Upset about my c-sections

[Crossleggedmoose]

Hi everyone,

For the past couple of months I've been feeling more and more upset about my elective c-sections and I really don't know why.

I had an elective C section with DD1 who is now 3. At the time, I was told she was going to be well over 4kg when she was born. This really made me scared about having a natural delivery. We also struggled to conceive for 2 years and had IVF so I was desperate to have a healthy baby and felt that it was safer for me to have a c-section than a complicated labour. For some reason, I wasn't terrified of surgery, but was really scared something could go wrong during labour.

With my 2nd pregnancy, I really wanted to try for a VBAC and my OB supported it. My pregnancy was great, baby doing well. Size average and head engaged early on. Howerver, by 41 weeks with no sign of labour starting, my OB said I could go for another c-section or be induced. He was really reluctant to induce though as the risk of the previous scar rupturing was high and he said that would result in an emergency c-section under general. I was really scared to put my baby and me in danger and the idea of being unconscious terrified me, so went for another c-section.

I know at the time of my decisions, I was thinking about the health of my babies and no one forced me to have a c-section, but for some reason I am now struggling to come to terms with it and feel sad and disappointed to have never experienced labour (not even an contraction!)

I can tell myself that it is important to have my healthy babies and how they were delivered is not so important, but I just can't shake off this feeling of regret.

I guess I just wanted to hear from anyone who has felt this and to get some support from other mums.

Thank you all.

NorthernGobshite, the two are not mutually exclusive. Feeling grateful for a healthy baby is separate to the feelings you can have about a birth experience. It belittles women to compare them to others. It's a normal and painful reaction and to question a woman's gratitude about her child's health is hurtful.

And I can only speak for me, but my feelings of failure and regret come from me, from my dreams and expectations, from my sense of loss. Society doesn't judge me, dh, my family, my friends don't judge me. It's my experience and I found it how I did because I'm human.

Have read this thread through and found it really interesting. Some very true comments made. I have just had a vba3c after a five year emotional journey due to feeling like I had missed out so much on a vaginal birth. All three of my caesereans were emergencies after I put heart and soul into trying to push my babies out - three hours each time.

So I have just had a vaginal birth - the thing that I thought I would go to my end of my life regretting not achieving. And yes, it was great to have my baby on my tummy straight away, to do it myself etc etc. And it has put lots of ghosts to rest. BUT....THE BONDING WAS NO DIFFERENT WHATSOEVER, IF ANYTHING I FELT MORE EMOTION DURING THE CAESEREANS. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH REGRETTING IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. IN MY MIND THOSE FIRST FEW MOMENTS WERE SO BRIEF AND THE TRUE JOURNEY STARTED WHEN I GOT HOME.

NorthernGobshite, it isn't as simple as your posts imply. I had a long and difficult journey to have children, and at one point truly believed it would never happen. This fact doesn't negate everything else. I can't just say 'hey-ho' about the feelings that I have had since having ds, I have nightmares about his birth, and it is not just because I feel responsible for his health problems. I can't explain how shattered my body felt after my cs.

OP you give very clear reasons for the decisions you made about your deliveries and I don't think anyone reading them would question why you went ahead with 2 elcs. I was lucky enough to have a successful vbac 2 months ago and in the run up, I had to see a specialist vbac mw. She told me that it's entirely normal for women to feel distressed long after the event if they've either had an elcs that they'd have preferred not to need or if they've had an emcs (as I did). Until I had that meeting with her, I'd been beating myself up about my first birth experience which had left me feeling very sad but had kept it to myself, as others around you (if they haven't been through something like this) a) don't understand and b) assume you've got over it. I would encourage you to speak to someone about your feelings, I know I wouldn't have without having to see that mw and after speaking with her, I felt so much better.

It's normal to mourn the experience you didn't have, especially if as in the case of some of the respondents you have problems with breastfeeding too as your body physically grieves as it doesn't understand why things have just stopped.

Everyone is different so don't compare your experience to others because whatever they felt is totally different to what you do/ will/ should feel. What you feel is what you should feel and don't let anyone tell you you're wrong or to be grateful (next person who tells me to my face to be grateful for any of my experience will find a crutch around their neck!)

There are different options you could look into, asking your GP for help as they may be able to refer you to the hospital for debriefing or looking out a counsellor or a Doula. Debriefing really sounds like what you need to help put things into order in your head.

corsslegged don't feel bad

You are not a failure.

I had one section and I don't know how I would have coped with a baby and a tiny one after another major op -- you've done that, and it's an amazing achievement.

You should feel proud of yourself. Hold your head up high -- you did the best thing for your children.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I appreciate you sharing your experiences.

I do like to read both points of views (people who like me are struggling to come to terms with cs and those who are lucky enough to focus on the positives and move on)

I did not regret my csection with DD1 until after my second cs. At the time, I was just happy to have my baby at last.

DD2 is 10 months old so the birth and the events leading up to choosing another c-section are still fresh in my mind.

I do think that seeing all my friends giving birth 'naturally' and hearing all their wonderful bonding stories with their babies (I didn't feel immediate love for DD1 or bond straight away) made me think that I was missing out on something.

I grew up thinking I would give birth vaginally. My mum gave birth 5 times, my two sisters as well. I'm the only one to have c-sections. Perhaps it is all romanticised by television. I was watching too many birthing programs while I was pregnant, preparing myself for the vaginal birth. That probably didn't help!

I think that time will help me get over this as other things become more important and I can look forward and not backwards.

I have actually booked a session to discuss this with a birthing coach. She helps women analyse their births and look at healing them if they did not have the outcome they were looking for.

Thanks again everyone and please feel free to continue discussing as I find your comments really helpful. xx

hazeyjane Mon 14-Feb-11 19:48:21

Wow, I am really shocked by your experience and hope you get the help you need.

IME what really helped me was all of the nosy people demanding to know why I was having cs! All the times I defending my decision made me far more secure with it! In fact after reading that the safest delivery for the baby is elective cs, because it negates the need for an emcs I felt really happy with it all.

A good bunfight defending it on MN doesn't go amiss either!

I had a vaginal birth with DD1, induced at 42 weeks, 3 hours of pushing, terrible trouble BFing (she was failure to thrive at 10 days and hospitalised with dehydration) and retained placenta that kept me in hospital for 5 days after she was born.

DD2 was breech at 41 weeks so EMCS. Yes, I was numb from the waist down (but it was an epidural which I may well have had with a vaginal birth) but up 24 hours later and out of hospital after 3 days.

It's not a given that a CS is worse and in my case, I would never go through the first scenario ever ever again.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Concentrate on being a great mum but seek help / counseling if you need it to get over this.

One last thing. Just after I had ds2 who was born via a GA emcs, which meant I have vague recollection of his first few hours and, obviously, none of his birth (although DH did skin to skin straight away to warm him up) two friends of mine were close to delivering their second babies. Both were offered c sections as both had very large babies and long and traumatic vaginal deliveries. Both refused. One baby died in the womb a day before due date and the other died just after birth, I think she lived about half an hour. This acutely reminded me that the method of delivery is not important and I cannot imagine how both of my friend's felt that they each could have chosen an elective section and refused, I don't know if it would have made a difference to the lives of their babies, but they'll never know.

Ive had 3 csections (if its free ill have it) my first was an emergency after 17 hours induced labour ,second was bcos my mil was dying (we were in woman magazine about that one) and my 3rd was supposed to be vaginal but if a trusted obs/gynae tells your dh hed not allow it for his own wife - you go with advice (as it was i nearly died after truly i haemorraged and needed tablets for a year).

I think we have like a post traumatic feel over this,you cant change anything,you cant go back and get that moment back but you can in time accept it.

My ds1 has a bad scar on his face from forceps and a scar on his scalp from the ventuose (both failed) looking at him and the fact he was actually grey and lifeless when born - im glad hes here (you are for your dc too i know).

Acceptance will come honestly.

my dh was married before me and she popped em out like shelling peas whod wanna push something as big as 2 gala melons through ya minnie anyway?? .

Succesful childbirth isnt measured by units of pain (if it were wed win anyway )

You just need to accept theres more than one way of giving birth.....someone I know has adopted her children and she says she didnt need to birth them to love them .....they came from her heart and that misses a beat when she looks at them (shes v poetic and soppy).

Posie thats .

This is an interesting essay on being grateful for a healthy baby after a traumatic birth.

www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm

I have had 2 emcs and had quite mixed feelings about them.
My first birth I was very upset about, but less about the cs, more about the labour that went before. I wanted to move but was told I had to lie on the bed. It was agony (24 hours of it) and afterwards I was furious with myself because I am not usually a compliant little lamb. I felt that I had let them provide substandard care and that had led to the emcs.

With DD2 I laboured exactly as I wanted... and still ended up with a cs. Like Twirly it transpires I am incapable of vaginal birth - although am fab at the labour part and getting to 10cm! I felt better about this one because I did it my way and gave it everything I had, even if that wasn't enough to get my VBAC.

The second time around also exorcised some demons because DD2 was very distressed (crash section) and the fear of having a damaged or dead baby was far worse than my disappointment over not getting my VBAC.

OP- you listened to medical advice, especially the second time. You were frightened, and so making decisions based on what you believed was safest in the circumstances. You did the best you could for your children, to get them here safely. That is all entirely sensible.

And as for experiencing labour, I guess I can understand you feeling you'd like to. I certainly wanted to experience an unmedicalised labour after my DD1. I think the feeling will fade with time for you. Beating ourselves up seems to be what women do best, so try to focus on the good (two lovely children and an intact pelvic floor).

PosyParker: you have arrived at the conclusion that how you have a baby doesn't matter, but then drop in that planning a vaginal birth is 'more dangerous to your baby'. You helpfully illustrate this point with an anecdote about your two friends who refused an elective c/s and whose babies died.

Great.

Honestly the one thing which occurs to me when I read comments like Posy's is how true it is that women are fanatically loyal to their birth 'choices', whatever those choices may be.

It takes a very brave person to admit to disappointment about something as intimate and important as this: OP - I salute you.

Catherder and ShowofHands - great posts.

"Beating ourselves up seems to be what women do best, so try to focus on the good (two lovely children and an intact pelvic floor"

The OP isn't 'beating herself up'. She's expressing disappointment and sadness about her births.

Cleo....How bizarre that you took that from what I wrote. This thread is specifically for a woman that feels some sort of grief for her lack of vaginal deliveries, my experience is valid for her and is factually correct. I wasn't writing my post for you.

Cleo....I'm guessing you had a vaginal birth, if so this thread isn't for you is it? You seem to lack the empathy required.

I had an EMCS with DD due to undiagnosed breech whih wasn't identified until I was in labour. I was upset when they first suggested the CS as i had wanted a water birth and was geared up for a natural birth. However the CS was handled really well and I am now due to have and ELCS next week for DC2, which is completely my choice (no medical need). When discussing it with the consultant who was lovely I said if they could guarantee me a safe VBAC without it resulting in tearing/cutting/instrumental delivery or EMCS i would do it, but they can't so ELCS seems the safest and best method for me.

A lot of people have questioned my decision, don't I feel I am missing out? If there's no medical need then I shouldn't have one etc etc, but like Posie answering these questions and doing a lot of research into the benefits of CS (not just the risks) I am very confident in my decision. I also struggled to BF DD and will face this challenge again next week but I hope that after seeing my DD grow into a happy healthy 2 year old that I am now wise enough to know that there is so much more to motherhood than how you get them out of you (I am sure they don't care!!).

I did write to the MWs re the problems with my care which really helped and had a great letter back which really helped me come to terms with it and get over it. So I would recommend talking to an expert about it/counselling if you are struggling to get over it.

I think as women we make pregnancy/labour/feeding and all of motherhood into a competetive sport sometimes and this is not healthy. We all do the best we can and there is very rarely a right and wrong way to do things!

Crosslegged Don't beat yourself up. Don't be sad. You did your best and have two healthy children.
My twins tease me about my Csection - Mummy was too posh to push.
Let me tell you the truth, shall I? As twin 1 was born the fused placenta would have pulled away from the uterus, leaving twin 2 brain damaged through lack of oxygen or even dead.
I chose an elective caesarean and went against all advice to have it. Afterwards my husband overheard the surgeon telling another one on the med team "Thank God she had a Section".
So I've got two healthy twin daughters aged 12 thriving.
Never say a Casearean is a bad thing - cos it's a life saver.
End note - fused placenta is quite rare so they put mine in the freezer to show med students!

mendip....Don't forget your own CD and plenty of flannels to relieve the itching after the spinal!! As well as vaseline for your itchy nose!!

OP I am slightly different to you in that I had a vaginal birth of my 4.25kg baby- had I been able to have a section I would have bitten their arm off! As it was it was the most horrific traumatic experience of my life and DD was oxygen starved and in NICU with suspected brain damage for a while afterwards (she is one now and fine but I will never get over her entrance into the world). I will never ever give birth vaginally again- I will be having an elective section if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant (just had an ectopic where I lost a tube).

You are totally allowed, justified and understandable to feel the way you do (I know I will feel odd having an ELCS next time without ever getting to experience a "good vaginal birth" but am reconciling with that slowly.....) but I thought knowing the possible flipside of the coin that happened to me with a similarly big baby might help?

Look after yourself. xxx

I totally agree with NorthernGobshite - where do we get these romanticised ideas of vaginal births from? I requested an ELCS - was refused - ended up with an EMCS - for which I literally thank God.

There are so many horror stories about all sorts of births, and the damage that some women receive to their bodies after a vaginal birth - I personally don't understand why anyone would choose to risk that.

Please don't think I am being sarky but I genuinely cannot understand why a vaginal birth is so important when the health of the baby is surely what matters? My baby was born with a serious medical condition (now sorted) so this is something I do feel strongly about.