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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Partner wont let me choose how I give birth

124 replies

eralch · 03/12/2011 19:44

Just want to have a moan really.
Went to see my consultant this week and due to a severe needle phobia I have refused all pain killers, so she suggested hydrotherapy or water birth.

I quite liked the idea since a bath has always helped my back ache.
Upon asking my partner what he thought of it he immediatly jumped on the internt and looked up every BAD thing about water birth.
Focusing on "pooing in the water" I was then TOLD by him, I am having the baby on a bed, with only gas and air and if there were complications I would be having a c section.
I jumped straight back and said Its my body the baby is coming out of I want a water birth so deal with it.
He replied with, I wont be able to be in there with you with you pooing in the water.
I told him fine my mum would be my birth partner.
A huge arguement ensued, I walked out and ended up at my mums, 45 mins away.

All the way through my pregnancy I have kept my mouth shut and gone along with all the things he has said and now im standing up for myself he doesnt like it.
I am undergoing councilling, CBT, under a phyciatrist, on anti depressants and signed off work. This is all for my low selfestime and confidence issues.
I was doing really well until he started telling me how to have the baby.
He says he wants us to go through it together but he doesnt seem to understand that its me and my body that have to go through everything.
As im signed off, he wont even let me out while he is at work so no chance of getting my body in shape ready for labour, and thats another thing! Once the baby is born I have to go back down from a size 18 to a size 10 again ASAP!!!!
Sorry for a the rant but I needed to get it out.

Any advice on my predicament would be helpful. Also your expierances during labour would be great as this is my first time, due in March.

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 03/12/2011 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daveywarbeck · 03/12/2011 20:49

You can't possibly think the way he behaves towards you is normal. You know it isn't.

Dump him. Do not go back to him. Stay at your mother's house.

storminabuttercup · 03/12/2011 20:52

Oh love, this is not a moan! You need to think about you are your baby, this man is controlling he will undo all the good work you have done through your cbt! He sounds immature, I mean seriously, what does it matter if you poo? He shouldnt give a toss!

Stay with your mum!

reallytired · 03/12/2011 20:54

Please leave him. This is not a loving relationship.You are experiencing both emotional and financial abuse.

He has no right to control you like this. He has no right to be at the birth, yet alone tell you how you are to give birth. He is not your master.

mamalovesmojitos · 03/12/2011 20:56

Honey, I also want to add my voice to this thread. This is not at all normal or acceptable behaviour. It's not your fault, you've just ended up dating someone abusive, manipulative and cruel. Please if you can, go to your mums. I can't see how you can ever come back from this; I don't think the relationship can be salvaged. I'm sorry. But take strength from this: you can be free and happy away from this man.

GeekLove · 03/12/2011 21:06

In terms of post partum weight loss, you could lose ~11 st very quickly.

Bunbaker · 03/12/2011 21:06

I'm staggred that anyone puts up with this type of behaviour from their partner.
I'm not usually an advocate of splitting a marriage up, but if ever there was a reason to leave a man this is most definitely it.

He is a control freak of the highest order. He is a bully and is abusing you mentally. He is the reason you have low esteem issues. The best thing you can do for you and your unborn child is to leave him. It won't get any better if you stay with him.

Give yourself a chance to learn to live without a man in tow and hopefully you will meet someone who boosts your self confidence. It can happen - being with my OH has done wonders for my self confidence.

AnotherMincepie · 03/12/2011 21:11

TheHoHoHouseofMirth · 03/12/2011 21:13

I usually hold back from jumping on the "leave him" bandwagon but I can't this time. None of this is normal, you deserve much more and he deserves to be stood up to and told his behaviour is not even appoaching acceptable.

Things are likely to get a whole lot worse when your baby arrives so now would really be the best time to walk away and start to build a healthy and happy home for you and your baby.

Water births are fab by the way. I hope you and your mum enjoy yours!

MudAndGlitter · 03/12/2011 21:14

Leave him. Get out before you bring your child into it all

Crosshair · 03/12/2011 21:49

If someone else wrote that surely you would be thinking wtf that isnt right? :(

MrsWembley · 03/12/2011 21:50

I hope you are taking all this in and are silent just because it is slowly dawning on you what is happening and how you could make it better.

I hope you haven't disappeared in horror or in fear.

DialMforMummy · 03/12/2011 22:05

If that's how he is treating you now, I dread to think what he will be like when baby is here. Get out while you still can, this behaviour (his) is not normal.
Your body, your rules. Best of luck.

Yawner247 · 03/12/2011 22:08

I agree with the others but just wanted to say I had a pool birth it was amazing and my husband was at the side of the pool/tub as he didn't want to be in the water! And most importantly there was no pooping from me or bambino! I wish you well with your birth and hope you get the help and support of your family and friends whatever YOU decide to do for YOU & YOUR BABY xx

Loopymumsy · 04/12/2011 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 04/12/2011 08:13

Please leave - there are so many red flags in your OP. He sounds so controlling and it will get worse.

Stay with your Mum until the baby is born. Dont go back to him.

Debs75 · 04/12/2011 08:14

OP he does sound really controlling and a bit unhinged. OK he isn't actually locking you in but you are scared by his actions to go out! What exctly are his actions? does he rant and rave, sulk with you or is he violent?
I had a friend who's ex was lovely 90% of the time, very polite to everyone and charming. The other 10% he was beating her so badly she ended up in hospital.

It is sad that he is so unsupportive in your choice of birth. This could easily spill over into how you raise your child and do you really want your child to be scared of making a mess in case he/she upsets daddy?

3cutedarlings · 04/12/2011 08:40

Seriously OP get out!

He wants to control how you give birth, he has a problem with you pooing during the birth process . He's an idiot this is part of the birth process most women shat themselves during labour!

Why do you have to go back into a size 10 ASAP?

Youre off work and taking anti depressants youre 6mths PG and he moaning youre not bringing any money in? seriously he is nothing but a controlling bastard!.

And by going out you would be wasting petrol , and to go see your mother she has to pay for the petrol and yet he's happy to sit is home that is heated by her and eat the food she has PAID for?? WFT! .

OP i have a feeling your not telling us half of this, you need to get out NOW!! dont kid yourself into thinking he will change after the LO is born, he wont!. Pricks like this never do .

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 09:00

You need to do more than rant!

It is generally a bit of a joke on here when people jump in and say 'leave him' HOWEVER-seriously you need to leave now. He will get worse.

I would sit him down today.
Tell him

You will be in control of your own birth and you will be the one to choose.
You will be going out, if and when you want to, while he is at work.
Your body size is nothing to do with him.

Tell him it is non negotiable and if he won't listen see if you can move in with your mother.

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 09:01

Sorry-I see it wasn't a rant-it was a moan-which is evern worse. This isn't a normal relsionship-don't get fooled into thinking it is.

exoticfruits · 04/12/2011 09:02

Sorry about the spelling-so incensed by his behaviour that I can't even type properly!

lljkk · 04/12/2011 09:42

He knows if he doesnt change he will lose me and little 1, just want to know when he will

what do you mean WHEN? Men like this DO.NOT.CHANGE.

fannybaws · 04/12/2011 10:04

Op he is abusing you.
Please go and stay with your mum she sounds lovely.
One more point, when you are pushing a baby out it feels like you are doing a big poo, you will feel inhibited if you know that your birth partner is disgusted by this.

MrsChemist · 04/12/2011 10:09

Just adding to the chorus saying that this is abuse. You deserve better.

FourThousandHoles · 04/12/2011 10:10

he's lovely 90% of the time? Even if that's true, which I doubt, it isn't good enough.

Lovey, if you are at your mum's now, you need to stay there.

He sounds awful, controlling and abusive.

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