Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

I was told this too, but didn't have a problem with it. I would obviously prefer not to have breast cancer, but if it's the most treatable sort then I find that reassuring.

This week was:

Colleague: "So what are your plans now"

Me " Well the tumour has pushed through to my rib cage and is on my lung and it now looks like I have stomach cancer as well so I've decided to forgo chemo as surgery is too difficult so my prognosis is very poor"

Colleague " No, I meant are you going on holiday next year or booked any concerts and stuff" .......cue tumbleweed....

My awful SiL never offered a word of support through two surgeries, radiotherapy and tamoxifen. She did make sure to contact me a year after my treatment ended to tell me her best friend was stage 4 with BC and that if mine recurred it would a) kill me and b) wouldn’t be in my boobs but elsewhere so harder to find…
DH blasted her. She bleated that she was telling me in case I didn’t know…
Unsurprisingly, I am NC with her.

I have had thyroid cancer this year @hereismydog I have had a couple of ops and radioactive iodine treatment. Happy to chat if you need to talk to someone with the same experience.

Personally, when friends/family/clients say they've got cancer (or their partner or relative etc), I keep it practical, just say "sorry to hear that, what can I do to help". But OH and I are very practical people and don't "do" emotion, so people we know don't expect the "tea and sympathy" from us and likewise we don't want it from others.

@hereismydog Funnily enough, exactly what a friend of mine said to me! As well as "so many of my friends have cancer - did I tell you about XXXX who has whatever cancer - it's awful really awful, I'm so worried about him".

Yeah, you crack on being worried about all your other friends and yes, thanks a lot for doing internet research and being able to tell me it wasn't a SERIOUS cancer. Not like the cancers your other friends have.

A close female relative, when told I wouldn't be having a recon after my smx, texted 'oh, you'll be lopsided then!' followed by a laughing emoji!!

@verylongday DM is a malignancy you can cut out.

.

I think I just wanted someone to be practical and sympathetic without foisting advice. My best supportive friend was orphaned when she was 11 because her mum died of BC (her dad died of chicken pox when she was 7) and I just knew she got it.

There was no mention of fighting a battle, offers to come with me to chemo for company which she did and cleared her day for me (2 young kids not easy) when she came with me and feeding me nice food when I could keep it down. And lots of spurious chat on other topics without being minimising when my head just needed to be distracted.

So all I think you need to say if you care for someone is this is so scary for you I’m here what can I do practically to help you get to the other side of treatment and offer according to your time and skills where you might be useful. I’m still burnt from a lot of my friends reactions and general shitness while I was so ill and acknowledge them as fairweather friends now which means just as they were only around for the good times that goes two ways so am a lot less involved in their lives. Women who I thought of as distant friends (from school) however were lovely so it changed shit up a lot for me.

I must admit I wanted to be told that. I'd researched the types ahead! But I think it's all horses for courses isn't it? Which does mean, I must admit, that some of the time people can't win. However there are some truly awful things people say too...

@PaperbackWrighter Just so you know, people can click on the "Edited" button in your post to read what it said originally. If you want to delete your comment so nobody can read it then you need to report your post to MN and ask them to delete it.

Whaaaat?!

My now ex best friend

”I can’t cope with your cancer diagnosis, I’m not sure I’ll see you much”

she didn’t ever ring me again, and neither did I.

Can anyone recommend what we should say? I'm guilty of saying one day at a time which I thought was OK, but I see wasn't? What would people like to hear, it would be so helpful to know, thank you.

Oh thank you, I didn't know that. Most of the time it's just because I spotted a typo!! But very good to know!

To a friend of mine… “at least your head is a nice shape for going bald!”

My BIL to my husband who is stage 4 - “don’t go on about it, none of us know how long we’ve got.”

I've had the 'oh you'll be fine' - interesting how someone without medical training knows more than the crack team I have behind me!! I've also had 'I think you will turn out to be okay - I've got gypsy blood and I have a sense for those things." I replied, "That's what you said about that house that fell through for me!" She hasn't said anything like that since!!

I must admit though I only yesterday said to someone on mumsnet that BC is very treatable. So I'm no angel myself! But I guess I do find that comforting myself but must remember what I like to hear isn't what everyone else likes to hear (so I do have a bit of sympathy with some people saying the wrong thing. Only some though!

i think the most hurtful was my mum buying me a low cut swim suit 2 months after a mastectomy during Covid (if I’d had my hands removed she would have bought me an expensive pair of gloves )

nowhere near as bad as what she said to my sister when DS told my mum there was no other treatment my sister could have for her cancer and it was now deemed terminal “well what do you think that means for me then?” And turned boris Johnson up on the TV

to be fair to my mum she was having her own cancer treatment on and off (stage 4 ovarian cancer like my sister - we all have BRCA1) but god she was awful to us as her daughters with cancer. She was in her 70s and had great grandchildren - my sisters children were still late teens when she died aged 50 and my son was under 10 when I was diagnosed.

I had the oooh boob job and tummy tuck on NHS from my then best gay friend. People are really quite awful!

"I thought cancer was meant to make you look thin." - from my mother...

"Ooh you're so lucky, I'd love all that time off work." - from more than one colleague.

I forgot the absolute stonker I've had. "I'd rather have cancer than depression."

Well I've had both in my life and believe me I'd prefer the depression every time!!

That's actually made me have a little cry 😢

“You’ll be fine”
”Think of all the money you’ll save on shampoo and conditioner”
”We’ve all had a talk about you and we all agree you need to be more positive”
”The only thing that makes a difference is a positive attitude”
”’You’re lucky to have all that time off work”
”You’re so lucky you got cancer and your mortgage was paid off, some of us have to work for that money”
”I didn’t contact you for 6 months when you were having chemotherapy because I have a fear of illness and dying” (I was a single parent to a 9 year old)
”Stop feeling sorry for yourself”
”Don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself”
“Wow, you put weight on during chemotherapy!”

Hilarious - not. From a very lopsided survivor.

And not to forget that you can actually have cancer and then get depression too ffs!