Car Seat in Minibus (Older Kid)

[BakerBop]

Looking some car seat advice please.

My daughter just turned 11yo and is small for her age. She’s moved groups for sports and dance and will be going in a minibus with other kids in the club each week. The club is great and they’ve checked her car seat fits in the minibus, know how to use it, etc. The problem is she’s begging me not to use it. She’s totally fine with it in my car, so it’s just being around other kids which is the problem because she’ll be the only kid in any sort of car seat (even including boosters). She’s nowhere near being able to be without it, so I’m just wondering what others have done or would suggest to help? Thx!

I’m a scout leader and we’d obviously support and accommodate the use or car seats on our minibus if requested.

But not even the beavers (age 6-8) ask to use car seats on the minibus and I simply can’t imagine any of the scouts (10-14) being willing to use one. They’d be beyond mortified.

can you not just give her a lift rather than subject her to this?

Thx. She's changed groups in her hockey (moved up) and the practice and games are at an activity centre not the local sports centre. She's changed dance which uses a room/studio at the same place. That's why the journey has changed and she'll be on the minibus. I think it would be possible for her to stay in her old groups but I don't want that for her - she's so excited to have moved up and wants to try different things and there's no way I want to stop her enjoying those things. :)

Thx. The organisers have been great about her car seat - I'm totally confident in them doing things right and they did great when they installed her seat.

I can't drive her unfortunately - I would if I could as that would be an easy fix. I just don't want to send the message that car seat safety is flexible, conditional, etc. I honestly think she'll be fine long term, she just needs to know that. But it's more the anticipation of being in her seat with other kids (some of who she doesn't know yet) not in seats that's got her worked up and begging not to use her car seat. I just need to find a way of giving her self-confidence over it.

The problem that you are ignoring is that she is not imagining her peers thinking it’s odd and saying something/making fun. Plenty of people on here have said that that’s highly likely as it’s very unusual for children this age to use car seats on buses/minibuses. My daughter went on a minibus and a coach in preschool and not one person sent a car seat. That’s how unusual this is.

I do not think you will get her to think that this is ok. I think other girls will make fun of her. You need to think how to help her with managing that, rather than trying to make her see that the seat isn’t a big deal. It will be a big deal to her whatever you say.

I say this kindly - you are on the verge of the teenage years and you're going to have to toughen up over things you're not willing to be flexible about.

So it's not a question of convincing her that it will all be fine, persuading her to be ok with it, etc. Because apart from anything else, you'd potentially be lying to her. You don't know that she won't get teased, won't be embarrassed or treated poorly or whatever.

You're not willing to be flexible over this so it's ultimatum time. Either she takes the minibus with the car seat, or she stays in the lower groups for her sport. You can help her coping strategies if she chooses to take the minibus.

You have put yourself in a position where you want her to agree that you're right. There are going to be plenty of times with teens where there is no way you'll convince them; instead you need to be clear what your red lines are and enforce them regardless of what the child thinks.

Explain your reasoning, set out the options, leave her to make the choice.

Oh poor kid.
I think you will just have to prepare her that she probably will get some bullying or teasing over it but it's non-negotiable for you, if she wants to continue doing the sport she has to accept it.

To the contrary - I'm not ignoring anything. I'm trying to engage with both the necessity of her car seat and how she might feel because of what she says. I'm posting to help find a solution that will at least go some way to reconciling those things.

Thx. I appreciate the perspective. :) You're right about being straight and clear with her about it and I would never want to be otherwise. I just want to send the right message about why her car seat is so important and also let her know that it doesn't need to stand in her way. I'm just trying to find the right way to approach that dilemma. Maybe it is as simple as an ultimatum after all. Thx. I know what tonight's conversation will be. :)

Thx. I'm aware of that but you're right about it being non-negotiable. I think it probably is an ultimatum. Thx. :)

My older DC was rear facing til 6 and I still think you're being ridiculous.

she's so excited to have moved up and wants to try different things and there's no way I want to stop her enjoying those things. :)

But you are stopping her enjoying these things. You keep saying things like 'I'm sure she will be fine' 'find a way of giving her self-confidence about it' but the reality is that she will be teased a lot, you will be known as the weird mum, and this will likely do long term damage to your relationship with her.

You do realise that even if you go and fit the seat on the minibus she’s unlikely to ever sit in it? The booster seat will be sat there… she will be sitting over there… You really need to let this one go. Travel in a minibus is totally different to a car.

You sound very anxious about travelling. Is there a reason for your anxiety? I don’t know anyone who made their child sit in a car seat at 11. I don’t know anyone who’s had an accident with their child in the car.

You do realise that many, many people can’t actually afford the recommended car seats? Most just have the bare minimum to stay within the law. Nothing happens. The risk in a minibus is so, so low, this really isn’t the hill to die on.

Young girls have enough barriers to prevent them from playing sport. Please don’t make a sodding booster seat stop an 11 year old doing sport.

It's not just having the car seat. She won't be able to choose where she sits in the van, or move to another seat. Her friends might sometimes want to sit in different places, but she'll be stuck where she is.

I’m afraid OP that there isn’t a strategy or tips to make this better for her. Nothing you say will persuade her that this is something she will want.

If this is a non negotiable for you (and honestly I think you’ve lost sight of what the risks are) then you offer it as a non negotiable based on your decision. After all, legally she does not need a car seat in this situation.

As a fellow parent who has kids that travel in minibuses I find the idea that you have deliberately bagsied the ‘safest’ seat a little off-colour, ensuring your child is ‘safest’ whilst the others are theoretically less safe, rather than random allocation as is normal. I’d love to see what would happen if another anxious parent requested the ‘safest’ seat for their child. How would you sort that out?

OP this is a really tricky one. I do agree with many others that she will more than likely be teased and the fact that she can't choose where she sits on the bus will mean that she may well become isolated as friendship groups form.

However, I really respect your decision and ultimately as her parent it IS your decision. I'm thinking that you may have some experience of a loss due to a car accident and if so I completely understand why you feel so strongly about this.

Only you know your daughter and if she is a confident girl in which case she'll be able to bat off any comments that are made by her peers.

If you're determined that your daughter needs a car seat in the minibus to go to her sport, then all you can do is explain your reasons to your daughter. I can guarantee, she wont care about your reasons, which may be perfectly valid - all she'll see is her, being mortifyingly embarrassed.

She's 11, presumably Year 6, and due to start secondary school in September, and she will be acutely socially aware. There's nothing you can do or say, that will make her see your point of view.

The fact she's known these children for years is irrelevant. Children who she's known since birth are just as likely to take the mick out of her, as children she's met recently. She's just going to have to motor on through, and hope the children don't take the mick or if they do, it doesn't last long.

I'm guessing there will also be older kids on this mini bus if she has moved up to her next group. Honestly OP, being a teenage girl is hard enough, adding this humiliation is so unnecessary.

@BakerBop the law requires them until they reach 135cm in height or turn 12 years old, whichever comes first. If she turns 12 before she hits 135cm will you let up?

Thx. I understand what you're saying and I genuinely think you're being constructive which I appreciate it.

First - she knows to buckle up and stay buckled. In my car she does that all herself (except for tightening up which she obviously can't do herself) and she knows to only unbuckle when the engine is off. Because she knows how important that is she also knows she would be in extremely serious trouble if she ever unbuckled.

Also, while I don't think you're being accusatory - I really don't - I did just want to clarify a few things...

Yes, I am aware more conscious about car seat safety than most others. But that should not be equated with some sort of correction for some past event. Everyone should take car seat safety seriously and there are many mums here that clearly do. But not enough people do. There are way too many kids out of car and booster seats too soon. If anyone is reading this post from that perspective, please don't make anyone think you "need" or "must have" past trauma to ensure you are doing the best for your kid(s). I don't think that's what this poster is saying at all, but I see that it could be read as such.

Second, and again I think this is just confusion not accusation in any way but I want to be clear: I am doing all this so she can move up groups, so she can do the dancing she wants, so she can meet more kids, so she can go to other places all while showing her responsibility about safety. I'm not sure how ensuring she does all that qualifies as putting up any sort of barrier. I'm not sure that's what you meant at all but I did want to be clear in case others read it that way.

Also, if - and I honestly don't think it is - this is some sort of accusation of me being privileged or elite in some way and that the purpose of my post was to somehow "shame" people who can't afford car seats - or that my post would do this unintentionally, then that is a serious misreading of the situation and my post. Again, I stress that I honestly don't think you are saying this, but I say this because it could sound like this to some. I am well aware of those who don't have much (I grew up one of them), and I never at any point have I or would I indicate others in such situations are somehow failing or less than others. I'm not made of money and I'm well aware a 600 quid car seat is a lot - and trust me because I bought two of them!

Anyway, I don't think you meant any of this in such a way at all, but I did want to be clear in case others read it in such a way.

I appreciate you answering, but I think you're labouring under a misconception. :)

First, I'm not looking for her to "want" her car seat - only to understand why it's still important in situations which are different from that which she's used to. I never expected her to come around to my viewpoint. I just want to be as prepared and helpful as I can be for her so I send the right messages in the right way.

Second, I did not request, suggest, or even ask for any specific seating location in the minibus. The decision came from an unexpected conversation I had with the two staff who manage the minibus. I specifically said I'm happy to work things if it meant her car seat could be accommodated.

And to your last point - if another parent requested something similar that would be fantastic! :) It would mean I would have someone else who takes car seat safety very seriously, it would likely mean there would be another kid on the minibus in at least a booster seat (if not a car seat like my daughter), and that would help not just both kids, but all the adults and other kids too. I would love for that to happen.

With the greatest respect, I don't think you do understand what every poster is saying. It doesn't sound as though your DD is stupid, so she undoubtedly understands that a car seat is safer for someone of her height, age & build. However, she also understands that she will be humiliated and teased (kindly or maliciously) by being made to look different. She will already be one of the smallest and youngest and your insistence on using a car seat will highlight this to every other child on the trip.

I'm not sure if she's year 6 or 7, but the teasing won't stop when you no longer insist on a car seat. The nicknames and the laughter will follow her. I always encouraged my DD to do sport snd other clubs as a safe space outside of school. You're consciously removing that from her due to a tiny perceived risk.

What does she do when she goes on coach trips with the school?

What does she do when she goes on coach trips with the school?

I cannot actually believe you are enforcing an actual car seat for an 11 year old. I thought it was odd enough that you wanted a booster but an actual car seat? That she can’t even get into on her own and needs a grownup to tighten for her? There’s literally no way that’s not going to be hugely isolating. Poor kid.

My kids are 9 and 13. My daughter was the last of her friends out of her booster seat as she’s tiny but even I relented by the time she was 11. I made kids use boosters in my car for ages after they were done in their own cars but my son has been finished with that for some time now - and his friends for longer. I am very safety conscious - cut grapes in half and held hands and all sorts but this really seems absolutely beyond any of that.

But of course it’s your kid and your rules so it’s just a decision she will need to make. Please don’t lie to her and say it’s a legal requirement as that’s suggesting everyone else is breaking the law which will be distressing. Also don’t promise that no one will make fun of her - you are putting her in a situation where she needs to have a thick skin so you need to be honest with her. She will be on her own as she cannot move seats and the other kids will notice and likely say all sorts but it’s up to her if the activity is worth it. I agree with most that after once or twice she will likely quit anyway so you can have a more sedentary child who I guess is safer.

I personally think the benefit from active participation in sports and activities is worth a slight risk of injury (my daughter is a dancer so takes plenty of physical risks). Many studies show how vital it is for girls to stay active through puberty and too many don’t (including me) which is devastating for their future health (mine is terrible and I want better for my daughter) so please make sure this is worth it to you.

So there’s really no justifying this - it’s your choice and she complies or quits, just that simple really. I think you really would need to give her an end date to all this though - is it 12? A specific height? When can this stop?

Are you still using the reins OP, or did you not find any to fit a 9 year old?