Dp just called my dd a freak

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Just that really
She's 12 and was diagnosed with autism yesterday so I know I'm quite emotional today but fgs it's not okay
He's been amazingly supportive throughout the process and she can be be very challenging I know but I overheard him call her a freak
this evening amd It's the second time . I think it the word wowed last time.
He's the only absolute constant in her life who she knows is always there for her amd this is not his usual self but we did discuss coping with this as parents this evening and he was really supportive.
I've just told him to sleep elsewhere amd stay away I need space it's really upset me amd he hasn't even apologised
He tried to tell me something that obviously had led to him saying it amd I stopped him amd said that absolutely nothing gave him the right to say that word . Like nothing .
I don't think I'm over reacting am I ?
I just feel so enormously protective for her amd more so since yesterday. Calling her a freak is just so so terribly wrong .

Exactly

I wasn’t diagnosed until well into adult life. I was called a freak/weird at school and every single time it hurt because I was very aware I was different.

That's a very good point. I too, wasn't diagnosed until my 30s, but I always knew there was something wrong with me, that I was very different. I always knew. Even mums friends/my childhood friends parents commented on it, that I was strange.

I knew.

And guaranteed, OP's daughter also knows that about herself, so saying he called her a freak before she was diagnosed, doesn't excuse it. I was that 'freak' before I even knew the name for my condition, and yes, like you, it hurt. OPs daughter will know a) she is different, and b) that freak means abnormal.

I knew, and OP's daughter knows. So can we please stop the ignorant disablist excuses? Thank you! 😡

@Mariposista A joke is only a joke if the recipient, the butt of that joke, finds it funny. What you are doing is saying all a bully has to say is "it's just a joke!!", and that's the bully's excuse, their get out it free card. If the OP, as her mother, and if the poor girl, didn't find it 'funny', it's not a joke, and therefore in both cases, mums boyfriend is the problem.

Yeah I agree with this.

I am sorry for those that have shared their stories. But we have the bare minimum from OP, so we have no idea what the context was.

Again, as a person with autism, I am telling you that context is irrelevant. Can people please listen to us and believe us? There is not context that justifies it.

Full stop, period.

End of.

Personally, I didn't realise that "freak" was such an offensive term. Maybe DP didn't mean it the way you have taken it? Only you can know if it was meant in perjorative, nasty way.. you say he is normally supportive, so it makes sense to let him explain himself.
But I guess you are posting because you do think he was being unkind.

"Oh course the context matters. It could have been a joke.
What? You like marmite & peanut butter sandwiches? You're a freak!"

Genuine question.
Do you seriously believe that the op would have posted what she did if the 'context' had been anything close to what you suggested?

The Op stated she is feeling emotional and sensitive.
The Op stated that she didn't hear the context and wouldn't let her DP explain.

So who knows?

We don't know if the OP has ever previously pointed out to her DP that jokes/banter won't work with the DD, or if her DP is unaware that they will be misinterpreted.

In fact we know very little which is why everyone is posting with their own personal background filling in the gaps.

Yet again we have an MN thread full of non-autistic people not listening to autistic people who are trying to explain then why something that they (non-autistic) may consider harmless, is actually not for us.

context is irrelevant.

just as we are told not to be direct, think of how something we might say is a bit blunt and we need to moderate our approach, please could you afford us the same?

we’re asking to be treated with the same level of respect and what you see as “Bantz and harmless fun”, can be yet another barb that we internalise and beat ourselves up about.

please just reflect on this. Try putting yourselves in our shoes.

I have totally used this word with all of my ds', two are autistic in regard to not liking something etc, it's meant as a joke and taken as a joke.
Context is important op mentioning she is over sensitive and emotional suggests that the word was not used maliciously.

@Scautish I respectfully disagree.

To me this isn't about what the DD did or did not feel about the comment. The OP makes no mention of that at all.

It is about the OP not listening to her (generally supportive) DP about what happened, but condemning out of hand.

it may well be that the DD was upset by the comment. But the DP's intent surely has to be listened to? If the DP meant no harm because he is still learning how a comment like that might be taken, then the OP needs to discuss so the DP understands. If the DP meant to upset the DD on purpose out of frustration or spite that is different.

@barskits please, enlighten the group and what people with autism cannot comprehend?! Now Jenny if you want an example of 'disablism' here it is!

Funnily enough, I'm getting fed up of the influx of very late night posts on inflammatory topics, getting MN riled up and then a never returning OP.

Yet again we have an MN thread full of non-autistic people not listening to autistic people who are trying to explain then why something that they (non-autistic) may consider harmless, is actually not for us

There is no.mention of dd being upset by it. Op has shut down her dp to find out the context.

It is only a 'joke' if the butt of the joke takes it as one, @Cheeeeislifenow . You are gaslighting.

For the umpteenth time, context is IRRELEVANT,

over sensitive and emotional

The OP being over sensitive and emotional does NOT suggest, even remotely, that the word was not used maliciously. OP's feelings don't change the motives of the other person. I am struggling to see why you think that just because the OP is sensitive, that means her DP is innocent. How do you arrive at that? It sounds like more gaslighting from you.

Rubbish. Context is always relevant.

And at what point when you were typing this did you consider how the autistic person in this situation might have felt? Have you just assumed that because the mother may be “over sensitive and emotional” these caveats could equally be applied to the daughter?

the OP seems to be the only (presumably) non autistic person here thinking about what the impact of using the word “freak” might have had on her autistic daughter.

can you please stop putting an non-autistic’s right to save what they like as long as intent is harmless over an autistic person’s right to be respected an not described in a way which can, however non-maliciously intended, has an adverse impact.

No you aren’t wrong.

Jesus Christ.

But they do take it as a joke the same way I do when they call me a wierdo for liking hummus.
Gaslighting ffs.

People with autism will not comprehend that sort of joke, and will take the comment literally.

What the actual fucking fuck shit is this?

@Scautish You can 'disagree' all you like, but you simply display your ignorance and disablism. We are telling you it is offensive.

Why do you assume you know better than us, that have autism?

Doubling down on disablist ignorance just shows your disdain for us. We are telling you it is offensive, ffs, please LISTEN TO US, and acknowledge what we are saying, acknowledge you are wrong, and aim to do better. Not stubbornly double down.

@Scautish you are literally implying you know my children better than I do....

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Do you not understand that just because the daughter hasn't said she is upset, doesn't mean she isn't? Especially as she might not have the tools or ability to say.

We have no idea of how this was meant by the DP because the OP wouldn't listen to the DP when they tried to explain.

We also have no idea how the DD took it because the OP doesn't say so .

It could have been highly outrageous and abusive by the DP.
Or it could have been a joke that the DD didn't mind.
Or anywhere in between.

Anyone jumping to a conclusion on either side is bringing their own background with them rather than reading what has been written.

This is the SECOND time this man has name called your child?

Why is your boyfriend ‘only absolute constant in her life’?? This should obviously never have been allowed to be the case. Put your kid first, don’t allow boyfriends to get so involved with her.

So because they've been conditioned by you to take it as a joke, that means you speak for all of us? FFS!