SEN boy making inappropriate comments to my DD

[Sushisurprise]

My DD (year 5) has been having trouble with a SEN boy in her class for a couple of years. Nearly every day she comes home with stories about how he hurt someone or said something inappropriate - usually about sex. During year 4 he took a liking to her and would follow her around at lunchtimes and try to play with her which DD found annoying. His mother then complained to the school that DD and some other children wouldn't play with him so DD and the other children were told off. His mother has on several occasions made allegations that he is being bullied at school. Recently the comments being made by the boy have become a bit more personal towards my DD - they are of a sexual context with my DD as the subject of the comments. The comments are quite adult in nature so I can only suspect the boy is being exposed to this language at home. I told the teacher and he was quite shocked and said he was unaware that this language was being used. The boy had to miss his lunch break. Then one of the TAs at the school apparently was told by someone else that my DD had repeated something inappropriate that the boy had said and laughed and the TA reported this to the teacher. The teacher then called my nanny in for a meeting (as my nanny had happened to be picking my DC up that day) and said that they were also having issues with what my DD was saying! I have been fuming ever since. It is my DD who has been subjected to foul language and they are not considering what affect it has had on her or trying to protect her. Shouldn't the school take this a bit more seriously? I can't help thinking that they are basically trying to avoid the issue with the SEN boy and trying to now blame his behaviour partly on someone else. And that they are scared of his mother (she is quite scary!) This all came to a head at the end of term so I wasn't able to speak to the teacher myself again. Any advice gratefully received. I really don't know what to do for the best. I have this horrible feeling that if I make a fuss it is just going to make things worse for DD...

[OneInEight]

Why should your daughter not be sanctioned for using offensive language?

You are after all expecting the other child to be for what is actually the same crime.

All children copy language from somewhere and as you acknowledge in your OP for your daughter the playground and school is a major source too. The same will be true for the other child.

The difference is that a child with SEN, like my two ds's, may not be able to discriminate between which words can be said in different places and whom it is appropriate to say them too. No doubt the child's parents and school are working with him on this but it can be an extremely difficult lesson for some children to learn.

Anony I am truly shocked by your stories. We were lucky I guess that we only got the silent treatment by the other parents and that the school were definitely onside.

[cedricsneer]

Anony, what moving posts. I am often staggered by people's lack of empathy and inability to imagine how it may feel if the roles were reversed.

I am willing to put my head above the parapet and say that I sincerely doubt the op's child has been bullied by this boy. And by year 5 she should know better than to repeat inappropriate language, so I think it was appropriate that she was disciplined about this - I would hope I would be called in and my year 4 ds spoken to/disciplined if he was not being inclusive and was tittering about some inappropriate language that a child with Sen had used.

My ds primary is very inclusive and one of his best friends has as. They muddle along, despite his friend sometimes missing social cues/ being inappropriate. Although my ds really likes this boy, there have been times when he has found him "annoying". A great opportunity to teach him empathy and tolerance, and he is turning into a boy I am really proud of.

Anony, your child cant fail with a mum like you.

[Tron123]

The op's daughter feels bullied that is fact just as other children feel bullied, there is a difference between bullying and not making a friend of someone.
Children are accepting of other different to them that is a good thing but that tolerance does not mean to say that should accept all sorts of behaviour to them.

[youarekiddingme]

I employe people to being this thread back to the original problem. OP has accepted her use of language was bad and admitted why she used it. We fight to educate people in the use of language so we need to be fair when people are educated.

I also agree the DD is as much in fault for repeating. But the OP says her complaints have not been upheld but her DD has been punished for complaints against her - that is not fair. It wouldn't be fair with 2 NT children, 2 children with SEN and where there's 1 of each.

It's hard when your the parent of the child with SN but whilst we roll up our sleeves and fight for them we have to remain fair to all parties involved - after all - they are all children.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

The xxed at least get my name right if telling me off.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Very at OP disappearing for days after starting a contentious thread then reappearing when called on it.

If that makes me a bully then we'll I did it from concern for people upset by the thread.

Hope people can get something from it by sharing their stories anyway.

[cedricsneer]

I am not saying that she should accept any behaviour. Or even that she should particularly befriend this boy. But there does need to be a scale applied when people are discussing sanctions and discipline.

And if a child does not cognitively understand the terms that they are using to be offensive then they should not be sanctioned in the same way as someone who does. There is a clear case of relative vulnerability here, and thus relative culpability.

It sounds like the boy is not being supported enough at school, but regardless, it will not damage anyone irreversibly if they help their dc to understand disability and inclusion.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I predict it will turn into a bunfight with upset people now it's revived again though.

Due to posts like "tolerance doesn't mean we should accept all sorts of behaviour from them".

[Tron123]

The role of education is to teach tolerance and an appreciation of others lives and that is good thing and schools do this. However, rights are both ways, I pointed out earlier that the daughter in the op has rights, because I believe as in other threads that rather than posts acknowledging this there're is an immediate call for the rights of a child with additional needs. In this case it seems as if the daughters rights were not considered. Some posts call for action against the daughter but support for the other child - fair? Had the op not mentioned the additional needs then the posts would not have mentioned support, not all beviousr needs support the other child may need to be told how to behave and treated in the same way as other children. May point being children with additional needs should not always be the exception

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Bingo

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

"Carnage" ? my DD goes to a school full of kids with ASD and SLD and it's a happy peaceful place.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Agreed frusso

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Not sure you know what ASD is to talk of carnage ..are you sure you aren't talking about a prison for violent offenders? Or a film?

[Tron123]

My post said " tolerance doesn't mean we should accept all sorts of behaviour to TO them" ie to another child, which I stand by.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Same thing really

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Yes frusso. Not that the children are some kind of wild animals.

[honeysucklejasmine]

FWIW, i find the idea of children being told off for not playing with each other very odd. You can't force friendships. If one is being purposefully horrid to the other then fair enough, but just not waiting to play together....

Heck, i avoid people i don't like, I'd hate to be forced to socialise with them. I dare say there are people who avoid me too. Why on earth do schools punish you for not liking someone?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It's called inclusion honeysuckle.

[honeysucklejasmine]

I don't think the poster meant to imply that children with ASD created carnage, but that the school poorly managed relationships between its students resulting in rife bullying and aggression. (I assumed she meant the children with asd were bullied.)

[honeysucklejasmine]

Fanjo just to be clear....

Kids should never be mean to each other. There is no reason or excuse.

Kids (humans!) should never be made to be friends with someone.

Humans do not like every single person they ever come across.

Not liking someone and being mean to them are different things.

I refuse to believe that any grown adult would spend their social time with someone they don't like on a repeated basis, and i don't think its fair to force kids to hold different standards.

I am not saying that its ok to be mean to people you don't like.

Frankly there are plenty of people i haven't liked over the years and i am grateful i was never forced to spend time with them, whether they had a sen or not.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Oh sure, they can work together in class etc about blooming well get on with it, but shouldn't we get to decide who we spend our social time with?