Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

What would you like us to say?

Ok I feel like it's maybe ok to ask you as you didn't experience yourself and I'm not asking for mental labour, but for this one: Prognosis sounds good

What should be said? I assume that comment follows someone with cancer talking about the prognosis and it is...good?

I know a few replies have said to say things like 'I'm so sorry' or say nothing; but surely if someone tells me their prognosis seems positive it would be odd for me to do either of the above?

You'll be OK, you have got the old woman's cancer (breast, aged 68). I felt a bit diminished. Even though all the time I was trying to play it down with my family, I felt a little unsupported when it was done to me.

Although to be fair, she was right!

I did. She told me I was being ridiculous and over sensitive. Haven't spoken to her since.

My dear sister didn't bother contacting me at all.

To those wanting to know what to say: don't minimise it or dismiss it. It's very frightening and very lonely going through cancer treatment. Everyone can be as nice as pie but you're the one having to face the fact you might die.
Just be kind and acknowledge how awful it is.

Another thing I would say, is that when you go back to work or whatever, people saying to " just put it behind you" is not helpful. My cancer was 20 years ago and I still live in dread of it coming back. Still flinch when I read of a character in a novel dying of breast cancer. It is never behind you. It becomes part of who you are.

Not me dp, "he'll be fine, I knew someone with that cancer they just whipped it out and he was fine" oh well don't know why we're all so worried then 🤔 people just don't get it do they or I think they panic and don't know what to say

I’m doing all your ironing.
We’ve organised a cleaning rota, is that OK?
I’ll come over and change the bed whenever you ask.
When can I drive you to radiotherapy?
Do you want me to stay with you for a couple of nights after chemotherapy?
Is there any food/drink I can get you?
Is there anyone you DON’T want to visit you?
Can I put all those flowers in vases for you?
Here are all my spare vases.
My aunt had breast cancer when she was 29 and she’s on an over-70s cruise right now.

I see that practical things are best, but we don't live in the same country so I'm talking about phone calls

Yep. Same!

Just listen? Nothing you can say will make things better unfortunately.

"Your far too young and beautiful to die" - from my completely narcissistic mother who has constantly criticised my appearance for the last 40 years

After all the surgery.... "your surgeon did a terrible job, can't they do something about those scars"

FFS

I had a DF (friend) who had glioblastoma which was very late diagnosed and she lost her coordination and speech within weeks. She asked me to tell our friends on her behalf and the responses were gobsmacking, I relayed very few and (to some extent luckily) she lost her sight pretty soon after so couldn't read the messages. Some corkers were:

• Oh that's what Tessa Jowell had, she was lovely, she gave a speech with it, surely DF will rally?
• Has she tried XYZ diet? She needs to remove the toxins from her body
• Stiff upper lip DF, you'll be fine
• Oh that has really upset my evening, I was planning to do XYZ but now feel so sad
• Has she thought about going to Lourdes? I am sure she can be healed

No, I know nothing I say will make things better, but I have to actually say something. Just saying I know over and over again isn't realistic?

I think this is true

The raw food, no dairy fascists are the worst.
Seriously, I hope your DD is OK now.

Same!

“Bad luck” said sympathetically was better than all the pink pom-poms and positive attitude pushers in my experience.

As mentioned ooh after your chemo you'll be able to have a boob job and tummy tuck (using the fat from your belly for the boob job) on the NHS! No fucking thanks I'll go flat thank you! Also the, ooh you have a lovely shaped head you're very lucky I'd have had an awful shaped head bald!
Best though which was cute was my DS's friend they were age 4/5 who asked if he could strike my head after the hair started coming back though, I obliged and he said it was softer than Max, his Labrador, bless him!

I would have punched her in the throat

All this!!

I'm desperate not to say the wrong thing to an overseas friend just diagnosed with BC 😢. I really want to send her a present, what would be welcome and what wouldn't please?

Thought of another one.

People who downplay how awful chemo is. Who say things like you'll just be sleepy. I wish it was that easy!

My oncologist was a model of tact, he snapped, a propos of nothing 'you know this is incurable, right?' well no, you haven't told me anything! Bloody hell. That took some getting over.

I'm here for you.
How can I help?
Would you like any help with anything around the house?
Sorry you're going through this.

Don't get me wrong. I've also had people say and do amazing things... I should probably start a thread on that too! But here are some lovely things people have said/ done:

-Crocheted me a beautiful blanket for me to cuddle up with my dog under while recovering from my surgery (even got hold of some some pet-friendly wool)
-Said well you haven't lost your sense of humour.
-Rang me up and said my camping trip's been cancelled so I'm free to walk your dog tomorrow as well as Thursday
-Told me my surgical stockings-with-shorts look made me look like I should be herding goats up an Austrian mountain (OK maybe not everyone would like that but made me laugh out loud!!)
-Told me she felt very reassured by the excellence of the team I had behind me (having come to two appointments with me)

I'm going through the same thing at the moment, and have heard a couple of these. I'm not ready yet to add my experiences. I just send solidarity to each and every one of you going through this right now.

💐