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Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Upset about my c-sections

116 replies

Crossleggedmoose · 14/02/2011 14:42

Hi everyone,

For the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more upset about my elective c-sections and I really don't know why.

I had an elective C section with DD1 who is now 3. At the time, I was told she was going to be well over 4kg when she was born. This really made me scared about having a natural delivery. We also struggled to conceive for 2 years and had IVF so I was desperate to have a healthy baby and felt that it was safer for me to have a c-section than a complicated labour. For some reason, I wasn't terrified of surgery, but was really scared something could go wrong during labour.

With my 2nd pregnancy, I really wanted to try for a VBAC and my OB supported it. My pregnancy was great, baby doing well. Size average and head engaged early on. Howerver, by 41 weeks with no sign of labour starting, my OB said I could go for another c-section or be induced. He was really reluctant to induce though as the risk of the previous scar rupturing was high and he said that would result in an emergency c-section under general. I was really scared to put my baby and me in danger and the idea of being unconscious terrified me, so went for another c-section.

I know at the time of my decisions, I was thinking about the health of my babies and no one forced me to have a c-section, but for some reason I am now struggling to come to terms with it and feel sad and disappointed to have never experienced labour (not even an contraction!)

I can tell myself that it is important to have my healthy babies and how they were delivered is not so important, but I just can't shake off this feeling of regret.

I guess I just wanted to hear from anyone who has felt this and to get some support from other mums.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
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Cleofartra · 15/02/2011 10:04

"Never say a Casearean is a bad thing - cos it's a life saver"

I don't think anyone is saying it's a bad thing. I think everyone on this thread is incredibly grateful for the safe surgery that has allowed them to take home a healthy baby.

But as ShowofHands points out, "Feeling grateful for a healthy baby is separate to the feelings you can have about a birth experience".

That basic fact doesn't seem to register with a lot of people, hence the constant repetition of comments about the primary importance of taking home a healthy baby.

GMajor7 · 15/02/2011 10:09

Thanks everyone for a very helpful thread.

DD was born by emcs a year ago after 24 hours of full-on labour. I was fully dilated and VERY ready to push when they disovered she was breech. They said they were unable to deliver her vaginally due to the risk involved. I was in hospital for 5 days and had to work v hard to establish bf. It still upsets me and threads like this in whih other women share similar experiences are a great comfort.

ThePosieParker · 15/02/2011 10:14

Cleo.....Have you had a caesarean?

Cleofartra · 15/02/2011 10:19

"Please don't think I am being sarky but I genuinely cannot understand why a vaginal birth is so important when the health of the baby is surely what matters?"

Well - the life, health and future fertility of mothers is also usually fairly important too isn't it, as is the health of babies born in pregnancies following c/s?

Cleofartra · 15/02/2011 10:23

No Posy.

I've had three difficult vaginal births.

I read this thread because I wanted to see if anyone was going to come up with anything other than platitudes about having a healthy baby and 'not beating yourself up'.

And they have.

There are many very kind and thoughtful posts on here which acknowledge and validate the OP's feelings. Which is great.

ThePosieParker · 15/02/2011 10:24

Well - the life, health and future fertility of mothers is also usually fairly important too isn't it, as is the health of babies born in pregnancies following c/s?

What does that mean?

mendipgirl · 15/02/2011 10:29

Thanks Posie, struggling to pick a CD at the moment, have got the flannels but hadn't thought about the vaseline!

ThePosieParker · 15/02/2011 10:32

I made one on the PC, DD was born to enigma and DS3 was born to Elbow, one day like this! (the medics did complain about James Blunt!!)

pinkelephants · 15/02/2011 10:37

Just wanted to say thank you callow for linking that very helpful essay. I wish more that anything that I could say that my healthy beautiful son is all that matters and that how he got here isn't important. Unfortunately I just can't make myself feel that way (and believe me I've tried.) Every time I hear that I should be grateful I hate myself a little bit more (firstly for not having him "properly" and then for not appreciating what I have.)

ShowofHands first post about it being ok to have sadness and regret as long as it doesn't stop your enjoyment of other things is spot on I think. Unfortunately I seem to have gone beyond sadness and regret to a place where my sadness regret and self hatred are all consuming. I am about to start treatment that will hopefully help me to move past this.

OP I hope your feelings are not as strong as mine and that you can move past them on your own - but if not please ask for help (I waited far too long.) Knowing that your feelings aren't rational (and I good days I do know I don't think rationally about this) isn't enough to stop me feeling this way.

ThePosieParker · 15/02/2011 11:36

pink...Have you had any counselling?

hazeyjane · 15/02/2011 11:59

"I genuinely cannot understand why a vaginal birth is so important when the health of the baby is surely what matters?"

A babies health can be affected by both vaginal births and c-sections, there are no guarantees with either method.

I don't think that this is necessarily all about having a 'romanticised' image of birth. (After a 3rd degree and 2nd degree tear I really have no romantic images of vaginal birth, honest!) for me personally it is a combination of what has happened to ds afterwards, and the sheer brutality of the operation, which I really didn't expect.

I know that what the op is feeling re c-sections is different to my reasons, but I can empathise with that feeling of loss and disappointment at not experienceing something that it feels our body should. I experienced similar feelings about breastfeeding. I can rationalise those feelings into submission, but I would be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a pang of sorrow and longing deep inside when I see someone breastfeeding their baby.

vintageteacups · 15/02/2011 12:09

Hi - I had an EMCS followed by a VBAC however, I was very scared about uterine rupture and tbh, I was begging for a CS most of the way through labour Grin.

You're correct when you say that the main outcome you want to achieve is that you are holding a healthy baby in your arms and yes, you may feel some regret (this is understandable) but for many women, they don't get to choose that it's elective; it has to be.

I think you should perhaps book in a for a post natal counselling session - it might help you to come to terms with what happened and help you see that the health practitioners are there to support you and give you non-biased info which allows you to make the decision.

Ushy · 15/02/2011 12:39

Coss legged moose - I know exactly how you feel but from the other side. I do wish we could swop!

I had a horrific vaginal delivery and I lost all the joy of holding the baby. Every time I looked at her I could only think of the birth and it was totally joyless. I chucked all the 'congratulations on the birth' cards in the bin.

I really wished the staff had intervened earlier so that I had a caesarean, avoided the horrific birth, and enjoyed holding her.

I will say, though, that it does where off in time .

Hope you feel better soonSmile

Fiddledee · 15/02/2011 13:09

My SILs both go on about how empowering it was to give birth "naturally", knowing full well I had EMCS and an elective. I tell myself that I did my best for both DC, me and DD would be dead without the EMCS, that usually shuts them up... Oh and I can bounce on a trampoline without leaking...

rightpissedoff · 15/02/2011 13:47

How insensitive fiddle. My vbac was empowering for the simple reason it meant I didn't have my mother-in-law interfering when I was incapacitated by surgery. It sprang from weakness, not strength.

It's not how you give birth, it's how you bring them up. That's what there is to be proud of.

SlightlyTubbyHali · 15/02/2011 13:58

Cleo- it's hardly a platitude, how very dismissive. Having been through a very traumatic birth (I had flashbacks for months afterwards) it was when I realised that a lot of my sadness resulted from being too hard on myself that I started to recover. Like the OP, I had a feeling of regret - in my case it was because I blamed myself for not standing up to the medics. I suspect from speaking to friends that disappointment often stems from those kinds of feelings.

But silly me for offering my own experience instead of using this thread to critique other people's posts.

EyeoftheStorm · 15/02/2011 14:08

OP I had an ELCS for a breech baby then an EMCS for PROM and failure to dilate. Both experiences were fine - I felt calm and in control and recovered well after. Not a single regret or backward glance.

My third birth was as 'natural' as they come - no pain relief, active labour of 35 minutes. But he was premature and I was out of my mind with panic during the delivery.

I am now thinking of going to counselling because I still feel stuck in the birth and its aftermath after 18 months.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's the kind of birth you have but the feelings that surface - the helplessness, the feelings of failure, the what-ifs. Some people are able to shake them off or they lose their sharp edges over time. Some of us get a bit lost and I'm glad to read you are getting some support. I'm trying to do the same before it bleeds over into my family and spoils what is a precious time.

PaisleyLeaf · 15/02/2011 14:16

I never did any kind of birth plan. I don't know if that's a part of why I was so accepting of my having to have a c-section. I was always going to take it as it comes according to how I felt at the time. So accepting what came due to circumstances beyond my control was perhaps easier for me than had I planned my natural birth.

Cleofartra · 15/02/2011 14:30

"Cleo- it's hardly a platitude, how very dismissive".

Sorry, but I think responding to someone saying 'I feel sad and disappointed about my birth' with 'the most important thing is that you've got a healthy baby' is both trite and dismissive. Because it's stating the bleeding obvious.

"I suspect from speaking to friends that disappointment often stems from those kinds of feelings".

Yes, sometimes. And sometimes from other things are behind those feelings of disappointment and sadness, including a feeling of loss at not having completed the pregnancy with the experience of labour.

Fiddledee · 15/02/2011 14:41

i was just pointing out that other mothers going on about their natural births does make it very hard for many of us that have had csections. I have no vbac to "boast" about and nor will I ever have. I loved my elective CS no consultant was going to persuade me to try for a vbac.

Original poster
Crossleggedmoose · 15/02/2011 14:45

Hi everyone,

I didn't realise that this would be such an emotional subject for so many of you and I am overwhelmed by your responses and support.

Your kind words and stories have given me strength and hope. Some of your posts have even made me laugh out loud (sorry if that was not intentional)but thank you anyway!

I'd love to respond to you all individually, but would run out of space here so I'd just like to say to anyone who is still feeling regret/sadness/disappointment/anger etc that I wish you all the best for your emotional recovery. I believe this thread was the first step towards mine. xx

OP posts:
NorthernGobshite · 15/02/2011 16:46

fiddle, I don't think you were being insensitive.

ThePosieParker · 15/02/2011 17:33

fiddle....I can't work out what it is that you may have been insensitive about.

FortunateHamster · 15/02/2011 17:47

Even mums who have been through IVF can still have regrets about having a c-section - I've been there. I was so excited about labour and it took me a long time to process having a c-section instead. My baby was healthy and that was absolutely the main thing, but that still didn't stop me from feeling somewhat traumatised by the way he'd been delivered.

I'm okay with it now, I think - but I've got no idea how I'll feel about childbirth if I'm ever lucky enough to be pregnant again.

hazeyjane · 15/02/2011 19:58

I think that if you have had fertility issues it almost adds to the pressure and disappointment when things don't go in the way you imagined, because pregnancy and birth have been at the centre of your existence or such a long time.

Was rightpissedoff saying that Fiddle or her sil, were insensitive?

I found the 'trampolining without leaking' line insensitive, but think that is just my personal gripe with jokes about incontinence.