What do I do about my sons bully?

[CrystalQueen87]

DS 6 is being bullied by a girl in his class.
It started a few months ago when she was just saying some mean things to him but most recently it's progressed to physical bullying.
In the last couple of months he's had her nails dig into his arm and broke the skin, been kicked in the leg, punched in the tummy, and pushed over which resulted in cut and grazed knees.
I'm absolutely horrified and so sad this is happening.

So far I have:
Spoke to his class teacher each time an incident has happened, she has said 'I will keep an eye' and the girl gets spoken to or goes to time out.

What is the best way to go about dealing with this with the school please?
Am I over reacting?
The mum of said girl is totally not approachable as she is not someone who you could have a chat with about the situation.

I'm keeping a record of every time something happens and the date what happened etc.

Is this kids being kids or bullying?
I don't want to be that mum who makes an issue if kids are just bickering and being kids, but I don't want this to keep happening to my boy 😪

I think at 6 children lack the capacity for this to be described as bullying. I think you need to try and drill down what’s happening. Is it happening in the classroom or during breaks? Does the child that is hurting your child have any special as l educational needs? If so then I would think the child needs more supervising. That’s the route I would be going down.

This 100%

As the school are not doing anything, firstly, if you can remember, make a log of each time you have spoken to the school, eg dates and who you spoke to. Then ask your son to hit back the next time it happens and present the log to the school.

If they continue to do nothing, take your son out of school and clarify you won’t be sending him back until there is a plan of action by the school.

I would write to the teacher copying the head. List everything that your DS has been put through. State that as nothing has been done to protect your child 'beyond keeping an eye on her', which has made no difference at all, you are instructing him to hit this girl as hard as he can every time she attacks him.

Faced with a knock down drag out in Year 2 I would imagine steps will be taken.

How large is the school? They really should be moving the girl to another class and getting her help with her behaviour. I would definitely ask that she not be put in any future classes with your DS and that she is to be kept separate from him on outings or camps that they may go on.

The way I see it is we are still animals. This is one child dominating another one, tell him to defend himself. Dd was being pushed around by a boy at gymnastics for a few weeks (she wasn’t the only target ) one day eh stood next to her and she just turned around and smacked him in the face. Didn’t happen again. Another boy was doing the same sort of thing, he was a bit older than her and he kept throwing a ball at her head, luckily he’s a shit shot so he mainly missed. DD thought it was a game (she’s 3) so she followed him around for a bit smacking him in the head with a ball. He chose to pick on another child after that.

Please don't tell your dc to hit the other child back.

I would talk to the head. Explain that you have raised concerns with the class teacher on several occasions, but the issue has not been resolved, and has in fact escalated. Ask to see the anti bullying policy and ask how they are planning to apply it in this situation. Politely and firmly state that they have a duty to safeguard your son which you expect them to fulfil, and ask what specific measures are they going to put in place to guarantee that there won't be any further incidents? Are they 100% confident that this will resolve the issue? If not, what further steps can they take to ensure that your ds will be kept safe? Follow up your conversation in writing, confirming your understanding of what has been agreed and asking them to correct anything if you have misunderstood.

If there is any further issue after that, then follow the school's formal complaints procedure. This will probably involve writing to the Chair of Governors.

And yes, if they can't reassure you that there is an appropriate plan in place to keep your son safe, make it clear that you will have no option but to take your child out of school and contact your local MP.

IME, as with other PPs it seems, my school bully only stopped once I smacked her in the face one day.

This behaviour would be unacceptable in an adult workplace, so why are we putting up with it in schools? Telling your son to hit back is just a way of defending himself until school takes action.

It would also be unacceptable to smack someone back and start scrapping in the workplace. If I was assaulted at work I’d call the police.

Really?! If someone in my work place hit me I’d hit them back no question

I understand the sentiment behind the 'hit back' comments and I agree in some limited circumstances it can work. However, having worked with children for over a decade, it should absolutely be used as last possible resort, with extreme caution. It's all very well and good that some people got their bullies to stop this way but children are often just too immature to understand it properly.

A child will barge past another or trip and fall in to them and suddenly it's 'they pushed me' and a fight starts. They will play tag and tag each other too hard and the story will be 'they hit me'. They don't understand how appropriate different levels of force are and generally will only tell (think of) one side of the story.

I would request a meeting with year group leader, AHT etc and keep escalating first. Keep logging and show them evidence. Teach your child how to be REALLY assertive and nip things in the bud.

Best of luck.

I suppose it must depend where you work 😂

Then you'd probably both be out of a job!

That's exactly what I would tell my child to do too.

If he got in trouble at school for defending himself, then I would tell him not to worry about it. Then I'd take him out for a treat for defending himself.

If he did it, bet she'd leave him alone after that.

You can use reasonable force to protect yourself if you are being assaulted. So if someone hits you at work and you immediately hit them back to stop them hitting you again, you are unlikely to get in to trouble. The same should apply for children in school.

Definitely not kids being kids. I would send an email to the Head with a record of what's happened and say you reported it the class teacher each time. Say you need your ds to be safe at school. Ask who would be the next level to contact if this continues. I think if he hit back he would get the blame or they'd use it as an excuse to say it was both of them to blame.

Yes absolutely, but the point i’m making is that in the workplace, if someone hit me, I would have other options that to hit them back, as I could seek support from HR or the police, or my manager. What seems to be happening here is that OP’d DS is not getting any support from the school, so what is his other option other than to be able to physically defend himself?

Also just to add, my 2 yr old DS is at nursery, and each time he is injured by another toddler, I have to fill in an incident form and the staff also make the other parents aware. So no excuse for the school not to be doing anything here.

@CountingMareep I was bullied too. And hitting back did nothing. It just escalated it. I don't agree with violence is my point. It was handled in a controlled environment using our words with the head and the bully in question. Didn't happen again. There are other ways to resolve problems. You don't start scrapping with works colleagues do you if you have a disagreement or bully in the workplace. How's this any different. You're teaching kids to hit others. Self defence is different. But no one should be hitting anyone point blank

I've had a very similar thing happen with my 7 year old DS. Well it was more name calling me and my son, which I won't get into. But I spoke to the mum. Messaged her over text and she was very apologetic, the "bully" came up to my son in the school playground and apologised, said he was very sorry. And it hasn't happened since, best pals again. You have to remember they're only little, I wouldn't be teaching to use your fists ar such a young age. Just seems wrong to me

There is the option I and others suggested of meeting with the teacher to discuss what they are going to put in place to prevent further attacks - in my experience this would be 1-1 at break times and moving the child away from op’s during class/carpet time. At the moment the school are only reacting to incidents after they have occurred and it clearly isn’t working. If they get nowhere with the teacher then is the time to complain officially.

I'm a Primary School teacher and the amount of support for hitting back is so depressing and honestly sums up what teachers deal with these days. Even worse is the " if the teacher or school punish you, we've got your back, we won't support them." This attitude is so pernicious and a real battle for teachers, that kids know parents won't support teachers. I have genuinely yet to meet a teacher who doesn't like children, and is merrily ignoring a child being hurt. Far more likely that teacher has 30 children, 5 of whom with additional unsupported needs and is trying to deliver an inspiring lesson on their own. TA's are in and out of classrooms, shared even in Key Stage One. Most incidents happen at crossover times, cloakroom etc. As a teacher you can't be in the classroom and cloakroom at the same time, no room for all to go together, or break and lunch times, where you have a high turnover of low paid staff. But even with all the difficulties, if a parent makes me aware of repeated incidents I would ensure the 2 pupils were never lined up/ in cloakroom together and would ensure support staff and dinner ladies knew who to watch. Rather than telling your children it doesn't matter if they get in trouble at school because you support them, please support the teachers striking, who are highlighting the woeful underfunding of schools, not enough TA's , no pastoral care for troubled children and families.
Practical advice OP , documenting every incident and schools response is absolutely the right approach, ask to speak to Senior leadership and see the safeguarding policy and get concrete answers to how they will protect your child : never allowed to be together, bully moves class, has a suspension etc

Yup. He’ll only have to do it once.

@Aposterhasnoname But what if the person hit back again even harder, then your DC hit again, then they punch back again. Do you get my point? It's not always as black and white as that, and I'm yet to see a fight stop just because the other one "hit harder" it just escalates it, ending up in a scrap and someone potentially getting seriously hurt

Completely understand everything you’ve said and keeping an eye on each kid must be incredibly difficult.

Unfortunately, OP has said this has been going on for months and she has spoken to the teacher after an incident. As nothing has been done so far, I would fully encourge my child to hit back in the same situation, until I could get some help from the school, which I wouldn’t imagine would be quick after the experience so far.