Mum has pain and a lump

[LookingForAHandHold]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a handhold really as my mum has given me devastating news tonight.

She's had pain in her breast for about two weeks now, she's gone to the doctor and while she can't feel a lump he's felt one and sent her on the two week wait pathway for a mammogram at the hospital.

I'm only in my 20s, I'm terrified and just want to cry. I can't lose my mum 💔 just looking for some reassurance or any positive stories really.

She's said it's a little better tonight, so hopefully that's a good sign.

I'm just terrified. This time tomorrow it could be a totally different dynamic between us. I'm not ready to transition from child to caretaker, as selfish as that sounds. Of course, I'll do it. But it just feels like it's so early.

My love, stop this. Your mum isn't an old lady, she's 6 years older than me and I've got a 13 year old. I'm five years past treatment. Let's just wait and see what happens tomorrow. You might get a conclusion, you might not. I've had a few days of one sore boob, the one that had cancer is numb so that might have been sore too. I don't know though. Your mum is still young and if anything is wrong, she'll be treated and will likely be fine. You are carrying far too big a load here without anything to justify that! I know you're scared but you just have to calm it and wait and see. Whatever happens, you will be ok!

@TheFormidableMrsC I just know a lot of the normal responsibilities she has - childcare for other members of the family, going downtown shopping etc., will fall to me and im just worried I'll let them down. I feel like im failing my parents a lot already and now im worried ive lost my chance to prove myself to them

It sounds like both you and your mother have a tendency to catastrophise, which really doesn't help either of you. Have you ever had any help for your anxiety?

You are both leaping ahead to the worst possible outcome, which sounds as if it is the most unlikely outcome. Even if it is cancer, breast cancer survival rates are now very high and treatments are improving all the time.

A catastrophising mindset might make your mother reluctant to go through very effective treatment - please try to calm down and deal with what happens one step at a time.

I am writing this as someone who went through cancer treatment last year, after losing a close family member to the same type of cancer a few years ago.

@SoloSofa24 im not telling her that I feel any of this, so im not sure how my anxieties will prevent her accessing treatment?

“Caretaker” for someone who’s not even been diagnosed yet is a bit silly. I’ve had breast cancer and apart from a few weeks anffer my op and another few near the end of chemo I’ve still been at work! I’ve been driving and cooking for myself , going out to do things , getting 7000 steps in per day etc.

Id balk at the idea that my partner has become my “caretaker”!

IF your mum has anything other than the more likely cyst she might not need any caretaking she might not even need chemo or radiortherapy.

I mainly meant your mother's own mindset - if she thinks she is doomed from the start, she may think it is not worth even trying. But unless you are very good at concealing your own feelings, she will see that you are anxious and expecting the worst as well, which could reinforce her own feelings.

I hope tomorrow brings you more information and some reassurance.

@aodirjjd that's generally how things tend to go in my family, my dad also tends to always somehow fall ill when someone else is ill. So the thought of this just completely overwhelms me

You can't carry this on your shoulders. You need to stop and breathe. You are assuming the worst and she's not even had the first appointment! I think you should see your GP about your anxiety and get that sorted. It's not healthy and you can get some help to stop it.

Also, why do you have to "prove" yourself?
That's madness!

Sounds like your dad falls ill when all the attention isn't on him. Take a step back here. Formulate a plan if you need to, you very well might not. This is madness at this stage. You need to get some help with your anxiety first.

Because I've not done anything to make her proud

The fact that you sound like a loving, caring daughter and a decent human being has made her proud I'm sure.

Please get help with your anxiety. You are ignoring all the comforting and realistic advice you are getting, which, apart from anything else is dismissive of the people on this thread who are sharing that they have actually had cancer.

My mum had a painful breast lump. Turned out it was a cyst.

Why would this fall to you? And why do you even have to do it?
Other family members should arrange their own childcare and shopping trips.

Very irresponsible of the doctor to say it is probably cancer. That is the least likely scenario. Painful lumps can be from many other things.

If she needs a carer, that should be her husband. Not you!

I do agree with that to a degree, there has been zero response to anything positive n unfortunately 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree. GP's are not qualified to diagnose breast cancer.

@TheFormidableMrsC I've thanked multiple posters for their positive stories.

@LookingForAHandHold I mean it kindly but "not done anything to make her proud" is utterly ridiculous. You do you. Your life is not about making other people proud. I feel you have bigger issues here.

I didn't say that, I meant that rather than focus on all the really good news in relation to those of us who have actually been through it, you seem to assume it's a done deal and your mum is already dead. I realise and have said repeatedly that there is an anxiety issue. See your GP asap. You're having a horrible time that I totally understand but you are catastrophising!

Please try not to worry. But of course you will!

I shan’t bore you with my history of lumps but the upshot several years on was a malignant tumour.

I was treated very quickly, had a single mastectomy and 8 years on I’m fit as a fiddle.

You are statistically very unlikely to loose your mum as a result of this. X

She's rewritten her will and not sleeping for worry

I can see where you get your tendency to catastrophise from😳

I am saying this as a woman in her early 60's who had her own breast cancer scare earlier this year. Yes, I was anxious as I went thru the process. But rewriting her will?!! This is over-the-top dramatic.

Breast cancer is not a death sentence. Your mother doesn't need to "get her affairs in order". You should encourage her to contact her GP and see if they would be willing to prescribe just a few anti-anxiety pills to get her thru this acute phase. The two of you cannot continue to carry on like this.

BTW, I ended up having two benign breast cysts at age 63. It's not that unusual.