13yo DS has left a note saying he's trans

[SaulGood]

Outside our bedroom door.

He has long hair and people mistake him for a girl all the time. We laugh it off and point out that our appearance does not always reflect reality.

He's always liked hair and make-up and talked about wishing he could wear feminine clothes.

I am reeling. I want to cry. For him. For me. For us.

He's almost certainly autistic. We haven't pursued diagnosis before because the waiting lists are high, he's high functioning and school support him well. I think I might pursue diagnosis or support after all.

Can anybody help with some resources for right now.

I'm aware of Bayswater and Transgender trend but not sure how to use them or where to start.

I will be pursuing the therapy and autism side of things because it's clear he's struggling with identity issues and knowing himself is key. This is just a small part of things though.

I am not devastated. I'm worried. About him and for him.

I'm not going to take his phone but I do think support needs to come from real life, not the internet so I will be monitoring carefully what he's accessing.

I'm pretty sure he's gay and has openly talked about male crushes before. His big sister has been openly gay for years. His aunt is married to a woman. I don't think he should or would be concerned about coming out but that doesn't mean it's easy.

I'm not supporting social transition immediately.

I could find £750 maybe. Everything I've looked at says 2k.

Do you have any recommendations?

Sadly this is for children under 11.

No one thinks that people can actually become biologically the same as the opposite sex.

Just a quick warning note re: this, as accuracy is important in helping you to navigate this. The belief in sex-as-spectrum / social construct / internal feeling is, emphatically, very much out there, so extreme caution and clarity are needed with regard to it.

For just one example of many, you may have seen reporting on the recent employment tribunal about a female nurse who didn't feel comfortable sharing changing facilities with a male, transwoman, doctor. His case rested - is resting (it's ongoing) - on his claim to be unambiguously biologically female. Google Sandie Peggie v. Dr Beth Upton & NHS Fife. This is, my understanding is, far from unusual in some circles. For my own part, in recent years I've attended a presentation in which I witnessed a visiting speaker on inclusion tell a small group of secondary-aged children that they can "now change sex" in a tone that, quite frankly, implied it was as simple as changing their clothes. There was no qualification of this, or exploration of the issues associated with hormone treatment and surgery. To my lasting regret, I didn't gently challenge it at the time.

I wish you all the best - you sound like you are well equipped to navigate yourself and your son through this with the necessary caution and empathy.

I am aware of what's happening in this case.

I'm pretty aware of the political situation all round.

I've just never navigated it as a parent.

I would get some counselling for myself as well as him, you might be losing the child you knew, gave birth to, it’s huge.

I would love him unconditionally first and foremost snd reassure him you will be there beside him every step of the way.

He is far too young to make any decisions now and not for another 5/6 years and in that time, you will have the diagnosis and support in place. So much can change as they grow up. Keep an open mind, and open heart whilst changing nothing for now. He has been very brave, but does need more support.

I'm sorry OP but you're going to get all of the Mumsnet anti trans piling on soon to completely derail this thread

@greenmelon why do you keep saying this? It's like you want that to happen....

Instead, OP has balanced advice in line with the current researched advice.

That's good to hear. Good luck and best wishes to you both.

You're wrong

Just say you love him and you support him. Ask him how you can help him because it’s a journey for you too.

People absolutely can and do claim that they have changed sex. You only have to listen/read the transcripts for the Peggie Vs Upton case currently ongoing. I lost count of the number of times Upton insisted he was a woman/female/biological female.

You could say that he does actually know REALLY but that makes no material difference to anyone listening.

For any teenager struggling with themselves and looking for answers, that certainty could sound very attractive. Autistic behaviour can include being very black and white and so becoming very locked into certain ideas as 'the answer'.

I was watching a genspect talk yesterday from the perspective of the psychology industry and it was pointed out that in psychology, absolute certainty is actually a red flag and displays rigid thinking and a lack of introspection. Certainty of the patient in this one field though seems to be taken as a positive though.

Because that's how it works...
"They don't understand they just want to hurt you, come here, join us...we're the only ones who care"....

I've been on Mumsnet for 20yrs.

I know it backwards and I know its demographic. I'm posting for honest, realistic, wise, up-to-date advice based on what's best for a child experiencing something difficult.

And support for me because phrases like "you might be losing the child you knew" are terrifying.

Just tell him you love him. You have got this.

thank god for now puberty blockers are paused. I think most of these kids will grow out of it so you have time.

I would remove all internet access. The issue is this stuff is all over school.

I think acknowledge the letter. Thank him for telling you but don't make a big deal. Keep it light then get on with your day. He is very young. He has told you something about himself. Great. Now have you done your homework? Etc etc. Then two separate things. First get his autism diagnosis sorted. He needs this doing irrespective. Secondly what has he been reading/ watching - has anyone been influencing him? He is still very young. What safeguards do you have in place on his phone/ laptop etc? Are you regularly checking his messages/ YouTube history/ social media etc etc? If not you need to start, it's common sense at this age anyway, and get parental controls in place. Again irrespective of where this goes, your job is to make sure he has love and support and part of that is monitoring external influences etc. Also read up so if he does want to talk more you can have an informed discussion and show him where to find appropriate information.

@Hercisback1 do I really need to quote previous posters to explain myself!?

I will try to find the details of the person we used. Having an autism diagnosis should help to find your way through this.

we largely ignored. Well in fact we completely ignored. We smothered him with love and reassurance that we didn’t care and we love him whatever and we allowed him to do what he wanted at home. No changing of anything else. Absolutely no social transitioning since that is really difficult for a confused kid to roll bank from. Actually after a few weeks of exploring dresses he stuck with a pair of silk boxers to sleep in and that was the only thing that lasted. He liked the feel of the fabric (so I suspect an AG thing rather than biological sex confusion)

pretty much everything was met with an “oh ok darling, give us a hug, love you so much, what’s on tv/what do you fancy for dinner”

seven years later I now have a very beardy 19 year old who is absolutely firmly comfortable with the fact that he is male and is gender critical (although he has a trans friend at university and is respectful of pronouns). He is comfortably bisexual although I suspect he will end up with a man when he settles down. He was entirely sucked down an internet rabbit hole which started with an interest in anime and was told online that he was trans.

@SaulGood This must be really hard for you.

Not helped by people telling you 'this is not a safe space' or 'you might lose your child'.

Pretty much all the GC posters on MN are pro child and safeguarding. Remember the Cass review says social transition is not a neutral act.

I would go low key with thank you for telling us, we love you however you feel. Maybe say you need to do some research before a further conversation. What do you want for breakfast.

Not remove phone but maybe lockdown some sites that may encourage hormones or alienation from parents.

I think the initial organisations you mentioned are the way to go.

I wouldn’t place pressure on what’s next in this moment other than how you will respond to your DC when they wake with the love and pride you plan to, Like you this is a big enough moment for them and doesn’t require plans further than perhaps finding him a supportive therapist where they have the freedom to express and process. UKCP or BACP website. Perhaps you can share for now that you'd like to find him a supportive space all of his own in addition to being able to speak to you and that one step at a time you will find the next steps together. X

Why is it wrong to say that sex can't be changed? (Not to him in conversation, I just mean just here, as a discussion )? Gender, sexual preference, being gay, is not the same discussion as stating that you can or can't change sex.

@haufbiskiy looks like they have good advice.

"What do you want for breakfast".
Is the correct response! 🥞 🍳 🧇

I think letting the dust settle a bit might be good - yes seek out information and avenues of support for yourself (and him when needed) but I think just trying to carry on fairly normally for now may be good.
This age is tough re identity and sexuality and all the information available about it these days and the struggle to find who you are and where you fit. It sounds like he has a lot of positive same sex relationships around him - that may be his path but he's just struggling to find it right now