Page 4 | What do I do about my sons bully?

CrystalQueen87 · 2023-06-19T19:37:33+00:00

DS 6 is being bullied by a girl in his class. It started a few months ago when she was just saying some mean things to him but most recently it's progressed to physical bullying. In the last couple of months he's had her nails dig into his arm and broke the skin, been kicked in the leg, punched in the tummy, and pushed over which resulted in cut and grazed knees. I'm absolutely horrified and so sad this is happening. So far I have: Spoke to his class teacher each time an incident has happened, she has said 'I will keep an eye' and the girl gets spoken to or goes to time out. What is the best way to go about dealing with this with the school please? Am I over reacting? The mum of said girl is totally not approachable as she is not someone who you could have a chat with about the situation. I'm keeping a record of every time something happens and the date what happened etc. Is this kids being kids or bullying? I don't want to be that mum who makes an issue if kids are just bickering and being kids, but I don't want this to keep happening to my boy 😪

explainthistomeplease · 20/06/2023 18:45

Don't hit back. Sadly because the perp is a girl and the victim a boy he'll cop the blame.
My DS tried this strategy successfully in secondary school and it was very effective in putting a stop to the little sh&t's taunts. But in your circs OP I fear it wouldn't work.

Keep a log and write a steely, strongly worded letter to the head and copy in the governors, having referenced the schools' anti bullying g policy and the teacher's apparent ineffectiveness.

If an Ofsted inspection is due make it clear you'll be showing all correspondence to the inspector.

ToContiOrSequi · 20/06/2023 20:44

MariaVT65 · 20/06/2023 10:13

IME, as with other PPs it seems, my school bully only stopped once I smacked her in the face one day.

This behaviour would be unacceptable in an adult workplace, so why are we putting up with it in schools? Telling your son to hit back is just a way of defending himself until school takes action.

You're right, you wouldn't put up with it at work, but you can your bottom dollar that if you punched a co-worker back (even harder as some suggest) the police would be arresting you both for assault.

ToContiOrSequi · 20/06/2023 20:50

Ladybrrrd · 20/06/2023 11:03

I understand the sentiment behind the 'hit back' comments and I agree in some limited circumstances it can work. However, having worked with children for over a decade, it should absolutely be used as last possible resort, with extreme caution. It's all very well and good that some people got their bullies to stop this way but children are often just too immature to understand it properly.

A child will barge past another or trip and fall in to them and suddenly it's 'they pushed me' and a fight starts. They will play tag and tag each other too hard and the story will be 'they hit me'. They don't understand how appropriate different levels of force are and generally will only tell (think of) one side of the story.

I would request a meeting with year group leader, AHT etc and keep escalating first. Keep logging and show them evidence. Teach your child how to be REALLY assertive and nip things in the bud.

Best of luck.

Exactly.

Some on here are talking teens, adults and even despots/dictators. This is a 6 year old child. They don't have the cognitive ability to understand what is going on. It's just unacceptable to put that responsibility on them to solve it by hitting and then having to deal with the consequences of that in school. Parents should be dealing with it by putting it back on the school.

cansu · 20/06/2023 20:51

I don't think anyone would really want their child to attend a school where the adults said it was OK to hit back and retaliate. If everyone's child did this, it would be carnage. Children who get these kinds of messages from their parents tend to be kids who are constantly involved in fights and arguments. They often come from homes where their parents fight and shout at one another. Interestingly they are also often rude to adults and disruptive in their lessons. Go figure.

solice84 · 20/06/2023 20:52

I remember being bullied in nursery but what I don't remember is apparently my mother came to collect me one day and found me pinning said bully to the wall by his neck
Apparently he never bothered me again after that

bippityboppity87 · 20/06/2023 21:29

cansu · 20/06/2023 20:51

I don't think anyone would really want their child to attend a school where the adults said it was OK to hit back and retaliate. If everyone's child did this, it would be carnage. Children who get these kinds of messages from their parents tend to be kids who are constantly involved in fights and arguments. They often come from homes where their parents fight and shout at one another. Interestingly they are also often rude to adults and disruptive in their lessons. Go figure.

Thank you! Someone who is actually talking sense

bippityboppity87 · 20/06/2023 21:39

Chachachachachachacha · 20/06/2023 08:24

I don’t think hit back and hit harder is the solution unfortunately. In my experience of having kids and working in schools this will just lead to regular fights. I’m very skeptical of the tales of I/my child hit them back and that was the end of it. A child who is regularly lashing out (and I doubt it’s just the ops son on the receiving end) likely won’t just learn their lesson and stop.
What you need is for the school to be doing something proactive to prevent the hitting. It may be that the child needs 1-1 support at break times and that where they sit in class needs to be managed. Clearly time outs etc after the event aren’t working.

This in spades

Original poster

CrystalQueen87 · 20/06/2023 22:54

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply and give advice I will be sitting down and reading through everyone of them tomorrow 🙏🏼

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 21/06/2023 06:47

ToContiOrSequi · 20/06/2023 20:44

You're right, you wouldn't put up with it at work, but you can your bottom dollar that if you punched a co-worker back (even harder as some suggest) the police would be arresting you both for assault.

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My points are:

In an adult workplace, I wouldn’t NEED to hit the other person back because I’m adult and have the mental capacity to deal with the situation in other ways. I could seek support from my manager, HR or the police. This child isn’t getting help from anyone, so hitting back is a last resort, but it feels necessary at this point.
For something that has been going on for months, I’d think it would just be self defense at this point.

MariaVT65 · 21/06/2023 06:57

bippityboppity87 · 20/06/2023 21:29

Thank you! Someone who is actually talking sense

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This is not true at all. I would tell my son to hit back and my DH and I don’t shout at eachother. This issue here is that I would tell my son to hit back as my last resort, since in this particular situation, the school has been informer after each incident and done nothing. It’s not simply a case that I would tell my child to hit back after the first incident. I would continue to deal with the school, but in the meantime I wouldn’t tell my son to just take physical abuse.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 21/06/2023 07:10

Have you only spoken to tue class teacher op?
This needs to go straight to the head.

Soontobe60 · 21/06/2023 18:38

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Absolutely hateful disgusting comment.

Mummysaf · 21/06/2023 18:44

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Mummysaf · 21/06/2023 18:45

MariaVT65 · 21/06/2023 06:57

This is not true at all. I would tell my son to hit back and my DH and I don’t shout at eachother. This issue here is that I would tell my son to hit back as my last resort, since in this particular situation, the school has been informer after each incident and done nothing. It’s not simply a case that I would tell my child to hit back after the first incident. I would continue to deal with the school, but in the meantime I wouldn’t tell my son to just take physical abuse.

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THIS!
last resort! X

Soontobe60 · 21/06/2023 18:48

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Calling 6 year old child a cow is beyond belief.

ToContiOrSequi · 21/06/2023 18:56

@MariaVT65 Adults in school (and adults at home) should be modellling the behaviour they want to see in their child.

If you say 'hit back' you are telling your child that it's ok to hit to solve this problem. You are then undermining school rules out in place to protect ALL children if you then tell them that this rule doesn't matter.

These are 6 year olds. They don't have the cognitive ability to reason it out, or understand the nuances of it. I believe it's unfair to put children in this situation and take responsibility. That's why adults need to step in and deal with it. If OP feels that has not been done if talking to class teacher there is a policy in place to escalate it to the next level.

JustAnotherRandom · 21/06/2023 18:59

Speaking to the girl with words does not seem to be working. Maybe she needs some of her own medicine. Maybe say to school that what you are doing and advising isn't working, so how many times do they expect him to be hurt before he retaliates?

Thinkbiglittleone · 21/06/2023 21:07

ToContiOrSequi · 21/06/2023 18:56

@MariaVT65 Adults in school (and adults at home) should be modellling the behaviour they want to see in their child.

If you say 'hit back' you are telling your child that it's ok to hit to solve this problem. You are then undermining school rules out in place to protect ALL children if you then tell them that this rule doesn't matter.

These are 6 year olds. They don't have the cognitive ability to reason it out, or understand the nuances of it. I believe it's unfair to put children in this situation and take responsibility. That's why adults need to step in and deal with it. If OP feels that has not been done if talking to class teacher there is a policy in place to escalate it to the next level.

But you can do that. We model kind hands, kind words, respecting each others space and boundaries, our DS is fully aware of how to conduct himself he knows not to hit first and it took a lot of convincing to get him to protect himself.

If the adults that are in place to protect him, after him following the proper channels by the way, are not actually doing that, of course he protects himself. I will not teach him to be a punching bag for a few weeks while the school sort their shit out with red tape.

By teaching him to protect himself is a big part of knowing what is ok from other people. He will not be taught it's ok to be repeatedly abused while adults or those in authority allow it to happen.

He also knows it's only ever done as self defence.

In theory I agree with the rules. Someone hits you, tell the teacher, they ensure you do not get hit again and the bully is reprimanded. Sadly the reality is often very different and our DS won't hang around getting punched waiting for the system to catch up.

Mummysaf · 21/06/2023 21:47

Soontobe60 · 21/06/2023 18:48

Calling 6 year old child a cow is beyond belief.

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You need to get real
calling her a cow is nothing she is being absolutely vile.

ToContiOrSequi · 21/06/2023 22:01

Self defence.

Even self defence classes for young kids will not advocate hitting back. They will teach kids how to be confident and assertive without laying a finger on anyone else. They will teach them to walk away and get help and that that action is a strength, not a weakness.

If you teach a child to hit back (not push the bully away, so they could then get an adult, which would be self defence - there is a difference) then you are teaching them to be violent. Your child will therefore receive a consequence as per the school behaviour policy (which you agreed to when you joined the school).

There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Soontobe60 · 22/06/2023 06:43

Mummysaf · 21/06/2023 21:47

You need to get real
calling her a cow is nothing she is being absolutely vile.

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As are you…

Thinkbiglittleone · 22/06/2023 15:12

Even self defence classes for young kids will not advocate hitting back. They will teach kids how to be confident and assertive without laying a finger on anyone else. They will teach them to walk away and get help and that that action is a strength, not a weakness

Karate does teach you to put your hands on another, what type of self defence classes are you referring too ??

You can be as assertive as you like, if you are dealing with a bully, by it's very nature is someone repeatedly targeting you and getting away with it. Being assertive does not change that.

So when you have been assertive and when you have told the teacher, repeatedly what then, you are setting your child up for having very low self esteem in their future. You hear all the times of the lasting effects bullying has on people.
What child would see themselves as strong after being bullied for a year, because they are "reporting it" and "walking away", it's just not the reality of a playground.

Your narrative seems to be you only get bullied if you are not assertive enough, I can tell you know that's rubbish.

If you teach a child to hit back (not push the bully away, so they could then get an adult, which would be self defence - there is a difference) then you are teaching them to be violent

No, you are teaching them, no one has the right to put their hands on you after you have told them not too. You are teaching them to never ever throw the first punch but it is fine to protect yourself and hit someone back, they are no ones punch bag.

Your child will therefore receive a consequence as per the school behaviour policy (which you agreed to when you joined the school)

Yes and absolutely take the punishment. But don't worry as it will be explained to the head, if the school is failing in their duty to keep you safe from abuse and assault whilst in their care, you can indeed protect yourself. Again only in response to bullying not if you are first to throw a punch.

There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive

You sound ridiculous for the real world. I have seen kids being "assertive" and then just being punched again.

Yes, There is a difference in being aggressive an aggressor would be the instigator of something i.e the bully. Not the child just wanting to go about it's day without being bullied

tonystarksrighthand · 22/06/2023 15:32

SistersNotCisters · 19/06/2023 21:37

My son had a bully (but to be fair, this kid was rotten to pretty much the whole class anyway) who's mum thought the sun shone out of his bottom. She could actually WATCH him throw housebricks at kids and she'd smile indulgently saying, "boys will be boys" or some shit. I told my DS never to hit back cos he'd get the blame. After YEARS of it never actually being dealt with I told DS to hit back and dont hold back. He did, as expected, get into trouble but I happily breezed into school, congratulated him and said to his teachers that I'm surprised they saw it as they didn't appear to see the thousand times that boy assaulted mine. The assaults that gave my DS actual scars. The assaults I was going into school about constantly, or worse, pointing out as they happened in the playground lining up for class.
I didn't let the teachers do much after that to him and the bully actually moved school. The "mother" had turned up at my door and I politely explained that her demon child was a fucking psycho who would be skinning neighbourhood cats by the time he was an older teen and she was a useless sack of shit parent who wouldn't know how to raise a child if she had a handbook and Supernanny locked in her basement for guidance.

You are my hero! I love it