I feel very disappointed by my second birth experience.

[beatie]

I don't seem to be able to shake the feeling of disappointment and thought it might be cathartic to type my experience out here.

When I had my first baby I was induced early. It was fast and intense and painful but I was left feeling so proud of myself, walking around on cloud 9 for weeks afterwards. I also held the midwife in some goddess-like status since she was so lovely and did everything she could to adhere to my birth plan.

Fast forward to last week when I had my second baby and I have none of those feelings, I just feel disappointed. I had none of the BP or growth issues throughout this pregnancy that I had with my first, so assumed that I'd not need to be induced.

I planned a water birth, in a different hospital to where I had my 1st baby. This baby was overdue by 10/11 days. At one point induction was talked about and that upset me but then my community midwife assured me the hospital still allowed a water birth provided induction was done by ARM or the gel pessaries.

My community midwife had also told me that if I did not get the birthing pool or the 'home from home' room and ended up in one of the more clinical rooms, I could rearrange the room, put the mattress on the floor, push the bed out the way and use bean bags and birthing balls.

So, there was never ever a reason for me to suspect I'd end up stuck on the hospital bed. But that's what happened.

I went into labour at 11:30pm and rang the hospital at 2am wondering if I should go in. Contractions were 5 minutes apart. The midwife stalled me and said to have 2 paracetamol and a bath and wait an hour. By 2:45 contractions were 3 minutes apart and so we headed in for 3am.

By the time I got into a delivery room, contractions were 2 minutes apart. It took 20 minutes for a midwife to come to the delivery room. Me and DH were left alone all that time. I had to keep sending DH out to ask when I'd be checked and contractions were then one minute apart.

The midwife came and she was frosty from the start. I had to get on the bed to be checked, of course, and the midwife declared me 6cm. I got the entonox but contractions were coming one on top of each other and there was no way for me to communicate anything with the midwife... I did not take that mouth piece out of my mouth.

DH mentioned that we'd wanted the birthing pool. The midwife said she thought it was in use. Well, what were the odds of that when they have less than 2 water births per week?! The midwife added "Anyway, it is round the corner so I would not be able to check on you easily"

I'm guessing the water pool room was free really. The 'home from home room' was also round the corner and we weren't offered that. It was made pretty clear I was staying there. We found out afterwards that 3 of us delivered babies within 10 minutes of each other. We think there were only two midwives between the three of us. The midwife kept leaving us. There was no encouragement from her and no warmth. DH had to go out and chase up water for me, he had to help me change position and move pillows and try to hear what I wanted between contractions. I don't think she even skim read my birth plan.

She was extremely curt and condescending. She may have been having an off day, she may have been irritated that the labour ward was caught off guard with 3 fast labouring women arriving at once, but none of that is my fault and I did not deserve to be treated like I was an inconvenience.

She told me off for using too much gas and air "Leave the gas and air and just push into your bottom" I was really scared of pushing as it hurt so much last time and I told her that. Words of encouragement might have been nicer rather than being told off like a naughty school girl.

She was irritated that I did not want continual monitoring "Well, I'll have to listen in every 15 minutes!" said curtly.

After my gorgeous baby was delivered I felt very cold and exposed. I was quite uncovered on the bed and no attempts were made to make me comfortable. None of the lovely hormones or adrenalin kicked in like it did the instant my 1st baby was delivered and I was still having painful contractions. When she checked me I'd torn again and she didn't let me use the gas and air whilst she stitched me - still quite uncovered.

When this baby did not suckle at my breast instantly (which I did not see need to stress about), she was one of those people who grabbed my boob, uninvited, and tried to get it in the baby's mouth. I sat there getting so stressed and hot and irritated but couldn't find the words to tell her to go away and leave us in peace.

My DD is gorgeous and so healthy, I feel so blessed. And I know there was nothing physically traumatic about her delivery into the world but it has left me feeling so disappointed. The midwife was there in body but she was not there in spirit and I feel she ruined what should have been a great experience.
I'm not sure how to make myself feel better about it.

Beatie - If you're still around - you must try find out if your hospital do 'post match analysis'.

At my hospital, it's called 'afterthoughts' and is simply one of the midwives who works in a semi-independent way to help you understand why things might have happened in a particular way, perhaps help you make sure they don't happen if there's a next time. She came to my house, must have been here 1 1/2 or 2 hours, explained things in the notes that were jargon/acronyms/we'd no hope of understanding on our own. I did cry and that was OK!

Like you, I had a crappy mw on a busy labour ward, who was hardly ever there and very uncaring, things like 'it will hurt, she's in labour' when my dh told her I wasn't coping well with the pain (if she'd bothered to show me how to use gas and air properly, then to notice that it had run out, or to examine me and find out that baby was op - seethe....)I ended up with a very healthy baby after a c/s. Afterthoughts helped me to understand how I could have helped the process - and with ds2 I did those things and had a vbac.

I wish I was brave enough to complain about mw with ds1 though - I simply knew that if she walked into delivery room when I went in having ds2, I'd have to walk out!

I spoke to DH about it last night and he says I must complain. He used words like spiteful and terrible experience so at least I know it wasn't just me remembering it wrong. He found it particuarly distressing that we waited 20 minutes to see a midwife whilst my contractions were almost on top of each other and I was in need of pain relief. He reminded me that all the while our door was open and we could hear casual conversations going on with staff offering each other cups of tea! Perhaps they were nursing staff but still!

He hated leaving me to twice have to go and ask for someone to come and check me.

My community midwife is coming soon so I am going to raise the question with her and see what she says.

If I do complain, what sort of letter do I write?

No post match analysis then? Might be a bit less confrontational than going straight in to the complaint. And might help you work our what to complain about - attitude of mw? understaffing? practice/procedure at the hospital that didn't work for you?

I'd talk to the community midwife about it. Ask her how to go about arranging an appointment with the head of midwifery. Say you'd like a chance to talk about some of the things that happened at your birth - it doesn't need to be confrontational.

My general policy with complaining is to be quite confrontational - which I appreciate is not everone's approach - but the question is whether you want to feel better, or whether you what to achieve something (or indeed will achieving something make you feel better). That is, what do you want to gain from discussing what happened. Meeting with the head of midwifery might answer some questions, but will it achieve anything in terms of the unit's policy on staffing / breastfeeding etc. I'm tempted to think that unless a complaint is in writing, to the chief executive or some other, it can be swept aside.

If it were me, I would write a letter, concentrating primarily on how the actions of staff contravene stated policy, whether government or otherwise. For example, it is your decision to refuse continuous monitoring. NICE guidelines do say that continuous monitoring, inhibiting movement, can compromise the birth outcome. Therefore, you shouldn't be made to feel that you've done wrong by making an informed decision to refuse it - and it shouldn't be a substitute for adequate staffing.

Ditto the breast-grabbing being contrary to a good breast-feeding policy with comments about their baby friendly status.

I would keep the letter reasonably dispassionate and while I would mention the attitude of the witch midwife, I wouldn't dwell on it because it is a subjective judgement and one which is difficult to quantify. Tragically, the chief executive / whoever will (I suspect) be more likely to dismiss a letter which doesn't contain some demonstrable hard facts.

Just my twopennorth...

I would want to give the hospital a chance to "explain" and would want to hear "their side" first so I would ask for a post natal meeting to express my views. Then I'd make a formal complaint in writing if not satisfied.

Yep, me too, Cam. I can be very confrontational if need be, but don't think it's beneficial to go in guns blazing from the start.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and comments. I spoke to my community midwife and she has told me to write to the head of midwifery. I agree I should make the letter dispassionate. I would rather achieve something for the good of everyone than just make myself feel better. I will copy the letter to the Chief Executive.

My midwife was appalled by the lack of courtesy and communication. She confirmed that the midwife I had (the team co-ordinator, no less!)tended to be scatty and acted panicky and pressurised whether she was coordinating one woman or 10 women in labour!

I feel much better now. I am trying to focus on some positives. I'm so proud of my husband and his support for me during this labour and delivery and I'm starting to feel some pride myself. I said I did not want to push whilst on my back and thankfully my DH managed to get me turned around, on my knees, so I was leaning over my pillows. From doing this I achieved a level of intimacy with my husband that, with hindsight, is really quite special.

I'm also really happy that my baby's membranes did not break until the last 10 minutes (although totally out of my control ) I feel like she had a much gentler descent than my first baby (after ARM at 3cms) and my second baby came out with a perfectly shaped head and no signs of squashing whatsoever. Perhaps this is attributed more to my birth canal being tried and tested already but I like to think the cushioning of the membranes was good for this second baby.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll let you all know if I get a response and what happens.

OK - maybe I'll write to the head of midwifery first and hope she invites me in to go over the details. Then if I am not satisfied I'll copy the letter to the Chief Executive.

I agree with Cam and hunkermunker. Don't forget - the hospital won't have any idea that there's a problem until you tell them and if you go in all guns blazing they'll immediately be on the back foot. I don't agree that you ought to be/can be dispassionate about it all - it's not like complaining about a faulty car or bad service. It was a very real traumatic experience and one that you really need to discuss from start to finish with someone who understands. Quoting NICE guidelines won't get you much hands on help. When I had my counselling session we went through everything that happened and how I felt about it. I wept and wept but it was such a cathartic experience for me. I remember describing one particular bit and the midwife/counsellor held my hand and said "You must have been absolutely terrified". I had been trying to make sense of the whole experience and finally felt like someone understood. I appreciate your experience was different but it was still a very traumatic shocking time for you. You must speak to someone about it otherwise you will never let go. It obviously worked for me as I am having db2 13 months after ds!

Also, your hospital might have a Patient Liaison Service you can contact. Have a look on their website, if they have one?

I think you should request an appointment to talk to the head of midwifery, not hope she offers one too.

And fantastic that you're starting to remember the positives - and it sounds like your DH is wonderful

I was moved when I read your description of the positive aspects of your delivery. It's good to hear that you can still reflect on the happiness rather than all the trauma you experienced.

Just re the back foot thing: no one is suggesting that she rings the HOM or CE and shouts at them. If she writes a letter, even if it is guns blazing, they still have ample opportunity to formulate a response. You could argue that if one comes in softly-softly, it allows them time to make excuses - or indeed lose your notes, which I know has happened to other people trying to complain.

I mentioned the NICE guidelines - or indeed DoH statements or anything like this - because it allows them less room to wriggle. Weeping in counselling may be a very good idea personally, but it comes back to the question of what she wants to achieve. I worked in a hospital once where staff were having a meeting with a recently paralysed woman, regarding the hospital's shockingly poor wheelchair access (it was a very old building). It was clear to me that they were just giving her the time of day, rather than taking her seriously because they felt she was too emotional, too angry about her own disability. She had every right to be - but it undermined her very valid case.

One doesn't wish to be dismissed as a hysterical woman with wandering womb - or whatever it was stroppy women used to be accused of...

Glad you're feeling a bit more positive, Beatie.

Going in guns blazing might just make them lose the notes even faster though, RZ!

I know exactly what you mean beatie and I'm really sorry you've been put through this. There are far too few midwives and resources are badly over stretched and this impacts on women at their most vulnerable, and at what should be some of the most precious and special times in their lives.

Perhaps you could send a copy of your post to the hospital department concerned so that at least your feelings are registered.

I can highly recommend indpendent midwives. We employed them even though we couldn't afford them because I felt very uncared for and as if I were an inconvenience to the overstretched NHS mws.

Having been in a traumatic birth situation myself I wanted to let beatie know what worked for me. Whilst I always applaud people's efforts to make things better for others who might suffer the same fate I do think that beatie needs to concentrate primarily on herself and what will help her recover. It's human nature to become defensive when attacked whereas IMHO if beatie approaches the hospital on a more softly softly basis she might actually get some real practical help for herself. Please don't belittle or dismiss counselling for a situation like this. I know a number of women who have had it and they talk about it "rescuing" them from the brink and allowing them to move on. By all means write the dispassionate letter to the CE or whoever but I really would recommend talking it through with someone beforehand.

Good luck beatie and I'm glad you are feeling stronger about it all.

I don't think I did belittle or dismiss counselling. That's why I said that one should perhaps start off having a clear idea of in what way one wishes to gain from taking the matter further.

Hunkermunker: Well it might. But I'm a 'scorched earth' person. It works for me. Besides - you don't have to threaten them with legal action for... ooo - at least a fortnight.

LOL! Yes, a fortnight is more than reasonable

Just to add my take on this - I too had a difficult birth the first time - though not specifically related to a particular member of staff - and was very stressed about it afterwards, flashbacks etc. What helped me was by chance - I went to see a cranial osteopath for my DS - and in order to sort out his problem, she need to talk me through the whole birth story. Not only did she explain to me more of what had happened but by almost reliving it, she managed in effect to 'change' the ending for me - I felt such relief after talking it through with her, having her sympathy and informed understanding (she was an ex-health visitor). Talking it through really can help to stop the cycle of reliving it all. But it takes time - be kind to yourself and you'll get there. Hope this helps.

As a litigation solicitor with 15 years experience of some very high profile, nasty and long drawn out cases I would counsel against all guns blazing approach if what you want is closure. A couple of my mates are medical negligence defence lawyers and the tactics adopted by them as soon as legal action is threatened would make your teeth curl!

Anyway, I do hope it all works out for you. Obviously the approach you adopt is entirely for you and dh to decide upon and I really hope it works out for you.

wotcha pig!

have you had tyour number two yet?

Beatie - you have just almost exactly described my 2nd birth experience too and to this day I wish I'd complained in writing, but was too busy/tired etc and thought I had enough on my plate. I know for a fact that the midwife in question is no longer there which is good and that I was not the only one who had complained about her. (I moaned verbally to other midwife friends who knew of her and had heard similar stories to mine). I think it's really important to get these feelings out and dealt with asap, because I believe in my heart that those feelings (for me) hindered my bonding experience with dd and I felt cheated for some time afterwards about that. I didn't so much realise it at the time, but as time went on and I looked back, in hindsight I could see that I was really quite low and I believe it was the actual disappointment I felt about the birth itself which was the starting point for those feelings. Of course, I also felt blessed with my beautiful dd, and that has only got stronger over the years - she's five now and I love her more than ever. I don't want my post to alarm you though, just to re-iterate the importance of dealing with your feelings and complaining to the appropriate people so they can be aware of the issue and do their best to improve the situation for others and also to apologise to you for their shoddy treatment of a woman who was about to give birth and was in no position to argue at the time!

Of course warmest congratulatons on the birth of your dd too. Get some closure on this and enjoy her.

Hi Cod. No.2 due end of November. Yikes.

Hope you are well and keeping out of trouble.....