Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

“Are you sure? You look so well”

yeh I just made it up as a conversation starter

It depends a bit on the situation but in the majority of cases cancer with a good prognosis is better than cancer with a bad prognosis but it's still cancer and that still has an impact on the person. A lot of the time it's going to involve surgery and/or chemotherapy which isn't pleasant. And a good prognosis is almost never a guarantee of a good outcome so the patient may still be worried that they will be the in the x% that has a bad outcome despite the good prognosis.

I think the key is to read the room. If someone is clearly relieved, saying no further treatments needed and minimal follow up then it's fine to say that you're relieved and happy for them. If they seem worried or distressed or are talking about needing more treatment then it's more likely that "Sorry to hear that" is a more appropriate response.

If I'm very honest, and I'm not saying I speak for everyone by any means, making the cancer patient responsible for your feelings seems wild to me.

So as in my example, my mother wanting reassurance that I'm alright before the end of every call, despite having a tough week/ month.

Or, joining a thread for cancer patients/ those affected to vent about stupid or upsetting things that have been said to ask for gift ideas or more and more tailored advice on what to say rather than reading and summarising the thread for themselves.

Not saying those aren't valid threads to start in themselves but it's (in my view) a live example of people centring their own feelings and wanting reassurance from the wrong source.

Of course it's an open forum but it's an example to me personally. 'what should I say' or 'what should I buy' depends very much on the individual, surely?

The care boxes, btw, nice but a bit impersonal. Great from an employer but I got about 5 from friends. I'm grateful, and of course expressed a lot of gratitude, but would frankly have preferred more regular check ins, or something chosen personally from close friends.

@Catunderling

I thinks it's interesting that multiple people have asked what they should say.

Have they even read the thread if they haven't noticed the questions already been asked and answered?!

That's a bloody good point which I hadn't thought of actually. I ended up feeling not only did I have to list what you should say (which tbf varies very much from person to person) but also give egs of lovely things people had said / done in the interest of fairness and not being mean spirited/

But I actually created the post to vent about silly stuff said!! (Sometimes by the same people who have said or done lovely things if I'm honest - the two aren't mutually exclusive!). And the idea was for others to share their experience of that.

I think with gifts it's very much based on the person too. For me it would be home interior magazines and creepy literary novels - quite niche!!

My friend lives overseas so I can't help her. I'm going to send her a few little things but I'm aware others may have done the same . I just feel so helpless that I can't physically be there for her, I'd like to think that's not about me though rather than I want her to feel thought of (I'm thinking about her all the time). I message her and try and say the right things but even though my own Dad died from cancer it's hard to know what to do that is right 😞

The best one for me has been the friend I told this week who replied “ oh I’m sure they’ve caught it early “ and then proceeded to tell me about her carpal tunnel surgery

@EachandEveryone aerobic exercise ?? Dear lord. Why shouldn't you treat yourself to lunches? What's wrong with Glastonbury?? Urghhh!!! 🙈

This made me chuckle.
The " But you look so well" comment is a classic all rounder I think. 🙈

Asking repeated advice on the same thing. Adding more details about your feelings. Some posters responded kindly. In my opinion, it would have been better to leave it there, or start your own thread. This is an example of what can be maddening. People not reading the room and making comments that are all about themselves.

Anyway, as I say, that is just my opinion, not saying everyone will agree.

Seems the " cancer corkers" are rife, given the vague stats of 1 in 2 of us getting cancer (?). Most of us know someone affected by cancer, or are indeed dealing with cancer themselves. It's so complex, totally life changing and an absolute arse.

I'm on my third ( treatable but incurable).When my emotions run high, my partner misinterprets this as somehow not being " grateful" for the drugs which currently treat me. Of course I am grateful. But with treatment, comes with a price.

My brother rarely asks how I am. Ignorance is bliss! Parents ( and righty so) just want to hear treatment is working. " best friend" friend couldn't give a royal shit!

The loveliest comment, was from my dentist recently.

" Hello Enigma, how are you?
" Fine thanks"
" You've been through the mill, how are you coping? How is treatment going for you?

And so it went on. He still charged me full whack for a check up 🙂 But he was so kind. Now he's retiring 😢

Right, I'll bow out now in that case. Sorry if any offense was caused, not my intention whatsoever.

I agree @Catunderling, lots of questions about what people should say when various posters have already given plenty of ideas. We shouldn’t have to keep answering this again & again, this thread is for having a bit of a rant!

Unhelpful:
I know you will be all right,
I know how you feel
It’s v treatable,
Treatments are so effective now
My neighbour/cleaner’s sister in law/ second cousin had it and is fine/dead
Hair loss is expected and temporary, and you’ve had short hair before and it suits you (said by the vainest, most appearance
obsessed woman I know)
Cancer is a Gift (from a counsellor!)

Helpful:
That’s really rough. I am sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it, I’ll listen, or would you prefer not to discuss it?
Which appointments shall I help you to get to? What time do we need to leave?
Let’s plan to do x when you feel up to it, & of course we can ditch it if you’re not up to it

@GrannyGoggles the treatments are so great these days is one I’ve had thrown at me a lot ,it’s annoying

@Rockschooldropout Its’s true. AND annoying . I am grateful for and lucky to have (hopefully) effective treatment. But those lovely, shiny treatments come with a shit load of strings attached.

@GrannyGoggles 'Cancer is a Gift'- wish it came with a receipt!!

With breast cancer the treatment can be very successful but tough. But it’s the hidden side effects for years after that often surprise people. I take Anastrazole and it is a killer on the joints, it flits around the body, totally bizarre. This month it is my knees failing me, last month it was my hands and wrists, carpal tunnel.
When you are hobbling around people are helpful with advice but just don’t understand that it’s not a lack of exercise or a poor diet but these bastard little white pills. Every days a lottery.
I have given up trying to explain that HRT is not an option. I don’t volunteer my cancer history but when women “helpfully” go on about the merits of HRT when you reach a certain age it really boils my blood. I was one of the statics who developed breast cancer as a result of taking HRT. When I eventually have to tell them, they then go into HRT defence mode, reassuring me that it’s been proved that HRT doesn’t cause breast cancer. You can’t win and the spiteful little devil on my shoulder hopes that they become a statistic too.

Couldn't agree more. I take letrozole and have no ovaries. It's an arse of a drug. The hidden side effects and scars of cancer are very real.

My “friend” said in a teary voice: “You don’t know how much your illness has affected me!”

WTAF???

Since when did my cancer diagnosis become more significant to a “friend” than to me??? I had the worry about leaving a 9yo without a mum above everything else and this woman makes it all about her.

I will never forgive this.

While I was explaining my mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction, my friend said “Oh you got a BOGOF from the NHS!” (i.e., boob job and tummy tuck). Some kind of tummy tuck with a giant thick scar across my whole mid-section.

Below are from get well soon cards and emails from work colleagues (many US based) when I went on medical leave for stage IV breast cancer. I appreciate their sentiments and where they’re coming from, and I know most are parroting common phrases and may not be aware of the full details of my disease.

“… this challenging journey of fighting the cancer…”

“Please stay strong and fight”

“Chin up and fight hard”

“I know you will fight it with all that you have”

“You are always so positive — the right mindset”

“Stay strong and positive”

“You are a strong woman”

“Keep that strength of yours and you’ll be through this in no time”

“You can beat this, yes you can!”

”You give it hell!”

On a positive note, I really liked the one below:

“Take it easy and do whatever you need to do to feel better”

She’s thought I’ve been too old for Glastonbury for the past 35 years😀 even though when I’m there she watches at home and tells me what she’s seen on tv is better than the bands I’m watching. She’s weirdly competitive. So off course going to Glastonbury with a picc line and bald head is terrible for her even though I glamp these days, she’s probably scared I’ll be seen on the highlights😀😀

Can you imagine the court case??! 😆

She is doing really well now thanks. We are 5 years post treatment which is why I can laugh about it.

Every time someone started to tell me about someone they knew who had breast cancer I would immediately interrupt and say, “Did they die?”

Thank you for taking the time to explain this. This is a helpful thread.