I am being bullied by other mums in the playground

[Ijustdunnoanymore]

Help, I need advice. My children havent been long at their new school. I recently volunteered for something and since then the mums from one class have been making my life really difficult. Nit picking at every tiny little thing I do. I have tried to remain calm but the nit picking has been constant over everything. Its like whack a mole. They glower at me, get their children to tell my children they don't like me. No one else volunteered for the task in question...I thought everyone would be relieved but they all seem to resent me. A few have emailed me their support but its all done quietly as they are too scared of these women. How do I get them off my case? I have apologised to the ring leader incase I might have done something and in the hope she might settle everyone down. BUT no, it just wont stop. Like a dripping tap.....so constant its wearing me down. I daren't go on the facebook group anymore and have actually had to block one mum because she just kept harrassing me. Any ideas on how to make it stop???

I'm shocked the school haven't sorted the hoodies themselves tbh, it's never been a parent council role in our school. Seems silly to put that pressure on a parent- we have an email from depute head to ask size needed and requesting payment and that's it. They get the sizes double checked before they're made and then they receive them around May for finishing up school in June. Easy peasy.
I don't think it's ok for anyone to be bullying you OP and would suggest you speak with the ringleader directly to ask if there is an issue and how she would like it resolved. That will push her to have to think about what she is doing at least.

I'll tell you what i think. You say you're new to the school. They do not like that you are organising the hoodies because you are new and people like this will make anything into an issue. That's how some mums operate.

It’ll probably something ridiculous like one of the clique had wanted to do the job and now feels you have stolen her thunder so they’ve gone “Mean Girls” on you. You say no one else had stepped up, but I’ll bet one of them was planning on sweeping in like a benevolent dictator to “save the day”.

Chin up and chest out, rise above their petty behaviour in public and scream into a pillow at home as and when needed.

i wonder what the issue is with the hoodies? What is the problem - design, spelling of name etc.? I have helped to organise the hoodies before and helped with all the leavers activities and all in all it is a thankless task. The amount of moaning over very little things - 2 mums almost came to blows over the leavers concert. Madness. I think unless all this stops I would pass the task over to another volunteer and be vocal about why you are not doing the hoodies anymore. Maybe this mum could take over the task for you ?!

Speak to the school and keep any abusive messages that they have sent you.
Never volunteer for anything in the future

this is of course not useful - but I do not get involved in situations where adults take on roles of "ring leaders". if that sort of thing is happening, and the participants are not aged 10, then it is not a place for me.

Second, specifically for school/children's events which call for my emotional and practical labour - I usually ask myself - what is the sex of the people running around like headless chickens? Are there substantial enough men involved for me to conclude this is a roughly equal ish set up, where both dads and mums render themselves headless? If I feel like this is an activity where, magically, men appear to be escaping such tasks, again, I do not involve myself.

this of course raises the question of - but who will do all the work then? Sure - but as a woman in her late 30s, i have realised, I will have neither ring leaders, nor do extra admin that my opposite sex seems to magically escape.

None of this may help you as - 1) you might be ok with ring leaders 2) you might genuinely wish to help the community even if the help is rather gendered and/or 3) you may be looking for friends there.

Absolutely then ignore ignore ignore don’t feed the bullies. Let school know why you’re not doing it anymore. Just sort for you and the nice people maybe?

Unfortunately OP it's very rare in this life that we get credit for our effort and taking something on no one else wants to. All people are concerned about is the finished product. These mums don't care that you put a lot of work in, only that they're unhappy with the hoodies. It sounds very petty, but for some people school stuff takes the place of a full time job and they get very preoccupied with this type of minutiae.
How to make it stop? Well, I think it will only stop if the issue is addressed. So I'd be asking the complaining mums to have a chat about what the options are. Who us responsible for the error? Is it too late to rectify if?

as a pp said, no good deed goes unpunished. Ride it out OP. Do you even need to be in the playground if your child is a rising 11? Can they come out and meet you down the road/meet you at the car/walk home on their own? I'd just stay out of the way until these stupid parents have found something else to moan about.

Entirely possible.

I think it's because you're new to the school. I bet they think you've swept in and organised the hoodies but you don't know all the history of who's friends with who etc. I would try not to let it bother you (easier said than done) and not volunteer for anything else going forward.

This is such a stupid thing to say, and total bollocks. No-one lets themselves be bullied. Talk about victim blaming 🙄.

I promise you at the bottom of this is some historic issue where A did the older siblings leavers hoodies, but got B's kid's name wrong and C made a big deal of it because her kid hates red. So then D said I'll do them when it's the younger siblings turn but she forgot so didn't volunteer in time. And the head should have known because D always is a bit late but steps up and A, B and C just can't believe the newbie didn't know this ....

Complete the task, smile and wave, smile and wave

Next time this happens to you, don't apologise. xx I used to do that too and the bullies lick their lips. They smell subordinate in the air.

Next time my love, say ''I feel like you're criticising me relentlessly, is that your intention?'' (or, whatever the issue is next time, really shine a light on it.) They will probably probably say ''oh no no no not my intention no'' in which case say ''good! So relieved'' with fake cheeriness.

If they launch in to you I'm just saying that you blah blah blah, muster up all of your insouciance and say ''I'd really love it if you disguise what you're thinking!''

You took on the responsibility and you've fulfilled the task and fulfilled it with an albatross around your neck.

Hope this is your youngest child leaving the school

If you want to fixed you have to go nuclear. But that comes with risks.

If your child is being bothered by other children acting as proxies for their kids you need to raise it with the school. They will be irritated, but if they are good they will contact the relevant parents and tell them to grow up, and not to encourage anti-social behaviour in their children. A stern taking too from certain heads would put some parents back in their box.

"I daren't go on the facebook group anymore and have actually had to block one mum because she just kept harrassing me. Any ideas on how to make it stop???"

This can be resolved via the courts (depends on how much you wanted it fixed), you can apply under the Prevention of Harassment Act 1997 for an anti-harassment order against the parents were there is evidence of activity on two or more occasions. Social media, in person and involving children could meet the threshold. You need to speak to a solicitor about this.

Obviously the fall out could be: they back off really fast; or you could be looking at them blowing up and police involvement for any violations of the court order.

None are really pleasant options but it depends how much you can tolerate.

ps, the pointof the shine the light technique is that the seemingly small exchange alerts them to the fact that you're not quite as scared of conflict as they thought you were.

Tell them to do one , say you are sorry you offered to help in the first place and pass the responsibility on to head bitch. A successful school life for your children doesn’t depend on you being part of the PTA or the clique. This isn’t a dig as I know you did it to help.

I saw the hoodie thing first hand last year - one of the mums was sorting it and all was fine but just as it was getting to the point they were about to get ordered or whatever one of the mums started nitpicking at little things.

First it was the colour - "can they not have different colours?", then "my child would prefer this colour, she won't wear X colour", then the same mum started on the naming convention. A few other mums got involved in this, like forename only, forename initial, nickname etc. It seemed very tiring for the poor mum that was organising it.

This was just low level stuff and really only one woman picking fault (ironically she is a TA in another class as well) which maybe made her think she could boss other mums about a bit, I don't know.

Anyway I could see how it might escalate into somethin even worse.

In short, sorry that people are mean.

@Ijustdunnoanymore the old advice to just ignore bullies and they go away is WRONG.

You have to start standing up for yourself. Call out the bad behaviour and nit picking. Tell the Head what is going on with this small group of cows.

Go back into the groups and post "Looking for advice, mums. Child A came to me today and said "my mummy hates you". I am obviously trying to ignore such rude behaviour but as I am fairly new to playground politics I wondered how many times I should let this happen before I raise it with Head?" pretending you don't know the mum is in the group.

Either they will be too afraid to respond or Rude Mum will launch at you calling you names and a liar and then you can take screenshots to the Head.

These woman get away with it because no one ever stands up and tells them to back off. If you stop caring what they think and feel, you take away some of their power.

Create your own wee group too and start telling the other bullying group 'no'.

Someone kicks off because little Imogen-Olive's name is printed Imogenolive then you tell her mum that you will raise this with the printer, thank you for letting you know the printers made an error but you do NOT apologise or take liability. If she still won't shut up then you tell her since she is so unhappy with your handling of the matter, you are passing the issue on to her to deal with and you refuse to help again.

Is this a PTA thing? Are the bullies part of the PTA?
Our PTA organise leavers hoodies but I've never encountered stuff like this. I'm the Chair & of any parent kicked off I'd be involving the head.

Are from the same cultural background or the same religion? We have very similar problem at my sons nursery. Despite all kids being very friendly and nice with each other some of the mothers WON'T TALK OR SAY EVEN HI. Sometimes I'm feeling like it's medieval times. I'm pretty sure if we would need to do something together the outcome would be similar to yours. That's insane...

I really hope you got them to pay up front.

Fartsock has it just right for both the hoody and the nasty messages - you can't keep quiet and expect the bullying to stop.

This would be my approach too.

In fact, if there were any further issues I would just drop the job of leavers' hoodies and tell these stupid bitches to sort it themselves.

This is the sort of reason I had no interest in the PTA at any of the schools my DDs went to. I don't think I could have hacked the politics or the bitching so would rather have left them to tear themselves apart.

I Completely agree with this!

Their behaviours is crazy and inexcusable.

However…
….how much were the hoodies? Too expensive and the established parents had an agreement that no one would do them? ….You are new joiner…but doing the leavers hoodies for kids who had been there for 7 years?

Avoid these Mums and find your own friends. But…aren’t you all leaving anyway so problem solved?