Upset about my c-sections

[Crossleggedmoose]

Hi everyone,

For the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more upset about my elective c-sections and I really don't know why.

I had an elective C section with DD1 who is now 3. At the time, I was told she was going to be well over 4kg when she was born. This really made me scared about having a natural delivery. We also struggled to conceive for 2 years and had IVF so I was desperate to have a healthy baby and felt that it was safer for me to have a c-section than a complicated labour. For some reason, I wasn't terrified of surgery, but was really scared something could go wrong during labour.

With my 2nd pregnancy, I really wanted to try for a VBAC and my OB supported it. My pregnancy was great, baby doing well. Size average and head engaged early on. Howerver, by 41 weeks with no sign of labour starting, my OB said I could go for another c-section or be induced. He was really reluctant to induce though as the risk of the previous scar rupturing was high and he said that would result in an emergency c-section under general. I was really scared to put my baby and me in danger and the idea of being unconscious terrified me, so went for another c-section.

I know at the time of my decisions, I was thinking about the health of my babies and no one forced me to have a c-section, but for some reason I am now struggling to come to terms with it and feel sad and disappointed to have never experienced labour (not even an contraction!)

I can tell myself that it is important to have my healthy babies and how they were delivered is not so important, but I just can't shake off this feeling of regret.

I guess I just wanted to hear from anyone who has felt this and to get some support from other mums.

Thank you all.

I thought the incontinence joke was funny! And I had a csection and STILL leak when I sneeze etc!

It's just something I'm a little oversensitive about.

I think many people will have regrets about no geting the birth that they always thought they would have - you know the little bit of of unmanaged pain, gloriously unsweaty followed by one push and out. These I believe are like hens teeth or rocking horse manure and as freaky as those women who leave hospital in their skinny jeans. They are very lucky but I don't think that they are the norm and therefore there are lots of people who struggle with coming to terms with their birth - in my previous post I mentioned sil and mil comments to me. They were valid to me because sil has had 2 very easy births, but then mil complained that the mw didn't see her enough and that I was getting special treatment (IUG problems and obviously under consultant care 2nd time round), tbh the special treatment at times was a pain in the backside . I equally have a friend who will never have another baby after 2 quite frankly horrendous births after which she had to have major surgery to put everything back together.

I also think that it all depends on your hospital care, although my hospital didn't push me in any direction they were keen for me not to have a cs, although had I got to 40 weeks they would have booked me in without a doubt, (I was in labour during the allotted appointment and therefore missed discussing the elcs with the consultant). I was in 2 minds tbh, I would have gone elcs at term but the hospital in August was super hot, the facilities super outdated and that is why I was on a wait and see. However I was clear about one thing as I was convinced what would be would be, and that one thing was that I really prayed I wouldn't have to have another emcs. I don't know why, I think I just didn't wanted to be slightly more in control of the cs decision.

I think this is great though that you started this because it was about the time you are talking about (10 months onwards) that I started to get jealous of friends who had gone down the "natural" route, with an emcs obviously I didn't have a choice, equally if I had had a breech baby I would have had a cs (the hospital insisted upon these) and if I had known we would have a large baby I would have gone for a cs. I still suprise myself that I didn't have an elcs in place for ds, however there were outstanding circumstances such as the fact that all our relatives were on holiday and we had moved to a new area and didn't have many friends that we would trust dd to. Fate intervened and hey presto, fate also intervened with you and you know what it won't have been the wrong decision, you may have regrets but like all grief it will fade I am sure.

Ooh I have waffled, sorry

This thread has made me sad, I've tried not to read too many posts. About 90% (probably being generous) of posters are owning the OPs feelings.

Crossleggedmoose there is no right or wrong way to feel, just what you yourself feel. You shouldn't feel grateful, you shouldn't be happy, you shouldn't be anything except what you are.

How dare people tell you what to feel?! Just because you are upset doesn't mean others should be and just because others aren't doesn't mean you shouldn't be. Your feelings are unique to you and no one can tell you their feelings are valid here!

I'm sad about mine, they were premature crash sections with GA. When I first saw my children they dressed and had a tube up their nose and wires on their chest. After my first I had PTSD, my second was the cure. I'm hoping to VBAC this time, against hospital advice because I understand the risks better than what they're pitching them to me at. Believe it or not doctors don't tell you the truth and doctors mostly see bad births so they're going to tell you that a section is safer and they're going to choose them for their own child. But this isn't about me, it's about you. There's nothing you can take from my experience because it didn't happen to you, except maybe and I hope you do, that your feelings are valid and acceptable. Don't ever let anyone else tell you how to feel. They're not giving you a wake up call, they're owning your feelings. The only wake up call can come from you.

Confuddle.....doctors lie? really? Sections are safer for babies, only slightly, but it's true. Planned sections that is.

Erm and rupture is a real risk, especially after two sections....

"Sections are safer for babies, only slightly, but it's true. Planned sections that is."

But it's not safer to go through subsequent pregnancies with a c/s scar, so that needs to be factored in. There are many studies showing higher rates of stillbirth in pregnancies following c/s.

Re: increased rate of rupture after 2 c/s, according to MIDIRS Informed Choice Info - The research is conflicting. They conclude however that the 'absolute risk of major complications still remains low' and that therefore women "should not be discouraged" from attempting VBAC after 2c/s.

I had a VB, with DD followed by a Emergency CS with DS - due to DS getting distressed. My gynae reckoned that the midwife was at fault.

The crash section was much more difficult to recover from, because I was totally unprepared for it. I have friends who had planned CS and coped much better with it.

If I had another baby (which vvvvvv unlikely) then I would strongly consider a planned section rather than go through that again.

I think it is important that women are better prepared for the possibility of a CS - that they are informed and able to make the decision clearly before it is an emergency situation.

Cleo....I think most of us take one baby at a time....

I don't think there is one valid reaction to the labour experience.

I had an emc and feel fine about it- doesn't mean everybody else who had one has to feel fine about that.

Otoh I did feel a bit rough and shaken (not to mention torn to bits down below) after my vaginal- doesn't mean nobody else can feel elated and in fine fettle after theirs.

Nobody else had my births and nobody else will have had yours.

The important thing imho is to acknowledge your own feelings and then try to decide if you do need some kind of external help to deal with them. There are debriefing sessions and other types of help you can access.

I wonder though, if births in general could go better in the UK? Having watched quite a lot of episodes of One Born Every Minute, where a lot of mums are semi reclined on the bed, I can't help but wonder if the management of labour by the midwives, results in a cascade of interventions?

I know with my labour, they didn't identify DS was back to back and I ultimately had a c section - could that have been managed better?

OP, me too. Still working on my feelings and letting go of them nearly two years after the birth of DD2 and five years after the birth of DD1.

Confused - your post kind of sums up how I feel. I know the statistics, know why I had cs the first time, know the factors that contributed to cs the second time, know that from a purely clinical perspectives they weren't bad birth experiences but am still left with feelings of sadness and regret.

I also feel that the practice of obstetrics in this country has so much to learn....and that for as long as individual mothers are told that all that matters is a healthy baby we are being sold a lie, ie that all the obstetric interventions we experience are necessary and that we as mothers should have no feelings about them.

It makes me profoundly sad that women considering VBAC come under the most pressure to make choices at the point of pregnancy (ie 36 weeks plus) when you feel most vulnerable and most protective of your baby.

I sincerely wish that doctors and anyone else discussing the benefits or otherwise of CS could spend time in the home of mothers postnatally so that they can understand how it affects the rest of the family, and what mothers are expected to be able to do while recovering from major surgery.

Please don't take this as a comment on anyone's individual circumstances, or a belief that CS isn't a great, life-saving intervention in obstetric medicine. Just food for thought.

Crossleggedmoose, have you seen a thread which was on here about a month or so ago, called something like "thread for women who've previously had traumatic births requesting c-sections"? Basically it was women in the opposite situation to yours, who have had terrible experience of vaginal birth and who are desperate to have c-sections for their second births. It was a very popular thread with hundreds of messages on, a bit like this one!

I recommend you read it (and sorry I can't remember the exact title) as it may put things in perspective about how there are so few of us who have perfect birth experiences, whether it's VB or CS. Also, c-sections can be the best option - the women on that thread who reported back post-section were evangelical about how much better it was than their vaginal birth.

I had my daughter by ECS due to a breech presentation last year. I had done everything to try and avoid it (including some very painful attempts to turn her) as I am very sporty and didn't want the long recovery time (it was fine actually, I was back playing competitive sport within three months). However, in no way do I feel in any way disappointed or cheated that I had a CS instead of delivering naturally. All that mattered was getting the smallie out safe and sound - it wasn't about me, it was about the baby.

Natural is such an overused word these days. It is bandied about as though all things natural are best. I don't agree. Childbirth was the biggest killer of women in the not too distant past, and still is in many parts of the world. Death in childbirth is just as natural as vaginal births and I consider myself very lucky and blessed to live in a country and time where neither me nor my beloved daughter were ever in any danger during my pregnancy or delivery.

ThePosieParker, yes, doctors lie. Go and read "My OB said what?!?!" see the things that they come out with. Apparantly all babies born at home die, all babies born in water die, all babies who's mothers don't get the H1N1 jab die. I'm a Doula and I've heard lies from doctors personally, as a Doula and from other Doulas. My risk of rupture is less than 1% considering that they told me last time the risk of a headache from the epidural is really low at only 10% I'm not too concerned about the risk of rupture.

Well said Cory:

"I don't think there is one valid reaction to the labour experience.

I had an emc and feel fine about it- doesn't mean everybody else who had one has to feel fine about that.

Otoh I did feel a bit rough and shaken (not to mention torn to bits down below) after my vaginal- doesn't mean nobody else can feel elated and in fine fettle after theirs.

Nobody else had my births and nobody else will have had yours.

The important thing imho is to acknowledge your own feelings and then try to decide if you do need some kind of external help to deal with them. There are debriefing sessions and other types of help you can access."

lizzytee, totally agree. After my last section I couldn't do anything for myself. I spent a week in hospital lying on my back unable to sit up for myself or roll over or pick the baby up. Everytime she needed feeding I had to press the call button and ask them to sit me up and pass the baby. If only one person came they'd have to go and get help leaving my baby to get upset. Eventually she was taken to the nursery so she could be fed faster when she woke (they'd bring her back in pairs so they could sit me up). Things didn't get easier at home.

"it wasn't about me, it was about the baby. "

Really? So why have you made your post about you and not the OP? Don't try to own someone else's feelings. You felt your baby was the most important thing, you dealt with it. Doesn't mean the OP is wrong for feeling how she feels.

This thread has obviously triggered deep seated and important feelings in lots of us.

I didn't experience a single contraction with either of my DSs - had 1 EMCS and one elective and 3 years on still mourn not having experienced anything of labour.

The rational part of my brain comes out with logical arguments - 'at least you have a healthy baby'....'at least you got pregnant, many women don't have that privelage".

But logic cannot compete with a primal, physical yearning to give birth. I can't explain it, it's not logical but it's very very real. I'm not sure these feelings will ever go away but I've got much better at living with them and fidning some pride in the fact that I did cope with major surgery twice. The only other thing that helps is trying to stop the 'what ifs' by remembering that a viable 'what if' could have been a horrific 'natural' birth which has it's own problems.

OP, you're not alone and your feelings are important.

Well said ridingthewave!

Just wanted to say that I have just been referred to a specialist Midwife counsellor who deals with traumatic births. Thankyou for starting this thread, it has bought to the surface a lot of feelings which I need to address.

Sorry, I meant to add, that I hope all is well with you.

Just checked the thread again and noticed some really thoughtful posts while I have been offline for a few days. Some of your comments have really struck a cord with me.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to share your feelings.

Have had 2 EMCS. Pre-eclampsia with DS1; he had UUGR & had to be delivered at 35 weeks. Under second pregnancy was under a consultant & I was desperate to have a second CS but was told that I had to try for VBAC.
After 35 hours in labour that was not going anywhere i was exhausted & they finally did a CS as DS2 getting distressed. Would have been so much easier to have an elective CS as I had requested throughout pregnancy!
I really don't understand the feeling of failure- you have grown 2 healthy babies which when you think about it is an amazing thing to have done! It really doesn't matter how they came into the world; they are here & healthy & loved. Both my boys know how they were born & love to point out my CS scar when we are in the bath because they know that's where they came out of my tummy!

I can't get over how again and again people are owning your feelings! I hope that you can see past those posts, it's horrible to be told your feelings are wrong :(

EMCS (almost) 9 years ago. It wasn't great to read about my children's birth rather than experiencing it. But I have never ever felt the need to feel guilty about it, or regret not having a vaginal birth. And the pain I experienced for months after the emcs more than made up for the pain I didn't experience of a vaginal birth.

I suppose this is just another thing amongst millions of things that women & mothers are supposed to feel guilty about.