dd12. Aspergers? Depression? or something else

[BLACKTUESDAY1]

DD aged 12 has been having a really hard time since starting secondary school. She is in year 8 now. She hates school and this is getting worse. She is very artistic and spends all her time at home drawing on her Ipad or if this is taken away for any reason she will just use pen and paper. She is obsessed with drawing characters from two games: Five night's at Freddies and Undertale (not sure if anyone has heard of these). she has NO interest in going out (she has never been out on her own or with friends). She has a small group of friends at school but says they irritate her and she feels she is 'weird' and doesn't fit in. She has no interest in her appearance, doesn't even brush her own hair and cares nothing about what she wears. She is becoming increasingly isolated and I know she is not happy. She is literally dreading going back to school after the easter holidays and her grades are really slipping. She has been begging me to homeschool her which wouldn't really be an option and would make her more isolated. She gets so upset and stressed when I take her Ipad away and would just happily sit in PJs and draw on it literally ALL day. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. She has a 10 year old sister who is not at all like this. I have seen the GP who has referred her to CAHMS but no appointment yet.

Thank you for all your kind words and advice. I am totally new to all this and feel a bit lost. My adult ds and other dd do not have these issues so have had no experience of asking for help. I have also really questioned my own parenting. I leave her on her ipad too long and feel maybe that's causing her issues but she gets so very upset when she can't have it to draw on i feel bad. I feel maybe it's my fault that she hates herself and has no confidence to go out alone. It is supposed to be my job to give my children confidence and social skills. I just want her to be happy and she really really isn't

If you work 3 days, that leaves 4 for homeschooling if you decided to? Hopefully there are some local support groups too - ours are not bothered if you have a diagnosis or not

It's not your fault. It really isn't, don't go down that path.

Some of our dc don't have self esteem, confidence, social skills etc. It's the way their brain is wired. We can only ever do our best for them.

If she has high anxiety then it could be that she is using "screen time" to be safe time. Lots of parents with young people with ASD and other anxiety issues might seem to outsiders as overly permissive over screen time. But it can be something they need to block out unwanted stimulation. (And my DD seems to learn more from her iPad than anything else.)

Have you spoken to your older DC about her and her difficulties? They may have insights, or be able to point out why she is having some of the difficulties she is having.

Thanks for your kind words. My adult ds is 26 and doesn't live with us and her sister is only 10 so can't really help. 10 year old dd has noticed dd1 is different to a lot of other kids her age and has always wondered why she never wants to play with her. We are taking them to a caravan park next week for a short break as they are still on school hols and I know dd1 will not want to go swimming/cycling or do any other activites with her sister. I am tempted to leave the I pad at home but somehow don't think that's wise

I would not leave the iPad at home!

First you are disrupting her routine, which adds to stress, she will already be more stressed because she doesn't have the routine of school (although she may also be more relaxed as she doesn't have to cope with school. Also she will have to live in much closer proximity to you and her sister - which for an introvert will be a major stress.
Her iPad and zoning out may well be her coping mechanism with this. One of my DDs does go for a walk alone when it gets to be too much, but her phone is also a key coping mechanism for her.

I would suggest you discuss this holiday with everyone before you go. Try to come up with agreed rules on screen time, things that you will do together, things you will do alone, and maybe an outline of what activity you will do on each day, and include time to be alone if the person wants.

Good luck.

Excellent ideas mummytime and I know you are right about the i pad. I have arranged a zoo visit and a day at a castle which are both activities which dd1 seems happy with. We will have to compromise so we all enjoy it without trying to make dd1 do too much. She has said she is looking forward to going though and I am happy about that.

Sounds good.

Now I need to get my DD comfortable about travelling by train on Monday.

I hope your train journey with DD went ok, mummytime. I met with the SENCO at dd's school today. It's the first time I have spoken to her school and it went really well. They were so helpful and listened to everything. They told me there are lots of others the same as dd and they even have a room where they can escape to at break and lunch when it all gets too much. They think Aspergers with dd from what I've told them. They are sorting her out a SEN passport?? and contacting all her teachers to make them aware. They are going to contact CAMHS. They will be talking to dd tom but have made me feel that we are not alone and very hopeful that dd can meet some like minded people at school. Hopefully she might start being happier there. They really were brilliant!

Glad school are being helpful. They should be able to push CAHMS but will be a long wait. I’d say go privately if you can for your DDand your sake. You need help now not in 3 years