13yo DS has left a note saying he's trans

[SaulGood]

Outside our bedroom door.

He has long hair and people mistake him for a girl all the time. We laugh it off and point out that our appearance does not always reflect reality.

He's always liked hair and make-up and talked about wishing he could wear feminine clothes.

I am reeling. I want to cry. For him. For me. For us.

He's almost certainly autistic. We haven't pursued diagnosis before because the waiting lists are high, he's high functioning and school support him well. I think I might pursue diagnosis or support after all.

Can anybody help with some resources for right now.

I'm aware of Bayswater and Transgender trend but not sure how to use them or where to start.

Is anybody awake?

I don't know what to say to him when he wakes up.

I don't want to screw this up.

Yes this has happened to us too.

I would take it seriously and would not spin a negative connotation.

I would consider family therapy. I don’t agree with hormone therapy but it’s difficult

Did this happen recently? What has happened since?

Thank you for responding.

Where do you even start looking for a therapist who can deal with this?

The new laws that mean hormone treatment can't be considered until age 18 give you some breathing space, just love him & support him as much as you can. My ds told me he was gay when he was 12. We talked & I told him 12 was too young to put a label on himself, that he could be whatever he wanted to be & I would always love him but he needed to put his energy into getting his exams passed so he could have any future he wanted. He met his partner when he was 18, got married when he was 19 & has been happily married for nearly 2 years now, my son in law is a lovely young man & they really care for each other. They have been travelling together, ds is at University now, they have faced adversity due to my son in law having to go through 3 rounds of brain surgery last year from which he is still recovering & I'd anything it has brought them closer together. Like your ds, my ds is ASD, he found his tribe at school who were all the as they called themselves odds & ends who didn't fit in with all the other kids, several are gay/trans & have ASD & or ADHD, they stuck together as a group, stood up to bullies & made sure nobody was left behind.

I think you need to speak to him openly about the fact that people can't change their sex.

Tell him boys can be feminine.

And most importantly, get him off the internet.

We will be getting his phone locked down. No unsupervised access to anything whatsoever.

Lots of family time, hobbies and "normality" for want of a better word.

I will ensure that he knows I love him and I'm relieved he feels he can speak to me. But I won't be affirming anything. Most of what I've read said to just ask him questions and show curiosity for now, whilst calmly acknowledging facts.

He has friends at school but with the onset of puberty, lots of his male friends have become quite laddish and ds sticks to his female friends mostly. Two of those friends are "non binary" and they're quite geeky and feel like misfits.

I feel really sick. Quite literally in fact.

I feel like I've failed him.

He has a big sister who is 17 and gender non conforming but feminist and proud.

He's had long hair and been quite non conforming himself for years.

We've always stressed that clothes and interests are not related to gender.

Whilst stressing biological reality.

i would go through the autism diagnosis and support now

I will pursue this.

Waiting lists here are a minimum of 4yrs though.

Get in touch with the Bayswater support group, they offer advice and information from a none gender woo/medicalised perspective.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Therapy First can help you find a therapist who will explore his gender confusion without rushing to affirm the need to transition
https://www.therapyfirst.org/

Save the money and go private as it's much quicker.

I would just love them and tell them you are there to support them and thank them for being brave enough to share this with you

When he wakes give him a hug and tell him you have read his note, that you love him and always will.
Tell him that you accept how he feels and that you all need to see.how things develop over time, but that you will be beside him.
I know how hard this as I have a GC in this situation and am trying to support the family as best I can.
I am sending good wishes and fellow feeling.

This!

The great thing is that he has told you, he obviously trusts you and feels safe enough to tell you how he's feeling. That's a great sign and credit to you, OP. Maybe just thank him for finding a way to let you know how he's feeling and ask him what it is that makes him think he's trans, what that means for him etc, give him lots of space to explain what he's thinking and feeling (as best he can) - normalise confusion, experimentation, difficulty making sense of gender, there's no rush etc etc.

It's £2k and I don't have that sort of money.

Thank you so much for the responses.

I will be telling him I love him and I'm proud of him.

I don't feel remotely equipped to deal with this.

He's a kid. Just let him be and allow him the space to explore his identity.

Also, don't take his phone off him. That will be like punishing him for telling the truth (as he sees it), and will damage your relationship.

Right now this is what he needs to hear

I will obviously say this to him. Those are things he hears regularly but will hear a lot more.

It's the what next I'm struggling with.

I've been through this. Just be supportive. Go along with the name change/ pronouns if there is one. You don't want to ruin your relationship.

I really feel for you.

I can sense your panic. I know exactly what it's like to feel sheer panic and fear but knowing that you have to hide it in front of your child. I haven't experienced the trans side of things but please understand you haven't let him down, it's the world around him that's letting him down.

I would acknowledge you got the letter 'Thanks for the letter, I'm glad you feel you can tell us things' but keep it light and breezy. Totally agree you need to immerse him in activities and distractions, take him out and about take him for coffees, cinema, walks, watch films together, bake, etc. For now, live in the moment as much as possible to keep his mind on the here and now.

It sounds like you a good mum for wanting to do this "right " 💜

Say that its new to you too but you will do some research and see what we should do next. Showing them that you care but also being honest that its new to you too. Mermaids is a good charity as well i think for information etc