Upset about my c-sections

[Crossleggedmoose]

Hi everyone,

For the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more upset about my elective c-sections and I really don't know why.

I had an elective C section with DD1 who is now 3. At the time, I was told she was going to be well over 4kg when she was born. This really made me scared about having a natural delivery. We also struggled to conceive for 2 years and had IVF so I was desperate to have a healthy baby and felt that it was safer for me to have a c-section than a complicated labour. For some reason, I wasn't terrified of surgery, but was really scared something could go wrong during labour.

With my 2nd pregnancy, I really wanted to try for a VBAC and my OB supported it. My pregnancy was great, baby doing well. Size average and head engaged early on. Howerver, by 41 weeks with no sign of labour starting, my OB said I could go for another c-section or be induced. He was really reluctant to induce though as the risk of the previous scar rupturing was high and he said that would result in an emergency c-section under general. I was really scared to put my baby and me in danger and the idea of being unconscious terrified me, so went for another c-section.

I know at the time of my decisions, I was thinking about the health of my babies and no one forced me to have a c-section, but for some reason I am now struggling to come to terms with it and feel sad and disappointed to have never experienced labour (not even an contraction!)

I can tell myself that it is important to have my healthy babies and how they were delivered is not so important, but I just can't shake off this feeling of regret.

I guess I just wanted to hear from anyone who has felt this and to get some support from other mums.

Thank you all.

I'm sorry to say this but I have to, I gave birth to my daughter in December and she was stillborn ( I knew before and was induced) but I was still scared of both inducement and section. I would have had a section if it meant she was alive, and I'm also scared of that too; terrified of feeling numb or a general actually scares me to death. I'd love to be you.

Cheese&Gherkins, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be going through agony and I wish that things had been different for you.

I think that we are all hugely grateful for our children to be here. I think the 'at least you have a healthy child' line is not useful, partly because (in my case), my little boy wasn't healthy when he was born, and may still have ongoing problems, and also because I think it misses the crux of the problem.

I can tell myself over and over that, 'at least I have ds', but it doesn't stop the physical feelings of anxiety and panic that I get or the nightmares that I have when I think about his birth.

I love how my post about owning the OPs feelings was followed directly by someone doing just that.

Get this people, just because you were happy about your situation, doesn't mean others should be about their situation!

Cheese, I am sorry for your loss, I lost a little girl who was born alive but too soon for them to even try and save her and I had to watch her die so I understand your point but it didn't stop me from suffering PTSD after the next birth. My scrambled brain was telling me two babies had died and I was looking after someone else's baby. I couldn't be grateful she was alive, certainly not that she was healthy because now 4.5 years later she's not healthy as a result of her birth and takes more medication than most adults for the same condition and it's still not controlling her! The only thing I could do was grieve the birth and grieve my two babies I lost. I might have lost one but I couldn't connect that baby as being mine. That's not selfish, it's a reaction by my brain to traumatic events.

(oh and just to clarify, the get over yourself statement wasn't to cheese)

confuddledDotcom - Try reading posts properly. I didn't mention happiness about the birth anywhere.

I never said you did say you were happy about it, your post was:

"But I have never ever felt the need to feel guilty about it"

You might not have but the OP obviously does.

Actually the OP talks of 'regret'. I also 'regret' not being awake when my children were born. Take your criticism of others and shove it up your arse confuddled.

I'm not the one owning other people's feeling that this thread is full of.

I was also asleep during my children's births and will be again if I have another section as they can't get an epidural in my back. I feel guilt and regret every time I have to rush my children to A&E in the middle of the night because my body failed them. I don't feel I gave birth because I wasn't even there for it. I don't feel happy to have a healthy baby because I haven't got one. But that's me. I'd never tell someone else they should or shouldn't feel guilty, their feelings are their own borne out of their unique situation. That's happened again and again on this thread. I've seen the fall out of people doing that, it makes the guilt worse and sends many people into depression. We're all entitled to our own feelings and we're entitled to them without someone telling us our feelings are wrong because they differ. Even identical twins haven't been in exactly the same situation and feel things differently.

Yes you are confuddled. You have told me my own feelings are irrelevant. Well, they aren't.

Hazey I'm sorry to hear that, I didn't tell my story to hurt anyone else or to upset, I hope you're managing your anxiety.

confuddled - I am so sorry for you too, I know everyone deals with things differently so I won't say I understand how you feel but I certainly have empathy for you. I worry about what I'd feel if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, and the birth.

Thankyou for your kind words, Cheese&Gherkins.

I've pm-ed you.

I have had 4 sections and just think thank goodness i did.
Can't turn back time, enjoy those lovely children you created

Hi I can relate a little as felt like this after my 1st emergency section and people even commented that I hadn't given birth!! I longed to experience birth.

I did go on to have normal births and WAS elated to be able to 'do it' BUT I also suffered 4 losses, 2 of which were after 20 weeks and that made me realise that it didn't matter HOW they were born as long as they are actually here.

Another thing to bear in mind is that HAD you gone for normal birth you may have wished you had a section. For example, I had a VBAC with twins (wasn't offered a section) and ended up with crash section of twin 2 which almost killed me and him. With hindsight I wish I had had a section. That is what is worth thinking about, even in low risk pregnancy the section rate is over 20% so you had at least that chance of having a section and if you had you may have felt regret at not going for it straight off.

I have had 3 sections now and 2 full term normal births. I honestly find them all as magical (except the traumatic twin one but even then there are wonderful moments) and can't really say the natural ones were that much more special. With my final elective it was every bit as magical as my VBAC. I bonded with my section babies just as much as well.

It is totally normal to feel like you missed out in the actual birth part but really they are just coming out another part only a bit higher up!! OK you are not pushing but that is pretty much instinctive anyway. Each way requires alot of effort and pain.

Webpage about emotional recovery after a C-Section
www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/csemotionalrecov.htm

I've found this webpage enormously helpful in trying to process my feelings about my CS - hope some others find it useful too.

I had two natural births then an emergency csection due to cord prolapse under general, I am now 5 weeks pregnant and know that this will also be a csection due to how high they had to cut into my womb, although I feel sad that I didnt give birth naturally and that I also didn't get to see him till he was 10 hours old, he was 8 weeks early so rushed to neonatal, I try to concentrate on how lucky we are that he is healthy and that with all the things that can go wrong during labour it doesn't really matter how they get here