Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

‘Why do all the best people die of cancer?’ Said as a knee-jerk reaction from one of my best friends so I don’t hold it against her but was a shocker at the time.

I had some absolute classics when my DD was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Best ones have to be someone comparing their dog having cancer with my child having it so they knew how I felt.

Oh and the recommendations of raw food diet, supplements etc instead of pumping her full of toxins ( chemo!) cos the NHS would just let me refuse my 11 year old life saving treatment because I thought I could treat her naturally

And the regular ‘you’re so strong, I don’t think I could do it’. Like I had any choice!

Thanks for letting me get that out lol!!! 😂

So sorry to everyone on this thread going through this or dealing with close family going through it.
Very helpful to read for me, as a friend has recently been diagnosed, and I was surprised how worried I was about what to say and saying the 'wrong' thing. Relieved to see I haven't said any of the above, but would also be good to hear from people what they DO find helpful? I know there's nothing you can say to make it better, but some guidance would be appreciated!
I tend to blurt things out so really hope I don't say the wrong thing.

You're so strong

I'm proud of you

Have you tried eating avocado

What I would have found helpful is offers of shopping, cooked meals, lifts to appointments etc and help with the kids ( when they were 5 and 18 months ) and I had primary BC. Now I've got SBC and in menopause, I'm just a cow and would scare any offers of help away! 🙈

Tnf rhis os the bit im looking forward to ;)

'stay positive' is very borderline for me, it depends on the spirit in which it's said.

If it's said because someone is unassumingly well meaning and doesn't have much understanding of cancer, or does have the life experience and that's what they believe, then I take it well.

If it's some armchair psych twat doling out two bob wisdom, I find it deeply irritating.

@Arcadia; I would have appreciated a friend telling me she would listen if I wanted to talk about it, or would take my lead if I didn't.

Both of my parents died of cancer a couple of months apart and I think a lot of people genuinely don't know what to say.

"so if you're not drinking then it's essentially a really good detox you''re having"

Mmm yes, lovely chemo and steroids, so cleansing!

"Maybe you could get a hair cut?"

Advice on cheering myself up from someone on the Macmillan support line-I was completely bald.

My personal favourite was "I just can't imagine what you're going through"
Really, you have no idea? I think you can and it's effing shyte isn't it. What you mean is "I'm glad it's not me"

Ooh this is a great thread. People eh!

After the inital shock reaction, Ive never had anything other than low-key- sympathy remarks and discrete enquiries.

Cancer is still the mythical Big C and people don't quite know how to respond. From the posts here, some do the over-reassurance and it can come across as dismissive when it is intended to be reassuring; others treat you like you're dead already.

It's exactly this kind of thing why OH hasn't told anyone about his cancer diagnosis from around 6 years ago. He's a private person and just can't cope with the prospects of stupid comments and fake sympathy. Besides medical staff, only he and I know and that's the way he wants it. Makes it hard for family and friends as it's not easy to explain why there are things he won't do anymore or why he sometimes has to back out of plans if he's not feeling well, but he'd rather that than have to deal with comments etc. A while ago, a cancer specialist nurse suggested he join a cancer support group to share experiences with others etc - he said hell would freeze over before he did that!

To me about my DH who has incurable cancer.
"But he looks so well?!"

And when I haven't said anything for a while because there's nothing more to say.
"Glad he's better now"

from my brother-in-law - "Don't worry about it - you'll be fine"

from a 'friend' - " Do you think that you were a bad person in your previous life? You know like so bad that you've been given cancer twice now?"

from a work colleague - "You fight it all the way - it's the battle you can win"

from a customer - "wearing masks gives you cancer"

I told my manager that this time I want no get well cards or inspirational cards.
I now have a selection of badges that say things like "Thou are a bell end" "Fuckwit" "Yeah, I hear you but fuck off anyway" etc all featuring cute animals saying rude things.

Not diagnosed (yet) but expecting to be based on what the radiologist saw when he did my scan and biopsy last week.

From my ‘best friend’ who has already been weird with me since I told her I was pregnant.

”Oh, well if I had to pick a cancer, it would be thyroid.”

True, it’s one of the most treatable cancers, but there’s no need to be so dismissive…! Bit of sympathy/empathy would be nice especially as I’m having to worry about my baby as well as myself!

All the shitty comments and careless/callous behaviour in response to my mum's cancer are why I don't really like people anymore.

Also, a while back I had a colleague who'd lost her hair due to chemo and was really anxious and self-conscious about it. Another colleague called her pathetic and told her to get over it.

Humans are really shit.

Said to a mum in my town whose 6 year old had just died of leukemia. "I know just how you feel, I had to have my cat put to sleep last Friday."

I had to chuckle at the " hell would freeze over" before your OH would join cancer groups. My DP has Parkinson's and said similar and I have secondary BC and pretty much think the same!

That is terrible. Just an awful insensitive crappy stupid comment.

That's so bad it made me laugh.

Bet you were stunned.

Not had cancer myself (to date) but several friends have (one currently terminal and one stage 4) and now my elderly dad has it.

I try to stick with things like, "That sounds really shit, I'm so sorry" then just ask practical questions such as what happens now, how long is the treatment, how are you feeling after the surgery, when is the next PET scan, how are you getting to and from the hospital (in my dad's case). Or I might be jokey with people I've always had a jokey relationship with.

Trying to remember if I've ever said any of the unappreciated remarks mentioned, I don't think so but I'll try not to. I know there's nothing I can say to make it any better, but what should you say? I'm a well-meaning kind person, I'd hate to upset anyone already suffering.

@Enigma52

People offered to take me to appointments but no one offered me any help at home or with the garden. It felt like they wanted to see the 'action' and do things they could brag to others about.

“Well you can just lop it off, can’t you?”

Re mastectomy and DIEP surgery for breast cancer

I was told at my ultrasound I had cancer, so the wait to see an oncologist was just to find out how bad it was and what treatment I needed, if I had £1 for everyone who didn't listen properly and said it might be good news from the oncologist I'd have had at least £5.

What you are doing is exactly what my friends do, and what I would do ( and have done in the past). Treat it like a normal health problem, not a mythical beast.