I feel very disappointed by my second birth experience.

[beatie]

I don't seem to be able to shake the feeling of disappointment and thought it might be cathartic to type my experience out here.

When I had my first baby I was induced early. It was fast and intense and painful but I was left feeling so proud of myself, walking around on cloud 9 for weeks afterwards. I also held the midwife in some goddess-like status since she was so lovely and did everything she could to adhere to my birth plan.

Fast forward to last week when I had my second baby and I have none of those feelings, I just feel disappointed. I had none of the BP or growth issues throughout this pregnancy that I had with my first, so assumed that I'd not need to be induced.

I planned a water birth, in a different hospital to where I had my 1st baby. This baby was overdue by 10/11 days. At one point induction was talked about and that upset me but then my community midwife assured me the hospital still allowed a water birth provided induction was done by ARM or the gel pessaries.

My community midwife had also told me that if I did not get the birthing pool or the 'home from home' room and ended up in one of the more clinical rooms, I could rearrange the room, put the mattress on the floor, push the bed out the way and use bean bags and birthing balls.

So, there was never ever a reason for me to suspect I'd end up stuck on the hospital bed. But that's what happened.

I went into labour at 11:30pm and rang the hospital at 2am wondering if I should go in. Contractions were 5 minutes apart. The midwife stalled me and said to have 2 paracetamol and a bath and wait an hour. By 2:45 contractions were 3 minutes apart and so we headed in for 3am.

By the time I got into a delivery room, contractions were 2 minutes apart. It took 20 minutes for a midwife to come to the delivery room. Me and DH were left alone all that time. I had to keep sending DH out to ask when I'd be checked and contractions were then one minute apart.

The midwife came and she was frosty from the start. I had to get on the bed to be checked, of course, and the midwife declared me 6cm. I got the entonox but contractions were coming one on top of each other and there was no way for me to communicate anything with the midwife... I did not take that mouth piece out of my mouth.

DH mentioned that we'd wanted the birthing pool. The midwife said she thought it was in use. Well, what were the odds of that when they have less than 2 water births per week?! The midwife added "Anyway, it is round the corner so I would not be able to check on you easily"

I'm guessing the water pool room was free really. The 'home from home room' was also round the corner and we weren't offered that. It was made pretty clear I was staying there. We found out afterwards that 3 of us delivered babies within 10 minutes of each other. We think there were only two midwives between the three of us. The midwife kept leaving us. There was no encouragement from her and no warmth. DH had to go out and chase up water for me, he had to help me change position and move pillows and try to hear what I wanted between contractions. I don't think she even skim read my birth plan.

She was extremely curt and condescending. She may have been having an off day, she may have been irritated that the labour ward was caught off guard with 3 fast labouring women arriving at once, but none of that is my fault and I did not deserve to be treated like I was an inconvenience.

She told me off for using too much gas and air "Leave the gas and air and just push into your bottom" I was really scared of pushing as it hurt so much last time and I told her that. Words of encouragement might have been nicer rather than being told off like a naughty school girl.

She was irritated that I did not want continual monitoring "Well, I'll have to listen in every 15 minutes!" said curtly.

After my gorgeous baby was delivered I felt very cold and exposed. I was quite uncovered on the bed and no attempts were made to make me comfortable. None of the lovely hormones or adrenalin kicked in like it did the instant my 1st baby was delivered and I was still having painful contractions. When she checked me I'd torn again and she didn't let me use the gas and air whilst she stitched me - still quite uncovered.

When this baby did not suckle at my breast instantly (which I did not see need to stress about), she was one of those people who grabbed my boob, uninvited, and tried to get it in the baby's mouth. I sat there getting so stressed and hot and irritated but couldn't find the words to tell her to go away and leave us in peace.

My DD is gorgeous and so healthy, I feel so blessed. And I know there was nothing physically traumatic about her delivery into the world but it has left me feeling so disappointed. The midwife was there in body but she was not there in spirit and I feel she ruined what should have been a great experience.
I'm not sure how to make myself feel better about it.

I have my notes and I think they definately helped me after a very traumatic birth. Even now I sometimes think about a part of it and refer back to them, they have been very useful. You should try and get hold of yours.

sorry to hear avout your awful experience. but glad to hear that you and baby were at least safe and healthy.

i think it is so awful when midwives are like you describes, i mean its there job to make your birth as easy and as comfortable as possible, and even if she was having a bad day that was not your fault and if she can't do her job properly no matter what her mood then maybe she shouldn't be doing it. its there professional responsability to be bale to cope in all circumtances and deal with pressure. i would like to know if she's had any children and how she'd feel if this had happened to her, but people don't think like that they just think of themselves and as long as they are ok the stuff everyone else. as you can propb tell things like this really wined me up.

beatie asks for some advise to make her feel better and the people that have come on here and stuck up for them and said she was being too sensitive (toothache and cam) thats not very helpful you are just gonna make beatie feels like its her fault and that she is to blame for feeling like this.

anyway i think you should write a letter even if to just make yourself feel better.

hope you feel better soon and enjoy your baby, take care beatie xxx

I think cam said that she wasnt being over sensitive in one of her posts, and toothache agreed that beaties mw was a bitch. We are all sympathising and advising best we can, we just all have our own ways of doing it, and i think we have all done it. Please dont turn Beaties thread into a scrap, she needs sympathy like you say.

Beatie this is for you ((((((((hugs)))))))))

Beatie
Sorry you didn't get the birth experience you were hoping for
You can ask the hospital for a copy of your notes and you have up to 6 mths to write and complain
I complained about my treatment during and after delivery and feel much better having done so

Matthewsmummy - I don't think any of my posts or Cams were contentious and there wasn't an issue as far as I can see.... but you seem to want to turn this into some petty squabble which I'm not going to get dragged into!

Thanks Vicki!

Matthewsmummy, no-one has stuck up for the nasty midwife, some of us were just attempting possible explanations (NOT justifications) to make Beatie feel better (and for her not to take the mean midwife personally).

All of our posts were intended to be supportive of Beatie.

When you read this beatie, don't think I am putting you down or anything nasty. I mean this as a way of consoling you after your disappointing experience.

I felt similar to you after I had ds1. I had such a dreadful time with him, it made me frightened for all my other births although they were all of them nothing like as bad as the first. Anyway, I too had a horrible midwife who made me feel so small and spoke to me very rudely. For ages afterwards, I felt if I ever met her in the street, I would punch her in the face! (of course I wouldn't, but she made me feel that bad). I cried a lot immediately after the birth. I suppose it was hormone nduced but I felt it was a reaction to the horrible experience I had had. Anyway, although I was scared of having a similar experience again, I went on to have three other children and I now do not feel the same anger or disappointment that I originally felt. By all means complain if it will help you to get over it, but otherwise, time will be a great healer.

You have a lovely new baby. Congratulations!

beatie, my 1st labour/birth experience was horrible. midwife had no respect for me or my wishes. i had to be induced, and a drip was set up. she made me lay down the whole time and it hurt, tens didnt work, gas and air didnt work. had an epidural, only worked down one side. midwife didnt listen even tho i was waving one leg up in the air, the other one i couldnt move at all. she stiched me up afterwards with no pain relief at all as i 'had had an epidural' even tho i gasped when she cleaned me up with freezing cold water. The ladies who come in afterwards to give me a bed bath gave me more respect than the old witch of a midwife. midwofe was also a boob grabber. i suffered bad PND after dd1, and i still feel a lot of this had to do with her birth.

i was induced (ARM) with dd3, even tho they wanted to do continous monitiring once contractions had started, i was able to move about the room, and felt more in control. this was at a different hospital as i will never go back to my local hospital to give birth if i can possibly help it. the whole hospital has let my family down many times in the last few years, i just dont feel that we will be taken care of there.

if i knew then when dd1 was born what i know now, i;d be firing off a letter to get some answers. having 2 great births with dd2+3 afterwards did help me.

Thanks everyone for your support. I took all posts as being supportive and some just looking at things from a different perspective.

I hope I won't continue to dwell on this for too long but I really, really needed to type this out and share it as it has been on my mind since last week. I think obtaining my notes could help. Perhaps I would start to relive it differently in my head.

I will certainly make a complaint about the being left waiting before I was first checked, the boob grabbing (another midwife did it on the postnatal ward - but the rest of the staff on the Postnatal ward were fantastic and being left alone when I was close to delivery.

I may talk it over with DH tonight and see what he remembers a week on.

Yes I think the notes will help.
Sounds like you're thinking along very sensible lines there.

And sorry not to say this sooner but Many Congratulations!

Beatie, if you decide to write a letter, send one to the Supervisor of Midwives & cc it to the chief exec. That shows you want answers. They will act upon it, I'm sure. You can request counselling if you think it'd help. I understand you may not feel ready just yet, but give it some thought. It may give you some closure. I wouldn't be surprised if this MWs colleagues think she's a bitch too.

It's no wonder MWs have such a bad reputaion in hospitals. Don't get me wrong, the vast majority are caring & compassionate, but there are some who harm the profession. I used to be a MW & I'm now back in nursing, but I really sympathise with you. Part of the problem is that labouring women are vulnerable - they can't always speak up for what they want. It makes you wonder why we bother with a birth plan at all.

I have been analysing this further. I think I feel let down because I believe my care was compromised by the short staffing. I don't have proof that there were 2 midwives between 3 women in establised labour but lots of things point to that. Is there anyway I can find out? How common an occurrence would this be? Is it normal? Am I crying over spilt milk?

Beatie - I s'pose they just never know whats going to happen.... but I don't think its right or the norm (I HOPE!!).

When I went into labour with dd I was given the choice of any of the 7 labour rooms as the whole department was emtpy! But the time I gave birth a few hours later the place was heaving! Shortly after I was stitched I was told "Sorry, but you're going to have to get up now coz we need the room!" I was really pissed off about it, but in hindsight their must've been some poor woman standing in the corridor waiting for some pain relief.

I don't know how you could find out how many were on short of looking at the work rotas and the records of who gave birth at the same time. But I've no idea how you could get your hands on that info!

Yes - it's probably farily uncommon in a delivery unit with 7 delivery suites for 3 women to deliver within 10 minutes of each other.

If you write to the hospital you can ask them how many women were in labour and how many midwives were on duty at the time of your delivery

I am sorry to say that 2 midwives to 3 women doesn't sound that bad to me. At my hospital there were 17 women on the delivery ward with 7 midwives. DS was delivered by a student midwife on her own.

I don't think they're allowed to do that! (A student deliver a baby alone).

When I did 'the tour', I asked about average staffing and was told one midwife to four women. I mentioned this in passing to a doctor friend of mine who works in the north of England and she was appalled.

RZ - With both my babies the only mw present was a student midwife (2nd baby the student midwife was amaaaaaaazing!).... until I was ready to deliver, then a real midwife came in and supervised. I certainly didn't have a midwife to myself so she must have been jumping around different women.

If that's the case I wish she'd just pi*sed off and left us to it then until I could feel a head! One thing worse than no-one present is someone negative, cold and pre-occupied.

lol Beattie - That probably would've been better for you!!
I remember when I went for my 1st ever scan with my 1st baby. I was SO excited/nervous/terrified all rolled into one! The radiographer was a total cow to me... I was 3 minutes late so first of all she said I'd have to arrange another appointment.... then she huffed and puffed and finally said "Oh I might as well get it over and done with now". She was nasty, abrupt and really made me feel like a complete annoyance to her. I left the scan room and burst into tears.

I always meant to write and complain but never got round to it. When my 20wk scan came along it was the same woman! I was really disappointed, but she was absolutely fine with me that time. Must've just got her on a bad day, but they don't realise how much their bad moods affect people.

If I was you, I'd get in touch with the head of midwifery at the hospital and ask for a meeting to discuss your care and go over your notes.

I think that staffing issues are present at loads of hospitals these days as there is a shortage of midwives.

But you definitely have a right to be treated better than you were - and if you say something now, it might prevent another woman in the future having cold treatment from this midwife.

Do talk to your community midwife too.

And congratulations on your DD! Try not to dwell on her birth too much - it's really hard when it's so fresh in your mind, but don't get sucked down into going over and over what was bad about it - take that and discuss it with the head of midwifery.

I went and spoke to the head of midwifery after I'd had DS to go over their lamentable lack of breastfeeding support. Initially she hedged and said it must've been agency staff who'd treated me so badly, but when she saw my notes, she realised it had been her staff and she promised to do a reflective session re feeding with them and reevaluate their breastfeeding support. One of the things I brought up was the (wo)manhandling of my boobs by the one person who came to "help" be bfeed.

Good luck with it.

I would write the letter too. I had a horribly traumatic birth with ds1. I was told it was all OK as he was well, but afterwards I found out from my notes that so many things had gone wrong... his heart rate had dropped but the Consultant wouldn't attend as my blood test results had been lost (it was a weekend, they were low staffed- So? Not my problem I am afraid). My whole first PG was badly manged though, to the extent that when I had post delivery issues (a fit, to be precise!) I was toos cared to tell them.

I did have perfect birth experiences (albeit very different- one very long deliery, one quick) with my other sons though, so I do truly believe the with midwives are in the minority.

After DS1 was borm the midwife came with to discuss the birth with me, saying 'You're glad you didn't get an epidural and c-section now, of course!'. I was really shy back then, but I looked her in the eye and said 'No I'm not, it was awful'.

Five years on, DS1 has SN and a variety of health issues, I am sure at least some are traceable to the mismanaged labour.

So chat, complain, do whatever YOU need to to get through this. They might ignore your letter I suppose, but they also MIGHT use it as staff deelopment which can only be .

this might help?

I must be in the minority about not minding my breasts being (wo)manhandled then! It never bothered me.

Although, have to say, it was by HV who had come round after 4 weeks of very painful feeding (turned out to be thrush & mastitis). With my 2nd child.

I was more conscious about the fact she was getting covered in milk as i had v v good let down reflex. She wanted to make sure right attachement and DS wouldnt open his mouth wide. Mainly because it just physically wouldnt open that wide.

Anyway, I wasnt even offended when she looked at me sat in chair with nork slung out and said "you wont need a cushion/pillow to prop him up will you......!"

Must just be me!

Do agree that some midwifes are stroppy though and have bad attitudes. When i was in and out having my BP monitored prior to DS's birth i had one that told me off for laughing in the monitoring ward with my DB. (No sleeping women or babies in this antenatal ward btw). There was another that bit my DP's head off because he complained that id been kept waiting from 11.00am to 9pm for outpatient blood results and no-one had bothered to make sure id received food since it was likely i was being kept in. He was told to go get me takeaway.
One MW was complained about by the mum of a 16 yr old who had given birth and was desperately trying to b/feed and had been kept in 3 days to try and do it. MW had said to the mum in front of her daughter "she's only 16, she's just not going to be able to do it is she".

beatie I am SO sorry to read about this. Brings back many horrible memories of my 1st birth experience. Sorry havent read the whole thread but DO write to the hosp and DO mention the mw's attitude. I wrote a long letter following DD1's birth and included details of exactly what the Midwife From Hell said to me and how she behaved. Didn't name names but they'd have had a record of who it was anyway. Got a long and detailed apology including a commitment that the mw in question would be sent for communication skills training. What she needed was more like a personality transplant but it did make me feel better that they'd taken my (perhaps subjective) experience seriously. For the sake of your own feelings and the future experiences of others, I'd urge you not to omit this - don't be bullied into thinking that the emotional welfare of the mother is not part of the midwife's concern. My mw did a perfect job of delivering DD1 safely but left me severely traumatised and deeply angry. Midwifery should not work this way.

Hugs to you beatie, and many congratulations.

Beatie, if you write a letter & include dates/times then they'll know what the staffing was like at the time. Unfortunately, the unpredictable nature of delivery suites means they can be empty or heaving. Having said this, it is no excuse for this MW's behaviour. I'm sure you'd have understood if she'd explained how busy the place was.

If you do go ahead with this, not only will they have to look at this woman's manner but also the staffing levels (if they were a problem). Nurses & MWs are always complaining of poor staff levels but the management do nothing. We always (discreetly) encourge the patients to complain about issues like this, in the hope that bosses will take more notice.

Good luck with everything!