What do I do about my sons bully?

[CrystalQueen87]

DS 6 is being bullied by a girl in his class.
It started a few months ago when she was just saying some mean things to him but most recently it's progressed to physical bullying.
In the last couple of months he's had her nails dig into his arm and broke the skin, been kicked in the leg, punched in the tummy, and pushed over which resulted in cut and grazed knees.
I'm absolutely horrified and so sad this is happening.

So far I have:
Spoke to his class teacher each time an incident has happened, she has said 'I will keep an eye' and the girl gets spoken to or goes to time out.

What is the best way to go about dealing with this with the school please?
Am I over reacting?
The mum of said girl is totally not approachable as she is not someone who you could have a chat with about the situation.

I'm keeping a record of every time something happens and the date what happened etc.

Is this kids being kids or bullying?
I don't want to be that mum who makes an issue if kids are just bickering and being kids, but I don't want this to keep happening to my boy 😪

This will be an unpopular opinion especially as it’s a girl(but why should that be different to if it’s a boy) but I’d tell my child to hit her back, hard. Children pick on those they think won’t retaliate. You have tried with the school. Tell your son to fight back and that you’ll support him if the school try and tell him off.

I was thinking that, but I would bet good money on him getting the blame.

Totally agree and I’m glad someone else said it. Unfortunately it’s the only way, school won’t deal it it and the parents can’t be relied on either. If she hits or hurts him he needs to hurt her twice as hard. He may get in trouble with the school but you need to stand up for him and tell him you’re proud of him. It will be a small
price to pay to stop it as it will only get worse.

Tbh I agree with pp.

But one more time talk to teacher and report it to HT that you have reported physical bullying and nothing has been done, ask HT for a meeting to walk you through their anti bullying policy and how it is being applied, take your diary of bullying incidents in.

I got my DD into martial arts and it is brilliant - if anyone comes at her she instinctively block and will usually hurt you mildly whilst defending herself .

She got a rep for being tough at primary school - a rep she was happy to have.

Find yourself a copy of the schools anti-bullying and safeguarding policies. They MUST have them (it's compulsory).

Go through the policies and refer to them in a written complaint to the Head. Include a log of all incidents. Include the impact on your child. They absolutely have to take this seriously.

If you still find them ineffective take it further - including a copy of your previous written complaint to the Head.

Can you speak to the child? Her parents probably won’t like it but I’d be having a little word in her ear. The teachers should do more to protect your child. Sorry to read this.

@CrystalQueen87 absolutely do NOT speak to the child directly yourself.

This is a recipe for disaster - how would you feel if another parent "had a word" with your child?

I wouldn't go approaching the child in question. Not good advice. Stay well clear of the child.

You have done the right thing and raised the issue with the teacher. It appears out of her control to keep your child safe, so sadly, you need to teach your DS to keep himself safe and hit back, hard.
Likelihood is, it will stop a lot sooner.

When it happened with our DS, I called a meeting with the teacher explaining the advice I had given to our DS, and told her in this instance, our DS will not be getting reprimanded at home and we understand the school will need to follow their behaviour policy if our DS is caught hitting. Our DS did kick the bully back and he stopped (the advice would be the same if it were a girl)

I'd tell him to do whatever she does to him back to her. If it carries on I would also speak to the parent no matter how unapproachable she may appear to be.

This.

Keep a record of every incident and every time you have spoken to the teacher. If he gets into trouble for hitting her back this is your proof that he has been unsupported by those meant to look after him and was provoked into reacting.

Send an email of complaint.
Log every single incident, and a copy of their anti bullying policy, highlighting their short comings.
Copy in the school governors.

I feel for you OP. I'm an absolute psycho when it comes to other children hurting or bullying my child. So much so that all I can do when they tell me of any issues is sympathise, and send them to their dad for advice on how to deal with it - because mine would be inappropriate.

This is part of the reason why I prefer to put it in writing - stops me being abrasive to teachers when I feel as though my child isn't being protected.

If you tell your child to hit back that makes them no better than the person who is hitting in the first place. In fact you are sending the message that it's ok to hit. The school will apply their behaviour policy to him as they would any other child because he is making a conscious choice to hit.

You need to make an appt with the teacher, document everything and ask how they are going to put things in place to prevent it happening again. No school can 100% guarantee it'll never happen again, but they need to put something in place to reduce risk.

You ask the teacher why they aren't safe guarding your child and what they are going to do to prevent it happening again and why they aren't implementing their bullying policy.

We had this. My daughter was consistently
picked on in primary during years 1-2 and 3 by the same boy. She is polite and well
mannered. We reported, it continued. The last incident was the bully pulling her chair out from under her resulting in a nasty bang to the head. The next day I informed the teacher that my daughter would be pulling the chair out from under the bully. Teacher nodded. The bully never picked on her again. Sometimes a little self defence is the only way to go.

My fiend has 2 boys (oldest is 30 now) the eldest got bullied, some of it racially as they are mixed race. With the eldest they toed the line, report to teacher, never get physical etc etc etc and the bullying went on for years. When it came to their 2nd son just 2.5 years younger they changed their stance and said if anyone bullies them that doesn’t stop with reporting to parents/teachers then they should hit back as hard as they can. I’m sure you can guess what happened, the bullying stopped.

so I agree with others, if no one is doing anything and it’s still going on then absolutely tell your son to hit her back

Teach your son how to throw a hard punch twice. And if they try to blame him shut down any conversation with evidence of you previously brining it up with the school. There is only so much bullying someone can do before you start asking for a thump.

Going against the grain here I wouldn’t suggest he hit back. Not because I don’t think that the girl in question deserves a taste of her own medicine just because your lad would be in trouble as well and you could also be causing yourself and him issues down the line if he isn’t a child who currently hits out.
What should be happening is that your child should be able to go to school without being hit. A one off is kids being kids but if it’s happening repeatedly I would want to know what’s being put in place to stop it rather than just them reacting when he’s already hurt. If the problem persists I would escalate using the official complaints procedure.

My son had a bully (but to be fair, this kid was rotten to pretty much the whole class anyway) who's mum thought the sun shone out of his bottom. She could actually WATCH him throw housebricks at kids and she'd smile indulgently saying, "boys will be boys" or some shit. I told my DS never to hit back cos he'd get the blame. After YEARS of it never actually being dealt with I told DS to hit back and dont hold back. He did, as expected, get into trouble but I happily breezed into school, congratulated him and said to his teachers that I'm surprised they saw it as they didn't appear to see the thousand times that boy assaulted mine. The assaults that gave my DS actual scars. The assaults I was going into school about constantly, or worse, pointing out as they happened in the playground lining up for class.
I didn't let the teachers do much after that to him and the bully actually moved school. The "mother" had turned up at my door and I politely explained that her demon child was a fucking psycho who would be skinning neighbourhood cats by the time he was an older teen and she was a useless sack of shit parent who wouldn't know how to raise a child if she had a handbook and Supernanny locked in her basement for guidance.

Oh my. I remember thinking like this.
I don't know if it has ever worked for anyone at all, but I love your positivity.

Good for you. The ‘not hitting back’ mantra is for the benefit of teachers who don’t want to deal with scrapping children - I get that - but ultimately it gives the aggressor all the power and the poor victims are totally disempowered. That is a shit policy whichever way you look at it. If the teachers can’t protect your child they must be empowered to defend and stop the bully.

I wouldn't tell your DC to hit back. They can learn self defence techniques, but I don't agree with the "if they hit you, hit back harder" Teach them to use their words

"Stop, I don't like that, please go away"

If they continue to hit or bite, walk away

I get it, I have a 7 year old DC, so going through something similar, and I've never seen a fight on fight really get anywhere. Just more tears and resentment

I know you don't want to talk to the parent, I hate confrontation too, but they might be unaware of what is happening in school if you don't speak up. You need to protect your kids

@SistersNotCisters fabulous response- my son is 4 and I am dreading bullies but if he gets any I hope to unleash hell as you did. How fucking dare they!!!

@Noshowlomo that example seems rather extreme though. I get you might be worried. But a lot of schools aren't like that