13yo DS has left a note saying he's trans

[SaulGood]

Outside our bedroom door.

He has long hair and people mistake him for a girl all the time. We laugh it off and point out that our appearance does not always reflect reality.

He's always liked hair and make-up and talked about wishing he could wear feminine clothes.

I am reeling. I want to cry. For him. For me. For us.

He's almost certainly autistic. We haven't pursued diagnosis before because the waiting lists are high, he's high functioning and school support him well. I think I might pursue diagnosis or support after all.

Can anybody help with some resources for right now.

I'm aware of Bayswater and Transgender trend but not sure how to use them or where to start.

Thank you for the calm and considered advice on here and for sharing your personal stories. I posted here because it's the place where honesty and experience reign.

I am quite cognisant of the political climate around ideologies. I have never parented a child who has made such a fundamental statement which is so significantly tied to his physical and mental health, has the potential to represent harm and scratches at the core of personal and societal beliefs. It is important that I get this right and I feel adrift.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn I can only offer solidarity and hope that I'm able to offer words of advice to another parent one day in the future. At the moment I don't even know how to talk to my son. Just as I always have. And nothing like I always have at the same time.

I'm as GC as they come and for what it's worth I think you've handled it very well.

OP what about suggesting men's skirts? They're a pretty big fashion thing right now thanks to Harry Styles and the like. I think the kilt type ones that aren't actually kilts are pretty cool. It also perhaps will allow him to see that men don't have to be confined to gender stereotypes on how to dress. I think you could have some fun with it if he likes the idea.
https://www.instagram.com/skirtsformen/p/CyRdrVeuqWj/

I would keep a very, very close eye on the anime he is accessing OP, it can go down some very, very dark roads. I would also say start pursuing an ASD diagnosis asap, if you think about it it's crazy to not pursue it because the wait is long because if you wait till there's a crisis then where does that leave you?

I wouldn't buy him anything. That's affirming. Let him borrow some stuff to try at home if he wants to but absolutely don't go buying special things.

DS was 12 and wore a few of my summer sundresses for a bit in the house.

That's a lovely comment OP.
One of the problems with trans ideology is that it too often undermines the basic principles of parenting & working with vulnerable young people - it deskills adults who may be quite skilled in supporting teenagers navigating adolescence. We know that parents must manage setting boundaries, we know that children with mental health challenges (eating disorders, anxiety, suicidal ideation etc) need to be listened to, kept safe and kept away from harmful online influences (eg pro ana sites with eating disorders).
The same principles must apply to gender confused / questioning children. That their places in their family feels secure, that the same tedious adult concerns about school, homework, health etc still apply. And that we gently steer them away from often dubious online sites back into the real world where they're part of families, friendship groups and communities.

It's right not to catastrophise what, for most, will be a passing phase. But that's hard to do as the road for some is scary with the prospect of brutal experimental drugs and surgery - which is why parents get so scared.
I suppose what I'm saying is that the same principles you use in parenting your other children should apply to this child. It is uncharted territory and in some ways has been a massive social experiment on children. But gender confused children need the same boundaries, the same hands on quality of care from trusted adults.
And those threatening parents with their child's rejection of them if they don't unthinkingly affirm, being quietly shown the door.

Wishing you all well with this.

Thank you for this.

I am a teacher and used to be a family practitioner, supporting families with children who have neurodevelopmental differences. Everything you said rings so true. Back when I was working with vulnerable children, we were particularly aware of social contagion and the way it attached to the struggle de jour. In my time, that was eating disorders and the notion of affirmation was anathema. And too bloody right.

I miss yesterday when it wasn't on my doorstep.

We've just been to a book sale and bought hot chocolate on the way back to the car. He talked about a book he was interested in and I told him about Arthur Conan Doyle. I so want him to just inhabit his body happily and get out there in the world with it as his vehicle. It does all the things it needs to. I grew it specifically for him. This all feels so surreal.

Glad you've had a good evening with him.
It took me a while to realise that almost all the "advice" for parents and schools from adult transactivist groups not only undermines basic safeguarding but also positions parents / families as "anti trans" if they raise questions and challenges. We know from every available UK statistic that children alienated from their families / in the care of the state do appallingly in all life measures. Yet transactivist groups keep pushing parental alienation as an option to the young.

The policy guidance for schools is written by activists and not educators. A quick look at PE / changing rooms exposes not only safeguarding risks but a complete lack of understanding about puberty, practical issues about school timetables, health and safety, how PE changing rooms are managed etc.
The ignorance about teenagers and their hopes for privacy when changing / toileting as they manage their rapidly changing pubertal bodies is shameful. The demands for social transitioning - even in primary schools - is so evidently grooming young children to "believe in" gender identity and accept sex change as a positive option that it's hard to see how primary specialists / safeguarding experts have failed to spot this.
I've taught in schools and worked with them for decades and am incredibly disappointed in some colleagues for failing to centre children and adolescents throughout all this. Allowing adults transactivists to determine education policy despite their evident lack of knowledge and concern for children has been a shameful dereliction of responsibility and has allowed social contagion to run amok in children's lives.

Sorry about the lengthy post. My point is that it's OK for parents to step in and protect their children. It's OK to say "you know you can't literally change sex and the drugs and surgery is crude, damaging and has life long negative impacts on your adult body. But it's fine to refuse to be confined by narrow regressive stereotypes about sex, what you wear etc and to be curious about the type of adult that you'll eventually become".

And it doesn't matter how much we understand as professionals. When it's our on children it's so hard to stand back and observe. As you say we've grown them and birthed them and our commitment and love is fierce and enduring.

What book was he interested in? And what did you say about Arthur (Sherlock Holmes)?

So much of this resonates as an educator and practitioner. One of the toughest but most rewarding elements of working with young people is guiding them through challenge. My year 11s don't want to stand up in front of their peers and deliver a speech in a couple of weeks but I know that through support and encouragement, they'll feel ruddy proud of themselves afterwards. Right now, they'd be happier if they didn't have to do it. I try and instil resilience in them all. There is little merit in telling a child they can bend reality to disguise their discomfort because it will come crashing down. Learning how to navigate the complexities, inconsistencies and challenges of adolescence is the key goal. But there's ideology and genuine dysphoria and I only know the theory. Living the reality is entirely different.

He isn't at home today. He has the lead role in the school play and it starts next week. Today is all day rehearsal which involves lots of nerves, sweets and a lunchtime trip to the chip shop with friends. Usually I'd be there, but I'm writing an essay on positive behavioural techniques in the classroom. I'm glad he's out doing something he loves.

The book he's taken to school with him today. It was based on a Greek myth but I can't remember the title.

We went to Edinburgh for half term and visited Surgeons Hall Museum (there are some of ACD's personal correspondence there) and for World Book Day, I dressed up as Sherlock Holmes. I was telling him about how ACD's work as a physician influenced his writing of Sherlock Holmes and we were wondering whether you can write a good story if you have no experience of the subject matter. We somehow segued onto Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

@MrsOvertonsWindow is correct regarding surgery. It is crude and no facsimile works. Faux female genitalia remains an open wound and faux male needs a manual pump. I found a television programme that showed this and left it as a link for my DD to watch. It's brutal.
Clothes and names shouldn't be sexed but they are sadly. I've employed bio males in dresses and it doesn't worry me but sadly people make judgements. It's a really hard life. Being LGB is a walk in the park in comparison. We mourn what could have been. Fwiw many trans teenagers change their mind or become NB. My eight year journey has been a hard one but my DD is still here.

He talked quite a lot about his body this morning. He has EDS and pectus excavatum which is fairly pronounced. He was talking about his lungs (squished by his ribs and prone to infection) and his hyper mobility. He knows that his big sister's symptoms got worse during puberty (she dislocated her rib coughing yesterday) and I suspect some of the anxiety about his body is bound up in that. Puberty proper has hit in the last couple of months for him and he knows the rheumatology people are waiting to see how it affects him.

He's shown a lot of interest in and started weight lifting recently (with me, I've lifted for years) and I think we might prioritise that a bit more as well. Can't hurt to feel positive about his body.

NB I know about how he should lift safely with eds. His consultant actually encourages it.

That’s really positive- he already knows the importance of a healthy body and the need to avoid damaging it needlessly.

He has a lot on his plate! No harm in recognising that- EDS, pectus excavatum, puberty, possibly ND and being gender non conforming.

Hopefully the EDS consultant will back up the importance of maximising your health rather than undermining it with any unnecessary treatments.

Is there a place for a chat about fashion or music? I am a child of the 80s, so post Glam Rock and bang on Annie Lennox and Boy George.
And of course the gorgeous AdamAnt. Grace Jones, and more.

In many periods of history men had great freedom of dress in terms of heels, rich fabrics, bold cuts and colours.
It’s unusual I think for men’s fashion to be so stripped back as it currently is. Previous ages did all the body padding, disguising and preening preserved for women at the moment.

Now you've mentioned that, which is a big medical issue, it makes even more sense because he's got even more on his plate. I agree to the body building, gym, more protein, building up muscle. Plus maybe joining more groups, particularly like pp said music, get himself 'out out' more, escaping the strict narrow secondary school, into groups of men expressing themselves through clothing, more groups and going to concerts, chatting about music they like, more gay men, more everything. Could that help?

Btw, he is only 13, very young.

"I will be pursuing the therapy and autism side of things because it's clear he's struggling with identity issues and knowing himself is key. This is just a small part of things though."

I completely disagree. It's massive. Push, and push hard, to get diagnosis.

Also, Speak to HoY and Senco.

How's he getting on at school . Academically and socially?

I always recommend this book. It's very old fashioned but has so much good stuff in it.

Academically he struggles because he's dyslexic and has slow processing. He has low academic self esteem and this is compounded by having a big sister who is academically very talented.

Socially, he would tell you he's rubbish and he does find social situations difficult in terms of the build up and aftermath (very neurodivergent in this way) but he has good friends, many of whom are ND as well. The challenge of late is that the boys are all very heavily into a niche hobby and ds isn't too interested. So he is spending a lot of time with his female friends. They're all lovely young women but 2/3 of them self describe as NB (one of them has a trans parent as well).

I'll look into autism diagnosis but afaik, all referrals go to the same team and the waiting list has increased to ludicrous levels.

https://www.derehamtimes.co.uk/news/24908825.children-waiting-seven-years-autism-adhd-assessments/

Average of 7yrs.

His GNC big sister has introduced him to a plethora of music and fashion.

He's a total fop. Most often seen in top hats, frock coats and with gaudy jewellery. He complains about boys clothes being boring. We've always pointed out that there are no boys clothes but he lives in the same society as the rest of us, attends a rural secondary and is called a girl All. The. Time.

He sounds great to me, my kind of guy, which will be of no comfort to him at all!

Is he into theatre? That was where the non conformists hung out in my day. I did a Saturday theatre club, and loved it. You could do prop and set design, not just up front roles. We all mucked in, so there wasn’t a hierarchy of ‘confident outgoing people able to learn lots of lines’ and everyone else.

He loves theatre and wants to be an actor (or a teacher). He's the lead in the school play and was at all day rehearsal today. He came home buzzing. We've said we will look at an amdram society for him to join this year.

He's a smashing young man and I just want him to be comfortable with who he is. His big sister and I both dress fairly uniquely, have funky bright coloured hair and are pretty non-conformist in myriad ways. Normally, I'm pretty relaxed about who I am, but currently worry that I could have helped him fit in more.

Agree with this. Don't panic.

Fit in more? Why? 😊