I feel very disappointed by my second birth experience.

[beatie]

I don't seem to be able to shake the feeling of disappointment and thought it might be cathartic to type my experience out here.

When I had my first baby I was induced early. It was fast and intense and painful but I was left feeling so proud of myself, walking around on cloud 9 for weeks afterwards. I also held the midwife in some goddess-like status since she was so lovely and did everything she could to adhere to my birth plan.

Fast forward to last week when I had my second baby and I have none of those feelings, I just feel disappointed. I had none of the BP or growth issues throughout this pregnancy that I had with my first, so assumed that I'd not need to be induced.

I planned a water birth, in a different hospital to where I had my 1st baby. This baby was overdue by 10/11 days. At one point induction was talked about and that upset me but then my community midwife assured me the hospital still allowed a water birth provided induction was done by ARM or the gel pessaries.

My community midwife had also told me that if I did not get the birthing pool or the 'home from home' room and ended up in one of the more clinical rooms, I could rearrange the room, put the mattress on the floor, push the bed out the way and use bean bags and birthing balls.

So, there was never ever a reason for me to suspect I'd end up stuck on the hospital bed. But that's what happened.

I went into labour at 11:30pm and rang the hospital at 2am wondering if I should go in. Contractions were 5 minutes apart. The midwife stalled me and said to have 2 paracetamol and a bath and wait an hour. By 2:45 contractions were 3 minutes apart and so we headed in for 3am.

By the time I got into a delivery room, contractions were 2 minutes apart. It took 20 minutes for a midwife to come to the delivery room. Me and DH were left alone all that time. I had to keep sending DH out to ask when I'd be checked and contractions were then one minute apart.

The midwife came and she was frosty from the start. I had to get on the bed to be checked, of course, and the midwife declared me 6cm. I got the entonox but contractions were coming one on top of each other and there was no way for me to communicate anything with the midwife... I did not take that mouth piece out of my mouth.

DH mentioned that we'd wanted the birthing pool. The midwife said she thought it was in use. Well, what were the odds of that when they have less than 2 water births per week?! The midwife added "Anyway, it is round the corner so I would not be able to check on you easily"

I'm guessing the water pool room was free really. The 'home from home room' was also round the corner and we weren't offered that. It was made pretty clear I was staying there. We found out afterwards that 3 of us delivered babies within 10 minutes of each other. We think there were only two midwives between the three of us. The midwife kept leaving us. There was no encouragement from her and no warmth. DH had to go out and chase up water for me, he had to help me change position and move pillows and try to hear what I wanted between contractions. I don't think she even skim read my birth plan.

She was extremely curt and condescending. She may have been having an off day, she may have been irritated that the labour ward was caught off guard with 3 fast labouring women arriving at once, but none of that is my fault and I did not deserve to be treated like I was an inconvenience.

She told me off for using too much gas and air "Leave the gas and air and just push into your bottom" I was really scared of pushing as it hurt so much last time and I told her that. Words of encouragement might have been nicer rather than being told off like a naughty school girl.

She was irritated that I did not want continual monitoring "Well, I'll have to listen in every 15 minutes!" said curtly.

After my gorgeous baby was delivered I felt very cold and exposed. I was quite uncovered on the bed and no attempts were made to make me comfortable. None of the lovely hormones or adrenalin kicked in like it did the instant my 1st baby was delivered and I was still having painful contractions. When she checked me I'd torn again and she didn't let me use the gas and air whilst she stitched me - still quite uncovered.

When this baby did not suckle at my breast instantly (which I did not see need to stress about), she was one of those people who grabbed my boob, uninvited, and tried to get it in the baby's mouth. I sat there getting so stressed and hot and irritated but couldn't find the words to tell her to go away and leave us in peace.

My DD is gorgeous and so healthy, I feel so blessed. And I know there was nothing physically traumatic about her delivery into the world but it has left me feeling so disappointed. The midwife was there in body but she was not there in spirit and I feel she ruined what should have been a great experience.
I'm not sure how to make myself feel better about it.

Hi Beatie, I could have written the title to this thread as I feel exactly the same. I wasn't allowed to come into the hospital as they were too busy, even though it was my second, he was born an hour and a half after I got there. There was no midwife there when he was born only a student and an auxiliiary nurse, although when he wasn't breathing plenty of people appeared. I got kicked out of my room after an hour, I had to wait hours for pain relief after the delivery, I was bullied by midwives, the ward was filthy, I could go on. My GP told me to contact the patient liason service, which I did and she advised me to make a formal complaint. She also told me to ask questions in the letter about why the things that went wrong did go wrong, for example, why did no one come when you pressed the buzzer etc. I've written my letter, which is several pages, but it has taken me the nine weeks since ds2's birth to finish it as everytime I think about it I get upset and when I read it back now I get upset, but I'm dtermined to complain to try and stop it happning to other women. This was my second child, but if it had been my fisrt I don;t think there would have been another and they need to realise that and they won't if I don;t tell them.

Good point about the positives. When I talked my birth story through with DH after DD1 was born, he brought up a whole heap of things that I'd somehow omitted - happy, beautiful things. That helped me a lot.

I still have a copy of the letter that DH wrote to our hosp. It got a very positive response. If it'll help at all I'd be happy to email it to you. Just CAT me.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Franch - thankyou - I'll try and CAT you today. A copy of your letter would be very helpful to give me a starting point.

If there were only two midwives between three women can you imagine how stressful that must have been for them??? Perhaps one of the mums had a condition that you didn't know about and needed a little extra attention. With my last two children the mw wasn't even in the room when I pushed their heads out. Even though this was not my ideal I didn't let it affect the whole experience. I am sorry that you found the experience disappointing but hope that in a few more weeks you may look back on it in a different light.

Yes, but isn't it courtesy to let someone know why they're leaving you alone and to perhaps apologise.

I'm not an unreasonable person and really didn't need the midwife there all the time but when someone flits in and out of your room and only brings a negative attitude in with them, then there's a problem.

And, it's not unreasonable to expect someone to meet you in the delivery ward on arrival and find out if you need pain relief, especially when you've rung in to say you're coming in and contractions are 3 minutes apart.

I was a little shocked when I read mymama's message. One the one hand, I'm glad not having a MW present when heads were pushed out hasn't spoiled the event for you. However, it is simply unacceptable for the MW not to be present at that moment. How the hell was she able to ensure you didn't tear or that the cord wasn't tight around baby's neck? Obviously, not knowing the full circumstances makes it difficult to understand why she wasn't there, but if you're in a labour ward (as opposed to home) then she should have been present. I would have complained quite strongly.

Ditto karmamother. On a personal level, if one of those midwives were my friend, I'd sympathise with her stressful day - but in Beatie's situation (or that of any other labouring woman) it really isn't her problem to worry about the sensibilities of the staff on duty. If you go into hospital, you expect a certain level of care. To be left completely alone makes a mockery of all the scare-mongering and abuse that surrounds trying to arrange a homebirth (perhaps not for everyone, but I'm speaking from my own experience).

One might be happy not to be attended at the moment of delivery - but that's only going to be the case if nothing went pear-shaped.

karmamother my 3rd child did have the cord wrapped tightly around the neck and thankfully everything turned out okay. I did tear but I chose that as my preference for all three births over being cut. As I said it was not my ideal but in the end I had a healthy baby and was very thankful I didn't need other intervention. The obstetrician should have been at both births but didn't get there in time, so I blame him if anyone. TBH just grateful pain had stopped!!!!
Even in private hospitals here (oz) there would only be one or two midwives to 3 labouring mums. With such an undpredictable business they can't foresee the number of "clients" for the shift.

beatie I do feel for you because of the negative impact is has had on what is supposed to be a very precious and exciting event. I hope that you can move on in time and perhaps one day it will be a story to tell your child!

Don't worry, I will be able to move on. It's not affecting me on a day to day basis and I know people who have suffered a lot worse. I just wish I was able to tell a truly positive story of my second daughter's birth. I have easy, quick labours. I just feel like I was a prime candidate for a positive experience.

beatie whatever the staffing levels you have the right to be treated with respect and kindness when you're at your most vulnerable. Don't forget to CAT me if you'd like me to email you my letter.

It's just been on the news about the fact that this country is currently down on mw by average 3%. Some areas such as London are around 11% . I really can't fault my local trust on my pregancy side & at my dd birth 5 months ago a mw was with me the whole time. I even allowed a student mw as I believe that they need to get experience somewhere and it means more mw's qualified.
Your experience sounder horrible and I would strongly advise you to complain. The British (in particular) are not eager enough to complain and I think thats why we sometimes end up with the crap service we receive. You need to let your local trust know of your experiences to allow them to look into it and to hopefully improve.
From my experience not everyone goes through a birth like you did (and I hope I never have to experience it either). Take from this a positive note and the fact that your next birth hopefully will be completely different.
Like you said although the birth wasn't traumatic it was still a nasty time for you and especially when you are in a very vunerable state. It may be best to get some councelling as this may allow you to bring up your concerns in more depth with someone. They may also be able to put your mind at ease about possible future births? HTH.. Good luck.....

mymama, if I'd been on my own at the point of delivery I would have been absolutely (and quite rightly)petrified. Particularly as I gave birth to dd2 standing up. In fact once it became known that I was not going to get on to the bed I had about 5 people in the room, with the main mw crouching down on the floor underneath me with her catching glove on.

Catching glove? Is that like a baseball mitt...???

It sounds trite but this is why i decided i wanted to train as a midwife when my DD and DS finally go to school. After my first birth experience I wanted to make a difference and be the kind of midwife to people that i wanted to have, instead of being snapped at and talked to like your an idiot/fussmaker etc, being left on your own enexplicably, have procedures etc done and made to feel like it was necessary or not even asked if thats what you wanted.

All women should have the birth experience they want as far as their and their baby's health allows. Especially since we are encouraged to give birth in hospital.

Lack of staff is not an excuse in most cases IMO.

Redzuleika that is exactly what it looked like, I remember thinking that at the time and wanting to laugh but I couldn't as my teeth were firmly clamped to the mouthpiece of the gas and air

Cam I had my children through the private hospital system in Oz (cost me thousands) and believe it or not most obstetricians only let you deliver on the hospital bed. I personally didn't mind as I have quick painful labours that are too quick for any drugs and just want to hug the bed and bite dh's hand anyway. I think our systems differ greatly. We don't really have many homebirths and waterbirths, and birthing centres are only in capital cities (also limited too). We stay in a few days to a week and may have a mw visit at home after birth once or twice if requested. There are no mw home visits before birth as far as I know.

Midwives do an amazing and wonderful job - at their best they are some fo the most caring and professional people out there who give so much care, expertise and time to almost complete strangers. At their worst they can cause so much hurt and distress, even put lives at danger. You can have an off day in an office and be a little moody, cause no lasting damge or upset, but as a midwife an off day can lead to all sorts of problems.

Beattie - if writing a letter will help you feel more in control and happier about what happened (which sounds truly awful) then I hope you find the courage and strength to do it well. I stopped talking about my ordeal because I thought people were bored/embarrassed of me "moaning" about it when I should be chatting about my wonderful baby and how she was the light of my life and so buried the hurt. It all came out in the end - my first labour had humiliated, scared and frightened me beyond belief thanks to uncaring and cold mw (similar story re absence, doors wide open, hurried/rough exams etc). Make sure that you deal with it fully or it could come back and haunt you later. I wish I had counselling at the time - but not the sort of person to do that IYKWIM.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience basketcase. I'm probably able to cope better with my experience because it was my second child and as I said in my first post, my birth experience with my first baby was so wonderful and positive and a lot of that can be attributed to an amazing midwife. I know how fantastic the majority of midwives are. On enquiring about the hospital midwife, my community midwife gave the impression that this was not just an off day the hospital midwife was having.

Something strange I remember is after I had a bath and changed, the hospital midwife seemed more calm and happy and she said to me "Oh, you look so different!" I have no idea what she meant by this comment. What a strange thing to say. Had she made a judgement about me based on the kind of clothes I'd worn into the delivery room and the due to the fuss I was making when she first examined me that made her treat me in a certain way? I will never know the answer to that but her comment baffles me.