No wish to breastfeed - partner putting me under pressure to give breastmilk

[AuntyFlo]

Hi everyone. I'm a first time Mum and am 38 weeks pregnant. Apart from the hormones and normal first time Mum jitters I've hit a stumbling block with my partner who wants me to express.
I have no wish or desire to and will be happy to give formula milk.
He made me feel like a terrible person when he knew I didn't want to express and was questioning my decision.
I got very emotional, felt like he was trying to over shadow me and ended up having to justify my reasons amongst the tears.
I reminded him that it's my body that's going through pregnancy and the after bits and that the pressure I felt to 'be the best' and 'give the best' whether it be washing powder, travel system etc was getting too much as it was.
I said that I needed to feel supported in my decision not made to feel like an awful person because of my choices of how to feed.
I've noticed in books it's shoved down your necks that breastfeeeding can be successful if you have a supportive partner, family etc but surely that goes for any method of feeding????????? My family and friend by the way have been great
Please give me your feedback - any would be really helpful when feeling like this

I would like to add some anecdotal evidence of my own. I was incredibly stressed after the birth of my DTs. I had left my DD at home for the previous 5 weeks whilst in hospital; I had an emergency section; my eldest DS died shortly after birth and my Nana a few days later.

Due to the trauma my milk took a while to come in but I hand expressed and pumped from day one whilst sobbing looking at pictures of my dead baby and my live one. A MW gave me aromatherapy and "milked" me. We were both expressing at the same time, she one breast me the other, she helped me through the night to encourage my supply as she knew I so wanted to give my DS the best start in life. It was miniscule, I was collecting in a syringe the tiniest amounts for the first few days but she was so positive and encouraging and said every little helps and practically ran out of my room with my tiny syringes to deliver my milk to DS in SCBU.

If my DS (DT2) has been affected by the stress of this I very much doubt and it is one thing I pride myself on that he had only one formula feed and that was as I could not express enough on the day of my Nanas funeral so on the day after whilst I was at his brothers funeral he had a half and half EBM and FF.

I feel in my case which is obviously unique to me and can NOT be generalised from that BF is the thing that although it gave me some stress as it was such a difficult start it also helped ward off the depression that was and still is (potentially) a cloud over my head.

I am so grateful I had such understanding MWs when I needed it as I know other patients in the same hospital at the same time had been encouraged to FF to help get them home quicker.

I agree BF is not for everyone and OP I suggest you talk to your DH and MW and come to a solution that is right for you.
I do disagree though that everyone knows the pros/cons of BF and FF and makes informed decisions. Many parents do not know and make ill informed decisions based on inaccurate information.

AF I wish you every success and my BF support worker told me as long as you love your baby and it gets fed that is all that matters. It took the pressure right off me and actually encouraged me to BF even more as I had relaxed about it. Good luck with whatever you do and hopefully your DH will support you and you will respect his input as a parent and you will be a great team for your little one.

tiktok Wed 09-Sep-09 23:45:06 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"When a baby ends up needing hospital treatment for dehydration, this is always the result something going wrong - either the baby's poor feeding has not been recognised by midwifery/medical staff (why not? It's their job!), or it has been recognised and the mother has chosen to ignore it (or is in denial about it). This is not the 'fault' of bf."

Very true. In my case, it was the second of those.

To some extent I think it could be said to be connected with the way bf'ing had been promoted to me; I had got the idea that as long as the baby was latched on properly and fed on demand, nothing could go wrong. Which would no doubt be true in the majority of cases, but not in mine.

Morning all, does anyone have matchsticks for my eyes. I stopped up too late tidying Mumsnetting. Now discovering the joys of having got DS down early last night.

Don't have to leave for school run until 8:30.

Hope all goes well G&T.

DOH sorry wrong thread.

As you were.

a happy mummy = a happy baby. as long as the baby is feed it doesn't really matter by which means you choice. i tried with both to bf but we didn't get on so ff for most of the time. i now have 2 lovely ds.

'A happy mum = happy baby" is one of the most odious expressions bandied about in parenting.

Do what you like, but be kind to your partner.
My brother was in his position and found it very upsetting when his wife wouldn't breast feed. He has 6 sisters who have all breast fed successfully and a father who was a herdsman who would never have dreamed of separating a calf from it's Mother before it had at least had it's colostrum.
You sound very clear and made up in your decision as my sister in law was, the only problem is reassuring your partner.
Logically he has the upper hand in the argument and he may feel emotionally about it too. He's never going to win this argument though if you're never going to give BF a go so you need to try and understand his logic and emotions and help him understand your point of view.
I hope you don't fall out at this stage in your pregnancy. Good luck with everything.

I agree with you Doris. It's patently absurd and sets my teeth on edge.
I am far from perfect as a mother but I don't try and justisfy my actions with cringesome platitudes.

Ben5 - Suggesting that it "doesn't matter" is incredibly dismissive of the struggle many women face in wanting to do their best for their child.

charleymouse - what a story....fantastic you had that help and instensive support when you needed it. I can understand the feeling expressed by your support worker that as long as the baby is loved and fed, that's all that matters. Of course these are the most important things and no baby can survive emotionally or physically without them!

This doesn't mean, I think, that the way the baby is fed does not matter, and I don't think that will be what she, or you, intended.

ben5 - it's just not helpful to say 'it doesn't matter', as if the struggles mothers undergo in order to breastfeed are somehow pointless. The phrase 'happy mother = happy baby' is uncomfortably simplistic and as a slogan, it just doesn't ring true. Mothers can be quite unhappy getting bf established - but they choose to battle on, and their babies certainly benefit. 'Happy mother = happy baby' suggests they shouldn't bother, because their babies will be unhappy.

Just to reiterate: stress and anxiety may affect babies if the stress and anxiety are so serious they continue for a long time at a deep level and prevent the mother responding to and relating to her baby long term. In most cases, things are thankfully not as bad as this.

I too hate the phrase "happy mum = happy baby"

I was a bloody miserable mum. For months and months! I couldn't help it, I was badly depressed.

But my babies were happy. And that's partly cos I bf them regardless of my depression.

Aside from disfigurement/ trauma of some kind I have no understanding as to why anyone would choose not to breastfeed. I am curious how anyone reaches this decision? I get that people try it and can't get on with it, usually through poor advice and lack of support. But to dismiss something as natural as bfing is beyond me.

OP when you have your baby he/she will try to latch themselves on, look for your breast, even shuffle their tiny bodies around for it... at that point it goes against instinct to give the baby something else.

Tiktok sorry breast feeding WAS the single cause,I don't know how often I have to keep saying it,it was. I was there you weren't. After initial concerns for a couple of days regarding making sure I was sterilising correctly the stress and anxiety lifted. It was total bliss as I said before, in fact I was so relaxed I conceived dd 4 months later no mean feat after 7 years of IVF.

Please don't keep telling me that I had other problems I didn't.

I know you don't regard personal experience as 'grown up' but the fact is this a forum for mums written by mums not a lecture hall. If you erased every single post with personal experience there would be no thread. Just because my personal experience is not want you want to hear it doesn't make it irrelevant and I have a right to post it as much as the next person.

MilaMae - personal experience is great. It is no good as a basis for telling other people what is certainly going to happen to them, or what definitely happened to them, or as a source of general rules. That's what I am saying. Some people - not you, I think - generalise out of their own experience and use their own experience to trump any other point in the debate. I have never said I didn't want to hear personal experience or that people shouldn't post it. For goodness sake...

I think it is highly unlikely that any mother's postnatal mental distress has any one single cause - but having said that, you may be the exception that challenges virtually all the literature and research and experience on this, that shows pretty clearly that you cannot link cause and effect so precisely. People bring their own unique histories to any new situation, and this affects their reactions and their vulnerabilities. I can't see what on earth is controversial about that

"This doesn't mean, I think, that the way the baby is fed does not matter, and I don't think that will be what she, or you, intended."

Absolutely Tiktok. She was just trying to take the pressure off about being able to do everything perfectly from day one when you and baby are both new to something. She did this and it encouraged me to BF.

Hi,
I think you just need to tell your partner (in a nice way of course) that whilst baby may be both of yours, your body is just yours. I feel so lucky that when I chose to feed all of my babies, I only ever once felt pressured into doing something I did not want to do, and that was by a mw. All my friends and family and partner didnt try to influence my decisions at all. I did what was right for me and the child at the time, sometimes it was bf, sometimes it was ff. Whatever suited at the time of having that child. I just dont know why anyone feels the need to judge anyone for how they choose to feed their child. If you want to formula feed, do it, if you want to give bf a go, do that too, but do what is right for you, not other people. Not even your partner. My ff babies have all been fine, never any sickness or tummy bugs, no poisoning, very bright happy kids. But have to say my bf baby was hospitalised several times (inc with meningitis at 4 months old) and now has behavioural problems, food intolerances, exzema, and is rather scrawny! Not saying bf isnt 'best' just that I think sometimes its more luck of the draw than what you feed your kids with!

Just another note that (for me) breastfeeding DD was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. For me it was painless, very straightforward,free, available any time, I could express to allow DP to take over the odd night etc etc.

But that was just my experience - every woman's own experience will be different and I certainly don't judge women who choose to ff. I do feel that women who don't even try to bf are potentially missing out on something pretty wonderful though

I don't really understand people who don't even try breastfeeding. Unless they have medical/trauma reasons etc. Their choice though. The 'reason' I usually hear from friends/family is 'it doesn't make any difference my mum did it we are fine,' 'i don't want saggy tits' or 'it's pervy'. In other words they have been conditioned by society to see their breasts as for men/sexual rather than their actual purpose to feed a baby or ff is the norm in their family/circle. The pressure on women to look great/young/childless is huge.

I think your partner has every right to express his desire for your baby to have bf milk. Of course it is your final decision though but I would find it more creepy if your DH was pressuring you against bf as hear that sometimes either they want the breasts for themselves or want to 'share in the feeding' (like they can't share in everything else, and their needs are more important than the baby!).

Just give it a go see how you feel, what have you got to loose. At leas you have tried and you might get on really well, you might not. In years to come you dont want to say that you wished that you bf and you regret not trying, you cant turn back the clock.

I know that it is your decision at the end of the day, but IMO when you decide to have a baby you have to put them first before yourself and how you feel. They do not have a choice in how they are fed. I did bf for just 3 weeks before turning to formula because my milk dwindled into nothing and dd was loosing weight. I wish that i had MN then i would have succeeded in bf. My SIL has exclusively expressed for 6 months of her babies life, and her dd is 8 months still continues to do so several times a day as she is a bit funny about bf. Does not matter how you do it as long as your baby has breastmilk that is the main thing.

Omg I'm so glad you wrote this, I'm literally going through the same thing with my partner, what's makes it worse is he has 2 other children and his ex beast fed to which I told me and then said well she expressed.
I feel so pressured. I also have no desire to breastfeed. I've agreed to give it a go but don't really want to 😢

Twelve-year-old zombie!

OP I hope your DH accepts your decision and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I never wanted to bf and ff from day one. Thankfully DH totally supported me as did the extended family.
Just enjoy your baby. How you feed your baby is only one of hundreds of decisions you have to make and you will laugh in the future as to the things which worried you when they were tiny.

@AnnieLobeseder

What a load of tosh. It is this poster’s choice to breastfeed. It is her body. There are choices when it comes to feeding and labour and they are choices the mother makes. Yes, fundamentally breastfeeding is better for the baby but you cannot ignore the mother’s feelings and having an unhappy, miserable mother’s is arguably worse for the baby than the fairly marginal benefits.

I felt forced I to trying breastfeeding and it ruined me. I hated it. I cried every day and got very depressed. I eventually gave up but many women carry on and it seriously impacts their mental well being. I will not be trying this time. My body. My choice.

I’m glad other women do enjoy breastfeeding and wish them well. And most women don’t judge others for their choices. New mother’s do not need judgement and to made feel inferior they need support. Why do you care what other women do?

@jellybeans no one needs to give you a reason for not breastfeeding because it’s none of your business how they feed their baby!

@weegiemum

I’m glad you think that breastfeeding was worth being miserable. That’s your choice. It wasn’t for me and I have. History of depression and mental illness so decided others. But don’t you dare think that babies shoe aren’t breastfed are miserable. That’s just judgemental rubbish. There are lots of ways to bond with babies and make them secure and happy.

Um, @TaraRhu, the baby I was breastfeeding when I posted that turns 13 tomorrow. We've all moved on a bit from 2009, hun!