Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

To be fair, I think this is a reasonable thing to say. When people hear the word “cancer”, they’ll often assume it’s going to be the same as the people they see in TV programmes dying, or their grandparents becoming ill and dying quickly. But cancer is a hugely variable experience, and some cancers are way “better” to have than others.

Yes, my first oncologist pretty much did this to me; with an annoying head tilt and a stupid voice! Just I as was fresh from a full hysterectomy ( for a totally different cancer!) 🙈

That's truly awful - what sort of a friend does that? Do you still speak to her now? She doesn't deserve you to! I have a friend who every time we speak talks incessantly about the Zoe app and all the healthy life stuff she's doing. I find it bloody insensitive and have developed a bit of a hatred for the Zoe app and Tim Spector as a result!!

My brother who lives in Scotland sent me a Tartan tam o shanter with orange hair attached - so probably don’t do that but it did make me laugh at the time.

My oncologist excitedly told me I was so fit and healthy she could sign me off for all my treatments at once. I replied “Apart from this thing which might just kill me?” and she said “Oh yes, sorry, apart from that” 🤦🏻‍♀️

@tadjennyp thank you 🥹

Corker from the very strange woman I went to talk to about wigs..."well it's unlikely you're going to die, but your hair certainly will", and then tried to sell me a real hair wig for £2000. My daughter who was with me muttered 'what the actual fuck' and we left shortly afterwards. We did manage to see the funny side (just about).

My BiL got it completely right by sending me a text after my diagnosis telling me that he was sure I was found to be ok and not to worry as 'only the good die young'...it really made me smile as he got my sense of humour perfectly. Several of my friends also were very sweary about the whole situation which also helped.

My dad had terminal cancer when a family member brought her new boyfriend to meet the family. He was prob feeling a bit awkward in the circumstances, but he told my dad that, "It must be nice to have the time off work."

« Well I won’t get cancer because I eat my 5-a-day »

When my mum got given a terminal diagnosis with weeks to live, her sister kept saying, “Well I do know what it’s like because I had breast cancer.” She’d previously had a small lump removed and a bit of radiotherapy. No way comparable! She also told my mum to be more positive and to get counselling 😌

Tbh I do think the less said the better in a situation like this.

Another one with incurable cancer here. I can relate to so many of these! Although reading these I’m also shocked at how awful & tactless people can be.

I personally find it really difficult when people try to make me feel better by relating my cancer to an experience which is in no way comparable. So for example my aunt said something about how she knew how I felt as she once found a breast lump & her life flashed before her eyes & she imagined leaving her children motherless. This was before she’d even had it checked out & they found it was nothing to worry about. Or the classic ‘well I could be hit by a bus tomorrow’ which I know has already been mentioned & ‘none of us know when our time is up.’ I know people mean well but it’s really misjudged. Some of us do have more idea about when our time might be up!

Also, anything to do with people being cured by diet, supplements, reiki etc. Speculation on why I’ve got the cancer & telling me to keep positive.

The best card I received after diagnosis was from my cousin & it said something like ‘what a kick in the bloody balls’ then a message from him saying he was sorry for such shit news.

I must add I don’t judge people that harshly as I know it must be difficult to know what to say. I’d also rather people said something than nothing because they were worried about what to say.

The best one I’ve had so far is “breast cancer is a result of deep sadness in the heart” with an offer to help me release that. Definitely left me speechless, that one

Just out of interest - what sort of things ARE acceptable to say to someone who tells you they have cancer?

I'm sure the last thing most people want to do is add to your pain. Some people are genuinely insensitive twats but the majority of people aren't.

My employers at the time were absolutely fucking fabulous. They sent me this package of things by a company called something like chemo care - so it was put together by cancer survivors and had stuff in like black nail varnish, a little cushion to take to chemo to prop your arm on, fragrance free moisturisers etc - it was just really well thought out and made me feel like someone had done their research so the thought that had gone into sourcing it by my employer and then the thought that had gone into putting it together by the company/charity they’d got it from made me feel very cared for. Could be worth looking into to send?

Thank you that's a lovely idea

Yes, I think you're right. At my book group, it started a buzz of conversation and stories of someone they knew who got cancer and died six months later. That sort of thing...

I saw this co years ago and bought someone the sweets and a hat, she said she loved the hat and it was really soft inside.

www.notanotherbunchofflowers.com/collections/chemotherapy-get-well-gifts

@Aniseedtwists i like your cousin’s card. I felt like some of my straight male friends were actually a lot better at just saying what utterly shit news and that was enough for me.

Eugh. I was volunteering near my hospital with someone recently and made the mistake of saying had to go over the road to see my breast cancer nurse. When I came back she solemnly took me to one side to present me with her business card as Angelic healer 😠 I know people mean well but I had to stop myself from being nasty and saying ah well I’ll bin all the drugs shall I and just throw money at you and your angels! I find this kind of shit predatory. Haven’t been back to volunteer again now because I’m still working out what to say to her if she offers to lay her hands on me again 😤

@LeFromage yes I agree with that. No analysis, recommendations or advice just ‘sorry that’s really shit.’ It felt good to have that acknowledged.

What is it with mothers??? Some of the shit they come out with. My cancer is unknown primary but in my groin lymph nodes and I’m now on a second go at a different stronger chemo. I’ve seen her twice in 18 months because she can’t face me. Some gems.

”stop telling everyone you have cancer”
”you should be doing at least 30mins aerobics every day”
”why do you still want to go to Glastonbury at your age”
“you’re always treating yourself to lunches with your friends no wonder you can’t lose weight”
”my friend is 80 and still playing bowls she won’t let it beat her”
”you aren’t on as many tablets as me”

and my brother who I get on with
”your left leg is all puffy, that’s the beginning of the end” And is forever telling me about his mates my age who have cancer.

my sister is lovely but because I’m upbeat and my hair has grown back thinks I must be cured. I’m not even halfway through chemo😀

Oh dear, I had to laugh at those @EachandEveryone, esp that you should be doing 30 mins of aerobic exercise every day 😂.

I think the person who said that is the result of deep sadness in the heart!! Or certainly the cause of it!! What an absolute wank-talking plonker.

Dunno @EachandEveryone but it’s been a revelation (and a comfort in that misery loves company way) to hear all the other terrible comments from mothers on this thread. My mum was always competitively ill so her 2 daughters being diagnosed after her quite quickly was her worst nightmare. She even told my cousins I must be lying after telling me to tell none of the family because it would ruin Christmas (I was diagnosed day before Christmas Eve) and then phoning family to tell them all! (Even though I was probably lying!) just utter self obsessed madness.

Actually I hate it when people say “I’m sorry to hear that” it’s usually accompanied by that tilt of the head. They are either working out what they are going to wear at you funeral or planning a quick escape and making a mental note to screen for your calls.
Don’t feel sorry for a cancer patient it really makes you feel that you’ve already been written off.
suggestion you eat some crazy diet or read a book on manifestation is another favourite. You really can’t think cancer away.
“But you’re cured now” is another favourite. No, cancer is a bit of bitch, your yearly mammogram is like Groundhog Day and once the appointment lands on the doormat you go through the whole nightmare wait again.