SEN boy making inappropriate comments to my DD

[Sushisurprise]

My DD (year 5) has been having trouble with a SEN boy in her class for a couple of years. Nearly every day she comes home with stories about how he hurt someone or said something inappropriate - usually about sex. During year 4 he took a liking to her and would follow her around at lunchtimes and try to play with her which DD found annoying. His mother then complained to the school that DD and some other children wouldn't play with him so DD and the other children were told off. His mother has on several occasions made allegations that he is being bullied at school. Recently the comments being made by the boy have become a bit more personal towards my DD - they are of a sexual context with my DD as the subject of the comments. The comments are quite adult in nature so I can only suspect the boy is being exposed to this language at home. I told the teacher and he was quite shocked and said he was unaware that this language was being used. The boy had to miss his lunch break. Then one of the TAs at the school apparently was told by someone else that my DD had repeated something inappropriate that the boy had said and laughed and the TA reported this to the teacher. The teacher then called my nanny in for a meeting (as my nanny had happened to be picking my DC up that day) and said that they were also having issues with what my DD was saying! I have been fuming ever since. It is my DD who has been subjected to foul language and they are not considering what affect it has had on her or trying to protect her. Shouldn't the school take this a bit more seriously? I can't help thinking that they are basically trying to avoid the issue with the SEN boy and trying to now blame his behaviour partly on someone else. And that they are scared of his mother (she is quite scary!) This all came to a head at the end of term so I wasn't able to speak to the teacher myself again. Any advice gratefully received. I really don't know what to do for the best. I have this horrible feeling that if I make a fuss it is just going to make things worse for DD...

Fanjo we are all adults are you really suggesting the only way you can show concern is by attacking someone asking for help?

For what's its worth I was upset by the OPs language, but it was already pointed out and I didn't feel the need to pile on.

Yes working with people is important but you choose your friends, a school will want all children to be happy, inclusion works all ways. My point is that the ops daughter has "rights and responsibilities" and that the other child in this case also has " rights and responsibiltes" and that many posts point to how he should be supported

I didnt mention her language

So if a child has Sen and doesn't understand the language of play and has social and communication difficulties it is ok to ostracise them tron? What if nobody actively wants to play with that child, is it ok for that child to be isolated?

We have come to a very sad place when it's ok to tell our kids that it is ok to exclude anyone that is different .

I agree it shouldn't fall to one child to sustain these friendships, but both parties have much to learn from playing together. This partisan idea that we have no social responsibility for anyone but ourselves has lead to a pretty soulless society and makes me really quite sad.

Much better for schools to model inclusion early on and encourage kindness and equality but facilitating play in primary.

By not but.

Schools should not be forcing dc to be friends with other dc they don't like.
However, the same school would be failing dc with SN if they allowed other dc to exclude them because of their differences.

Parents of nt children often don't understand this because they don't have to, and inclusion and crap attitudes often come from parents making comments about certain dc being weird or naughty (I've heard this first hand). Parents will also often support exclusion when it comes to their dc's parties. You see it very often here on mn.

Being inclusive and understanding will not ruin education for nt children (as has been suggested to me several times), but could make children nicer people and more understanding of others in the future, which can only be a good thing IMO.

FWIW, any one of us could have a child with ASD. It's not a choice, it's just how it happens. How would you like your dc to be treated, regardless of SN?
Next time a dc is knowingly excluded, think about how you and your dc would feel if this was happening to you.

Btw one of the kids I played with most at primary had an asd. It has done me no harm whatsoever.

And no, I didn't actively choose the friendship. Her dm was my godmother and I was encouraged to help her integrate at school. It was a good lesson for me.

The ops daughter should not be being bullied but the op needs to go into school and find out what is going on.

Of course she should not have to be friends with anyone she doesn't like.
And the school has a responsibility to both her and the boy to ensure both their needs are being met.
This is not, as many would like it, him versus her.
If he is consistently causing her anxiety or distress that's damaging for both of them and the school need to step up quickly.

Whatever the intension of a schools inclusion it can often have unintended consequences with a child who has SN being further isolated if challenging behaviours appear to be left unchecked/unpunished and effectively ignored.

But let us not be naive. The vast majority of scenarios involving children with SN and their peers without issues will be that the child with SN is being bullied and excluded. by secondary school it is almost inevitably so.

Whatever the boy is saying cannot be too horrendous and upsetting if the DD repeated it and laughed. Equally if my child was coming home daily with tales about what that boy had done today I would be having a word with her about how we should deal with that appropriately rather than through gossip and drama.

I rarely read anything on here where the situation is black and white. Children enjoy the drama of outrageous behaviour and excitement at school. A child at my school would be regularly and relentlessly wound up, told rude word to ask the teacher about, dared to drink ink, etc etc until she exploded in class and then everyone would gossip about what Sally had done this time.

The school need to be told about all the incidents so that both of these children get a reasonable chance at friendships, education and not to be bullied before the boys increasing role as 'the sen kid' gets firmly entrenched.

Thexxed I would never attack poster genuinely asking for help.

Fanjo don't bite.. we know how this thread will end.

We do. Am not biting. Got RL stuff going on today

I agree that inclusion should be actively encouraged and that this school appears to be quite pro-active

However, in this instance, the girl has been subjected to comments of a sexual nature. Quite naturally, these upset her and that should be addressed. the fact that this has escalated so that now they "are of a sexual context with my DD as the subject" is quite disturbing, as the boy has moved on from generalised comments to personalising them towards DD.

It is never appropriate for a girl or a woman to have sexual comments made to her by anybody. She may very well feel threatened and/or intimidated by these comments. The school have a responsibility towards her safety and to her well-being and this has to be made clear to them.

inreally hope that your DD wasn't actially being bullied, OP amd that you might look upon the difficulties experienced by the boy with SEN (and his scary mummy) a little bit differently.
Nobody would want to pressurise anyone into taking a play date with a child who has SEN. But what's wrong with actually taking the time to get to know them and swing for ykurselves whether the reputation gained is valid - or gossip-spun rubbish.

Please excuse typos. Was on my little phone and children under foot ;)

There're is a difference with the language is used "not playing with" is not the same as "excluding" or "isolating" , I belive that both should be treated equally. A child with additional needs clearly had additional challenges but that does not mean that other children are denied their say or that their feelings are less important.

They are all just children. Not two distinct types of children

Very true, fanjo.
And it is never appropriate for one child to direct remarks to another that sexualise that child. It is threatening and the school should take immediate action to safeguard DD as well as working with the boy. In other words, the interests of both children have to be addressed as equally important.

The escalation from using sexual words to personalising his sexual remarks to involve DD is what raises a huge red flag. The school need to work to ensure it does not escalate any further.

So has he got SEN or is he a junior sex abuser? Seems lots going on here

Not sure what OP is getting from this given her lack of input to thread.

Not wasting time with it any more. Off to be festive.

They are not exclusive, fanjo.

My DN was sexually abused by her (then) foster brother who had ASD. She was 5.

It's quite possible that he's both or neither. His behaviour towards OP's DD has to be addressed and she has to be protected.

He has to be supported to understand why his behaviour is unacceptable.

I'm sick of this. Someone sexually abusing someone else is wrong. People with ASD aren't more or less likely to do it, so their ASD isn't even bloody relevant. Pack it the fuck in.