Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

This has actually been a good wee thread, I'm stage 4 BC with mets, treatable, not curable.
Anyway it's hard for others to sympathise when they don't know what goes on behind the scenes, being told I don't look ill is a hard one, cause I certainly feel it some days!
Also being told to get out more, get more exercise etc... sometimes I can't even walk because it's in my hips and lower back

I've only told a small amount of people cause the less that know, the less questions I will get!

So could someone please give us all examples of acceptable comments in this situation. When my wife and I löst our 13 year old son 17 years ago people would crossed the street to avoid having to speak to us about his passing. There is no right or wrong comment from my point of view, acknowledgement is all I need.

Not said to me but to my friend who had just had just had her ovaries and uterus removed following her diagnosis at the age of 57....." well look on the brightside, it's not like you'll need them at your age is it?"

My Mum used to go nuts at anyone who called it a fight, or a battle, or implied that "someone had lost their battle with cancer"

I give you an excerpt from a long bit I found she'd written on her iPad.

"Oh you're such a fighter"
"No I'm fucking not, I'm a normal woman just trying to get on with my life while a parasitic disease destroys me from the inside out. I'm not fucking fighting, I'm living, and when I finally die it's not because I didn't fucking fight hard enough or wasn't courageous enough or because I gave up. It's because I'll have fucking died. Fucking twats and their fucking euphemisms because they're fucking scared of the truth."

"You must try abc, xyz etc from Holland & Barrett."

My mum was diagnosed with cancer with 3 months to live, got absolutely no treatment. Her best friend kept saying to her and us, don't worry shel be alright/fine 🙄 she died 3.5 months later.

Your mum sounds awesome @Bobbotgegrinch, I hate the analogy of fighting a battle & winning or losing. I’ve always hated it even before I had cancer. I’m going to think of your mum’s words whenever I hear it.

@MaroonedinWales not sure if you've read the full thread so below are some quick links to clues on what to say to help you along! This type of queastion was asked (here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and answered in a few posts already within the thread.

From @Enigma52

From @Knittedfairies2

From @Rhaidimiddim

From @tam23

From @tothelefttotheleft and another one

From @taxguru

From @LeFromage

From @verylongday

From @AngelusBell and another one

From @PaperbackWrighter

From @Breakfastofmilk

And finally this good one from @Catunderling

To be fair, this thread wasn't set up to help guide people on what comments cancer patients want to hear.

As the OP mentioned later in the thread: "
But I actually created the post to vent about silly stuff said!! ... And the idea was for others to share their experience of that."

-

Edited to add an example of something a colleague wrote to me that I appreciated: “Take it easy and do whatever you need to do to feel better”

Believe it or not, the worst swearing I'd ever heard from her in real life was the occasional "Bollocks", and a "Well this is a bit shit isn't it" a couple of days before she died.

The tirade above was caused by the death of a good friend she'd met via a cancer support page on Facebook. It was the first person she'd met via that group to die, and I think it had made her confront her own mortality a bit, and she decided she absolutely loathed the stories people would tell themselves to make them feel better. She didn't want to be remembered as a fighter, a warrior. She wanted to be remembered as Marion, even if that included everyone knowing she was scared shirtless.

My brother said to me 'It could be worse' 😭😭 I've got incurable but treatable blood cancer 😅😭

Oh I have another one from am a Uber driver last week picking me up in a 4x4 after chemo.

one of my legs is swollen difficult to manoeuvre and he had a high up car with a sliding door. Obviously I’m woozy as well and it’s difficult to grab the handle.

”Hurry up I’ve see. Real disabled people get in faster”

I have cancer and I’m on chemotherapy.

”so what we could all die tomorrow, we could get ran over by a bus etc etc “ Christ I hated him.

This says it all. Very truthful and poignant words ( even the sweary ones!) 👏🌸

Oh and my beautician advising me that tumeric will do the trick

What a monument dick head he is!! 😡

Most of those messages in the OP seem well intentioned. This is why people don’t know what to say. I’d rather someone say something clumsy to me than avoid talking to me because they’re scared of saying something wrong. Be glad you’ve got lots of kind supportive people around you, not everyone does.

@Arcadia you asked what was most helpful? I had to tell a dear friend I had lung cancer while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. We were having lunch at the time and I was in two minds whether to tell we at all. She saved me from that internal battle. The first words She said was "what's wrong?" . I told her. She looked down for a couple of seconds, then looked at me and reached out to hold my hand. That was it.

We had a very nice meal and both of us survived. But just that action, reaching to hold my hand, was all I needed.

I often feel awkward in these situations and would most likely say something like you’ve said in your original post along the lines of take each day at a time, look after yourself. I’m sorry if you feel that isn’t appropriate, I would hate to make someone feel worse. Please may I ask what you feel is appropriate? @PaperbackWrighter

My partner had stage 4a bowel cancer and while in hospital my very religious aunt (RIP) visited and told him it was "all god's plan".

People never know what to say. Fear of saying the wrong thing kicks in, they panic and so say the wrong thing. Serious question and I mean it well - what would you like people to say or do? How would you like them to react? What is the best thing someone said to you ?

@EachandEveryone

You met a really wanker there. I hope you didn't tip!!!!

Stage 3 grade 3 lobular and ductal cancer spread to lymph nodes and these are some

"Oh you've had them off so it's done with now isn't it?" (No, life long chemo tablets, radio therapy and initial drips of chemo so no it wasn't bloody over)

"Think of it as a free boob job and tummy tuck" ( I had diep reconstruction)

"Could be worse, my auntie's spread to her brain and she died 6 weeks after diagnosis"

"Keep fighting you've got this" (I may sound grumpy and awful but this one really gets me because what exactly do you "do" to fight cancer?)

@LindaMo2

You've missed this......

MaroonedinWales
So could someone please give us all examples of acceptable comments in this situation. When my wife and I löst our 13 year old son 17 years ago people would crossed the street to avoid having to speak to us about his passing. There is no right or wrong comment from my point of view, acknowledgement is all I need.

@MaroonedinWales not sure if you've read the full thread so below are some quick links to clues on what to say to help you along! This type of queastion was asked (here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and answered in a few posts already within the thread.

From @Enigma52

From @Knittedfairies2

From @Rhaidimiddim

From @tam23

From @tothelefttotheleft and another one

From @taxguru

From @LeFromage

From @verylongday

From @AngelusBell and another one

From @PaperbackWrighter

From @Breakfastofmilk

And finally this good one from @Catunderling

To be fair, this thread wasn't set up to help guide people on what comments cancer patients want to hear.

As the OP mentioned later in the thread: "
But I actually created the post to vent about silly stuff said!! ... And the idea was for others to share their experience of that."

Edited to add an example of something a colleague wrote to me that I appreciated: “Take it easy and do whatever you need to do to feel better”

@Caerthynna

Thankyou for your post. I don't know how to do what you did but it's really nifty and I appreciate you taking the time to do it.

Good to know my tax dollars will be paying for your boob job then.
After telling the husband of a close friend of mine I would be having a mastectomy and reconstruction. Dick.

Oh, and "can I feel the lump?" (The day after my diagnosis) from my good friend who has health anxiety and wanted to feel my lump to ensure any limps she felt in her own breast weren't the same). Obviously at the time I numbly went along with it.
Now I feel incensed at the lack of sensitivity.