that giving birth is like being hit by two double decker buses coming in opposite directions don't you? You won't even be able to WALK for a good while. You need to be waited on hand and foot - is he going to be able to do this for you????

God the man's an immature IDIOT.

Please please please please leave. This is only going to get worse if you don't....

mediawhore · 04/12/2011 15:13

Does he realise that you are almost definitely going to poo when giving birth - whether in water or on the bed?

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 15:15

I don't think that pooing in labour is something that you notice or remember-I can't.

eurochick · 04/12/2011 17:41

I agree with the many posters on here who have said this is an abusive relationship. Please get out.

A water birth has been proposed by your consultant because she thought it would be the best for YOU. You are her patient and she has advised what is best for your welfare. Your partner clearly does not want what is best for you, because he is suggesting that you disregard the consultant's advice.

Have your water birth with your mother by your side and cut this nasty abusive man out of your life.

Good luck.

MrsWembley · 04/12/2011 19:19

I'm getting a bit concerned now that the OP hasn't been back for a while. Hope she's still at her mum's and can't log on there, or something.

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