Can any of you say honestly you are "over" your childbirth trauma? How long did it take!?

[Thandeka]

Had the most horrific vaginal birth experience which have seen psychologist, journalled, written lengthy complaint letter to hospital which was mostly agreed with by them that they were shit! I have talked about endessly but it still doesn't feel much better. Physically I am totally fine and mentally completely fine if I don't think about it but I accidently caught a bit of "one born every minute" last night and was in floods of tears. (That screamer last night was totally me and she had a good outcome!)

I guess partly its because DD's first birthday is coming up so its on my mind a lot because although I want to celebrate her there was absolutely nothing to celebrate about her birth and that makes me so sad. Also we are talking about trying for #2 now and although I am virtually guaranteed a section next time because of the trauma, there is a part of me that wonders if I should try again for a vaginal birth for a healing experience but then I am not sure I am strong enough.

Anyhow just some musings really. I know mumsnet friends who are 9years and 5years post their traumatic experiences and still not completely over it. I guess more time and maybe positive experiences with subsequent DC's will be healing but are there any of you who do feel like they have healed mentally the scars of a traumatic birth or is it something I will carry for ever?

Laulaulemon were you ever offered counselling? It sounds like you could really benefit from it as it enables you to talk through the events of your birth and your feelings about it in a structured fashion. You're also talking to someone whose job it is to listen and to 'make you better' so there's no feeling of guilt that you're wasting someone's time or making a meal of it or 'boring' people. All the fears that make us clamp our feelings down within us and soldier on. So much of being a mother seems about having a stiff upper lip and being grateful for what we've got but I think the two things can be mutually exclusive. Yes, I'm profoundly grateful for my daughters' safe delivery and health but it doesn't stop me being traumatised by their birth.

I had an horrific birth (emergency caesarean) with my twins. A lot of things went wrong both during and after their delivery and I ended up with cripping PTSD. No one picked this up and I did my best to hide it for a year. By the time their first birthday came around I was sick with fear - flashbacks every day, sweat-soaked at the awful memories. Their birthday to me that year was NOTHING about happy memories or the best day of their life. I just felt sick with flashbacks and profound sadness that my memories of their birth came down to this.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) really helped me come to terms with it. I was referred through my GP after a year so there is no time limit. Their second birthday was much better. Still a bit raw and sad and the memories were still there but it was much better. Likewise, their third was better still. Their fourth a few months ago was a totally different experience. I think my husband and I managed a wry joke about it, which certainly wouldn't have been possible in the year afterwards. I've made my uneasy peace with what happened to me. I'm sad at what I lost that day (and I DID lose something) but I've allowed myself to grieve for it and mourn it. I've allowed myself to understand that I'm entitled to feel angry and cheated and sad at what happened to me. Equally, their birthday is now a day of joy for me. It's their day - they get so much pleasure from it. And as they're now old enough to ask questions about the day they were born I find that I can easily and happily lie and say it was the best day of my life. I can also tell the truth and say that I was poorly on the day of their birth but that they are the best thing that ever happened to me.

It will pass. Time is a great healer but talking to a professional can be hugely helpful. Follow as many avenues as you need to - hospital debrief, CBT, writing a birth story. All of it helps.

Epic post. Sorry.

To those fearing a second birth, my experiences were worlds apart.
1st birth: 24 hours of non-progressive labour, 3 failed inductions, then coerced into an epidural (too knackered and confused to really understand what was happening), i couldn't feel anythign to push, baby just spinning, cord round baby's neck, resulting in erbs palsy for baby, episiotomy, which got badly infected, then stitches were found to be too tight and prevented me from having sex for a year afterwards, followed by a re-stitching...

yes, I can safey say I was a wee bit traumatised for a while :D

Then 2.5 years later, a nice, text-book born-on-due-date after 7 hours labour, bit of gas and air, nicely stitched up and healed!

LauLauLemon - That sounds pretty darn traumatic to me. Dont let anyone EVER tell you it wasnt. You lived it, not them!!

Can I ask a nosey question, coming to this thread late? I had a bad experience with my first birth, with repeated trips back to the hospital for various problems, long term issues with continence etc. At the time it was suggested that an ELCS would be offered second time around. It was a long time before I felt able to try again, but finally, I'm pregnant again. I went to see the GP, and didn't even manage to finish telling him why I was there before the tears welled up. He says that he cannot promise an ELCS, and that the hospital would probably view me as low priority because continence issues have largely resolved. He has referred me to a counsellor, and any decision about birth will be made on their recommendation. At the moment the thought of it make me cringe / cry. I come from a very 'stiff upper lip' family, where feelings were never really discussed. DH says that I am still a closed book to him in some respects. I can't imagine what a counselling session will be like. And I certainly can't imagine opening up to a total stranger about my most private of fears and emotions. Does anyone have anything reassuring to say? Do I need to be prepared to be more open that I ever would be? And how do you do that?

Having seen a counsellor many years ago I would say that it is nothing to be worried about. Just look at it like its seeing a different doctor. All you need to do is tell them what you told the doctor and what you told us. Print off your post and take that to them if you cant say it.

1 counselling session is not going to go into the deepest depths of your mind. It will be very basic and consellors are used to talking to people who are just like you.

Keep in mind that their recommendation is not the end of it. Even if they say there is no emotional risk to you (Which is VERY unlikely by the sounds of it) there are other avenues.

My ds's birth was traumatic in a very different way, I had severe pre-eclampsia and he had to be taken out by emcs at 34 weeks. He had respiratory distress syndrome and spent two months in hospital. Physically for me it was fine, although it took me quite a long time to heal, but I found the whole process mentally very difficult.

Anyway, I really wanted to say to the OP that around his first birthday was by far the worst part for me. I became obsessed by his birth and the time we spent in hospital, thought about it all the time, cried a lot, but didn't actually tell anyone about it (which in hindsight of course was silly, but I just felt a bit mad).

Things started to ease up around the anniversary of us taking him home, and although of course I still remember it and it makes me sad, it is far far less consuming than it was. Ds is now 4 and at school, and to be honest the older he gets the less a part of him it seems, iykwim. I also now have a dd who was born at term by VBAC (although still with pre-eclampsia!) which definitely helped. I still cry at the SCBU bits of OBEM.

Do hope you start to feel better about it soon. I can see lots of people on this thread have much better advice than me, as I basically did nothing about it! All I can say is I wish I had talked about it with someone. Hope your dd has a wonderful birthday and you manage to celebrate her first year without dwelling too much on her arrival.

I had counselling after the birth of DC3 which was a CSection under GA which turned into a hysterectomy (placenta praevia and accreta for those who like to Google).

According to my counsellor, under traumatic experiences the memory shatters into many pieces which is why we get flashbacks. The brain can't file the memory into long term so it stays in short term memory instead. The counsellor used a technique called EMDR which helped to file all the pieces back into the order they happened. It means I can talk about what happened on the worst day of my life without crying.

Previously I was very very hung up on the birth of DC1 which was also a GA EMCS but the counselling helped me to talk that through with my DP and lay those ghosts to rest too.

I'm a counselling convert having previously thought it was all a lot of old nonsense.

I choose not to watch OBEM, but I also don't watch fishing programmes or other subjects that don't interest me.

DD had her second birthday in November and I was far less troubled by traumatic memories than I was on her first. I still get strong emotions watching anything on TV involving birth so I avoid it completely.

What helped most of all was the arrival this June of DS via a lovely, calm, healing ELCS and since I always wanted two children I never, ever have to do childbirth again; and my symptoms and longterm continence issues are manageable and didn't get any worse after my ELCS. I wanted two children and wanted the second birth out the way as soon as possible to get past it. Once the physio and consultants had given me the all clear on my health to ttc again we did and were fortunate to get pregnant the second month so I have a 19 month gap.

My ELCS was agreed before I got pregnant, I had a letter from my consultant after my debrief for DD's birth saying he would approve an elcs for any future pregnancies if I wanted one. When my consultant was changed mid pregnancy the new consultant had to agree to that too, though she had no issue with it and in fact referred me to the maternity psychologist after I sobbed my way through my birth history.

I found the psychologist an enormous help and wish I had seen her a year before. I was able to work out what about the whole birth had been so traumatising and once I could see that clearly I was able to move forward to DS's ELCS much lighter.

workatemylife - the decision about your delivery does not lie with your GP. Please don't worry, as soon as I told my midwife about my first delivery she offered to back my request for an elective C section. Without me even asking her. GPs just aren't so used to dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic delivery (I could tell you some tales of the things that I was told...).

The counsellor will not expect to delve into the furthest reaches of your mind. I can understand that it will be difficult for you - it was extremely hard for my stiff-upper-lip husband to agree to go to counselling with me when we had fertility treatment - but they are a professional. It is their job to find a way to work with lots of different personality types and make things work for them.

I'm from the same kind of family, and it's not really a very healthy way to be. Most of the benefit from my counselling has been around the relationship I've now got with my other half. You'll honestly feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I would recommend it to anyone.

My GP reckons all new mums should have counselling as a way of easing them into motherhood.

I should add, my GP is fab.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Well in 9 months I have to get over it because found out this morning am pregnant.

BOLLOCKS! (though was kinda planned just never expected it to work first time! and since I work in sexual health I should know better!)

OMG Thandeka.....can i say congratulations?

I can say that my wonderful second birth healed my trauma over the first one, which was just a nightmare.

I had no. 2 at home because I was having panic attacks at the thought of going into hospital and reliving no.1. This was a risky strategy obviously because I could have ended up in hospital anyway.

My counsellor did EFT with me which helped incredibly to deal with what happened and the terrible panicky fear I felt about birth no.2, and in the end my home birth was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.

My friend who was in a similar situation found that her lovely, calm ELCS second time round also helped heal her previous traumatic birth.

So there is help out there, and a good second birth experience is entirely possible.

Thandeka. I really hope all goes well for you. I have lurked followed your story as I had a similar traumatic birth of my DD in October 09 although thank God without the potential brain damage which your DD suffered (my DD has a scar on her face which reminds me every day how I fked up her birth).

Anyway, my DH and I are now ttc no.2 after 15 months of soul searching and gradual physical and mental recovery. Your positive attitude which I've seen in all your posts over the last year-ish has really been an inspiration. You can do this! Congratulations on No.2 x

My traumatic birth was a long long time ago -followed by severe post natal depression which went undiagnosed so I was never really treated for it - mainly because I tried to cover it up.
It took me years to get over that but I believe that was because of the way the birth and after care were handled.

I wish I had talked to someone instead of trying to pretend I was ok.

I had a terrible first birth and got flashbacks for ages. DS was injured during the birth.
The thing the 'healed' me was a positive second birth.
I am now expecting my third

I can't watch OBEM either. My baby is 8 weeks now, so I know it's early days, but I feel very traumatised by his birth. I actually thought I was going to die. I was induced early, 36 hours in labour, had my waters broken artificially, emergency forceps, PPH lost 1.5 litres of blood, went into shock, had a retained placenta, episiotomy and 3rd degree tear. I didn't hold my baby for hours and was in theatre and recovery for hours. BF was a nightmare because of the birth and I had to switch to botle feeding at 3weeks on medical advice. I keep having flashbacks and feel very sad that the experience was so horrific. I don't feel I could ever have another child.

I haven't been offered any help/support at all from health professionals or midwives regarding my experience. If anything, they actively haven't spoken to me about it. The hospital haven't even offered me a 6 week check with their clinic.

It's so helpful to see that other women have learned to live with their birthing traumas and to see I'm not alone. Just writing this is making me cry and reading your stories makes me very emotional. I do hope we all manage to come to terms in our own ways, with our awful experiences. x

I was quite torn up over DS1's birth. Nothing really dramatic now in retrospect... had planned HB, maybe water birth, but got PE, then went to term + 14, started with regular contractions at home, which stopped when I got to hospital, had ARM, augmentation and epidural (they said I wouldn't be able to cope with the pain otherwise). Fastforward a couple of hours, and DS1 isn't agreeing with the drugs and started to get distressed. Clip was put on his head and blood samples taken. Not good results. Had a crash section, but luckily not with GA as they just topped up the epidural.

I was in bits for months thinking that DS1 had nearly died. V.distressed that I hadn't laboured properly.... Nearly had a nervous breakdown (really :() when a relation had a quick and easy birth six months later.

Two years later and heavily pg with DS2. Felt the only way to avoid the issues of DS1 was to be at home. MWs/Consultants not keen due to previous C/S. DS2 was diagnosed with kidney problems. Eventually got goahead for HB, bought birthing pool etc etc. Waters broke at term -6 on Sunday night, but labour didn't start. MW did a good sweep and took a swab. Fought to stay at home for 96h. Eventually on the Thu afternoon after nights of contractions amounting to nothing, the swab showed GBS. They said I had to go in for DS2's safety. I was devastated, but went in. My birth plan said no induction, it was HB or C/S. Changed my mind, and had induction. Managed without the epidural they said I had to have with DS1. Was in hospital from Thursday evening, and DS2 was eventually born on the Saturday evening. Induction (drip only) lasted 3 days. I was their longest ever, particularly significant since I was a VBAC. Birth was fairly horrendous... didn't dilate for ages, then told I'd have to have a c/s, then went from 3-10 in an hour, and pushed for over an hour to get him out. Ended up with severe episiotomy (I still remember the noise) , and DS2 was born. All seemed fine, then he crashed, and took several minutes to resucitate. He had to go to SCBU (worries about the GBS). I felt very very guilty that my insistance on the VBAC had meant such a difficult birth that caused him to crash, and there was a chance of later problems due to him not breathing for so long. :(

4.5 years later. All birth worries gone. Had some counselling, which was useful to an extent, but the PND was still fairly bad for the first year or so. Starting ADs after 4m was probably my turning point, and when a friend had a baby 7m after DS2 was born (easily at home), and it didn't break my heart, I knew I was over it. It was much quicker than with DS1, whose birth trauma only really went away when I managed a VB with DS2.

Looking back, and rereading my birth plan for DS2, I was possibly a little bit mad but I had to do everything I did to protect my sanity, and I don't really regret anything.

Good luck with number 2, I hope it provides the healing effect you're hoping for. DS2 certainly did for me, although he brought his own completely set of issues. :) It does get so much better with time.

Oh and BTW, I happily watch OBEM with my sister now who's trying for her first.

Well looks like that's that- "period" arrived tonight(a particularly painful one but not heavy yet) So was chemical pregnancy (prefer to think of it like that rather than MC at 5.5weeks- day 40 of cycle- testing positive since day 35- but cycles been longer since DD so fertility friend was telling me I was due today) at least I only had 5days to get used to idea rather than 6weeks like last time and it wasn't right time. Still a bit sad though as had started to be ok with it! Though had phoned mw today to find out procedure (moved to new area) but burst into tears on the phone to her (this was before period started) so clearly have some work to do before and during any future pregnancies. Bit worried birth trauma may be affecting me so badly it is caused beans not to stick- but that's daft right?

10 YEARS

DS1 was an appalling birth. Traumatic, lengthy and badly managed.

People kept telling me I'd "get over it". I still had flashbacks five years down the line. I had to have counselling before I would TTC DC2.

DS2 - amazing birth. Well-managed, wonderful midwives.... Painful - yes, but traumatic?? - no...

I just thought I would say I didn't find my birth traumatic but I did find my pg.

I had hyperemisis, thrombosis, expected ecropic, and I had to have weekly iron transfusions because I literally could not get out of bed without feinting. Most of my pg about 5 months was spent in hospital and I was very scared me and my baby would die.

I spoke to my gp and he gave me some advice on how to minimize the risk of such a bad pg again. Things like building up my iron levels before I got pg. Could you ask to speak to a doctor concerning your worries over giving birth? to find out what options you have.

I had a bad time with my first son (now 10) then a worse time with the next (now 4)! I am over it emotionally, but because at the time with my 2nd I felt, over the 7 weeks that I had problems, that midwives and doctors weren't listening and I didn't really know what was going on because everyone had a different opinion, I still get the urge to explain what happened, and need people to "believe me". I know it's weird, but one doc said my waters were leaking, then I spent 7 weeks being told they weren't (being spoken to as if I was hysterical and making it up, but I never said they were leaking, I was there because I was bleeding!) and because I had placenta previa, being told that i should come straight in if I had contractions, then being treated as if I was wasting midwives time when I did as I was told! It has left me with this urge to explain (you may have noticed!) and to make sense of it. Even the day of birth, my waters went with a huge gush, soaked the hospital bed, I made the midwife sniff it (sorry gross but true) to make sure I hadn't just wet myself cos I was worried I wouldn't be believed, then the doc drifts in, does a scan, says, no your waters haven't broken and you're not in labour the head is nowhere near the cervix. Except he was transverse, the hind waters had gone, and the cord had dropped down in front of him! Her boss came in, and I was in theatre 4 mins later. Drop in the huge blood loss, and the spinal wearing off before they stitched me back up, and I don't think I would ever do it again!

Sad as it is to read all these terrible stories it does make me feel a little better about my own traumatic birth.

My DS is only 3 months but I can honestly say I will never have another child and I will never forget or 'get over' his birth.

In as short as possible; went 2 weeks over due, went in for an induction and proceeded to endure 48 hrs of contractions, in which I only reached 4cm and waters wouldn't break. Also wasn't offered any real pain-relief.
Finally got sent to delivery suit where they broke my waters by force (and boy do I mean '-by force!-') and continued my induction with the hormone drip, all the while hooked up to monitors. After swearing I wouldn't have an epidural I ended up begging for one. It took them 5 attempts to get needle into my spine and even then it failed to do the job. Had to be topped up 3 times.
I was eventually paralised from the neck down when DS's heart-rate started to drop. They stopped and started the drip 4 times, each time his heart-rate dropped again. Doctors performed 2 fetal head scrapes before deciding to go for an EMCS.
I was so drugged up and so terrified. I desperatly -did not- want a CS but by this time I thought my baby was going to die and was surrounded by an army of paniced doctors.
I honestly had no idea what was going on when I signed the EMCS form.
DS was finally born fit and healthy thankfully but I couldn't hold him because of the effect the anesthetics had on me. I was then left in recovery for 5 hours with no further pain relief and no one to tell me what was going on.
Eventually got transfered to a ward but still couldn't move or hold DS. Midwives were no help whatsoever.

Anyway, after 3 days recovery and successfully establishing breast-feeding, we were discharged.

10 days later, chronic pain in my shoulder and chest set in. Got rushed to A&E with suspected blood clot on the lung.
I was an hospital for 12 days after that. Treatment comprised of 4 CT scans, 3 chest x-rays, 2 ultrasound scans, endless blood tests and internal exams and a regime of 6 different painkillers 6 times a day, topped up with morphine.
It wasn't till day 10 in hospital that they figured out I had an infection from the CS that had spread to my liver causing hepatitis.
I was finally released (after a 2 pint blood transfusion) home to my partner and now 4 week old son, still jacked up on painkillers and aural morphine, still in agony and unable to continue breast feeding.

I'm fully recoverd now. But, everything that could've gone wrong , went wrong. All my worst fears about child birth were realised. My biggest fear about having a CS was getting infected and even that happened!
I was treated like crap by the NHS at 2 different hospitals, mainly due to staff shortages.

Most worring of all, I thought I was going to die. My partner, my whole family thought I was going to die.
I spent every night in hospital alone, crying in pain, convinced I was going to leave my poor little boy without a mom. That thought will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I know that the chances of any of this happening again are tiny but I just will not take that risk. The anger I still feel will fade but the memories of the birth and all the pain won't.

OP - apologies if this is repetition, I haven't read the whole thread. 5ofus is right about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). This is a psychological therapy designed for working with trauma and flashbacks (good analogy about the mirror shattering BTW 5ofus - I use a different one but will be nicking that now!). Its not the only therapy for this sort of issue - CBT for PTSD is also good.

Its good to hear that you've seen a psychologist but my hunch from your DDs age is that it might have been too early for you to engage in trauma-focused work at that time (it can often take a while to be ready). Either that or the psychologist wasn't able to offer this at the time (you need specialist training, which not every psychologist is able to access), or your flashbacks may not have been so apparent if it was soon after the birth - PTSD is not usually diagnosed until some time has elapsed since the event.

I would suggest that you either contact the psychologist again, or go back to your GP and explain that you are still very troubled by flashbacks and would like to access trauma-focused therapy. Using these terms means you're more likely to get pointed in the right direction. So sorry to hear you and others posting have been through this and I wish you the very best in trying for your 2nd.
HTH