Dd2 has been self harming and is also having panic attacks

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

I don't even know where to start with all of this tbh.

Dd2 is 13 and has always seemed slightly troubled tbh, but it just seemed how she was, which sounds bloody stupid now, but I just thought it really was just typical teen behaviour.

She has a big problem with social situations, and this has got worse over the last few months to the point where she will not do anything that involves contact with people she doesn't know.
When my brother bought his new gf round, dd sat crying upstairs. She was crying because she so wanted to come down and meet her but just couldn't do it.
She did eventually, after gradually moving down the stairs over the space of about an hour. Once she'd met her she was fine.

The other week she was supposed to meet a friend at the end of our road, but wouldn't go because there was people stood having a conversation by our house and she'd have to walk past them. In the end Ds walked her to the end of the road, she met her friend and as then fine to come back and walk past the people.

She won't pay for things in shops and if someone she doesn't know speaks to her she mumbles an answer, if she answers at all.

At school she is ok but is getting upset about having to read out in class or stand at the front and talk.

This morning all of this came to a head. Dd1 wasn't going to school because she was ill. Dd2 started to get angry saying she couldn't walk on her own (she has done previously sometimes). Then she got really upset and couldn't breathe properly, which i am assuming was a panic attack.
Over the next 2 hours i asked her about a million questions and figured out that there was something that she needed to tell me.
She wouldn't speak during these two hours btw, just used her hands and head to indicate answers to me.
Eventually I asked her if she been cutting herself and she nodded and cried and then had another panic attack.

It then took me about another hour to persuade her to show me her arms. Thankfully the cuts haven't been deep and i think most will fade, if she stops obviously.

I have an appointment with the doctors with her this evening, although she has said she won't speak to them.

I have absolutly no idea what to do next and i'm gutted that it has even happened. I had started to relax and thing maybe I was a good parent, and now i think I must be fucking awful.

I assume that DD is now on half term?
I would take this week to give DD a good break from it all and not mention school. I would also take this week to email the school or write a strongly worded letter telling them that you insist they help you.
Have a look at the school prospectus and see pick a few of the things they say about looking after kids welfare and let them know that they are not looking after your daughters emotional well being and in turn, her education is suffering.
Find out who the govenors are and which govenor is in charge of pastoral care...send them a copy of the letter or copy them in on the email.

Can you get your GP to write to the school? This is important!!

You will have to turn into the parent from hell but dont give up !!

Let your DD know that you are behind her every step of the way.

With my DD, I ended up just letting her have time off school and the reason I gave was stress and anxiety/school phobia.

I wonder if the school would send some work home for her to do for a while?

Keep going and keep strong....you always have the LEA to contact in your back pocket...

And remember, you are a GREAT mum xx

Just wanted to add my support as am in a similar situation to many of you. DD1 who will be 12 next week has selective mutism and social anxiety, has been school-refusing since last Nov (though step-by-step she is now going most days, most of the day once we can get her in, but only doing self-study in Student Support Centre, not in classroom) and we have to drive her there and back every day. We've spent many hours sitting in reception or in the carpark just in case she panics and needs to come out.

We have had to wait 6 months for the CAMHS referral to produce an appointment which was on Wed and thankfully the therapist seems good and DD liked her though of course didn't speak.

You've had good advice on here and I hope it helps to share and know you're not alone.

Hi, quick update (seem to be running around like a headless chicken atm).

Got a letter from camhs, and we are to ring for an appointment. It's at the same place Ds went, so I am really pleased about that, beccause I know they are good.

Dd2 is doing ok, bit up and down, but no more self harming as far as i can tell.

Will come back later and read peoples replies. Have got houseful of dd1's mates atm and can't concentrate lol.

Well it's sunday night and dd2 has just started kicking off about school tomorrow . She said she's not going, end of.

In the week we spoke about a different school, but she wasn't 100% she wanted that either. She asked if I could home school her, but I can't. I'm a single parent, with 2 other dc, so I need to work.

She asked if her dad could do it, but i can't begin to tell you how unsuitable that is, and it just isn't an option.

I leave for work at half 7 tomorrow morning. Wtf do I do ?

Meant to also add, that school are being crap.

On the friday before half term, when she refused to go, I rang them and asked to speak urgently to a certain member of the pastoral team.
They said she wasn't available but would ring me back.
I explained that ideally, I wanted to go into the school that day to speak with them about dd2, and that last time they were meant to get back to me, they didn't.

I rang again during the afternoon and got the same respone.

The person id been trying to get hold of finally rang me after school had ended. She couldn't be less bothered tbh. I explained what the G.P had said, and she said they need it in writing, and then asked if I still wanted to come in and see her, and the head of year. I said yes. So I am meant to be going at 8am on Wednesday.

Having just been where you are now, I wish I didn't fret about getting my DD to school. Making her go to school didn't help at all. It made her worse!

The school cannot do very much unless they have a letter from her GP. That was certainly the case with me. Once they have a letter, they have a lot more options for help open.

Personally, I would let her have the next few days off, until at least you have had the meeting and arrangements have been put in place to ease her anxiety.
Then I would consider easing her back into school gently for half days and as she starts some sort of therapy and starts to sort her emotions out and learns how to deal with them, then her attendance will increase naturally.

I realised in the end that my DD's mental health was far more important that the school attendance figures.

Oh, and when they get the GP letter, they can also send work home I think....

Thank you.

I am worried that if i let her have a few days off, she will never go back. She said I don't care at all and if I did i'd not be making her go, and would let her be home-schooled.

I just dont see how home schooling will ever help her.

Also, i'd have to leave her in the house alone, if I let her have time off, and I'm worried about the self harming while there is no one around.

As hard as it is, if she is going to self harm, then she is going to do it. The only way she will stop, is if the pressure is off and she sees the right therapist to help her learn different coping strategies.
She needs to get to the underlying reasons for self harming to stop the pattern. To just stop self harming without sorting the root cause will do no good!

You could let her have the time off until you have sorted things with the school. She must get up and dressed and do her school routine at home. she can do each lesson she would have had by looking things up on the internet.
she can show you what she has done when you get home. If she has made no effort, then she must go to school ..that's the deal!

She will go back, i am sure, but she really needs counselling to help her.

She has told you that school in hideous for her, so in her eyes, for you to be forcing her to continue to go, would make her think that you dont care. she needs to feel that you understand and that you are on her side and supporting her....
It is bloody hard, but when things are better, you will look back and realise that a few days, or a week from school showed her that you understand her problems, you trust her with the self harming. It will do your relationship with her some good.

She needs CBT to help her realise how destructive her way of thinking is. Would your GP be able to recommend one?
If you can afford one privately, it would be great for her!!

I did google CBT in my area, but didn't get very far. Any idea roughly how much it is ??

I feel so torn atm.

Hi TheOriginalNutcracker.
I hope things have improved for you and your dd now.
Are you getting support for yourself? This situation sounds stressful for you and you have to take care of yourself before you can help your dd.
I would strongly advise - as someone who had undiagnosed depression and anxiety as a teen (when I eventually couldn't cope with school any more I was misdiagnosed with glandular fever) - please don't make your daughter go to school.
An adult with that level of mental illness wouldn't be expected to go to work, and she's 13.
It doesn't mean forever. Maybe she will only need a few days or a week or two and then, as IndentityinCrisis said, maybe half days for a while.

OP you are doing brilliantly and are clearly a lovely mum.
i had similar issues as a teenager but still went to school as i had an extreme fear of failing. but i spent half the time being sick in the nurses office.
my parents never found out because i was very secretive. however there were other people who knew.

i turns out i have bpd.
anyway, i found it was helpful to have people to talk to but that i could not cope with having my self harmt policed.
it made the guilt worse then i felt bad and i dude it more and got more secretive.

but i was careful. and although i have scars i am still here.
so it may be best to talk to her about safety and hygiene and to clarify if she has suicidal feeling. i was absolutely not trying to kill myself just to feel better.

i hope she gets some useful help soon.
also if you can and thus will probably be difficult, exercise really helps with this. maybe some fitness dvds or an exercise bike off gum tree or something so she can exercise in the house. it is very good for reducing panic and brings on the same endorphhins as the SH.

Hi Nutcracker

I have just registered with Mumsnet as I am in the same situation as you. DD2 is the most beautiful wonderful daughter but her depression is heartbreaking.

Things started to unfold a good few years ago when aged about 9, she used to say she was so unhappy she wished she was dead - which to a parent is so alarming - and this occurred on a regular basis. I noticed many little things and to fast forward to today she regularly has breakdowns, long periods of depression, long periods of feeling worthless, ugly, low esteem, worry, worry about how others perceive her, worrying about others, serious self harm to get the adrenalin rush to 'forget', she sleeps maximum 4 hours a night - she worries About grades at school (she is Y10 and an A/B student in all subjects and in top sets) and regularly has to leave lessons because she can't cope. I have had meetings with her form tutor and head of year and they have been fantastic.

So, 9 months ago I took her to a new GP at our doctors surgery and she was brilliant. Within six weeks of being referred to CAHMS we were accepted. It took a further SIX months before our first meeting with a psychologist, which was three weeks ago, and we will be seeing a psychiatrist as well in two weeks. Four weeks ago it was so bad (she had cut herself so deeply that - adept as I am with butterfly stitches - this was almost beyond me) so another visit to the GP and she is also now on 20mg of Prozac. What sort of life is this for a 15 year old?

As a mother, I don't judge. I patch her up, I sleep with her when she is suicidal, I watch her, I love her, I try to help and I try to understand. I hold her when she is bad and will always be here for her. There is a long history of depression in my family (my mum has just finished a course of ECT) so I worry for DD2 future.

To me, she is a loving, sensitive, so beautifully stunning, caring and special girl. She has qualities so lacking in kids today. But she sees herself as ugly, fat, insignificant, worthless, stupid and useless.

We are at the very start of our therapy. Each session peels back the layers and sets her back so much but I hope that in getting down to the root of the problem we can move forward with CBT, get her off Prozac, and on to a normal life. More than anything, I want to stop worrying about her.

I hope that you have had some positive action for your daughter, my only advice is to really push to get her on CAHMS. I hope she is ok and that you are coping - it gives me a little comfort to know there are others out there in the same boat as me and if you read this and want support, I am here.

I xx