13yo DS has left a note saying he's trans

[SaulGood]

Outside our bedroom door.

He has long hair and people mistake him for a girl all the time. We laugh it off and point out that our appearance does not always reflect reality.

He's always liked hair and make-up and talked about wishing he could wear feminine clothes.

I am reeling. I want to cry. For him. For me. For us.

He's almost certainly autistic. We haven't pursued diagnosis before because the waiting lists are high, he's high functioning and school support him well. I think I might pursue diagnosis or support after all.

Can anybody help with some resources for right now.

I'm aware of Bayswater and Transgender trend but not sure how to use them or where to start.

I'm glad your son navigated his way through. He sounds like a fantastic young adult.

DS is a geeky, likely autistic gay male who loves anime and I think he fits a profile for want of a better way of describing it. I do need to consider what he's doing online because we have controls in place but I don't think we're as careful as we should have been. We will be kindly and carefully stepping in to make sure he's present in real life and supported in real life and the internet is not where he's taking advice and additions.

I work at his school so that should be easier.

He won't be socially transitioning any time soon and school would not support this without parental involvement.

I think I would really emphasise feeling rather than fact. Facts are important and he can’t change sex, but at the moment he feels like he is not a man.

I’d do all the loving and reassuring you already have planned, and thank him for telling you how he FEELS. I wouldn’t use his language that he ‘is trans’. I wouldn’t argue with it, but I’d describe it as a feeling not a being/state/identity.

He feels out of place. He doesn’t feel like the other boys.

Perhaps Remind him occasionally that there are many ways to be a man, and the football and beer lads have just found one of them. The Olympic swimmer knitting by the pool is another. And there are many more.

I've thought about this before, what I would do - as DS1 is prone to black and white thinking. What @Chillilounger suggests but also I'd be talking to school to make sure they know you do not support social transition as per the Cass Report in case this is happening behind your back (if it does, it would breach KCSIE but many schools are still doing it).

Also this sounds quite woo but I'd be looking to take my kid on a trip somewhere asap- somewhere to somehow reconnect with their physical body and also the material world that is not online. A cycling trip across Scotland, climbing in the Lake District, walking the ridgeway or the south west coastal path, I don't know, just something physical and outdoors that puts everyone into a flow state mentally and halts rumination. Also reconnects you both, a shared happy experience etc.

Oh and I absolutely wouldn't say anything to connect said trip to trans stuff. Just a trip to start planning together and then get out there. Has the added benefit of getting away from influencing factors online as well without seeming like you&re punishing him taking his phone away.

Most teens struggle with acceptance. Autistic teens even more so. And many gay teens struggle with being gay, accepting it for starters. It all makes sense that he's struggling.

Mermaids is a good charity as well i think for information etc

No, it absolutely is not.

You can tell him that he’s free to express himself with the hair, clothes and make up that he wants but that’s as far as it goes. It isn’t physically possible to change sex. I
agree with getting him off the internet and social media too

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes he is male, and can never be a female. But suggesting that males and females SHOULD act and dress in a certain way is what led to this gender ideology mess in the first place.

He can wear what he wants, act how he wants and have his hair how he wants, there are a million and one ways to be a boy.

When you say he won’t be socially transitioning any time soon - how do you plan to stop him? There are elements you can control, but he is his own person and you can’t stop him from (e.g.) wearing certain things and using a different name and pronouns among those that wish to support him in that.

I understand that YOU don’t plan to support his social transition, and will try to stop school from doing it, but I think you are being naive to assume it won’t happen at all, and you need to think about how to navigate that without harming your relationship.

This is all you need to do for now. Any thing else and you risk alienating him and ruining your relationship and his self esteem/mental health. Locking down his phone is ridiculous and abusive, in these circumstances.

OP, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on the trans issue, but do want t pay it sound like you are a lovely, supportive parent, and that is exactly what your DS needs right now.

On the autism diagnosis, I absolutely second the suggestion to look into Right to Choose. Although the RtC waiting list are increasing, several providers are still children within a matter on months. If you do go private, make sure the provider follows NICE guidelines and your son's assessment includes the ADOS and is carried out by multiple professionals. This is really important for ensuring the diagnosis should be accepted by all the relevant people/ organisations. Unfortunately, some of the cheaper providers don't fully follow guidance, and you may find it is not accepted as evidence in some situations.

By locking down his phone I don't mean stopping him using it to access all the normal age-related stuff. I mean making sure he can't access anything beyond that. It's his phone. He will still be allowed to play games and talk to friends and watch Fortnite videos.

And in terms of social transitioning, I mean school won't support it without parental input and I won't be talking about names and pronouns yet. I need to find out what's actually happening here first. I've worked with young people for long enough that I know they need support and guidance before they make big decisions. This might the biggest decision of his life.

He awake now. We've had a big cuddle and I told him I loved him and supported him and that while he is feeling discomfort at the moment, some of that is normal for puberty (which has just hit) and for him if it's more than the normal shock and discombobulation of his body changing then I am here to listen and support him and that he's brave. He cried a little and I asked if he'd like to tell me anything else or say or ask anything in particular and he shook his head. He is currently reading and I'm running him a quick bath (he adores the bath) before school.

No. That would be affirming it and making it much harder for the youngster to ever row back.

I have a teenager like this in my wider family. We all agreed to respect the name change but not the pronouns. The teenager's parents do their best to avoid the use of any pronouns but refuse to call their daughter he/him.

Good luck, OP.

Look at Right to Choose on the NHS for an ASD diagnosis. Can be much quicker
One example would be below:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/nhs-services/right-to-choose

We also effectively ignored our autistic son's gender discomfort, with reassurance that we loved him very much and there was no need to make any permanent decisions, at 15.
He also became a beardy hairy guy at 19. I congratulated myself on dodging that bullet.

He's 24 now, uses a female name, is on a waiting list for care/hormones, wears dresses and a padded bra at home and ordinary clothes outside. And at 24 there's nothing we can do about it, and he/she is just so much lighter and happier since she "came out" again. Has gone from sitting in a darkened bedroom for 3 years to volunteering at a local shop.

I think my child was radicalised online too, and I hate the ideology, but I love my child more than I hate the ideology and so have accepted that she needs to live as if female, at least for now. She uses no changing rooms or female toilets, goes in no female only groups or spaces and I don't think she ever will. She understands that this is about her need to move through the world in the way that makes sense to her, and is not about the world needing to affirm her. That she is a trans female, not an actual female.

I won't be engaging with any posts telling me I am doing it all wrong unless they, too, have a son or daughter who has come out (again) in adulthood.

@SaulGood

Why would you lock his phone down?

So you're now going to treat him differently?

That's a definite way to ensure he won't come to you with any future issues.

You should be telling him that you love him, are proud of him for telling you and it won't make any difference!!!!!!

He's not a criminal or a drug dealer!

Currently going through this too. Understand how much of a shock you've had. I have no problem with my DD being gay but talk of transitioning and surgeries makes me weep.

DD currently has therapy through Mable Therapy who have been great. It's all online so makes it easy to access. Rightly or wrongly I didn't want her to engage with any groups who would encourage transitioning. We've found a great therapist who is understanding yet getting to the bottom of whether this is real or a phase. DD is ASD so vulnerable to trans ideology. If it is real I will always love DD but I fear for her future.

@Diverze so glad she found a path that worked for her. You sound like a lovely mum!

To protect him from drug dealers(!!!!!!)

There are people out there who are convinced a child in this situation needs drugs and then surgery. OP wants to support her child, not deliver him to the hands of people who profit from medicalising him.

Rightly or wrongly I didn't want her to engage with any groups who would encourage transitioning.

That would be rightly.

I've not seen it mentioned yet but when the time feels right, I would ask him what he would like from you in terms of support and gently explore what that might look like.

Locking down social media is absolutely right. This is possible without denying them all access to their phones but things like Reddit and discord (in particular discord) and especially open online gaming where they can talk to strangers (this one got our DC) needs to be stopped.

I think it is very important to be honest with children and teenagers, and to be clear where your boundaries are. An adolescent who is going through the confusions of puberty does not need to have confusion affirmed as truth. I think Transgender Trend will be a good source of support. I believe the LGB Alliance may offer support to young people who may be same sex attracted. There has been a lot of sanity on this thread, including from the OP. (To advocate caution is caring and not evidence of intolerance.) On a personal note, my belief is that it is much better to calmly hold the line when it comes to the impossibility of changing sex, than to lead one's child into a kind of experimental social upheaval which has the potential to cause serious harm.

Look into right to choose.

Certain private companies are contracted to diagnose and you can request through your gp that the assessment is done by one of them which cuts the wait potentially down to 6m to 1 year.

You've had some great advice. My DD identified as a TM at 15. She's not ND.
It's been a very hard road and like @Diverze she was swept into an online community. Surgery was requested and I was beside myself. I do post under another name regarding this subject because there is a core of brutal posters who hijack any thread with parents seeking support for trans DC. I always report them and for the most part they haven't been through this.
I don't believe TWAW but I support the right a person has to say they feel more male or more female than their biological sex.
Fwiw my DD changed dramatically at 18 and stopped the militancy. Her friends changed at university and although she belongs to an 'odds and ends' group she has many straight friends. She has a boyfriend and wants children.
She still dresses slightly alternatively but I see it more as unisex. We did have some blow ups but I kept her close.
No one has the right to discriminate against a transperson and I'll always stand up to that.