Can any of you say honestly you are "over" your childbirth trauma? How long did it take!?

[Thandeka]

Had the most horrific vaginal birth experience which have seen psychologist, journalled, written lengthy complaint letter to hospital which was mostly agreed with by them that they were shit! I have talked about endessly but it still doesn't feel much better. Physically I am totally fine and mentally completely fine if I don't think about it but I accidently caught a bit of "one born every minute" last night and was in floods of tears. (That screamer last night was totally me and she had a good outcome!)

I guess partly its because DD's first birthday is coming up so its on my mind a lot because although I want to celebrate her there was absolutely nothing to celebrate about her birth and that makes me so sad. Also we are talking about trying for #2 now and although I am virtually guaranteed a section next time because of the trauma, there is a part of me that wonders if I should try again for a vaginal birth for a healing experience but then I am not sure I am strong enough.

Anyhow just some musings really. I know mumsnet friends who are 9years and 5years post their traumatic experiences and still not completely over it. I guess more time and maybe positive experiences with subsequent DC's will be healing but are there any of you who do feel like they have healed mentally the scars of a traumatic birth or is it something I will carry for ever?

I wish I had felt like that captainancy I had terrible trouble bonding with DD. It took me almost a year and that is something I have not been able to het over despite counselling. It still makes me sad now

I had a very traumatic birth with my DS1 and I think that it has affected my relationship with him as after the birth I was in a bad way for a while, also due to PND which was probably set off by the birth. Maybe I resented him for the way I had changed. I had terrible flashbacks and nightmares for a few years after the birth, but went on to have my DS2 3 years later. I was terrified of the birth but went on to have a great birth experience, probably because I knew more about what was going on. It was also a lot less painful.

I had a traumatic birth with my ds and was diagnosed with PTSD when he was just over 2, having spent those two years dealing with very regular flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks and agoraphobia, all of which made it very difficult to seek help.

His first two birthdays were horrible to be brutally honest and I suffered many flashbacks and panic attacks in the days surrounding his birthday as I relived the experience.

Ds is now 2y10m and I managed to seek help and get therapy about 6 months ago. It has made an amazing difference to my life and I no longer live with the constant feeling of fear which I had previously.

Having said that, the idea of watching OBEM is totally abhorrent to me. I certainly have no plans to put myself or my family though the experience again. So although I think I have dealt with the experience and no longer suffer from the overwhelming PTSD, there are still things that I am not able to deal with and will take a lot longer than 3 years to fade in my memory.

Meant to add: I know that I felt little other than obligation towards him for the first 2 years and tbh thought that I would never really bond with him or grow to love him. Since the therapy however, it is as though all of the feelings of fear which consumed me have been replaced with feelings of love for my son. It is as though there wasn't room for love as the space was taken up with the fear.

I feel sad that my ds never knew his mothers love for all that time but all I can do is try to look forwards. I can't change the past.

I also find that the more people I talk to in rl about this, the more I find that they too have had horrible births. I was really really angry for ages because I had been sold the idea that childbirth was an easy natural process and that all would be fine and that I would immediately feel this rush of love for my child that would help me forget all the pain. This was bullshit. I felt like a complete failure because I was not able to push DD out on my own. I also think I was in shock after the birth and this should have been addressed in the hours immediately following but nothing was done. I lost quiet a lot of blood and had loads of stitches. I should have tackled the hospital about it at the time but I was to dazed then and too depressed in the months that followed.

I wish I had been on MN at the time as I could have talked about it here and heard about others. I didn't discover MN until DD was nearly 3.

Jeez writing this has made me realise how angry I still am...........

The thing is Zachsmama, your DS will have no idea that you felt like that and will never need to know. I would never tell DD unless she was going through the same thing.

Thanks BrokenBananaTantrum. I know. And I have a small group of close friends who remind me of that. But it still makes me sad.

And I understand what you mean about being angry.

Thandeka, I wrote to my consultant before we started TTC No.2, explaining everything and asking for a ELCS. He wrote back and said yes. So you could try writing to your consultant and attaching the letter from your psychologist.

That's a good idea thanks Pass the twiglets. thanks. We have moved areas since but it would help to know in advance rather than at booking in appointment.

Hello I also had a horrendous birth and even just thinking about it now makes me feel tearful and panicky, my dd is nearly 5! So def not over it, I ended up - after a 4 day labour - having an emergency c.section. The worse part for me was when one of the drs tried to take a blood sample from my yet unborn dds head, I can only compare it to feeling like I was being raped. I feel that the experience did and still does effect my dd. When she was finally born she had breathing difficulties and was in scbu for 6 days. She went on to be a very sensitive baby, a very sensitive toddler and now a very sensitive child! She is wonderful and I love her so much but do believe that the trauma of getting her into this world has had a lasting impact on both of us.

Girliefriend there is a book called "the sensitive child" I can't remember who it is by tho. If you look on amazon you might see if you think it will help. My sister has just got to help her DS. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible time.

I worry that if I had another child, and all went ok and I bonded with them easily if this would make me feel even more guilty about DD.

BrokenBanana

I'm so glad you said that. I've often thought the same and it's one of the reasons that I don't want another child.

I can't tell you how good it feels to know that someone understands what that feels like.

My dd will probably be an only If I did have any more children I would def opt for a planned c.section with an epidural (stupid spinal wore off way too quickly!)

thanks zachsmama I've never expressed this to anyone in RL as I always thought that peope wonder what I was on about and not understand. it is nice to know that there are other people who know what its like and don't go but it makes me sad too that others go through this shit.

Is it just the fear of the birth girlie?

Is it the fear of the birth girlie? Or the afterwards as well?

girliefriend, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. I just wanted to say that I was in a long labour too and the doctors also similarly took a sample from the baby's head whilst in labour, it was a fetal head scrape and from that they test the levels of oxygen in the baby's bloodstream to establish how the baby is faring.

I wondered if it might help to think of it in those terms, that it was performed to help your baby? It is a lifesaving action. Although it was uncomfortable and undignified(having a team of people huddled round your nethers whilst you look on from the pillow end, is very disconcerting!) I tried to think in terms of it being best for the baby (which it was) and it was reassuring when the result came back to say the oxygen levels were fine.

Perhaps it helped in my case that I had a very jolly doctor performing the procedure, and I had been with the same key MW for the hours before, so I felt more relaxed that I might have done otherwise. It is great that you have a lovely healthy DD and that's the future, all those happy years with her, not the few days it took to get her out. I think too much emphasis is placed on the birth, it's the life afterwards that really count. Kind wishes xx

Both BrokenBananaTantrum and unfort the blood test they were trying to get did not work. I was not prepared in anyway for how awful it was and also weep through obem but it is slightly cathartic in a way! My dd is gorgeous and wonderful and I am grateful every day that I have her but it does make me feel sad that her entrance into the world was such a traumatic experience. xXx

I know what you mean girliefriend. When I look at DD now I'm amazed by her :)

I don't know if this is reassuring to anyone, but we had a second child, and our second child is more laid back, and our feeling around her birth were very positive - to be honest, she gave us back our marriage in some ways, by stretching the scar tissue so that I could have pain-free sex, and also by dealing with the issues of DH (very understandably) screwing up during the first delivery. But we love her just as much as our first daughter. And we love our first daughter just as much as her.

She is much more easy going than our first (which statistically is typical of second born children anyway), but she also has a massive temper, and is clingy and stubborn. She is an individual. Her sister is more sensitive and can be difficult to handle, but is very caring and imaginative. They are both individuals.

I can completely understand the guilt, by the way. I had a shitty postnatal doctor's appointment and broke down in front of DD1 when she was about 6 months old - something I swore I would never do. I was stressed for months that I had damaged her in some way. Even more than that, I was worried that the tension in our marriage would "infect" her somehow (completely over now and feels like a horrible dream when I look back). But she is fine. I had a very similar horrendous birth, and it was suspected that I had permanent damage for a short while after birth. But I am also fine.

It's not a brand for life. :)

No not over it 6 years later

Would not dream of watching OBEM, try to avoid hearing other womens birth stories. Have never discussed it with anyone . Could not even post about it now and didn't read certain posts on this thread

Am fortunate to have no physical effects of it now and not aware of any long term damage to child

Thandeka
What happened to you sounds horrific and it certainly seems like you should receive some counselling.

However I would try my hardest not to let it colour your daughters birthday. She's 1 its a happy day and should be celebrated

My dc1 is 7 and I would say I'm over her birth - it took a long time though. I think her first birthday marked the beginning of not reliving the birth constantly. I had dc2 and dc3 in less than 4 years - so my need to have more dc was stronger than not to give birth again.

With dc2 I was monitored very closely and it made me feel that I wouldn't get into the same situation as with dc1.

Every birth is very different but no matter how many times I was told this and no matter who said it - I didn't believe it until I experienced them. All 3 were completely different. From dc1's 24 hours of hell to dc3 about an hour from start to finish (after wards I said I wouldn'd mind doing that again )

Enjoy your dd - and I hope you too can now start to move on.

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience with your birth. I don't know how to help because I'm currently experiencing the same thing only my birth isn't considered traumatic by anyone I know or have spoken to.

I gave birth at home due to a completely unexpected labour. I had four hours of sporadic, mild contractions in my back and I thought it was due to the fact I had diarrhoea. I was on the toilet and even after I had been to the toilet I felt like I needed to push with every pain so I'm on the toilet, completely silent so as not to frighten DD1 and DH and I'm clinging on to the sink and the toilet while pushing. I thought I was done so I got off to go into the living room and ran straight back with another pain. I wiped and noticed a lot of blood and told DH to phone for an ambulance immediately since I was 38 weeks gone and we have no car (public transport on a Sunday in our area is abysmal). DH was on the phone with the paramedic and the paramedic told him to move me into the living room on the floor where, surprise, surprise, DH could see the head. The midwives and paramedics just made it in time, labour was intense, pushing hurt more than anything I've ever experienced in my life and to make matters worse DD1 who is 2.8 and DH were there watching while having diarrhoea and vomiting themselves. So...DD2 was born on the living room floor after just an hour and a half of labour.

I then had a tear and a retained placenta that was completely stuck and despite having to go alone into hospital due to the illness of DH and DD1 and despite an hour of trying to manually remove it in the hospital with no pain relief, I still ended up in theatre with my most feared spinal block and having to have it removed that way. I felt so alone and abandoned but I know there was no way DH could have been there while ill.

DD2 is six weeks old now and while physically I feel fine I keep feeling the need to rehash the labour details with DH and everyone who will listen which is not only tedious for them but is also getting tedious for me. I feel if I don't talk about it I'm going to burst into tears whenever I think about it.