Can any of you say honestly you are "over" your childbirth trauma? How long did it take!?

[Thandeka]

Had the most horrific vaginal birth experience which have seen psychologist, journalled, written lengthy complaint letter to hospital which was mostly agreed with by them that they were shit! I have talked about endessly but it still doesn't feel much better. Physically I am totally fine and mentally completely fine if I don't think about it but I accidently caught a bit of "one born every minute" last night and was in floods of tears. (That screamer last night was totally me and she had a good outcome!)

I guess partly its because DD's first birthday is coming up so its on my mind a lot because although I want to celebrate her there was absolutely nothing to celebrate about her birth and that makes me so sad. Also we are talking about trying for #2 now and although I am virtually guaranteed a section next time because of the trauma, there is a part of me that wonders if I should try again for a vaginal birth for a healing experience but then I am not sure I am strong enough.

Anyhow just some musings really. I know mumsnet friends who are 9years and 5years post their traumatic experiences and still not completely over it. I guess more time and maybe positive experiences with subsequent DC's will be healing but are there any of you who do feel like they have healed mentally the scars of a traumatic birth or is it something I will carry for ever?

Thanks MrsTittlemouse- I hope your ongoing gynae stuff resolves. I was lucky in that respect in that I healed very well (apart from an infected stitch at 10 days post partum which resulted in me crying on the phone to labour ward at 2am (as you have to call them to get post natal midwife care) which was almost as bad as the labour as couldn't move without it being agony!)

I recently made friends with an awesome lady who has a 3 month old. She is a midwife and has already said she would be with me at my next birth which would be completely awesome but still not sure I can do it!

DH was fab first time but we both went with whatever the HCP's said. I know he slightly wants me to go for a VB next rather than ELCS but he will support me whatever I decide. Think we would both be more assertive next time and having my midwife friend as a birth partner would be amazing (though she had an incredibly positive first birth experience- (at home with no drugs too!) so am not entirely sure she gets where I am coming from but she is wonderful and I would feel so much better if I knew there was a professional on my side (big issue about last time was being left on my own a lot with DH and in agony)

Thandeka - I had a nightmare labour resulting in Emergency CS with DC1. Had an elective CS for DC2. It was beautifully calm and recovery was much quicker. DH and I both felt calm and in control.

That is awful. I am glad both you and dd physically recovered well.

If positioning and control were major factors in the bad birthing experience it may well be that you would have a better experience a second time round. First time Mums to be rely very heavily of what they are told where as second time round you will have more confidence in your own opinions and feel more able to voice them.

There is a list of risk factors for what happened to me. I ticked quite a few on that list (I found out later, and was completely unaddressed and unwarned at the time). A previous experience is an added tick on that list so I would be at a greater risk of a repeat performance if I tried again. Hence my certainty that I would not risk a vb again. That is not necessarily the case with you so please dont let my opinions unduely influence you.

What bibbety and gnome said- a good 2nd birth (elcs) has helped me immensely, and time of course.

I was anxious about the birth 2nd time round throughout the pg, but the experience was so different to first time round- made a huge difference to those first few weeks.

Oh and watching OBEM is half therapy half sadism for me. Its painful and emotional for me to do but I still do it! Mainly because I was so unaware of what was going on at the time I am anxious to see what it should have been like.

BTW- My first question was "It is a girl isnt it" despite me having no preference eitherway, we had found out iduring the scan and I was worried they were wrong. This was during them, i believe, trying to make sure she was breathing! I had no sense at all of how badly wrong it had gone until I was told later.

Hi. I'm really sorry you had such a shit time. I had a traumatic vb with DD and this year.was the first year that I didn't cry on her birthday. She was four this year. It can take a while so give yourself some time. I'm still angry about what happened and still have not been able to face having a second child even tho I want one. I just can't go through it all again. I'm still struggling with the physical injury all this time later and as I couldn't guarantee they would offer cs I dare not try again.

Gynae issues are heaps better now, thank you. :)

Sounds as though you have good support, whatever you decide. There are a lot of stories like mine on MN (in fact, part of the reason why I went for a VB was because I had read of the scar-stretching effect on MN), and there are a lot of very positive elective section stories. :)

My second birth pretty much 'exorcised' the horrors of my first birth.

First birth was long labour ending in emergency section. Second birth was a lovely, serene, hassle-free elective section which was honestly the best day of my life.

I don't feel anything more than a smidgen of wistfulness (is that a word?) when I watch straightforward vaginal births on programmes like OBEM. It was a different story a couple of years ago, I can tell you.

I hope you can start to move on soon, OP. I think what 'helps' is differnet for everyone. Good luck!

BBT - Is there no way you could talk to your GP before TTC to get some reassurance that an ELCS would be offered on both physical and psycological grounds.

I have tocophobia and so I found everything about pregnancy & DD's birth traumatic. I stopped getting flashbacks when DD was about 3 and a half and I do feel over it now (she's almost 8). But by 'over it', I mean that I've managed to stop thinking about it. If I think about it then I still feel horrible. So hopefully in time you learn to accept it as a horrible thing that happened and you manage to stop thinking about it. Hugs to you!

Oh, another one who had an ELCS with subsequent birth and that was sooooo much better. Lovely, in fact.

Wow, Riven. That is so, so hard to live with. It's hard to hear you say that it is 'your fault', too, because it isn't . But obviously it is completely natural that you feel that way . When I had my second child, the lady in the bed next to me had a similar experience - very bad shoulder dystocia, baby was deprived of oxygen and was, as a result, physically and mentally disabled.

That is a whole other level of 'trauma', really, isn't it? It certainly puts my trauma into perspective.

Thandeka, I have nothing to add and no experience, but just feel I need to say how sorry I am for you to have had such a terrible birth experience. I am sure I've read about it on other threads. And I am very glad to hear that is looks like your LO is fine .

Maybe you could look forward to your DD's 1st birthday as a celebration of her life, rather than as a reminder of what you went through at the time?

Riven, .

Lots of voices on this thread saying it gets easier to deal with but never completely over it :( I suppose its something to be dealt with as part of the fabric of life? Sigh.

Riven as you know my DD was HIE too (although not as severe as your DD's) and I totally get what you mean about feeling like it is all your fault- but really it isn't. Unfortunate combinations of circumstances lead to the situations and I guess we need to work hard on believing that for our own sakes?

Pacific- that is an excellent way of doing things (I was even thinking about celebrating her birthday on the 15th Feb as day we were released from hospital) but your way is more sensible.

Do you think that I could get a guarantee about a cs? If I had another?

And riven it is NOT your fault. I'll bet there were a million things that contributed to your experiencewith DD and they are not your fault. X

BBT-I dont know but its gotta be worth asking? When I asked my consultant if I could request a cs he left me feeling like it was a certainty that I could. But I know this is not the case in all areas.

His actual words were "Yeah we'll section anyone if thats what they really want" - Dont flame me as I know others have a really hard time requesting and ELCS but these were the words of my consultant, in my area.

She won't care what day you chose to celebrate, will she? Certainly not this year, she won't..

Alternatively, you could get your DH/family to celebrate your strength and resilience of having got through it - birth trauma apart, it is only since having DSs that I do sometimes think the mother should be remembered/celebrated at kid's birthdays .

I had ok-to-excellent deliveries and even allowing for that I think the statement 'you forget about the pain' is just shit nonsense - I have not forgotten and I did not have a particularly hard time of it.

Hopefully all our DCs will make it worthwhile is their own unique ways !

And yes, birth traume is on reason to consider an ELCS next time round. If there is one...

Well it is worth a try. I've been yearning for another but I'm so afraid.
You are right pacific she won't mind what day.

My consultant said ELCS wouldnt be guarenteed but was a possibility but I have a letter from my psychologist that says- give this woman WHATEVER she wants! So now I just need to make up my mind what I do want.

What I actually want is for the human race to evolve to the point that babies are tickled out by fairies.

Thandeka- please don't feel so sad about 'never getting over it' - your DD is still very young, and our bodies are programmed to forget, it just takes time, and obviously more time in cases where it has been a traumatic experience.

DD's manner of arrival is a big part of who she is, and the fact that we almost lost her meant our bond with her was fierce and burning right from the start. Our experience brought us together, so close in a way I could never have anticipated. We had a very difficult first year with her, and I'm sure that had her arrival not been so difficult I would have resented her/my life with her- it sounds completely trite, but what we went through to get her kept me going through even the darkest days- yes I had PTSD to a degree, but it never developed into PND, which I am very glad about.

aww that had me in tears CaptainNancy- that's lovely.

I feel about DD slightly differently- my midwife friend commented how calm I was with DD (when she choked on some bread) and I just feel that I am calm with her (recent hospitalisations for croup and dislocated elbow) because you can't get much worse than her start so whenever there is a mini drama like choking, or illness etc- it doesnt phase me I just deal with. I guess thats one good thing about whole experience- I don't panic.

I completely adore my DD but I do worry about how my feelings around her birth impact on my relationship with her- I felt a certain distance from her almost to keep myself safe incase anything happened and I know in the early days I was blaming everything (poor feeding, poor sleeping, irritability etc on her birth and didnt want that to manifest into when she is older eg. letting her get away with stuff because she had a difficult birth.

Ask this isnt very coherent and I probably sound a bit of a cold fish! Don't get me wrong would jump in front of a bullet for munchkin! Its just amazing how much a 12 hour experience (in my case) can affect you so much and in ways you never expected.