I feel very disappointed by my second birth experience.

[beatie]

I don't seem to be able to shake the feeling of disappointment and thought it might be cathartic to type my experience out here.

When I had my first baby I was induced early. It was fast and intense and painful but I was left feeling so proud of myself, walking around on cloud 9 for weeks afterwards. I also held the midwife in some goddess-like status since she was so lovely and did everything she could to adhere to my birth plan.

Fast forward to last week when I had my second baby and I have none of those feelings, I just feel disappointed. I had none of the BP or growth issues throughout this pregnancy that I had with my first, so assumed that I'd not need to be induced.

I planned a water birth, in a different hospital to where I had my 1st baby. This baby was overdue by 10/11 days. At one point induction was talked about and that upset me but then my community midwife assured me the hospital still allowed a water birth provided induction was done by ARM or the gel pessaries.

My community midwife had also told me that if I did not get the birthing pool or the 'home from home' room and ended up in one of the more clinical rooms, I could rearrange the room, put the mattress on the floor, push the bed out the way and use bean bags and birthing balls.

So, there was never ever a reason for me to suspect I'd end up stuck on the hospital bed. But that's what happened.

I went into labour at 11:30pm and rang the hospital at 2am wondering if I should go in. Contractions were 5 minutes apart. The midwife stalled me and said to have 2 paracetamol and a bath and wait an hour. By 2:45 contractions were 3 minutes apart and so we headed in for 3am.

By the time I got into a delivery room, contractions were 2 minutes apart. It took 20 minutes for a midwife to come to the delivery room. Me and DH were left alone all that time. I had to keep sending DH out to ask when I'd be checked and contractions were then one minute apart.

The midwife came and she was frosty from the start. I had to get on the bed to be checked, of course, and the midwife declared me 6cm. I got the entonox but contractions were coming one on top of each other and there was no way for me to communicate anything with the midwife... I did not take that mouth piece out of my mouth.

DH mentioned that we'd wanted the birthing pool. The midwife said she thought it was in use. Well, what were the odds of that when they have less than 2 water births per week?! The midwife added "Anyway, it is round the corner so I would not be able to check on you easily"

I'm guessing the water pool room was free really. The 'home from home room' was also round the corner and we weren't offered that. It was made pretty clear I was staying there. We found out afterwards that 3 of us delivered babies within 10 minutes of each other. We think there were only two midwives between the three of us. The midwife kept leaving us. There was no encouragement from her and no warmth. DH had to go out and chase up water for me, he had to help me change position and move pillows and try to hear what I wanted between contractions. I don't think she even skim read my birth plan.

She was extremely curt and condescending. She may have been having an off day, she may have been irritated that the labour ward was caught off guard with 3 fast labouring women arriving at once, but none of that is my fault and I did not deserve to be treated like I was an inconvenience.

She told me off for using too much gas and air "Leave the gas and air and just push into your bottom" I was really scared of pushing as it hurt so much last time and I told her that. Words of encouragement might have been nicer rather than being told off like a naughty school girl.

She was irritated that I did not want continual monitoring "Well, I'll have to listen in every 15 minutes!" said curtly.

After my gorgeous baby was delivered I felt very cold and exposed. I was quite uncovered on the bed and no attempts were made to make me comfortable. None of the lovely hormones or adrenalin kicked in like it did the instant my 1st baby was delivered and I was still having painful contractions. When she checked me I'd torn again and she didn't let me use the gas and air whilst she stitched me - still quite uncovered.

When this baby did not suckle at my breast instantly (which I did not see need to stress about), she was one of those people who grabbed my boob, uninvited, and tried to get it in the baby's mouth. I sat there getting so stressed and hot and irritated but couldn't find the words to tell her to go away and leave us in peace.

My DD is gorgeous and so healthy, I feel so blessed. And I know there was nothing physically traumatic about her delivery into the world but it has left me feeling so disappointed. The midwife was there in body but she was not there in spirit and I feel she ruined what should have been a great experience.
I'm not sure how to make myself feel better about it.

I should add I delivered at 4:48am - so 1 hour 48 minutes after arriving at the hospital.

So sorry to hear about your experience, some of it sounds like my first labour being told to have the bath and 2 paracetamol!!! being told I wasn't in active labour and I was making a fuss!

My after birth experience was horrendous too being left in stirrups blood oozing from me for what seemed like ages whilst every man, woman and dog had a look to try and determine how to patch me up. Because of this I'm hoping for a homebirth this time, I know this is going to sound a bit selfish but I want a midwife there with me all the time devoted to just me not running about after 3 other women.

If I were you I would write to the hospital detailing your story, I also know in some hospitals there are people you can talk to about horrid birth experiences, I'm sure someone who knows a bit more will be able to offer some better advice.

Lastly many congrats on the birth of your DD.

Oh Beatie!! What a horrible midwife - your poor thing. After all those months of looking forward to a lovely birth experience, it was taken away from you by this witch of a woman!.

I had my fourth baby last May and my experience mirrored yours almost identically. I went into hospital with contractions every five minutes, but was left in the Waiting Room with my dh for 30 minutes, in pain, before anyone came to take us to the Delivery Room - no apology!.

I was then continuously monitored (despite what I'd asked for), we were anxious as I didn't understand the numbers the machines were showing and dh couldn't get a midwife's attentions to reassure us.

My midwife told me too, to leave the gas and air alone and push into my bottom!! I told here I was just biting the damm thing not breathing it! I just wanted to punch her!

My ds was eventually born, (with her shouting at me not to shout and just push). He was whisked away as he'd breathed in meconium {sp], it seemed like an eternity before they told me he was OK). Another lovely midwife came in then (OH WHY DIDN'T I HAVE HER TO LOOK AFTER ME?). She told me that I'd given birth with the bloody monitor still tightly wrapped around my stomach) - I'd told the witch midwife that it was hurting me, but she just left it!.

I've suffered with postnatal depression after all my children and thought that this birth experience might start it off again, but happily I've been fine.

I did complain to my G.P. and community midwife, who couldn't apologise enough for the way I'd been treated.

I truly hope this horrible experience won't affect your happinness with your baby, but I would hope that you at least complain to your G.P. or maternity hospital - a letter of apology may make you feel a little better!

Wishing you lots of happinness with your family

Beattie - Although this was awful for you, you were only there 1hr 48mins before you delivered, so perhaps there wouldn't have been time for a water birth!

At the end of the day you have a beautiful and healthy baby. Thats the main thing..... and you shouldn't let some crabby midwife get to you like this!

I'm not actually that upset about not having the waterbirth - although I do know of two people who arrived at their midwife-led units only an hour before delivery and were still able to deliver in the birthing pool.

Beatie -... only if its available though! The one thing that is guaranteed about birth is the unpredictability of it. The more you plan, the more scope there is for being disappointed.

This midwife was a bitch.... but its over and you have a healthy baby to focus all the attention on..... instead of letting this brew up inside you.

Writing a letter is a good idea for your own satisfaction, but I don't think it'll be followed up. Many midwives attitudes will probably be "We delivered the baby safe and well.... both Mum and baby were healthy. So why all the issues now".

I had a terrible time with my 1st delivery. I was constantly monitored against my wishes and spoken to like a spoilt child. I was pissed off and still moan about it now.... but I wouldn't go as far as to say it ruined it for me!! How could it?? Ds was born healthy.... regardless of how nasty the midwvies were to me.

Does your hospital have a birth trauma unit? You may not have had a physically traumatic birth but they do also help women with other negative issues arising out of birth. Also, it would be a good opportunity to put the boot in about that awful midwife. A friend of dh's is a midwife and I have been horrified at some of the things she has come out with and her cavalier attitude to the women she "helps". I only wish people would complain about her!

But that's how I feel I'm sure the feeling will disappear over time, but I can't help feeling like this. It has helped to write it out here though and also to know others have felt the same.

I might ask my community miwdife about the midwife who delivered my baby and find out if it was uncharacteristic of her.

Beatie, I wonder if you were in transition when you arrived at the hospital? I know that when I reached that stage with my 2 births I was extremely sensitive to the people around me, particularly the midwives.

Not making excuses for her lack of kindness but it appears from your birth story that there may have been understaffing issues?

Hope that this experience recedes over the next few weeks as you enjoy your baby son, I always believe all births are traumatic in some ways even if you get the exact type of delivery you want..

Definitely write a letter to the chief executive. You can't blame the hospital for the fact that your birth didn't go as you'd hoped, but you can ask that the MW's attitude is addressed. Things like your being aware that she was inconvenienced by your refusal of constant monitoring, you being told not to use G&A during stitches, being left uncovered on the bed, and the boobgrabbing are all fairly grim. Did DH feel she was well out of sorts, too?
I wrote a letter to the chief executive of my hosp following a bad incident in my antenatal care, and got a great response. Very cathartic. Felt able to get over the incident, knowing that other women wouldn't be going through something similar.

I think I was near to transition - yes. However, DH has commented on the midwife's manner without my prompting him, so I don't think I was being over-sensitive.

Can anyone tell me if it is usualy for you to see your notes after the delivery. I saw my delivery notes last time... they were with my antenatal notes and I had them in my possession until I was discharged from the community midwives. This time, in a different health trust, I didn't see anything.

I'm sure that you weren't being over-sensitive beattie, attending my second birth was a midwife much like the one you describe. My labour wasn't as advanced as yours at that time and she went off duty, to be replaced by a fantastic lovely one. I actually feel that my labour progressed slowly with the unkind one because I didn't feel comfortable with her. I delivered about 20 mins after the nice one came in!

Sorry to hear that you're not happy with proceedings.

Thing is - it's all very well for people to say that there may be staffing issues, that the baby and mother are healthy etc and that's all that matters - but unless women complain about substandard care, how can anyone expect an improvement in maternity services??

You can't improve this woman's mood, but she paid no attention to your dignity. Grabbing your breast is bad practice, as is stitching you without pain relief (did you have anything??). If she didn't read your birth plan, she could easily have done something for which she didn't have consent.

If they were so short staffed, what would have happened if the sh*t had hit the fan and something had gone wrong with one of these fast-labouring women...?

I'd write the most cathartic letter to the chief executive you can manage. That way no one in the trust can say that their practice is fine, because no one's complained about it...

yes RedZuleika, all those things were bad for beatie but some of us are trying to make her feel better by reminding her that these things do fade in time.

I'm sure they do fade in time. I'm just suggesting that another way to feel better about it is to savage the Chief Executive. Each to their own.

Maybe next time this Midwife may treat a labouring woman with a bit of respect if you write a letter.

I know how a badly managed labour can affect you emotionally so I do hope you write a letter. I wish I had done but I was too depressed to do so. Maybe it's not too late.

Congrats...

To say my birth experience was ruined is perhaps too strong a word and maybe my high expectations are what led me to be disappointed.

I think the things I'm most annoyed about that could have been different were to be told to wait an hour to come into the hosiptal. If I'd gone in that hour earlier when contractions were 4-5 minutes apart, I'd have been able to chat to the midwife and helped her to understand what was important to me.

I'm equally annoyed that on arrival it took 20 minutes to be seen by a midwife. I was still managing contractions through breathing and again, could have communicated some of my wishes.

I think I may write a letter but not name names. It's not the midwife's fault if they were short staffed and my and DH's opinion of her is subjective.... she did what her job remit says and delivered a healthy baby to a healthy mother.

I did get a local anaesthetic before my stitches but those shots stung like hell and I felt the pull of the sticthes too - so entonox would have been appreciated here.

I'm suprised that the midwife did the grabbing boob thing. Another one did it down on the ward too. The hospital where I delivered has WHO Baby Friendly status so I'd have expected them to be more sensitive towards breastfeeding mothers.

If I ever do this again I'll definitley opt for a home birth.

I'm obviously still upset by the way she spoke to me and my DH but I'm not sure how that can be addressed.

beatie, sorry this has happened. i had a horrible birth too earlier this year. i tried to forget about it, but found that i was brooding and couldn't talk about it without becoming tearful. i was encouraged to complain by the community midwife, who also referred me for counselling. i found the act of complaining so cathartic i haven't gone for counselling (although i can at any point in the future). a friend of mine had a very similar experience to me 5 years ago, tried to put it behind her, but still can't talk about it and is not having any more children.

the head of midwifery apologised, which was nice, but just telling them how i felt really sorted me out. there sould be a patient advisory unit attached to your hosp who will help - mine spoke to me on phone and made complaint on my behalf, so not too hassly and you can get on with enjoying your baby.

sorry rather long, but just do whatever you need to in order to feel better.

good post, fishie

beatie have only read your first post so sorry if am repeating but i think you have every right to feel incredibly disappointed and wounded by this experience. midwife means 'with woman' and i think it is an extremely intimate role that used to be take up by a woman known to the labouring mother to be....in labour you are about as vulnerable as you'll ever be in life, same goes for straight afterward and to be snapped at, not listened to or encouraged and 'told off' beggars belief imo.

i'm so sorry that this woman is trying to do a job that she seems in no way fit to perform tbh. she doesn't really deserve the name midwife imho.

you'll get past this though and it's great that you have enough perspective to acknowledge the wonder of your baby.

i'm so sorry you were treated like this.

Beatie

Total symphaphy - both my labours were more ordels and enjoyable in any way - I'm going to see my midwife next week who is going to 'councel' me about the experience - which means I'll cry for an hour - but should get closure - not having any more kids!!!

I have a feeling I'll start crying if I try to talk to my Community Midwife about it.

That would probably do you a whole lot of good tbh beatie.

I had a similar feeling of disappointment and let down with my 1st. MW was in and out - we hardly saw her, they changed shifts without a mention. MW openly rowed with the consultant in front of us over him being unwilling to help despite my pushing for 3 hours and my contractions had gone. My DP was left to mop up me and the room after the birth because no one bothered to help. I was expected to move myself from the delivery bed to the trolley one after having had an epidural with 3 boosts because it didnt work properly (MW didnt believe me on that score either) etc etc etc.

The whole experience was reversed with my DS (although i thought it was off to a bad start when after finally going down from ward to have waters broken the midwife assigned to me complained that she had just walked on shift and wasnt supposed to be deliveries that day but they have moved her around and that she was going to get home really late now because of me).

HOWEVER, after that she was brilliant, informative, encouraging - she stayed with us the whole time (if only to eat biscuits and drink coffee with my DP). The birth was quicker, she made me feel much more in control and was brilliant. I was disappointed that she had to go a 20 minutes after he was born because i was left with a somewhat stroppy lady to deal with me.

I do sympathise with you, and talking about it helps. Complaining in writing certainly wont do you any harm.