13yo DS has left a note saying he's trans

[SaulGood]

Outside our bedroom door.

He has long hair and people mistake him for a girl all the time. We laugh it off and point out that our appearance does not always reflect reality.

He's always liked hair and make-up and talked about wishing he could wear feminine clothes.

I am reeling. I want to cry. For him. For me. For us.

He's almost certainly autistic. We haven't pursued diagnosis before because the waiting lists are high, he's high functioning and school support him well. I think I might pursue diagnosis or support after all.

Can anybody help with some resources for right now.

I'm aware of Bayswater and Transgender trend but not sure how to use them or where to start.

aside From the obvious hugs & love aspect I think you need to say this is going to be a journey for both of you (is his dad in his life?) & that you don’t have all the answers but that as a family you’ll face it together. I think as parents we feel we should always have the answers but it’s important our kids see us as being vulnerable too. It’s ok to be scared

This!!
Please try to support him/talk to him/love him.
Your post sounds like you are going to break him into pieces (emotionally).
It's 'early days'. He's be y young.
For now at least be there for him.
He has trusted you by telling you.I
Trust him back.
Is it really 'that bad'?

This is a wonderful story. I'm so glad your son found his tribe of odds and ends. 💓

OP I've no experience myself but it happened to my friend (her child was trans) and i have trans friend who had supportive parents. Just love them. Tell them you will love them whatever path they choose and you'll be beside them through all of it. Offering love and not judgement results in massively better mental health outcomes.

Please don't panic. Nothing has changed. That is still your child and you are still their mum. The fact that they've felt comfortable enough to tell you this shows that the communication and love between you is really strong.

Let them explore their identity without going into the extreme hormones etc. See how things play out without it becoming a big deal x

Don't go near Mermaids.

I'd be very low key about it for now. Tell him you love him, thank him for telling you, remind him that he cannot change biological sex, and then mention the weather.

Not Mermaids - they are totally affirming only.

I agree with this.

Why on earth would you lock his phone down because he says he's trans?

He's so young, I'd just go along with it and not make a big deal out of it. He can't have any medical treatment until he's 18 anyway, and who knows how he'll feel by then.

In other words, keep calm and carry on!

I disagree that Mermaids is a good charity. There was a recent Charity Commission investigation into them which uncovered really worrying safeguarding issues. I'm actually surprised they're still going https://www.gov.uk/government/news/poor-governance-at-mermaids-amounted-to-mismanagement-inquiry-reveals

OP, I really sympathise. This must be a huge shock. I think the key is to acknowledge your son's feelings, let him know you love him and will continue to love him no matter what, and keep talking about it. Good luck.

How worrying OP - it's good that he's told you rather than hide it. How old is he?

Watchful waiting is the way to go - letting him know he's loved and supported and can dress as he wants, hair etc as you and others have suggested. But nobody can change sex and these are decisions to make when he's an adult. Great to make sure he has an active life at home with hobbies etc. Adolescence is a time of much internal turmoil so everything that you can do to help him see himself as an important member of the family, hobbies, sports etc will help him develop his sense of self in relation to others rather than self obsess about gender.

Keep an eye on school. Most schools are realising the dangers of "socially transitioning" children but there are still some who allow activists staff to push this at children. It's a difficult path to navigate but most teenagers pass through it with love and support. This is a useful piece by a clinical psychologist about the psychological risks of socially transitioning teenagers:

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

Be aware that gender non-confirmity has a high corelation with being same sex attracted and his confusion about his feelings (as well as universal adolecent development) could be making him feel like he doesnt fit in and to seek an 'easy' explaination.

The most troubling thing for me about the trans movement is this trend of 'transing' the gay away and also transing/medicalising normal questioning teen behaviour.

He is learning who he is and the best gift you can give him is acceptance while also holding sensible parenting lines.

Mine are too young for this yet, but I would talk about my own adolecence, self acceptance, questioning my own sexuality (or in my case gender identity) at a similar age. How difficult secondary school was, fitting in etc etc. Normaise how difficult this stage of life is.

OP be careful posting here - this is not a safe space for people in this situation. You won’t get the unbiased advice you need here and although I am comforted that most of the advice thus far has been about supporting your child, it’s early and I suspect that in a few hours you will be besieged by people who have no idea what it is like to be in this situation and have no empathy whatsoever.

There is a book called ‘when your child says they’re trans’ which can be helpful at this point. I wouldn’t get too hung up on getting an autism diagnosis either as although autism seems to be a common feature with gender dysphoria, knowing they’re autistic won’t give you any practical help in navigating it whatsoever, based on my own experience.

The hardest part about being a parent in this situation is that it is very hard to find unbiased advice and help. The whole discourse around trans issues is so polarised. It’s a very lonely place to be. My own view is that offering love and acceptance is a far better road than the alternative when it comes to your child though.

Ask gp for nhs referral for ASD. Find out who the nhs doctor is and then see them privately. An initial appointed may be £250+. Say you only came to see them privately once because that's all you can afford. But hope that they'll prioritise your son's nhs case.

@613intheam is correct in their advice that Mumsnet is very anti trans sadly.

This is exactly what I would do.

Also don't tell him that he can't change sex. That's a very literal definition. Of course no one can become the opposite biological sex, but they can change their gender and, via medical treatment, become quite similar to the opposite sex in many ways. That's what people mean when they refer to a sex change. No one thinks that people can actually become biologically the same as the opposite sex.

He feels the way he feels right now, and it will feel very dismissive and rejecting to effectively say to him that there's no such thing as trans and that he's not trans, when he has just told you that he is.

It's probably just a phase. The new laws protect him from doing anything permanent. I really wouldn't worry about it too much. You say you're devastated and feel sick, but you're putting yourself at the mercy of what's quite possibly a child's whim, influenced by current trends among older children. I wouldn't let it hold this much power over you. I don't think I could take a declaration of being trans very seriously at his age. I'd be outwardly supportive but inside I'd be 🤭.

When he says trans what does he actually mean? Verbalising what he actually really means is hard but he must try. We all know no one can actually change sex. Those that do normally find the results unsatisfactory.

Same happened with my autistic niece who was around 12 at the time. She cut off her hair, wore a binder, changed her name. What my Dsis and BIL did was sought therapy and paid it very little attention to it all, basically just went along quietly with it. Around a year or so later she no longer wanted to be a boy but is now a lesbian. She struggles massively with her MH related to her autism but the sexuality / trans things has now settled.

https://www.caudwellchildren.com/changing-lives/how-we-can-help/autism-services/autism-assessments/

this charity offer financial support for assessments, if you meet the criteria.

This.

Stand by for the dam to burst.

I would try and get him some talking therapy unlinked to his sexuality at this stage.

By talking it out without the trans slant as it were, other things may come to the surface that create a pathway forward.

The sex/gender stuff is likely clouding the issues he has. At this stage he needs to talk talk and talk some more.

£750 and you’ll get a diagnosis within weeks

If you're thinking of Asd assessment, have a look at NHS right to choose, waiting lists are shorter than going though normal channels and saves you paying privately.

I echo all the other advice to just listen and reassure your DS of your love, always.

OP I Haven't been through it but have friends who have (including the note outside the door!!). My biggest piece of advice is to try and process your shock/upset/etc APART from your son (which you are doing here, and hopefully you find some good support here and in other threads/groups) and just reiterate the message over and over to him that you love him no matter what. I know you are probably reeling but remember that he is too. Good luck. You sound like a great mum.

@ThisFluentBiscuit is absolutely correct in advising not to say to him that he cannot change sex and why. If you do that you will lose him on day one, and he may never trust you again. Right now you need to keep the lines of communication as open as possible, so choose your words very carefully.

I would also question taking his phone as that this feels a bit like a punishment for sharing his feelings. It will have cost him a lot in heartsearching and anguish to get to this point.
Perhaps you could discuss with him your concerns about the influence of some of the things that can be found online and how he might share these with you so you can discuss all sides of the issue together.
I am sure you are feeling a bit shell shocked at this moment and that is understandable but take a deep breath. You are clearly a caring Mum and will find a way forward together. He needs to know you are on his team but that you would like to proceed slowly and thoughtfully.