Dp just called my dd a freak

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Just that really
She's 12 and was diagnosed with autism yesterday so I know I'm quite emotional today but fgs it's not okay
He's been amazingly supportive throughout the process and she can be be very challenging I know but I overheard him call her a freak
this evening amd It's the second time . I think it the word wowed last time.
He's the only absolute constant in her life who she knows is always there for her amd this is not his usual self but we did discuss coping with this as parents this evening and he was really supportive.
I've just told him to sleep elsewhere amd stay away I need space it's really upset me amd he hasn't even apologised
He tried to tell me something that obviously had led to him saying it amd I stopped him amd said that absolutely nothing gave him the right to say that word . Like nothing .
I don't think I'm over reacting am I ?
I just feel so enormously protective for her amd more so since yesterday. Calling her a freak is just so so terribly wrong .

I think you need to understand the context.

If they have a good relationship it's hardly likely to have been said nastily.

Was she upset by it?

By the OP's own admission she didn't hear the lead up. She overheard a part.
She should at least have the decency to hear him out before condemning.

Context is absolutely the key here.

Agree with posters above example in relation to choice of food etc.

I call my autistic ds all sorts of things like that and him me (he's 18 now so past few years the communication has evolved as he's become an adult).

He will also say he's weird. Not as an insult but because he's neurodiverse and he knows some of his though processes are totally nonsensical to the NT but he likes that but equally he'll say how he finds the NT wired for thinking certain ways about things. And to be fair he often makes sense over things like us stressing over social niceties and trying to compromise ourselves for others happiness rather than just being honest!

There isn't enough detail - sorry op.

It is so weird that you asked him to leave before talking with him and that he didn't try to explain or apologise.

Sounds as though there are huge communication issues and the the name calling is part of it.

You can’t throw someone out of their own home overnight for the sake of one word. Especially if you won’t even listen to the context.

In his position, I wouldn’t forgive your actions easily.

Calling a child a freak is emotionally abusive, calling an autistic child who already has so many challenges to try to deal with and has literally just got the diagnosis a freak is just unforgiveable - there is no positive slant to the word freak.

I mean maybe if she'd said she experiences all words as colours and he said 'wow that's freaky' - but he didn't say that, he just straight up called her a freak. I'm amazed that so many people are defending it and saying you should hear him out, OP obviously heard enough to know how it was said. He knows she's autistic and vulnerable and he's taking advantage of that.

To me it's almost worse that he's been a constant in her life and apparently always there for her - for someone who has previously been like that to then turn on you is just the most heart breaking thing. That's when you really start to doubt yourself and doubt your worth.

I would worry/suspect though that he probably hasn't been this wonderful person that OP thinks he has, if she accidentally overheard this who knows what else he has been saying to this child when OP isn't around. You don't go from loving someone and doing all you can to support them to calling them a freak in one easy move.

He needs to stay gone IMO OP, for the sake of your dd's mental health. I wouldn't trust him with dd now and she would always come first. I wonder how many of the posters saying hear him out have any idea how hard it is to be autistic.

Is he her father? YANBU and you are not over-reacting, I say that as someone with ASD and it angers me that people are being Disablist enough they are trying to suggest you are 'over-reacting'. Fucking bollocks you are! The fact he won't apologise shows the 'context' is irrelevant. If he was any kind of decent, genuine person, he'd apologise. The fact he hasn't speaks volumes.

Also this is the second time he's called her a freak. This is a pattern, not a one-off. I would not let him back, and would bag his things and leave them on the footpath or gutter if he is not even human enough to apologise.

THIS! Enabling disablist abuse means he will get more bolder.

And THIS especially this part: I would worry/suspect though that he probably hasn't been this wonderful person that OP thinks he has, if she accidentally overheard this who knows what else he has been saying to this child when OP isn't around. You don't go from loving someone and doing all you can to support them to calling them a freak in one easy move.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has bullied this girl when the OP is not around, puts on an Oscar-worthy act when she is, and the little girl doesn't have the tools or the ability to say what is really happening.

Thank goodness there are people who have the critical thinking faculties to see beneath the surface and see the harm, and not just excuse such use of a term as 'harmless' and 'context needed'. There is never any 'context' that excuses this, and amongst a sea of ignorant Disablists on this thread, it's good to see a few that are enlightened enough to 'get it'.

i think the context would help

Just noticed this thread was posted in child adolescent mental health section. Which makes the disablist comments all the more horrific.

I have autism. I call myself a freak sometimes, in a jokey way. As does my husband in a lighthearted way when discussing something I've done or said that isn't neurotypical. There's much worse insults than 'freak' that people, who have wanted to be nasty/ableist, have called me, so I genuinely don't get the outrage at this specific word. I think more context is needed and I think you should have listen to his explanation before kicking him out. What has your daughter said about it?

Considering you've only just noticed that after multiple posts, surely you understand that people weren't intentionally looking for that board.

There aren't any disablist comments that I can see.

The OP posted in children's mental health but hasn't actually said whether his comments have upset DD at all.

If anything, sending away the only father figure she's ever known is likely to make a worse impact.

I'm autistic and have autistic children, context is definitely needed. Who was he talking to? Did he say it to her? What was the tone like? Nasty/light-hearted/matter of fact? What was the rest of the interaction like? How much of the conversation did you overhear?

I don't really like the word 'freak' but my son is autistic and I sometimes describe him as a 'little weirdo' or similar, it's meant entirely affectionately so I would say context is important.

Suggesting that it's ok to call a child with autism a freak, is indeed disablist. This shouldn't need to be explained. It doesn't matter the context, calling a child with autism a freak is abusive and disablist. Also, sometimes victims of abuse have had only one father figure, that does not mean we don't remove them from harm. The arguments to keep him around are absolutely pitiful.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock it's not disablist ffs. He's called her a freak once before, before her diagnosis, so he's almost certainly not calling her a freak because she has autism

Like others have said I think context is needed

People with autism will not comprehend that sort of joke, and will take the comment literally.

@girlmom21 You're ignorance is sad. As someone with autism, I am telling you, it isz disablist. FFS when you're are told by someone it is, you don't stubbornly cling to your ignorance, you admit you are wrong.

We don't know if he called her a freak during the time she was assessed or not, so you cannot reasonably say it wasn't because of suspected autism.

People with autism will not comprehend that sort of joke, and will take the comment literally.

Well, they're not all the same...

I wasn’t diagnosed until well into adult life. I was called a freak/weird at school and every single time it hurt because I was very aware I was different.

so for those saying context is relevant, I disagree. And this highlights a huge issue - people not realising they are being hurtful or ableist just because “it wouldn’t bother them”
or it was just “banter”. (I have always hated banter btw, it just comes across as cruel to me)

you partner behaved terribly OP. But thank you for being so protective of your daughter. She will really appreciate this.

That may well be the case for many/most people with autism.
However that would not mean the DP was automatically being abusive, it could mean he is still learning how to communicate with the DD.

Without knowing the conversation (and the DD's take on it too probably) the OP can't know the DP's intention.

If he said it nastily and in reference to her condition - he is the problem.
If he said it jokingly just as a turn of phrase and you are being oversensitive - YOU are the problem.